I would like some insights on the changing dynamic of my relationship pls

[Thinkalot]

Hi all,

 

As most of you are well aware, I am on the road to healing and overcoming obsessive thoughts about my partner's past/ex-wife and so on. I'm seeing a psychologist, taking anti-depressants, reading books, saying affirmations (I even wrote my favourites out and had them laminated and put on the wall!) and also talking to you guys at LS. I'm working on my self esteem also, and trying to be a happier more secure person in general.

 

Some of you are also aware, that my issues at times have nearly caused the end of my current relationship, been a big strain on my partner, and resulted in him often becoming angry and tense.

 

Now, over the past few weeks, but the past week especially, there has been a noticeable change. I have been doing more things on my own, quite happily. I have been to the gym often (I usually go often anyway) and reading books, looking into doing ballroom dancing classes (by myself as it's not my bf's cup of tea!) and so on. I have basically pulled back a bit, away from him and my intense need and obsession,to live and breathe more independently again. And it feels good! Plus, when I am not with him, I no longer think all the obsessive thoughts (well, sometimes, but very rarely) and just feel happy doing my thing. It is when I am with him, that I still sometimes struggle not to ask questions, or feel anxious, because there is always fresh input or things said, for me to question, worry about..but anyway, I'm getting there and it's easier to control, even when we ARE together.

 

Now, as a result of the changes in me, my guy has been noticeable happier, lighter and more loving. He also offers me more attention and opens up to me more. Funny the positive effects a little breathing space and rational thought will have on a person! He is much more like the person he used to be and says he feels much more in love with me again now, than when I was constantly going on, or revealing alack of trust, or obsessing, clinging etc. (And Merry, you'll be happy to know that on the odd occassion he HAS become tense, I have simply shut up and walked away...he then calms down very fast!).

 

The thing is, and yes, it's taken me a while to get to the point, but I had to set the stage...at the moment, I feel like I am standing TOO far away from him. I guess I am struggling to find the new and healthy balance of closeness and intensity, without it becoming so overpowering and unhealthy as it did before. I am also learning how to be myself as an individual again.

 

My guy says he is happier with the new balance, but agrees we could have more closeness. He feels confident this will grow naturally in time, as we stay more and more peaceful and happy together. He says he loves me deeply, just as I love him deeply, and feels this is just part of the healing process, and the adjustment in our relationship which needed to happen.

 

I think I also feel I have been stepping back a little, to give myself some breathing and thinking space...and also alone time, which at the moment, is the time I worry the least and the obsessive thoughts stay most at bay.

 

Does this all sound right, and part of the process and make sense to you guys?

 

I should add, we are still very loving and caring towards each other, and still do a lot together..there is just a noticeable change, especially in me...and so far it's mainly been very positive for us...I just don't want to stay standing too far away from him, if you understand what I am trying to explain here! Or, I don't want us to lose the super close connection we have had. It's hard to put into words, but I think you get what I am saying here...

 

I also think LS has given me a place to talk, and feel like I am a part of something. I don't have many friends here at all, and dont work with many people, so I used to feel quite isolated at times, and therefore had too much time to look inward and obsess! LS now provides an enjoyable distraction and also great grounding advice!

 

Looking forward to your feedback!

 

Thinkalot.

[jenny]

i don't know what else to say but good for you! we have much to learn from you, and your fellow is awful lucky to have your strength, determination, and inner beauty to come home to. (and outer beauty too, i'm sure )

 

i really hope to goodness that anyone else facing these kinds of challenges gets to read your posts; i know i will re-read them when i start to think too much about my guy's family and culture. i do obsess there; it's so comforting to know i can overcome it.

 

and this is the awesome strength of being serious in nature. you change things; you change your behaviour; your density and gravitational pull allows light to find you readily.

[Charley]

[color=red]hooray and 3 cheers for thinkalot![/color]

 

i know it might sound wierd but i really am happy for you, even though i dont know you other than cyberspace.

 

This has inspired me to try even harder to forget my own obsession with my boyfriends past,

 

im really glad you are feeling happier and your relationship is working out better!

 

charley

[moimeme]

Thinkalot,

 

Congratulations on all the positive developments I am truly happy for you and I think you two are lucky people - you both are willing to work hard to maintain your relationship and you communicate. You are working together as a team to solve your problems - that is absolutely fantastic. Congratulations, too, on being able to disengage from disagreements. The more you both see that certain methods of relating work better than others, the more tools you will have in your kit to keep the relationship strong.

 

Your 'distance' is relatively new and feels strange to you. Fortunately, your understands how and why it has come about so he knows it's not that you are emotionally distancing yourself. You probably need to do this for a bit longer just to become comfortable being not totally immersed in him. Once you have individuated well, you will be able to set your boundaries closer to him again. Certainly, if he asks for more time or company, comply and let him know to be sure to ask you when he does want more from you since you need the input to be able to know where to set your boundary. As long as he understands that you don't prefer your newfound independence to being with him and that he ought not feel he is 'imposing' his wishes on you if he asks for more time, you should be fine.

 

I've known one fellow whose wife got involved in so many things that he felt very isolated and neglected, but he didn't want to 'impose' upon her by asking for more of her time!!! There's an example of how a relationship can go off the rails if one partner does not openly discuss needs. However, it sounds as though you two have such good lines of communication that neither of you will allow that to happen. Added bonus is that he knows you are not trying to become aloof.

 

I think it is wonderful that you both participate here and discuss your situation so fully; I'm sure you are being of immeasurable help to lots of people as you allow us to 'observe' your interaction from a distance. Best of all, the relationship you are modelling is what I'd consider a 'model' relationship because of the commitment on both your parts to do what it takes to make it work. As too many people can unfortunately attest, people willing to do that are rare. You deserve each other in the best possible way.

[brashgal]

Don't worry, be happy! in the immortal words of Bobby McFerrin...

 

You are doing all the right things - it's a balancing act, a dance....enjoy the ride!

[meanon]

The important thing is that you love each other and that you are on the road to full recovery. You are used to total immersion in his psyche - nothing wrong with that in theory but not so good when dealing with the obsessive thoughts. In time it will not be necessary to have a physical separation to remain unaffected by these thoughts. You will also be easier discussing certain topics with him (no off limits areas). So in that sense you will be closer. This transitional phase is so important - so that when you do come together you are both free of the neediness. Two things occured to me reading your post - not sure if they apply:

 

Some couples I know with this problem (OCD) have observed that it created a king of uni-dimensional element to their relationship, preventing it from moving through the natural stages of evolution that a maturing relationship goes through. The "two minds as one" phase is usually characteristic of that first, heady, intense phase. It's usually followed by a slight decoupling where people are freer to pursue independent interest and friendships - this is the point at which many relationships fail. Those that come through the transition find the relationship strengthened, rather than weakened, by the fact that growth occurs apart as well as together. A mature relationship is one in which independent activity is promoted by each as they seek to help the other reach fulfillment in ways that are unique to each individual.

 

Anyone with self esteem issues (and most people have them at some point) needs to strive for the knowledge that we have it within ourselves to make our life happy on our own. A degree of independence is therefore necessary to remain mentally healthy.

 

You and your Bunnyboy (!!!!) have what it takes to make a relationship many would dream of. Have fun along the way.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement! It is a real boost to read your kind words.

 

Even this morning, before I left home for work, my partner (aka Bunnyboy ) seemed so happy and I asked why he was in such a jolly mood. He said, "because things are changing between us for the better! You are more willing to do your own thing, and I can then do my own thing, and then we can come together again and share things. I like this new dynamic a lot!"

 

I said, "but I am worried maybe I am standing too far away from you...I am so used to needing you, in I suppose, an unhealthy way, that this feels odd to me...I think I am learning how this feels again...it's just very different".

 

He said, "That's OK...I need you in a healthy way, and I love you, you'll get used to it..."

 

So I guess, I will! I am also realising that its OK for relationships to experience a natural ebb and flow of closeness. My guy and I had such an intense connection when we first met, that I used to panic if that intensity lessened, or our closeness waned a bit from time to time- I would reach out and cling to him, or fret to him that everything wasn't "exactlty as it used to be"...Now I am learning to understand that longterm relationships go through these cycles, both in terms of emotional, and even sexual desire,...its ok and its natural! Bottom line, we love each other and want to share our lives together and we are best friends.

[Thinkalot]

P.S. I guess all you others who are in, or who have been in, also notice the ebb and flow of closeness in your relationships?

 

Bunnyboy and I have been together nearly 3 years...a record for me (but obviously not for him, because well you know, he has that EX-WIFE he was with for some time...the one I have spent so many hours obsessing over hahahah ....)

 

(... whimpering voice: but do you think he really loves me as much as he loved her?? haha JOKING guys!)