Am I Crazy???

[Little Britches]

I feel like I am losing my mind. I have had these feelings before, but they are getting to the point that I can't stand it anymore...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 9 1/2 months. We have lived together almost the whole time. Our relationship is great. We have only had a couple of fights in which we actually raised our voices, we have really good communication, respect, understanding, etc., for eachother. We spend almost all of our time together. We are in the same band together. My parents love him and his parents love me.

 

There is a few glitches in this. First of all, he is 11 and 1/2 years older than me. He's 31...do the math. He is also divorced. His ex left him for her boss and is now married to him. My boyfriend is still bothered by this. That's where the problem comes in.

 

I love him very much and would like to get married someday. Of course, I want to finish school first, so it's not like I want to get married tomorrow. He, on the otherhand, wants nothing to do with the subject. He won't say that he never wants to get married, because if he says "never", he thinks it will happen. He says he loves me, if I ask or say it first. He also says that his feelings for me have nothing to do with why he doesn't want to get married. He just thinks that it is pointless and overrated and is happy with just being a boyfriend for the rest of his life. I don't know what to do.

 

It has always been my dream to find that perfect guy and get married. Now that I have found him, that doesn't seem possible. I can't see myself never getting married. I also can't see myself leaving him. I don't know which is worse anymore. I don't want to lose him, but getting married is a huge thing for me...not the ceremony and crap, but the feelings and thoughts and love and trust and caring and giving and everything else that goes along with it. I want to share all of that with someone...preferably him.

 

He also says that if he ever did decide to get married, he would want to do it at the courthouse or Vegas...not only would I not like that, but it would crush my family. My mom told me once that ever since I was born, it has always been my dad's dream to walk me down the isle. My dad and I are very close (daddy's little girl) and I could never take that away from him.

 

I don't know how to handle this anymore. We have tried to talk about it and he says that he understands why it is so hard for me, but he can't give me any advice and doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. In the back of my head, I keep thinking that it is not possible for him to not ever want to get married, but what if it is? Do I give up all of my dreams about it and just be a girlfriend for the rest of my life? Do I move on and try to find someone that is as great as he is but wants to get married? Or, should I give it some time? How much time? Heeellllpppp!!!

 

Oh yeah, thanks for reading this whole thing...I know it was disgustingly long!

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend got greased pretty bad by his ex. If he is as great as you say, I'm sure that whole episode where his wife left him for his boss pretty well devastated him.

 

He obviously hasn't had time to heal from that drama. It could take him another year or two. But I'm sure he'll be ready for marriage at some time in the next few years.

 

Your real problem is that you met him at a time when he is still going through the healing process. I'm not sure if you are a rebound or not. I'm not sure if this is a transitional relationship for him or not. Only you will be able to sense that. But someone like him who was hurt so badly would surely be vulnerable and receptive to a lady like you helping him through his pain. No matter how long ago this occurred, he is still processing the hurt.

 

Any way you slice it, this will be a big gamble for you. Since you are very young, I think you can risk a few years as long as you enjoy being with him. The gamble is, of course, when he will be ready for another marriage committment. Will he get married in a church? Once he heals completely, will he want to continue his relationship with you or move on? Again, only you can speculate on the answers to these.

 

You need to keep him off the subject of his past. You have to be a positive force in his life. Stop discussing marriage, his ex, his past....all of that. Just STOP talking about it entirely. Make life as pleasant for him as possible. Also know that he will be hypersensitive to trust issues so don't even let your eyes wander when you are around him...at least not for now. The poor guy has good reason to be suspicious. He was seriously burned.

 

My feeling is that one day he will come around. If the two of you still have the excellent relationship you do now, I see no reason why he wouldn't marry you. But I think this is a situation you will have to monitor constantly. People in healing or transitional states can change rapidly and often.

 

You have nothing at all to lose by hanging in there with him. Remember, stay away from the subject of his past, stay positive, be happy together and enjoy.

 

To answer you banner question, I don't think you are crazy but I do think you are in love. Well, sometimes I suppose the two go hand in hand.

[Little Britches]

Thanx for the advice Tony. I hope I'm not a rebound or a transition for him...is that still possible when we've lived/been together for this long? Wouldn't he have figured it out by now?

 

About getting married in a church, neither of us are religous, but I would like to and I have no idea about him.

 

One thing that already follows your advice is that I never never never bring up his ex or his past...if that gets brought up, it is by him bashing her once in a while.

 

I will do my best not to talk about the marraige part, but a lot of our friend are getting married soon and his older brother (also divorced)is considering it with his girlfriend...they live together also, have for about 2 years and fight constantly...makes sense doesn't it?!

 

anyway...thanks again~~~Little Britches

Your boyfriend got greased pretty bad by his ex. If he is as great as you say, I'm sure that whole episode where his wife left him for his boss pretty well devastated him. He obviously hasn't had time to heal from that drama. It could take him another year or two. But I'm sure he'll be ready for marriage at some time in the next few years. Your real problem is that you met him at a time when he is still going through the healing process. I'm not sure if you are a rebound or not. I'm not sure if this is a transitional relationship for him or not. Only you will be able to sense that. But someone like him who was hurt so badly would surely be vulnerable and receptive to a lady like you helping him through his pain. No matter how long ago this occurred, he is still processing the hurt. Any way you slice it, this will be a big gamble for you. Since you are very young, I think you can risk a few years as long as you enjoy being with him. The gamble is, of course, when he will be ready for another marriage committment. Will he get married in a church? Once he heals completely, will he want to continue his relationship with you or move on? Again, only you can speculate on the answers to these. You need to keep him off the subject of his past. You have to be a positive force in his life. Stop discussing marriage, his ex, his past....all of that. Just STOP talking about it entirely. Make life as pleasant for him as possible. Also know that he will be hypersensitive to trust issues so don't even let your eyes wander when you are around him...at least not for now. The poor guy has good reason to be suspicious. He was seriously burned. My feeling is that one day he will come around. If the two of you still have the excellent relationship you do now, I see no reason why he wouldn't marry you. But I think this is a situation you will have to monitor constantly. People in healing or transitional states can change rapidly and often. You have nothing at all to lose by hanging in there with him. Remember, stay away from the subject of his past, stay positive, be happy together and enjoy. To answer you banner question, I don't think you are crazy but I do think you are in love. Well, sometimes I suppose the two go hand in hand.

 

[Tony T]

You write: "I hope I'm not a rebound or a transition for him...is that still possible when we've lived/been together for this long? Wouldn't he have figured it out by now?"

 

The relationship may have been going on a long time but it started during his healing process. If a person does not go through all the steps of getting over someone, and gets involved with another person in the middle of that process, there can be a lot of unfinished business.

 

People get into healing relationships totally unconsciously and don't usually understand that's what it is. Basically, when we are in pain, we look for anything to get us out of it. However, this can slow the healing process considerably but it can take away some of the hurt.

 

By your own post, you have indicated he has a lot of trust and marriage issues associated with his previous situation.

 

Don't despair, things will probably come around. On the flip side, at some point you are going to have to make a serious decision because if you hang in there forever, he seems pretty comfortable with that and may avoid the marriage thing. You have some decisions to make in the future.

[Joe]

If this guys so wonderful, why did his wife leave him for another guy?

 

Joe

I feel like I am losing my mind. I have had these feelings before, but they are getting to the point that I can't stand it anymore... My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 9 1/2 months. We have lived together almost the whole time. Our relationship is great. We have only had a couple of fights in which we actually raised our voices, we have really good communication, respect, understanding, etc., for eachother. We spend almost all of our time together. We are in the same band together. My parents love him and his parents love me. There is a few glitches in this. First of all, he is 11 and 1/2 years older than me. He's 31...do the math. He is also divorced. His ex left him for her boss and is now married to him. My boyfriend is still bothered by this. That's where the problem comes in. I love him very much and would like to get married someday. Of course, I want to finish school first, so it's not like I want to get married tomorrow. He, on the otherhand, wants nothing to do with the subject. He won't say that he never wants to get married, because if he says "never", he thinks it will happen. He says he loves me, if I ask or say it first. He also says that his feelings for me have nothing to do with why he doesn't want to get married. He just thinks that it is pointless and overrated and is happy with just being a boyfriend for the rest of his life. I don't know what to do. It has always been my dream to find that perfect guy and get married. Now that I have found him, that doesn't seem possible. I can't see myself never getting married. I also can't see myself leaving him. I don't know which is worse anymore. I don't want to lose him, but getting married is a huge thing for me...not the ceremony and crap, but the feelings and thoughts and love and trust and caring and giving and everything else that goes along with it. I want to share all of that with someone...preferably him. He also says that if he ever did decide to get married, he would want to do it at the courthouse or Vegas...not only would I not like that, but it would crush my family. My mom told me once that ever since I was born, it has always been my dad's dream to walk me down the isle. My dad and I are very close (daddy's little girl) and I could never take that away from him. I don't know how to handle this anymore. We have tried to talk about it and he says that he understands why it is so hard for me, but he can't give me any advice and doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. In the back of my head, I keep thinking that it is not possible for him to not ever want to get married, but what if it is? Do I give up all of my dreams about it and just be a girlfriend for the rest of my life? Do I move on and try to find someone that is as great as he is but wants to get married? Or, should I give it some time? How much time? Heeellllpppp!!! Oh yeah, thanks for reading this whole thing...I know it was disgustingly long!

[Little Britches]

Joe...good question...I think I have a pretty decent answer...from what I have heard from my bf, his family and friends, this woman was completely psycho. She had a pretty screwed up life, both her parents died when she was a kid and she still thought that she could talk to her mom and her mom would talk back! She also had a history of cheating...she had already done it a few times before she finally left. I can see how she could be a little screwed up but some of the stories I've heard (too many to type) are completely nuts! Anyway, that is not the issue here...if it was, people leave people all of the time for a million different reasons. People also change. And, who says every one has the same opinions on what is "wonderful"?!

 

My bf has done some wonderful things for me (as far as I am concerned) To start, I have a chronic illness that as of now, will never go away and there is no cure. It is expensive and time consuming. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed by myself but he is always there helping me up. He deals with a lot concerning that because, coincidentally, his mom has it too.

 

There are a lot of good things that I could tell you about him. The main one is that I love him with everything that I have and I don't want to lose him. I also don't want to never get married. Maybe that is a little selfish, but it is a big deal for me.

 

Anyway, that was probably more of an answer than you needed...sorry! If you have any more ?'s, I will try to answer them without writing a book...if not, do you have any opinions or advice about all of this?

 

Thanx~~~Little Britches

 

If this guys so wonderful, why did his wife leave him for another guy? Joe

[betv]

honey this is not the guy for you. he's been burned and he carries alot of baggage. i know cuz i'm in the same boat he is. i just got out of a 25 yr marriage and NEVER WANT TO BE MARRIED AGAIN! he probably feels the way i do-i never want to be that vulnerable with anyone again.

You write: "I hope I'm not a rebound or a transition for him...is that still possible when we've lived/been together for this long? Wouldn't he have figured it out by now?"

 

The relationship may have been going on a long time but it started during his healing process. If a person does not go through all the steps of getting over someone, and gets involved with another person in the middle of that process, there can be a lot of unfinished business. People get into healing relationships totally unconsciously and don't usually understand that's what it is. Basically, when we are in pain, we look for anything to get us out of it. However, this can slow the healing process considerably but it can take away some of the hurt. By your own post, you have indicated he has a lot of trust and marriage issues associated with his previous situation. Don't despair, things will probably come around. On the flip side, at some point you are going to have to make a serious decision because if you hang in there forever, he seems pretty comfortable with that and may avoid the marriage thing. You have some decisions to make in the future.