Is there hope?

[Owl]

To respond to the original question of this thread...

 

You already know the answer. You know him, we don't.

 

Is he the kind of man to give you another chance, after all that's happened? Is he the kind of person to allow you to re-establish contact with him again, sometime in the future?

 

Or is he more likely not to give you another chance?

 

What's YOUR gut feeling in this?

[Samantha0905]

This one may be long. Background is in order – I had a great H and a great marriage. H worked hard to put me through graduate school and the plan was to graduate and start our life together. I graduated with a nursing degree and as part of my program was scheduled as a resident in a local hospital. I was 24 at the time and my mentor was 47.

 

That's quite an age difference. Did you ever think things out into the future -- like how would your relationship be (if it had lasted) when you were 44 and he was 67?

 

I never intended anything to happen, but he was paying attention to me, and we started an EA that took about 4 months to turn into a PA (full-blown). We shared some kisses and inappropriate moments before then but took about 4 months before we went past the point of no return. The EA/PA went on for about 5 months and then the OM broke it off. I was devastated, and several days after he broke it off, I admitted the affair to my H. He was in shock, was angry and sad, but said he’d give it a chance to work on things. He requested MC, breaking off any and all contact with OM, that I pursue him (he felt neglected between school and the A). I seriously thought I could do it.

 

So you told your husband about the affair when you were really heartbroken about the other man? It seems that was more about your own heartbreak than about feeling a need to confess to your husband.

 

After things were going well for a couple months, I needed to get closure and share my anger with OM so I started calling him several times a day trying to get through to him. We talked once and had some texts back and forth. I was grieving the loss of the friendship and for the position that he had put me in. By pursuing me, he had a part in ruining my marriage!

 

Well, now. We are adults and I don't think you can blame your other man for ruining your marriage. Those vows were between you and your husband. It still seems here like you are more concerned with the OM than with your husband. Closure occurred when your other man walked away and remained NC. You should have just left it at that. It sounds like he would not have contacted you at all had you not pursued him for "closure."

 

Anyway – H caught wind of that cell phone bill and recognized the calls. He left and then came back after a couple days, but things were never the same after that. He started doing more and more things on his own and distancing himself from me. I think I saw it happening but was too afraid for my marriage to put things together.

 

Did y'all do the marriage counseling? I may have missed it -- very sleepy here!

 

In the midst of this, I bumped into an old co-worker of ours, and developed a friendship with him and his family. My H never really approved of this and was always uncomfortable, but never made things strongly known. I just wish he could have seen how well the two of us could have been friends with this guy and his wife. Instead, it just drove him further and further away. All he could focus on was the fact that we talked a great deal and texted a great deal and did a few things together. I just wish he would have trusted me!

 

You probably shouldn't have been texting another man period after the first affair. I can imagine your husband would not be comfortable with it at all. Plus, it's an older co-worker to boot -- just like your XOM.

 

I had a couple of mistakes beyond that that he freaked out about – a couple calls to the original OM telling him that I forgave him and wanted to move on, and a couple of times that I got together with old co-worker that he found out about (I didn’t want to hide it, but I knew he’d flip out so I kept it secret).

 

Did you "get together" with the co-worker -- just the two of you? And well, contacting the OM was definitely taboo after D Day.

 

Anyway, about a year ago he left and filed for D, and it got really ugly with our house and alimony needs that I had. He was beyond cruel and lined up his family against mine.

 

I feel like he hates me, but I miss him so much. I understand he’s dating again. Is there any chance of us getting together? I keep holding out hope.

 

Sorry to hear about the divorce. So, it's been eight months. Have you dated any? You seem to want your husband now that you don't have your husband -- which more than likely isn't true love. You may care for him a lot, but I can't see that he would come back after all of that.

 

If you move on with your own life, perhaps down the road you will meet someone and be happy again.

 

I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to stress about your ex-husband. You are divorced. He's moving on and so must you. I can't predict the future and actually do know a couple who divorced for three years, then re-married. I suppose it happens. If your husband doesn't want you contacting him at all, however, I think that's sending a clear message.

[Spark1111]

BS here......

 

No, I do not think you have a chance in hell.

 

When you destroy trust as you did in your affair, and then continue contact with the former AP, for whatever reason, you further diminished his trust in you.

 

When you started texted another man as a "friend", doubtful he believed it was only friendship after what he'd been through with you.

 

He does not now, or likely will never, trust you again. You did not give him any clear indication, by your actions, that you would re-dedicate yourself exclusively to HIM and the marriage.

 

And I am sorry to say this, but you still do not appear all that broken up by his defection, the divorce, and the dissolution of your relationship.

 

Now, that he is dating, are you just now realizing that other women may want him?

 

Sometimes, we must admit that we DO NOT really want our partner, we just really do not want anyone else to have them.

 

Your opportunity to repair the damage you did is over, IMHO.

[Woggle]

It is most likely too late and quite honestly you have nobody to blame but yourself. Every man is not going to just around groveling and blaming himself for it.

[Snowflower]

 

I would think he'd want me back because we were meant to be together. I do love him and it took me this to realize just how much I do and how strong my love is. He won't have what we had with anybody. I know that in my heart.

 

fBS here and I freely admit that this is probably influencing my opinion but please think of your XH happiness for once.

 

I believe you when you say that you love him. But sometimes loving someone, I mean really loving them, means letting them go to find their own happiness.

 

Please look at what you wrote above...IMHO, it sounds more like you want your H back only because YOU want him. His feelings don't really matter because you know what is best for him. You have decided that you love him and now you want him back.

 

This has nothing to do with the cheating either. You dumped your H...over and over. He got the hint and left. You could have dumped him for something trivial--you hated all his shirts, for example. It's still the same thing...you told him and acted in ways that let him know that he was not important to you. Now all the sudden you want him back...and he is supposed to come running?

Edited May 13, 2010 by Snowflower

[JustJoe]

OP, Your H gave you a home, a marriage, and put you through Grad school, and what did you give him in return? Lies, deceit and betrayal. You still don't seem to be able to grasp the wrong you have done. You didn't just make a couple of "mistakes", you ruined your marriage just as surely as if you planned it. How can you ever repay him for what you've done? IMO, he will not take you back, nor should he. You need to get a new direction, for your life. Improve yourself, put aside your selfishness, concentrate on learning about integrity and honor and communication and loyalty, prove that you can be a good person to have a relationship with. Never cheat again. Take these painful lessons to heart and find a new man and start again.

[jmargel]

Bobbie, like your ex has said 'It's just all words'. It's just all words from you and not actions.

 

Have you gone to counseling? Have you pursued to fix your issues? Just 'realizing' what you have done is not enough. You had three guys in your life at one point and now really have none. It's bad enough you cheated on your husband but to try to gain the attention back from this OM and then put time into this 'friend' in which should have been directed to your husband, I could see why he has had enough.

 

Your issue goes beyond the cheating. Goto counseling, and in a few months come back to your ex-husband, listen to him.. be a friend. let him know you have gone to counseling and have come to terms on what you did.

 

If he is with someone though, just let it go. If his happiness truly means everything to you then that is what matters.. that he is happy.

 

To want him back now is like you pursuing the OM. You want him more now that you can't have him. Love is not about coming out on top. It's about giving without expecting anything in return.

[Bobbie2010]

BS here......

 

No, I do not think you have a chance in hell.

 

When you destroy trust as you did in your affair, and then continue contact with the former AP, for whatever reason, you further diminished his trust in you.

 

When you started texted another man as a "friend", doubtful he believed it was only friendship after what he'd been through with you.

 

He does not now, or likely will never, trust you again. You did not give him any clear indication, by your actions, that you would re-dedicate yourself exclusively to HIM and the marriage.

 

And I am sorry to say this, but you still do not appear all that broken up by his defection, the divorce, and the dissolution of your relationship.

 

Now, that he is dating, are you just now realizing that other women may want him?

 

Sometimes, we must admit that we DO NOT really want our partner, we just really do not want anyone else to have them.

 

Your opportunity to repair the damage you did is over, IMHO.

 

I do want him. I miss him more than ever, and it doesn't diminish with time. I probably come across cold because after he abandoned me I cried myself nearly to death, and now I'm devoid of emotion. Even though he has been mean to me, left me alone, been cruel and cruel with his family, I still know I could forgive him and take him back.

 

I know he started dating someone and I expected them to break up quickly, but it seems to be headed in a good direction. I would try and make myself "available", but I will let him be. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, letting the love of my life walk away, but the fact that he's hurt me just as much now does make it a bit easier.

[Woggle]

Quite honestly I think the only reason you want him back is because he has moved on. If he were still begging you to take him back and trying to win you back I bet you would run the other way. It is a very common thing with women.

[2sure]

Like others said he chose to give you grad school, marriage, committment, fidelity, several chances.

 

You chose to give him debt & betrayal. Several times over.

 

He divorced you, you got alimony.

I understand that you have learned and grown, and thats wonderful.

 

To answer your original question...is there a possibility for the two of you?

 

Ever seen the move Godfather?

 

"No Chance"

[Bobbie2010]

fBS here and I freely admit that this is probably influencing my opinion but please think of your XH happiness for once.

 

I believe you when you say that you love him. But sometimes loving someone, I mean really loving them, means letting them go to find their own happiness.

 

Please look at what you wrote above...IMHO, it sounds more like you want your H back only because YOU want him. His feelings don't really matter because you know what is best for him. You have decided that you love him and now you want him back.

 

This has nothing to do with the cheating either. You dumped your H...over and over. He got the hint and left. You could have dumped him for something trivial--you hated all his shirts, for example. It's still the same thing...you told him and acted in ways that let him know that he was not important to you. Now all the sudden you want him back...and he is supposed to come running?

 

I know that my actions don't say much for me. This is why I am trying to be honest here despite the fact that there are some strong words. I deserve it. I live with the guilt every day and know I probably can't have him back. It is a tremendous loss for me. He is the love of my life and I ruined it. I also know that he is experiencing a loss too because if he is the love of my life I have to by default be the love of his.

[KikiW]

I do want him. I miss him more than ever, and it doesn't diminish with time. I probably come across cold because after he abandoned me I cried myself nearly to death, and now I'm devoid of emotion. Even though he has been mean to me, left me alone, been cruel and cruel with his family, I still know I could forgive him and take him back.

 

I know he started dating someone and I expected them to break up quickly, but it seems to be headed in a good direction. I would try and make myself "available", but I will let him be. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, letting the love of my life walk away, but the fact that he's hurt me just as much now does make it a bit easier.

 

I'm sorry, but I'd really like to hand you a cross so you can crawl on up and nail yourself to it.

 

You broke his trust again and again. AGAIN AND AGAIN. AGAIN AND AGAIN. YOU were cruel to HIM. YOU were mean to HIM. YOU walked away from HIM. YOU hurt HIM. The fact that he may have given back what he got makes him a normal human being. Sure, maybe some people find revenge a little sweeter than they should, but you set yourself up for it. The fact that he has requested that you never contact him tells me he's not such a mean, cruel person. He just never wants to see you again.

 

Leave him alone and move on. Maybe you'll learn from this and won't treat some other guy nearly the same way you did this one.

[Bobbie2010]

Quite honestly I think the only reason you want him back is because he has moved on. If he were still begging you to take him back and trying to win you back I bet you would run the other way. It is a very common thing with women.

 

I think the hardest thing about this is that for the last 3 months of our marriage, I thought he was doing okay. I thought he was happy and I thought we were moving in a good direction. I didn't even find out until after the day he left that he spent the last 3 months of our marriage planning his escape.

 

How could he do this? We were spending holidays with families, doing things, and all the while he was plotting his escape.

 

I know if he would have just talked to me then we could have had a better marriage than we ever had (and it was a GREAT marriage before I screwed it up). Instead, he left. THAT is why I feel abandoned!

[Bobbie2010]

I'm sorry, but I'd really like to hand you a cross so you can crawl on up and nail yourself to it.

 

You broke his trust again and again. AGAIN AND AGAIN. AGAIN AND AGAIN. YOU were cruel to HIM. YOU were mean to HIM. YOU walked away from HIM. YOU hurt HIM. The fact that he may have given back what he got makes him a normal human being. Sure, maybe some people find revenge a little sweeter than they should, but you set yourself up for it. The fact that he has requested that you never contact him tells me he's not such a mean, cruel person. He just never wants to see you again.

 

Leave him alone and move on. Maybe you'll learn from this and won't treat some other guy nearly the same way you did this one.

 

The difference is that I learned from my mistakes and was ready to do something constructive. He seemed to delight in making me suffer. That's what is so cruel. Mine was accidental and his was intentional.

 

He never acted this way before and I have to live with the guilt that I screwed him up, and now I can't make it right. It is so hard to live with that for the rest of my life.

[Church Bells]

Mine was accidental and his was intentional.

 

You know ... back when I was single and trying my best to get laid ... I never once had a woman stumble and "accidentally" fall on my dick ... how did you accomplish this magical feat? ... you must be terribly clumsy.

 

I'm sorry, but the more I read of your BS ... its remains VERY CLEAR ... that EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

[Snowflower]

I know that my actions don't say much for me. This is why I am trying to be honest here despite the fact that there are some strong words. I deserve it. I live with the guilt every day and know I probably can't have him back. It is a tremendous loss for me. He is the love of my life and I ruined it. I also know that he is experiencing a loss too because if he is the love of my life I have to by default be the love of his.

 

I think you are trying to be honest. Even though I can't agree with some of what you have written here. They are just that, your feelings, and hopefully you can find some peace eventually.

 

I wish there were magic words to make this all better for you and to help you through it.

 

I know its hard to lose someone who you love. No matter how this happens.

 

Good luck.

[anne1707]

OP

 

How much of this is about feelings of love you have for him or the feelings you have because he has moved on and is now seeing someone else? How much of this is because you no longer exert any control over him?

[jmargel]

Listen people.. Bobbie is here to get advice and help not to be talked to in that way (meaning church bells). If you want to give advice fine, however be constructive with it.

 

Bobbie, the reason why he was 'planning' this was because he probably felt all the communication between you two have broken down beyond repair. He had no faith left in the marriage, he was lied to multiple times. Words weren't enough for him anymore so he started his plan on getting out.

 

You might feel what he is doing is cruel, but in all actuality he isn't being that way. Being cruel is trying to get revenge on someone, however he is asking just to be left alone. He's not doing that to hurt you, he's doing that to move on with his life.

 

I don't know what is going on throug his head, I don't know if he still 'thinks' about you or loves you. However that is not what really is important right now. What is, is that you get the counseling you need. Do this for yourself. If you happen to come across him later in life you can then take what you learned from the counseling and offer him the love and support you have for him.

 

You can't help whatever relationship you have with him unless you get help for yourself.

 

You are not a bad person by any means, you just made some bad choices. However those bad choices should not define you as a person. It's normal to have guilt over what has happened and that is actually a good thing to feel. You are learning from it, emotionally but I believe your next step is for counseling. It does help and you have nothing to lose by trying it.

[JustJoe]

Bobbie, you still don't get it do you? Look at your posts, they are all about you. How you have suffered, how cruel he and his family was to you, how you needed closure, how you feel abandoned. DO YOU EVER THINK HOW HE FELT, when you cheated? Have you ever considerd his wants and needs, at all? I may sound harsh, but until you show remorse, until you start to think of others , instead of yourself, until you can bite the bullet and put other peoples needs , before your own, you will have a very hard time having any kind of a good relationship, with any man. Until you can feel his pain, you will never understand what you have done. Iimprove your own life, prove that you can be trusted, show him your remorse and sorrow, and that's about all you can do. I'm really sorry , but It's a tough lesson learned.

Edited May 13, 2010 by JustJoe

[NSGurl]

Bobbie,

 

You would best serve yourself (and society) if you invested in long-term therapy. I am being very serious here.

[bentnotbroken]

I think the hardest thing about this is that for the last 3 months of our marriage, I thought he was doing okay. I thought he was happy and I thought we were moving in a good direction. I didn't even find out until after the day he left that he spent the last 3 months of our marriage planning his escape.

 

How could he do this? We were spending holidays with families, doing things, and all the while he was plotting his escape.

 

I know if he would have just talked to me then we could have had a better marriage than we ever had (and it was a GREAT marriage before I screwed it up). Instead, he left. THAT is why I feel abandoned!

 

 

You abandoned the marriage long before he packed up and moved out. You only wish you were the love of my life, and it is clear by your actions that he wasn't enough for you. Get some help and move on.

[Bobbie2010]

Bobbie, you still don't get it do you? Look at your posts, they are all about you. How you have suffered, how cruel he and his family was to you, how you needed closure, how you feel abandoned. DO YOU EVER THINK HOW HE FELT, when you cheated? Have you ever considerd his wants and needs, at all? I may sound harsh, but until you show remorse, until you start to think of others , instead of yourself, until you can bite the bullet and put other peoples needs , before your own, you will have a very hard time having any kind of a good relationship, with any man. Until you can feel his pain, you will never understand what you have done. Iimprove your own life, prove that you can be trusted, show him your remorse and sorrow, and that's about all you can do. I'm really sorry , but It's a tough lesson learned.

 

I spent a great deal of time worrying about him. I do realize that he shared his needs with me with me and while things were starting to recover, I was meeting those needs. I didn't see him starting to meet my unmet needs in that timeframe, though. I needed him to pursue me, and to trust me, and to reciprocate what I was providing to him.

 

I realize that I said "I" about 10 times in that last sentence, but I actually did go to IC during that timeframe. I learned that I needed to heal myself if I was going to heal my H. Hence my need for closure, forgiveness (to OM as well as myself).

 

My friendship with the co-worker was just that - a healthy friendship that my H read WAY too much into. I should have been more upfront and honest, and probably shouldn't have spent time alone with him. All things that I realize now.

 

I am in healthcare. I am much more empathetic and caring than my posts suggest. I would do anything for my friends and family, and those I care about (including my H) I hold very close to. I honestly think the A happened because my friendship that started on good terms got WAY out of control. Honestly, I fell in love with two men at the same time and did get heartbroken when OM left me for another woman, despite how completely messed up that sounds and how messed up that feels to type. It is a true statement - if you pursue 2, intentionally or unintentionally, you'll likely lose both. Lesson learned the hard way.

[Bobbie2010]

You abandoned the marriage long before he packed up and moved out. You only wish you were the love of my life, and it is clear by your actions that he wasn't enough for you. Get some help and move on.

 

My love for my H never wavered. I did a bad job of showing him through my actions, but I always have loved him and always will. Maybe we'll be together in heaven. That's all I can hope for at this point.

 

I have learned, and if I can ever love another again, I will not have another A. I know how badly I hurt my xH.

[Samantha0905]

Bobbie, I hope things get better for you. Yes, you made very bad choices and ended up losing your husband. Okay. So, now you can move forward in life. Stop dwelling on all of that so much. Try to work on yourself, your own fulfillment and happiness. If counseling helps you, continue with that. I think you should surround yourself with friends and get out doing things. Find things that interest you and fulfill you that aren't relationship related.

 

Eventually you will be better. Forgiving yourself is the first step.

[PhoenixRise]

I think the hardest thing about this is that for the last 3 months of our marriage, I thought he was doing okay. I thought he was happy and I thought we were moving in a good direction. I didn't even find out until after the day he left that he spent the last 3 months of our marriage planning his escape.

 

How could he do this? We were spending holidays with families, doing things, and all the while he was plotting his escape.

 

I know if he would have just talked to me then we could have had a better marriage than we ever had (and it was a GREAT marriage before I screwed it up). Instead, he left. THAT is why I feel abandoned!

 

I don't think you get it.

 

Your H probably thought to himself

 

How could she do this? We were planning a life together, we were spending time together, we were planning holidays and vacations, I even put her through grad school..all for our future. AND all the while she was off cheating on me. If she was unhappy, why didn't she tell me so we could work on things?

 

I don't blame him for plotting his escape. I don't blame him for lulling you into a false sense of security while he planned.

 

You had a second chance.. you threw it away. If you had stayed away from the OM and been more focused on earning back your H trust than getting your closure your H might still be with you.

 

I doubt he would take you back.

 

This can be a time of growth for you if you let it. Let your H go and work on you. Get into IC. Figure out why you self destructed a life you say was a good one. You NEVER want to be here again right? Don't try to plaster over your issues by trying to get your H back. Accept being alone for now. Just work on you.