1 year LDR and he cheated (long)

[Lovelymisa]

:sick:

 

Background: I have been with my boyfriend for 2.3 years. We are very serious and have been talking about marriage. The first 1.3 years we were living together in Spain (his country). I moved over there to be with him and I have no friends and family there. I however had my own issues of jealousy, insecurities due to my past that I had to deal with and I basically made him very miserable. I was very controlling and always needed to know where he was at all times. He isolated himself to make me feel better so for this time it was just me and him, no friends, no family, ect. He'll go to work and comes straight home to me. He has always been very loving and understanding, always trying his hardest to help me with my issues. But it wasn't how it should be, I need to help myself. We finally agreed for me to move back to the states to deal with my issues on my own.

 

I left for California on June-10-2009 and we have been doing LDR for 11 months and some days now. He keeps constant contact with me, emails me every single day for the whole duration of our LDR, we skype for 1.5 hours everyday due to our 9 hours time difference. Even with the distance, I would still try to control him. I wouldn't let him go out for drinks after work, or hang out with his friends. I would always pick a fight with him even though all he is going on is a 3 days business trip. I am not a bad person, I am just so scared to lose him. I wanted to make sure my past would not repeat itself and I got carried away. I know that I slowly was pushing him away. Despite him always letting me have my way, I know his resentment towards me were building up more and more everyday.

 

Finally April-08-2010 we got into a huge fight because he started to want to hang out with his friends. Since he has lost all of his friends, the only "friends" he has now are co workers. This time he was determined not to give in to me. The fight was so bad that it ended in him breaking up with me. This is when I realized I am about to lose the love of my life and I did a complete turnaround. I don't know how I did it, but I changed completely..from the worse girlfriend to I can almost say the perfect girlfriend. Too little too late maybe?? I became very understanding, supportive and trusting. I told him to go out with his friends, I want him to be happy and to come home to me. All I wanted was to love him and for him to love me. He could not fathom how I can change like that, he was thinking in his mind that I'm probably just trying for a week or so and I'll resume back to my normal crazy self next week. The next day which was Friday April 9th he went out with his co-workers at 5pm when they got off work, and in the begining of the night he emailed me constantly to assure me everything is fine. Then for the next 20 hours nothing. I didn't hear from him until 3pm Saturday. He told me he was allergic to something during dinner and was in the hospital. He was still too upset with me from our fight the night before that he didn't even think to contact me to let me know. I believed every word.

 

Now every Fridays he starts to stay for drinks after work and then go out to clubs until early Saturday morning. He would call me when he is on his way home and we'd skype until he gets tired and falls asleep...then a repeat on Saturday. The weekdays we skype everyday like normal. It has been like that since April 2010. I know his reason for going out so much now is because he never did in 2 years and he desperately needed to feel like he can.

 

But something changed after the fight we had. He was cold and distant. I guess after 2.3 years of controlling him and pushing him, I finally went too far. April 20th he suggested we take a break, he is too confused and he doesn't know what he wanted. I was devastated. Just as I am perfect now to him, he doesn't think he wants me anymore??? I cried and begged him to not take this break since we both agreed that I would come back to Spain June 2010. He told me he still loves me but he's not sure if he wants me to come back to Spain and he's not sure if he wants to start fresh with me given we have so much negative history. But finally he decided that he still wants me in his life but to not pressure him right now and give him some space for his heart and mind to heal from all the hurt I've caused him in the past. I have never cheated on him but what I did was just as bad I suppose.

 

Now here is the current situation:

 

My boyfriend just came to me and told me that his heart and mind is clear now, he loves me and wants to be with me. He wants me to come back to Spain in June and we shall start fresh and soon have our wedding. But he needs to let me know that he has cheated on me during his "confusion" period. So April 8th was the day I drastically changed after 2.3 years because we had that blowout fight and April 9th was the night he cheated on me with one of his co-worker named Charlotte. That was the night that he first started to go out and also the only night that he didn't contact me for 20 hours claiming he was hospitalized for an allergic reaction. It turns out after the bars and clubs were closed this night, he went to her house and there they had sex. He told me she gave him a BJ and he used a condom with her, but his guilty mind would not allow him to reach orgasm so in the end he didn't cum.

 

Charlotte is a co-worker and is in his groups of friends, so after this night, every weekend when he goes out she was always there. They had sex together only that one night, but for 2 weeks after he tried to get to know her more because she was the complete opposite of me, she was fun, easygoing, party girl whereas i was the jealous insecure innocent girl. Charlotte is social and outgoing jusrt like him. They kissed on many other occasions with tongue and all. He said he had many chances to come back to her house for sex again but he never did. He said he was using her to see if he loves me or not and if he still wanted to be with me. He needed to be with someone else to know if he still wanted me. So their "affair" lasted April-09-2010 until April-24-2010 which was the last day that they kissed. And on May 8th which was 4 days ago was when he told her straight out that he loves his girlfriend (me) and it sickens him to ever think to leave me for someone like her and he made a horrible mistake. She was upset but told him she was fine with that because she was not interested in a relationship with him either. So they are back to being just friends now. She is in his group of friends, so she's always going to be around.

 

He told me his mind is very clear now, he has never cheated on any girl before and he has made the biggest mistake of his life and sadly it was with me that he made this mistake. He told me he wanted me because i was the opposite of him, he realized he didn't want a girl like him. He asked me for my forgiveness, and that he forgives me for the 2.3 years of hell I've put him through. I know I was a horrible girlfriend to him, He never got to be himself around me before, but I never wanted to hurt him on purpose. I was just so scared to lose him, to have him cheat on me and my worse fear in the end came true...possibly because of my fear in the first place is why it came true. I have never cheated on anyone and I am very loyal. He told me there is no more confusion on his part, he wants me, he loves me, period. Now all of the friends, male or females are just friends. If he goes out it is only for enjoying times with friends. When I come back to Spain he said he will introduce me to everyone, including Charlotte. He said he wants to take me everywhere with him, introduce me to everyone, he will love me and kiss me in front of Charlotte he has nothing to hide. He even changed his job for a better one and now he will be working at a new company come June as well, so he would not be seeing these "friends" everyday in work anymore. He said he has been so good to me for the 2.3 years of which I was not good to him, so if we can just flush all of this like a bad nightmare down the toilet and to start fresh. He told me he is 28 now almost 30, he was only confused and made a mistake. He has never cheated before and is not going to start cheating now at 30.

 

I really do believe everything he said, he is a good person and I can say I still trust him as he has never done anything ever to hurt me, made tons of sacrifices for me and i'm sure he wouldn't have cheated on me now had i not pushed him away. I honestly do forgive him as I feel that I've been the one who pushed him slowly to what happened. I do want to go back to Spain June-2010 and start over and to meet his friends... I'll be polite and civil to Charlotte but I will never be friends with someone who can sleep with another person's boyfriend. I don't hate her because I know it takes two to tango and it hurts me so much to think of what happened.

 

Now I really need advice on how to forget. I forgive, but I can't seem to forget. It is a hard pill to swallow. I keep wanting to bring it up, ask more questions (i've already asked many questions and received all the answers i could possibly need) but i'm wanting to ask in details like what happened the night they were intimate...was she a good kisser, did she give a good bj...did she have a nice body...what positions were they in ect... i don't know why I'm wanting to know the details i'm going crazy.

 

I haven't asked him these questions, I won't...but i can't help but think of them alot. To him we are okay, he knows i forgive him, we are moving on and we flushed all of this down the toilet already. But to me, this lingers on inside my mind.........and it hurts.

 

 

Please help..... I am so sorry for the length and thank you so much for taking the time to read about my situation..

Edited May 13, 2010 by Lovelymisa

[Arabella]

He came clean to you when you would never have known otherwise. That's worth something.

 

I think he really became confused because of your behavior, and he acted out. If you can find it in yourself to forgive him, I think you could still be happy together. At least, you both know what you want beyond any doubts.

 

Don't ask questions about the affair, because the more you know, the more you will torture yourself with the details. Decide now whether you can forgive him or not, and work towards that.

 

Best of luck,

 

Arabella

Edited May 13, 2010 by Arabella

[aerogurl87]

So you caged him in (even from afar) for a little over two years and when he reached his breaking point he acted out. Plus you two were broken up so I don't really think what he did counts as cheating on you. I've always been of the mind that whatever happens during a breakup is not cheating since both people are considered single.

 

What bothers me is that he continued to make out with this girl after he had done the deed and I presume after you two got back together. If he was as guilty as he claimed, he would've never seen this Charlotte girl again outside of work, let alone kissed her once more. All his crap about "oh well I was just trying to see if I really loved you" is just that, crap. Perhaps he wasn't feeling guilty, perhaps he got tired of being turned down by his party girl "friend" and decided to run back to a sure choice, you. And if that's the case I would'nt marry him let alone go back to Spain to be with him. As they say there are always two sides to a story and from what you've said something's not adding up here.

[Lovelymisa]

He came clean to you when you would never have known otherwise. That's worth something.

 

I think he really became confused because of your behavior, and he acted out. If you can find it in yourself to forgive him, I think you could still be happy together. At least, you both know what you want beyond any doubts.

 

Don't ask questions about the affair, because the more you know, the more you will torture yourself with the details. Decide now whether you can forgive him or not, and work towards that.

 

Best of luck,

 

Arabella

 

Thank you, you are right I agree with you completely. I know I need to either let it go or let the relationship go. It is not wise to dwell, especially on the details of what happened.

[Lovelymisa]

So you caged him in (even from afar) for a little over two years and when he reached his breaking point he acted out. Plus you two were broken up so I don't really think what he did counts as cheating on you. I've always been of the mind that whatever happens during a breakup is not cheating since both people are considered single.

 

What bothers me is that he continued to make out with this girl after he had done the deed and I presume after you two got back together. If he was as guilty as he claimed, he would've never seen this Charlotte girl again outside of work, let alone kissed her once more. All his crap about "oh well I was just trying to see if I really loved you" is just that, crap. Perhaps he wasn't feeling guilty, perhaps he got tired of being turned down by his party girl "friend" and decided to run back to a sure choice, you. And if that's the case I would'nt marry him let alone go back to Spain to be with him. As they say there are always two sides to a story and from what you've said something's not adding up here.

 

The fight we had on April 8th ended in him breaking up with me, it was also then that I realized I've been doing it wrong all this time. I love him but I loved him too much to the point that he wasn't able to breathe. He did not break up with me this day however, it was just the worse fight we ever had and it was the straw the broke the camel's back. So the next day when he went out, I guess Charlotte was there and said all the right things to him. 11 months long distance without having done anything physical, i'm sure he was needing the sex as well. The girl was completely opposite of me, fun, sexy...it was too much of a temptation and he acted out i think knowing he has the excuse of our blowout the night before.

 

As for why he continued to kiss her and get to know her after the deed... I asked him that question as well. He told me he is not the type of guy to have ons and to just have sex for the sake of having sex. For him to have sex with a girl, he must in a way like her. He was confused and wanted to get to know her more, kiss ect.. to see what he wants... start over with me given our negative history and forgive me for the past or start over new with a girl without any history and maybe they can start well from day one. I think he was looking for maybe someone to start new with, and had i not changed drastically because of my realization and showed him that i was capable of being a normal, good girlfriend... i'm sure he would never come back to me.

He also told me that it was Charlotte who would always initiate, asking him to go back to her house again and again, but he has always turned her down. I know this to be true because after that night, every time he goes out he'll call me on the way home right after the bars/clubs are close and we'd skype and fall asleep together. She also showed him some insecurity as well and some jealousy when he was looking at go go dancers she'll make comments like "You always look at pretty girls" and she would act jealous when random girls come up to try to dance with him, even though he turned his back on them. This was just last Saturday which was 4 days ago, and it was then that he made it clear to her that there would be nothing more between them and he'd never leave his girlfriend for a girl like her.

He told me now that she is lucky they are even still friends, he is quite disgusted of himself and the whole situation and he honestly thought he liked her in the beginning, but as he got to know her more.. he realized he has what he wanted all along in me...especially now that i'm the new and improved me.

 

My past behaviors really pushed him to try to look for greener grass.. that is exactly what he did. But the grass is not greener he realized, and he came back to me. I think I can accept that. He is a great guy and he never would have done what he did without my help... I just need to really let all of this go... it's hard.

 

Thank you soo much for your input!!

[milkmaterial]

i admire u for still carrying on and continuing to try for this relationship, i understand what he went through because im a very jealous person myself.

 

ldr is definitely not for everyone..i think u can only carry on w/ this for a couple of mos but beyond that it kinda stressses ur mental health a lil bit.

 

what he did would been pure pain if it happened to me. i hope that u finally reach into a decision. but hopefully u'll never have to bring this up again.. or else it'd be useless to go back to him.:/

[Els]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I really feel for you.

 

I honestly believe that time, if you spend it in a good, caring relationship where he does all he can to assuage your pain and worries, is a great healer. At least, I cannot think of any other way. I was in your position once when I was going through a difficult time in my life and my LDR bf was as well, and despite us both having troubles I kept pushing him to take care of my needs because he was the sole beacon of light in my life at that time. And although my bf did not cheat on me, he came close to breaking up with me, and some things he said still hurts, even now. I still have trouble with it, even though it occured several months ago. But it lessens with every passing good day. The real BEST solution is to acknowledge that you both caused each other immense pain and to try and start everything afresh, but that is far easier said than done.

 

It's great to change your mental outlook on your relationship, but sometimes that isn't enough. Why was Spain so hard on you, that you became this way with him? I don't know what visa you were on - were you unable to get a job there? Could you not communicate with the people there due to a language barrier and were thus unable to make friends? Did conditions make it impossible for you to continue your old hobbies there? If you plan to go to Spain again to try and make this work... unless you also have a plan to deal with the external circumstances, fixing the internal part will only get you so far.

[BWLoca]

The girl was completely opposite of me, fun, sexy...

 

 

 

Were these his words or yours?

[aerogurl87]

So OP you mean to tell me that after he slept with this girl he continued to kiss her and hang out with her to gauge whether or not something substantial could come of their relationship WHILE he was still pretending to work things out with you and saying he was a good boyfriend, etc. I'm sorry but that's not being confused, that's looking for a way out of the relationship. True you probably suffocated him with your jealousy issues but if that were the case he should've been up front with you and told you that he wanted to see if something could come of him and this other girl. But he didn't do that, which is another reason why I'm calling foul on his part.

 

I believe two people can move on after infidelity, but something isn't sounding right about all this. I mean it took him months to come clean to you about everything and his conscience must not have hurt too much if he continued to see her, kiss her, and attempt to get to know her behind your back for weeks, maybe months, on end.

[Lovelymisa]

i admire u for still carrying on and continuing to try for this relationship, i understand what he went through because im a very jealous person myself.

 

ldr is definitely not for everyone..i think u can only carry on w/ this for a couple of mos but beyond that it kinda stressses ur mental health a lil bit.

 

what he did would been pure pain if it happened to me. i hope that u finally reach into a decision. but hopefully u'll never have to bring this up again.. or else it'd be useless to go back to him.:/

 

Yes it is so very painful and I m trying my bestest to let it go and look forward to the future. I love him and I want to be with him therefore I will have to not bring this up again or else yes it'd be the same thing all over again. Thanks

[Lovelymisa]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I really feel for you.

 

I honestly believe that time, if you spend it in a good, caring relationship where he does all he can to assuage your pain and worries, is a great healer. At least, I cannot think of any other way. I was in your position once when I was going through a difficult time in my life and my LDR bf was as well, and despite us both having troubles I kept pushing him to take care of my needs because he was the sole beacon of light in my life at that time. And although my bf did not cheat on me, he came close to breaking up with me, and some things he said still hurts, even now. I still have trouble with it, even though it occured several months ago. But it lessens with every passing good day. The real BEST solution is to acknowledge that you both caused each other immense pain and to try and start everything afresh, but that is far easier said than done.

 

It's great to change your mental outlook on your relationship, but sometimes that isn't enough. Why was Spain so hard on you, that you became this way with him? I don't know what visa you were on - were you unable to get a job there? Could you not communicate with the people there due to a language barrier and were thus unable to make friends? Did conditions make it impossible for you to continue your old hobbies there? If you plan to go to Spain again to try and make this work... unless you also have a plan to deal with the external circumstances, fixing the internal part will only get you so far.

 

Elswyth I agree with everything you said. We both acknowledged that we both caused each other immense pain and we will start everything afresh. He told me that if I continue to be the happy positive loving/supporting girl that I've become there will be no reason for him to go anywhere else but into my arms. He told me that it is now in the past, and it will never happen again. If he didn't want to be with me, he'd break up with me already. Even if it didn't work out with Charlotte, I'm sure he'd rather be single than be caged in.

 

All of your questions about why I had such a hard time in Spain is exactly it. This time however I actually have plans, goals and I know what I need to do to really embrace Spain as my home Thank you!

[Lovelymisa]

Were these his words or yours?

 

His words were that she was the complete opposite of me. That was it. And I took that as she must be social, outgoing, fun, sexy, a party girl whereas I was more naive,innocent, good girl with issues.. ect... For me I can be all of that too wild party girl, fun ect.., but I didn't allow myself to be at the time due to my insecurites... and I realized this a bit late.

[Lovelymisa]

So OP you mean to tell me that after he slept with this girl he continued to kiss her and hang out with her to gauge whether or not something substantial could come of their relationship WHILE he was still pretending to work things out with you and saying he was a good boyfriend, etc. I'm sorry but that's not being confused, that's looking for a way out of the relationship. True you probably suffocated him with your jealousy issues but if that were the case he should've been up front with you and told you that he wanted to see if something could come of him and this other girl. But he didn't do that, which is another reason why I'm calling foul on his part.

 

I believe two people can move on after infidelity, but something isn't sounding right about all this. I mean it took him months to come clean to you about everything and his conscience must not have hurt too much if he continued to see her, kiss her, and attempt to get to know her behind your back for weeks, maybe months, on end.

 

Yes honestly I hate that it had to be like that. The sad truth is that he did try to break up and be upfront with me the night of our blowout prior to sleeping with her the next night. However his reason for wanting to break up did not involve her at the time because he didn't really think of her that way until the next day after our blowout. He told me he just wanted to be alone and to be single again...to find himself. However I did not let him be and kept pleading him to stay with me and in the end he stayed with me because he still loves me, but his confusion and desire to be single at the time remained.

 

I also do believe that we can move on after the infidelity, and as bad as it all is..in a way i can understand it. I can understand why everything happened...as I can recall, we literally fought every single day from March 25 until the night of the blow out, the straw that broke the camel's back on April 8. Who could handle me? He did for 2.3 years...and 1 year long distance was already hard enough as it is. It didn't take him months to come clean to me, he actually told me he cheated on me 2 days after he did the deed. However I kept crying and was in denial therefore he took it back to relieve my pain... However I just felt like it was too good to be true so after weeks of pushing him to tell me the truth he finally did. He wanted to just forget it all and start fresh and spare me the details, but me I couldn't just move on not knowing what really happened. I rather know the painful truth than be in the dark.

 

As for his conscience, you are right. He felt guilty but his confusion weighed more, therefore he continued to kiss her and try to get to know her after the deed for 2 weeks. He admit to me that he was putting himself first and he was being selfish. He wanted what was best for him because he felt like he deserved it after giving me everything and receiving nothing back from me for 2.3 years. Now he realized that she is not better than me, and how I've been now after my realization is beyond wonderful for him and that he can never find another girl like me. His head and heart are now clear and that he wants me. All we need to do now is to put the past behind us and move forward into our future. I honestly love him so much and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. Despite never have trusted him before when he never did anything to hurt me, I trust him now even though he made my worse fear come true...so weird..

Edited May 14, 2010 by Lovelymisa

[BWLoca]

I kind of agree with aerogurl87. Something doesn't quite sound right. So he told you two days after but still continued to pursue something with her?

 

And true, I'm sure your insecurities drove him away a little bit, but his blaming his infidelity and selfishness on you is a bit foul.

 

Also agree with Elswyth...it's much easier to say you're starting afresh than to actually do so. Hope it all works out.

[BWLoca]

His words were that she was the complete opposite of me. That was it. And I took that as she must be social, outgoing, fun, sexy, a party girl whereas I was more naive,innocent, good girl with issues.. ect... For me I can be all of that too wild party girl, fun ect.., but I didn't allow myself to be at the time due to my insecurites... and I realized this a bit late.

 

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with being a good girl

[maria_patheticsoul]

It happened to me...same thing co-worker he got interested the ugly thing is he was still with me and he did not break up with me when he did that..and that is what bothered me. He did not disclose it but i found it out in his laptop..so i told him i will not say a word i will just listen to his story and so i did but at the back of my mind i already decided to move out of his place he felt it and he asked for a second chance..i gave him a second chance but the trust is not there anymore..very difficult even if i say to him i still do trust him...i can not forget and i think i will never forget what he did in my mind he will still do it specially now he is back in belgium.I dont feel him anymore i am just waiting for him to put an end to our relationship...i dont do break ups..it's better he feels guilty for his entire life rather than i feel the guilt for breaking up with him and regret. I think you should ask him questions that bothers you about the things that happened during his confusion..it will help a bit...if you will ask him it will escalate and can turn into hatred that in time will explode.