Miss-understood Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 I decided to not be NC rather than OW. He has 3 kids "the perfect" life on the outside - I have my life to consider. We were friends for several years, and it turned into a PA for the last 5 months. This has been very hard on me. Today especially. This forum has helped a great deal. During the past 5 days, I have had zero energy. Others on here in NC have experienced a slow motion effect - I can totally relate. He left a note here today at my door. Sent me a text informing me of the matter, I was already home - thank god I didn't run into him. The text he sent was telling me of the letter, letting me know he prefered a face to face, and then he had the audacity to sign the text "yours" He should have signed it"hers" The kicker - the letter listed in a very henry met sally was all the things he loved about me. In addition to all the deep things he loves about me. What hurt the most is the title of the letter asking if it was goodbye from the beginning - this is so so so hurtful.while i understand he has to get his feelings out.i understand he will not leave his family.i am just beside myself. my gut tells me to dispose of this letter, read my reasons for NC. my head/heart tells me to email him with how he has hurt me, led me on, encouraged me to open up, knowing it was hard for me to do so, all along knowing he will never leave. help Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 I decided to not be NC rather than OW. He has 3 kids "the perfect" life on the outside - I have my life to consider. We were friends for several years, and it turned into a PA for the last 5 months. This has been very hard on me. Today especially. This forum has helped a great deal. During the past 5 days, I have had zero energy. Others on here in NC have experienced a slow motion effect - I can totally relate. He left a note here today at my door. Sent me a text informing me of the matter, I was already home - thank god I didn't run into him. The text he sent was telling me of the letter, letting me know he prefered a face to face, and then he had the audacity to sign the text "yours" He should have signed it"hers" The kicker - the letter listed in a very henry met sally was all the things he loved about me. In addition to all the deep things he loves about me. What hurt the most is the title of the letter asking if it was goodbye from the beginning - this is so so so hurtful.while i understand he has to get his feelings out.i understand he will not leave his family.i am just beside myself. my gut tells me to dispose of this letter, read my reasons for NC. my head/heart tells me to email him with how he has hurt me, led me on, encouraged me to open up, knowing it was hard for me to do so, all along knowing he will never leave. help Destroy the letter and read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/ Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 Stay NC. He is going through withdraw as you are as well. Usually one tries to suck the other back in, but end result is still the same. This is the sentence that got to me "What hurt the most is the title of the letter asking if it was goodbye from the beginning." I believe this to be true with most affairs. My XOM ended things with me for all the right reasons: He still wanted to be with his girlfriend and I wasn't planning on leaving my M. So in a sense yes it was goodbye from the beginning. It still hurts just as bad for both people involved. Try not to contact him back. It will only hurt you and him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 12, 2010 Author Share Posted May 12, 2010 he said in the letter"i hope that you find someone who can truly give to you as you are able to give to them. you deserve nothing less. i didn't want to fall for you but i did" i'm glad his conscience is cleared. i had a gut feeling to do NC and i am glad I did. what if this was a year from now or more. I know this. he KNEW it was hard for me to open up, he ENCOURAGED me to open up to him, knowing he'd never leave. Wtf? I am so perplexed. How could he? Why send me a letter like that-telling me all the things he loves about me ( it's a long letter ) some surface stuff, some deep stuff - then wish me to find someone. then sending me a text telling me he left a letter and he won't bother me anymore - then signing it "yours" why is he doing this to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 12, 2010 Author Share Posted May 12, 2010 oh - and one more thing - he said he is sad yet honored to write this letter to me....... seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 why is he doing this to me Because you're letting him. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 Miss- I'm sorry about this. It makes me mad that he was only thinking of himself and his needs by contacting you. He didn't respect your need for NC, and thought maybe he could sweet talk you back into being the OW. I hate it when people break NC. They always do it for themselves, not for the person they are contacting. So selfish. It's good that you saw his audacity in signing it "yours" instead of hers. Because after all, take his letter away and what is he? Still hers. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 12, 2010 Share Posted May 12, 2010 Because you're letting him. GEL Bingo. So, you now ACT to prevent his contacting you. Like blocking his number, email, etc. And the letter? Return to Sender Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 12, 2010 Author Share Posted May 12, 2010 the link that fooled once posted on reasons for NC - I printed that out at the beginning of this week, and it's on my fridge. LOL - I take it down when company comes over. Honestly, even if I wanted to contact him, there are no words. He got to clear his thoughts, so I am sure he will not be contacting me anymore. He's taken something from me that will take a long time to get back. Knowing this, I can't break NC - even if it's only been 5 days since I started NC, I do not want to go back. I don't want him to know how bad he got to me. he truly saw me for me and loved what he saw. i don't see how that couldn't been enough. why was i not worth it? what if meeting the love of you life meant changing the life you loved? I am meeting an old girlfriend for drinks. Speaking with her briefly, it seems like her life sucks at the moment as well. so we're gonna catch up and play "whose life sucks more." you guys have been great. thank you. i hope i can get though this and help someone else some day. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 he truly saw me for me and loved what he saw. i don't see how that couldn't been enough. why was i not worth it? what if meeting the love of you life meant changing the life you loved? QUOTE] ---------------- Yes, I'm sure he did love what he saw. But these affairs outside of the marriage, are normally just Using the OW for something that is lacking in the marriage - not as replacement.. Stay with NC, Miss. Words could not express his reflections of what he has done, excepting through your NC. While you are with your friend, know that your life isn't as bad as you may think.. You are Free.. and not having to Sneak around outside of marriage for fulfillment.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 What hurt the most is the title of the letter asking if it was goodbye from the beginning - Yes it was. He never had any intention of leaving his wife and 3 kids, from day one. He may have cared for you, allowed feelings to develop, but with that, he still had no intention of doing anything about it. Don't be his ego feed. Let YOUR EGO and PRIDE now take over and stay in NC mode. No good can come of returning a call, text or an email. It'll only do damage to you. He's made his choice, now you make yours. NO MATTER what, stay in NC mode. He doesn't deserve to hear a word from you, ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Because you're letting him. GEL Bulls eye. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Miss - I am so sorry. I know you are hurting. NC sucks - nothing short of it. He has the perfect life on the outside - but what about on the inside? Do you think he will leave? If not - you need to start thinking of you and let him think of the wife. Change your number - no more texts. Good luck. sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Miss - I am so sorry. I know you are hurting. NC sucks - nothing short of it. He has the perfect life on the outside - but what about on the inside? . ----------------------- Obviously no good life inside, for those who are reaching outside of marriage for their continued fulfillment.. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 Go with your gut, tear up the letter. Post on here what you would otherwise write to him. Each time you tell him how you are feeling you give him more to cling on to, more to respond to and more hope that you will fall back into being the OW. You dont want to be the OW and he isnt willing to leave so he has nothing to offer you. Keep strong you are doing great Link to post Share on other sites
joey66 Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 BTDT. Let me tell you how it goes. You break NC and things start over again. It won't be long until you'll go NC again, only it will be harder. Then you'll break NC again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And it will get harder every single time. It's hard now, but if you give in it's going to get worse. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Fieldsofgold Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 I am so sorry he did that, sorry you are going through this. I am just starting NC as well. I have gotten in touch with my anger. I am indignant. It may not be the most noble reasons for NC, but it is helping. I am thinking about the little things. He keeps their cars running perfectly, while I have to fix my own. That sort of thing. Stupid. Yeah, but it is helping. I wish I could say something profound that would make you feel better. I'm just sorry that you are hurting. I am pulling for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 13, 2010 Author Share Posted May 13, 2010 I have absolutely NO desire to break NC. He made his choice, and I do not want someone who doesn't want me. When I think of that letter - it makes me sick. He got to clear his conscience. He didn't think about how I would feel to receive that letter - how I cried, and felt so ashamed. He got his closure. Good for him. From reading other's journey's on NC - it seems like after the fist month is when people have trouble keeping NC or begin to 2nd guess themselves. While I feel strong at the moment - I can't help but to wonder what is around the corner. I will take it each day. I am SO thankful there was not a D-day. I was so caught up, I never really considered that. All is W would have to do is look at the cell phone bill. His job made it very easy to be home late. Iwas his first A, and most likely since he got away with this, it will only be a matter of time. He would make comments like his wife doesn't even pay enough attention to notice anything is off......sad Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 13, 2010 Author Share Posted May 13, 2010 urgh - he just emailed me asking if i received the letter. while i have no desire to speak with him - would it be considered breaking NC to email back "yes" and that is all? seems like a grey area. pissed that he is emailing me. at the same time, i would want to know if someone received something i sent. so i don't see the harm in a one word response. still new at this... what do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 When push comes to shove and all of those little "sayings"...in the end/beginning it's all about you and what you can and can't handle. It's sounds to me like you are in the direction of wanting a committment at some point, so if this remains in this direction, the A will be grueling for the mostpart. No matter what you do, please keep posting, even if you go NC a million times...please keep posting:), because like you said, it does help and for me has made all the difference in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss-understood Posted May 13, 2010 Author Share Posted May 13, 2010 pureinheart: thanks for the encouragement. i am not going to respond. of course i got the letter. he knows how i feel about him, and he understands why i am NC. for him to continue to email me - further illustrates how selfish he truly is. the more OW stories i read - the more i woke up, and realized i simply am not cut out for that title. i can no longer be emotionally invested in something that will never work out. it is very black and white - he is not leaving his family. and now that i have had some time to reflect - i honestly don't blame him. who knows what the future holds....i just know i am NOT going to put MY life on hold to find out. he's the love of my life, but even with that being said - no one is worth that. Life is short - I love him - that's why I threw the dice.we all have our reasons for being the OW - at the same time, because life is short - i can't waste it. it is still hard. i cry out of nowhere, and can barley focus, and am super hungover. i'm just starting to pick myself up. Link to post Share on other sites
NSGurl Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 You'll be okay, trust me. Just keep walking through those moments and understand they're temporary, they're temporary, they're temporary and they DO become less intense. Nothing more than part of the process, K? Good to hear you didn't respond (limited contact leads to more of the same). Also, expect more of his fishing trips ahead. <rolling my weary eyes> Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 13, 2010 Share Posted May 13, 2010 I have absolutely NO desire to break NC. He made his choice, and I do not want someone who doesn't want me. When I think of that letter - it makes me sick. He got to clear his conscience. He didn't think about how I would feel to receive that letter - how I cried, and felt so ashamed. He got his closure. Good for him. From reading other's journey's on NC - it seems like after the fist month is when people have trouble keeping NC or begin to 2nd guess themselves. While I feel strong at the moment - I can't help but to wonder what is around the corner. I will take it each day. I am SO thankful there was not a D-day. I was so caught up, I never really considered that. All is W would have to do is look at the cell phone bill. His job made it very easy to be home late. Iwas his first A, and most likely since he got away with this, it will only be a matter of time. He would make comments like his wife doesn't even pay enough attention to notice anything is off......sad For the record, many wives don't feel the need to read a cell phone bill. I have never once looked at our cell phone bill - (1) because we pay it online and (2) WHY would I? If I trust my spouse, why would I feel the need to review the cell bill? I see this all the time on here, as if a wife is so stupid because she trusts her H and doesn't go line by line over a cell phone bill. And why do you think you were his first affair? Because he said so? And you trust that? urgh - he just emailed me asking if i received the letter. while i have no desire to speak with him - would it be considered breaking NC to email back "yes" and that is all? seems like a grey area. pissed that he is emailing me. at the same time, i would want to know if someone received something i sent. so i don't see the harm in a one word response. still new at this... what do you all think? His entire letter was aimed at making him look like this sad sack who is just so deep in love and so pathetic and ... his entire letter was to make you feel so sad for him and to 'hang in there' with him and let him continue to use your heart and body. Truly - you can't see that? And then to send a note to say "did you get my letter?" PLEASE.... Don't fall for it - don't fall for it for a second. You want to write him back so you can tell him how sad you are, how upset you are, how much you loooovvveee him, etc.... If you truly are done, be done. Delete the email and block his email. Have NO MORE contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 Miss- my xMM broke NC several times. Even stepped it up when he found out I was seeing someone. He even did it after I threatened to forward his texts to his wife. The two week mark and the two month mark seem to be irresistable for breaking NC. Just be prepared with that delete button. Good luck. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted May 14, 2010 Share Posted May 14, 2010 Send the letter to his wife. Sounds like they need a little excitement over there. Link to post Share on other sites
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