Am I delusional thinking we can finally be happy?

[Lovelymisa]

 

Background: I have been with my boyfriend for 2.3 years. We are very serious and have been talking about marriage. The first 1.3 years we were living together in Spain (his country). I moved over there to be with him and I have no friends and family there. I however had my own issues of jealousy, insecurities due to my past that I had to deal with and I basically made him very miserable. I was very controlling and always needed to know where he was at all times. He isolated himself to make me feel better so for this time it was just me and him, no friends, no family, ect. He'll go to work and comes straight home to me. He has always been very loving and understanding, always trying his hardest to help me with my issues. But it wasn't how it should be, I need to help myself. We finally agreed for me to move back to the states to deal with my issues on my own.

 

I left for California on June-10-2009 and we have been doing LDR for 11 months and some days now. He keeps constant contact with me, emails me every single day for the whole duration of our LDR, we skype for 1.5 hours everyday due to our 9 hours time difference. Even with the distance, I would still try to control him. I wouldn't let him go out for drinks after work, or hang out with his friends. I would always pick a fight with him even though all he is going on is a 3 days business trip. I am not a bad person, I am just so scared to lose him. I wanted to make sure my past would not repeat itself and I got carried away. I know that I slowly was pushing him away. Despite him always letting me have my way, I know his resentment towards me were building up more and more everyday.

 

Finally April-08-2010 we got into a huge fight because he started to want to hang out with his friends. Since he has lost all of his friends, the only "friends" he has now are co workers. This time he was determined not to give in to me. The fight was so bad that it ended in him breaking up with me. This is when I realized I am about to lose the love of my life and I did a complete turnaround. I don't know how I did it, but I changed completely..from the worse girlfriend to I can almost say the perfect girlfriend. Too little too late maybe?? I became very understanding, supportive and trusting. I told him to go out with his friends, I want him to be happy and to come home to me. All I wanted was to love him and for him to love me. He could not fathom how I can change like that, he was thinking in his mind that I'm probably just trying for a week or so and I'll resume back to my normal crazy self next week. The next day which was Friday April 9th he went out with his co-workers at 5pm when they got off work, and in the begining of the night he emailed me constantly to assure me everything is fine. Then for the next 20 hours nothing. I didn't hear from him until 3pm Saturday. He told me he was allergic to something during dinner and was in the hospital. He was still too upset with me from our fight the night before that he didn't even think to contact me to let me know. I believed every word.

 

Now every Fridays he starts to stay for drinks after work and then go out to clubs until early Saturday morning. He would call me when he is on his way home and we'd skype until he gets tired and falls asleep...then a repeat on Saturday. The weekdays we skype everyday like normal. It has been like that since April 2010. I know his reason for going out so much now is because he never did in 2 years and he desperately needed to feel like he can.

 

But something changed after the fight we had. He was cold and distant. I guess after 2.3 years of controlling him and pushing him, I finally went too far. April 20th he suggested we take a break, he is too confused and he doesn't know what he wanted. I was devastated. Just as I am perfect now to him, he doesn't think he wants me anymore??? I cried and begged him to not take this break since we both agreed that I would come back to Spain June 2010. He told me he still loves me but he's not sure if he wants me to come back to Spain and he's not sure if he wants to start fresh with me given we have so much negative history. But finally he decided that he still wants me in his life but to not pressure him right now and give him some space for his heart and mind to heal from all the hurt I've caused him in the past. I have never cheated on him but what I did was just as bad I suppose.

 

Now here is the current situation:

 

My boyfriend just came to me and told me that his heart and mind is clear now, he loves me and wants to be with me. He wants me to come back to Spain in June and we shall start fresh and soon have our wedding. But he needs to let me know that he has cheated on me during his "confusion" period. So April 8th was the day I drastically changed after 2.3 years because we had that blowout fight and April 9th was the night he cheated on me with one of his co-worker named Charlotte. That was the night that he first started to go out and also the only night that he didn't contact me for 20 hours claiming he was hospitalized for an allergic reaction. It turns out after the bars and clubs were closed this night, he went to her house and there they had sex. He told me she gave him a BJ and he used a condom with her, but his guilty mind would not allow him to reach orgasm so in the end he didn't cum.

 

Charlotte is a co-worker and is in his groups of friends, so after this night, every weekend when he goes out she was always there. They had sex together only that one night, but for 2 weeks after he tried to get to know her more because she was the complete opposite of me, she was fun, easygoing, party girl whereas i was the jealous insecure innocent girl. Charlotte is social and outgoing jusrt like him. They kissed on many other occasions with tongue and all. He said he had many chances to come back to her house for sex again but he never did. He said he was using her to see if he loves me or not and if he still wanted to be with me. He needed to be with someone else to know if he still wanted me. So their "affair" lasted April-09-2010 until April-24-2010 which was the last day that they kissed. And on May 8th which was 4 days ago was when he told her straight out that he loves his girlfriend (me) and it sickens him to ever think to leave me for someone like her and he made a horrible mistake. She was upset but told him she was fine with that because she was not interested in a relationship with him either. So they are back to being just friends now. She is in his group of friends, so she's always going to be around.

 

He told me his mind is very clear now, he has never cheated on any girl before and he has made the biggest mistake of his life and sadly it was with me that he made this mistake. He told me he wanted me because i was the opposite of him, he realized he didn't want a girl like him. He asked me for my forgiveness, and that he forgives me for the 2.3 years of hell I've put him through. I know I was a horrible girlfriend to him, He never got to be himself around me before, but I never wanted to hurt him on purpose. I was just so scared to lose him, to have him cheat on me and my worse fear in the end came true...possibly because of my fear in the first place is why it came true. I have never cheated on anyone and I am very loyal. He told me there is no more confusion on his part, he wants me, he loves me, period. Now all of the friends, male or females are just friends. If he goes out it is only for enjoying times with friends. When I come back to Spain he said he will introduce me to everyone, including Charlotte. He said he wants to take me everywhere with him, introduce me to everyone, he will love me and kiss me in front of Charlotte he has nothing to hide. He even changed his job for a better one and now he will be working at a new company come June as well, so he would not be seeing these "friends" everyday in work anymore. He said he has been so good to me for the 2.3 years of which I was not good to him, so if we can just flush all of this like a bad nightmare down the toilet and to start fresh. He told me he is 28 now almost 30, he was only confused and made a mistake. He has never cheated before and is not going to start cheating now at 30.

 

I really do believe everything he said, he is a good person and I can say I still trust him as he has never done anything ever to hurt me, made tons of sacrifices for me and i'm sure he wouldn't have cheated on me now had i not pushed him away. I honestly do forgive him as I feel that I've been the one who pushed him slowly to what happened. I do want to go back to Spain June-2010 and start over and to meet his friends... I'll be polite and civil to Charlotte but I will never be friends with someone who can sleep with another person's boyfriend. I don't hate her because I know it takes two to tango and it hurts me so much to think of what happened.

 

Now I really need advice on how to forget. I forgive, but I can't seem to forget. It is a hard pill to swallow. I keep wanting to bring it up, ask more questions (i've already asked many questions and received all the answers i could possibly need) but i'm wanting to ask in details like what happened the night they were intimate...was she a good kisser, did she give a good bj...did she have a nice body...what positions were they in ect... i don't know why I'm wanting to know the details i'm going crazy.

 

I haven't asked him these questions, I won't...but i can't help but think of them alot. To him we are okay, he knows i forgive him, we are moving on and we flushed all of this down the toilet already. But to me, this lingers on inside my mind.........and it hurts.

 

 

Please help..... I am so sorry for the length and thank you so much for taking the time to read about my situation..

[RedDevil66]

WHY on earth have you posted your story on 10 different threads using different subjects?!

[Ronni_W]

Hi misa.

I didn't read your entire post.

 

If you want to be happy, then you also need to make a decision that you are going to do everything within your own power to be as happy as you can possibly be. At present, you are not using your mental faculties/power in a way that supports your happiness. Your own thoughts are hurting you and making you crazy. Put another way, you're victimizing yourself with your thoughts!

 

I would suggest to get back in charge of your thoughts. Consciously train yourself to deliberately interrupt thoughts that will bring upset and replace them with different thoughts. Consistently stay aware of what you're thinking, and change it when you don't like it. Change it when your thoughts are not supporting your feelings of happiness.

 

The change can be anything: Mentally count up to 321 in 13s, and then down in 17s; sing 'Happy Birthday'; make a mental list of things in your life for which you're grateful ...have more fun by listing them alphabetically. Mentally recall the recipe for a really complex dish; create a positive affirmation and just repeat it over, and over, and over.

 

The point is to use your mind differently than has become your "nasty", happiness-eroding habit. Changing thought patterns is challenging at first but with your commitment and dedicated effort you can do it, yes? If you find it too difficult, though, I'd encourage you to seek professional help.

 

You could also acknowledge to yourself that even if you do get answers to these questions that you've been obsessing about, you will still not be satisfied...and you will definitely not be any happier. Knowing this, you can then begin to explore what are the important matters that you are avoiding thinking about.

If you stopped your hurtful, crazy-making, victimizing thoughts then how would you fill that 'space' in your mind...what else would you be "forced" to think about?

 

Finally, if you do not give up this mental behaviour then you will ultimately destroy your relationship. You will become more obsessed, depressed, feel more "hurt" (even though you're doing it to yourself), and all of that will intrude into how you view and treat your partner.

 

You're an adult, so you get to decide if you are going to take charge of your thoughts and you get to choose if you are going to do what it takes to be as happy as you can be. Make wise decisions and choices!

 

Best of luck.