2.5 months on, and i get some info. ...wtf?

[monkeymaid]

effing hell! so today i found out that my ex is in a serious relationship with someone else after our break up a little over 2 months ago. hes definately a rebound, but through the grape vine, i heard way too much. im feeling back at square 1.

 

all of this info is from a friend of hers who i happen to work with and for whatever reason i didnt stop her when she started talking

 

right after the breakup ...so she dated the guy she was flirting with when i left her, found out that he only wanted ass, then serial dated for like 4 weeks till this guy. ...2 weeks later they are in a "serious" relationship and i cannot for the life of me figure out why she verbally and consciously decided to treat him with all of the respect she knowingly withheld in our relationship. she said "i always go in to relationships giving everything, then freak, and pull back. now im going to just give it my all and not hold back. im going to respect him the way i should have every time before"

she said she was going to be single for a while and not be attached, but she clicked with this guy and blah blahblha. ...im pissed, sad, relieved, and anxious all at the same time and keep going in and out of numb.

 

 

i want to cry but they wont come. i ran for 4-5 miles today after i found out, then spent every last red cent in my bank account for no reason.

 

i just got a great job bartending and have no interest in going. i want her to realize what a cunt she was, then try to fix it. ....she has to make it work and shes just replacing the void i filled with a temporary patch, and now he gets to reap all of the ****ing rewards of my labors. ...

 

i am at a loss here. . ...i dont get it. i just dont understand!

[Perhaps]

i feel you. i know what its like to think of the day when she'll realize what a *bad person* she was ... it amazes me that some people can live just fine, ignoring their wrongdoings. it's not a fair world, this one.

 

i don't really have any advice for you.. but i wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately, there is nothing written anywhere, in any constitution or Bill of rights, that says Life Must Be Fair.

 

(Trust me, I've checked. Even the 5.5pt small print.....)

 

It's not the crap that flaps in the fan, it's what we do with it.

 

Don't bring it into the house, put it round the roses.

[Ronni_W]

i am at a loss here. . ...i dont get it. i just dont understand!

From the info you got, it sounds as if your ex has grown a bit and made a decision to be more emotionally open in her romantic relationships. If she's like the rest of us, then she'd want to try out her 'new way of being' in a supportive, non-judgmental, emotionally safe environment. [so] We could guess that this new relationship is offering her what she wants and needs to feel comfortable and confident enough to 'test drive' emotional intimacy.

 

Part of it could be that she just wasn't ready (hadn't grown to the point of being ready) up until now, but it can also be that she just hasn't felt emotionally safe enough up until now.

 

Regardless, it's about her. I wouldn't take it to heart or try to make it about anybody else.

[northstar1]

Sorry for your pain, hearing that kind of info definitely is a punch in the gut. Hopefully your friend spares you any more details down the road.

 

However, keep this in mind: She may say she's intending to break her habit of jumping in full steam, then finding issues and then running, but habits like that are not often broken easily. She's obviously not taken the time to really digest things, healed, spent time on her own and likely understood her own issues. So don't convince yourself that she's suddenly done a 180 because of a new guy. She may very well do the same thing again.

 

Some people just cannot be alone for long, the need attention and validation...........at least until something goes wrong.

 

Keep your head up.

[BentSpine]

I agree with northstar1 above. Best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And this woman seems to underestimate effort needed to replace a bad habit with a better one. Only wanting a change is not enough, one needs an explicit strategy how to act when challenges happen.

[monkeymaid]

i know what you are all saying. ...ive known that for a long itme.

 

I also know that this is new and exciting for her and that she is just rebounding . sort of her way of being able to put her feelings for me onto this guy. ...i was told by the same friend that if i were to show up and just say high, she would be like a deer in the hedlights and would instantly come running. ..that she is in no way over me and is just reaching for something. ...anything.

 

im not sure if i believe that she is just reaching, but i know she has a history of rebounding fast, and pushing down all of her emotions after a breakup to the point where they dont affect her at all, then months later she breaks down and gets all bent out of shape when the emotions resurface. ...she done it close to 20 times (not a typo) ...i was the only bf that wasnt a rebound. ..acatually we got together after 18 months of her being single

 

i want her back but am not sure if it is a territorial response or loneliness or if i just really really miss her. ,,,i do really miss her i am just not sure if thats the only reason.

[monkeymaid]

...and i dont want her to think of herself as a bad person. ..she isnt. i just want her to realize the mistakes she s made and make an effort to change, or fix it. ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what would be the worst thing that could happen if i break nc?? ...i got a new motorcycle and got ripped. ..im down to around10% body fat (from close to 20). i know i could at least attract her back. ...we could never ever in 7 years keep our hands off of eachother evern through bfs and gfs. ...could i just ride up and go get my woman?? or just send a pleasent email?

Edited May 13, 2010 by monkeymaid

[northstar1]

i know what you are all saying. ...ive known that for a long itme.

 

I also know that this is new and exciting for her and that she is just rebounding . sort of her way of being able to put her feelings for me onto this guy. ...i was told by the same friend that if i were to show up and just say high, she would be like a deer in the hedlights and would instantly come running. ..that she is in no way over me and is just reaching for something. ...anything.

 

im not sure if i believe that she is just reaching, but i know she has a history of rebounding fast, and pushing down all of her emotions after a breakup to the point where they dont affect her at all, then months later she breaks down and gets all bent out of shape when the emotions resurface. ...she done it close to 20 times (not a typo) ...i was the only bf that wasnt a rebound. ..acatually we got together after 18 months of her being single

 

i want her back but am not sure if it is a territorial response or loneliness or if i just really really miss her. ,,,i do really miss her i am just not sure if thats the only reason.

 

 

Ofcourse you want her back. However, the reason for that is likely more the Territorial/Reaching response than truly realizing you lost the 'one'.

 

It's natural to want something back you've lost, we covet the things that move away from us, in this case, an ex. And you also, even if you realize the relationship was broken, have an instinct to want to deny anyone else that opportunity with your ex.

 

Look man, I know you miss your ex, I miss mine a lot too, but it also sounds like she has a bad relationship history which is going to keep repeating.

 

Sure, you might be able to get her back, but for how long, and at what cost? She's going to likely pull the same act again down the road.

 

let her go man and find a girl who is emotionally stable.

[ginyi1111]

if you broke up with her and you miss her, what are you still doing here? Go tell her!!!

[monkeymaid]

she decided to flirt with some guy than asked him out on a date. ...she needed validation from men otherwise she thought very little of herself. she knew her problem but did nothing to fix it . ...when i found out she was still talking to the guy she asked out, i broke up with her. ...i cant be the guy thats always there. she wont respect me. ...if its going to work, she has to have respect for me. ...and i need to know that whatever shes trying to give to this guy she will give to me. ....i need a little more security from her to put myself out there again/

[ginyi1111]

did she try to work things out when you broke up with her??

but honestly from a female perspective if she is still playing the field she prob isnt ready to be serious with you....maybe she is just not that into you??

 

how long were you together??

[northstar1]

she decided to flirt with some guy than asked him out on a date. ...she needed validation from men otherwise she thought very little of herself. she knew her problem but did nothing to fix it . ...when i found out she was still talking to the guy she asked out, i broke up with her. ...i cant be the guy thats always there. she wont respect me. ...if its going to work, she has to have respect for me. ...and i need to know that whatever shes trying to give to this guy she will give to me. ....i need a little more security from her to put myself out there again/

 

So, she is insecure and needs external validation from other men, even while in a relatioinship then.

This is not a good thing, and possibly a sign of things to come if you stuck with her.

 

You dodged a bullet mate.

[mickleb]

She is a train wreck. Don't buy another ticket for a ride on this one.

 

Keep healing. You will not regret it.

 

Have faith in yourself. She has offered you none.

 

x

[monkeymaid]

did she try to work things out when you broke up with her??

but honestly from a female perspective if she is still playing the field she prob isnt ready to be serious with you....maybe she is just not that into you??

 

how long were you together??

 

just about 2 years. . ...we where friends for 6 before that though.

 

no, she didnt try to work them out. she just told me i didnt understand

 

2 weeks before i broke up with her, on vday, she yelled at me asking me when i was going to ask her to marry me.

 

 

 

 

 

..from one point of view, i feel like i dodged a huge bullet, and from the other, i keep thinking that if she would just see past what she was doing...

 

well, it took me brekaing up with her to see past it, and now i have to live knowing that i was that stepping stone for her. ...im still at a loss. just completely freaking baffled

[GrayClouds]

You got suck into the swamp and your feeling gross because water is full of slime. But you have to change your perspective, it is not you who is gross it is the slimy swamp.

 

And now I say it in a way that make some sense. Your still thinking that somehow her behavior says something about you, but her behaviors, be it destructive or healthy, is not about you.

 

It is understandable, your still healing, she still means something to you and you desperately want to believe you mean something to her. And if she not saying it in word your trying to interpet her behavior that you do. The sad fact is her behavior is saying something, she is moving on.

 

You need to too. As my first grade teacher would say "keep your eyes on your own paper and you will do just fine". Hang in there and keep the focus on you. Your doing well keep it up.