Universally Hated

[Marek]

This is now beyond normality. I am now without a doubt the most despised, looked-down-upon person in town. And the thing what really irks me is that these people DO NOT know me. But they've seen me around, they've heard the negative consensus and have simply jumped on the bandwagon by having formed a prejudice view. The number of times I get abused in town when I'm simply by going about my own business is outrageous. It's not just in town; it's everywhere. Everywhere I go I face the same animosity and contempt.

 

But what can I do? I've tried to establish connections with people but only got snubbed, each and every time. I have no more friends; girls wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire; and I'm the source of general derision. My present life, and more than likely my future life, holds as much happiness as a Guantanamo Bay inmate's.

 

Every weekend is the same: I'm at home, all alone, studying. My phone never rings. I never get invited anywhere. I live a life of solitute. But the solitute isn't a choice I've actively made. Solititude has been imposed upon me by a society that actively rejects me.

 

All this is having an effect on my well-being; I'm depressed, anxious, and angry because of the way I'm not only ostracised, but because of the way I'm vehemently humiliated day in, day out.

 

What can I do about all this, however? I need to do something, because I can't go on like this for much longer.

[josie54]

You'll need to give a little more background before anyone here can provide feedback. Usually, if someone is "universally hated" there's a reason, whether deserved or undeserved, to inspire that hatred.

 

And there's no way you're "universally hated," so you need to step back a little and get some perspective on the matter. Look at Adolf Hitler--he was truly evil and even he, unfortunately, isn't "universally hated." Some people have a posters of him on their walls. So, hopefully, you get my point there--if Hitler isn't universally hated, then it stands to reason that you, who are probably a pretty good person, aren't either.

 

So give a little more about your age and background, as well as what lead to the "hatred" you describe, and we might be able to be of more help.

[Marek]

You'll need to give a little more background before anyone here can provide feedback. Usually, if someone is "universally hated" there's a reason, whether deserved or undeserved, to inspire that hatred.

 

And there's no way you're "universally hated," so you need to step back a little and get some perspective on the matter. Look at Adolf Hitler--he was truly evil and even he, unfortunately, isn't "universally hated." Some people have a posters of him on their walls. So, hopefully, you get my point there--if Hitler isn't universally hated, then it stands to reason that you, who are probably a pretty good person, aren't either.

 

So give a little more about your age and background, as well as what lead to the "hatred" you describe, and we might be able to be of more help.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, josie54. Well, I suppose I really should have provided some background information in my first post. I'm a 26-yr-old guy who's a social misfit due to anxiety problems and a general lack of social skills. Two years ago I was in a motorcycle accident which resulted in me being made partially immobile around my torso and hence I'm left with an awkward gait.

 

Due to this awkward gait I'm on the receiving end of never ending abuse. And the few people who actually respond to my small talk, quickly snub me upon the realisation that I can't hold a conversation and the conversation itself become pretty awkard(because I don't have social skills!) Therefore, people put those two things together: Inability to hold a conversation & an awkward gait. "Jeez, there really is something wrong with you, isn't there!" they have said. (Yes, in conversation I have ACTUALLY been told that.)

 

But then again, most people DON'T even bother to talk to me. They see me hobbling along and automatically assume that there's something inherently wrong with me. "Freak", "retard", "queer"... and so forth. I've heard every derogotary name in the book.

 

Do you know how many times I've actually been complimented since the start of this year? Once. Do you know how many times I've been called some derogotary name since the start of the yeah? Well over 100 times.

 

So I'm pretty much excluded and viewed with contempt from the outset. But what can I do about it?

[Ross PK]

Maybe it could just be the area you're living in. Have you ever thought about moving somewhere else?

[D-Lish]

I have started to write something a couple of times and keep starting over because I realized I don't know what to say to something like this...

 

I would never in a million years randomly insult someone that appeared disabled or socially awkward. If I ever heard someone else do it, I'd tear them a new one. I can't imagine where you are living that this backwoods stuff goes on.

[josie54]

I'm with the others, in wondering what kind of town you live in. There are many people in this world who are mean and try to hurt people, but in my experience, most people in this world are generally nice. For many of them, it may just be that they don't know what to do when they're around you, so they walk away.

 

What do you mean by "social skills"? I don't know you, but I will tell you that if someone acted funny around me (perhaps looked at me too long, said something inappropriate, talked too loudly or too long, or did something out of place in the environment I was in), I too would walk away. I wouldn't hate that person. I simply would think something funny was going on and would want to distance myself. So look at it from their point of view as well.

 

If I were to guess, I would say that it's probably your social manner more than your gait that most people are reacting to. This is not to excuse rude behavior and name-calling at all. That's horrible and inexcusable and those people who do that are insecure in themselves and downright mean.

 

But because I believe in the goodness of 99 percent of the people out there (it's the one percent who cause most of the trouble), I'm thinking that you may be lumping people who distance themselves from you (as I described that I might above) with the few who resort to meanness and name calling. Perhaps these people walk away because you don't further the conversation and THEY don't know what else to say. It's likely that THEY feel awkward as well. People don't like awkward...it's their natural tendency to get away from it!

 

I'm just trying to see it from both sides and offer you an alternate interpretation of their behavior. To let you know that I may well be one of those who would react poorly to inappropriate social interactions. And to let you know that I really truly don't think you're hated---just misunderstood.

 

But that doesn't make your situation any easier to bear. How do you approach people? What do you say after "Hello" or "Nice day today"? If you could focus on your social skills you might be able to improve the way people treat you overall.

 

However, if your social interactions ARE appropriate for the situation, then I'm with the other posters....you're living in a screwed up town!

[Lovelybird]

OR this "universally hated" could be only your perspective? Many years ago I was in a foreign country, due to culture shock and solitude, I developed an illution that everyone on the street hated me and even said mean things when I passed by, and they are totally strangers ! Many years later I know that was my illusion, probably at that time I hated everyone on the street, but as a reflection I thought they all hated me. Solitude and loneliness can do funny works on people.

 

I think the root probably has something to do with how do you view yourself. Do you accept yourself? the dynamics with people mostly work like this: when you meet someone, in your mind you image they don't like you, then you appear hostile toward them or uncomfortable around them, then when they sense the hostile from you, they reflect that hostile back to you.

 

So the first thing first, how do you view yourself? If you accept yourself, people would sense that, and they feel if you can accept yourself, then you would accept them as well, then they would feel comfortable around you and want to be with you. All people want to be accepted, all people think they are somehow defected somewhere, not necessarily physically. I believe everyone has treasures in themselves, depends on how you dig them up and use them.

 

Have you ever read The Making of Steel? very inspiring

 

By the way, can you give us details about how people abuse you?

Edited May 15, 2010 by Lovelybird

[turnera]

Why don't you do some research into FIXING your awkward social skills? Join Toastmasters. Sign up for counseling. Take some courses on public speaking or other areas. Do something, instead of just hating your town.

[Taramere]

Due to this awkward gait I'm on the receiving end of never ending abuse. And the few people who actually respond to my small talk, quickly snub me upon the realisation that I can't hold a conversation and the conversation itself become pretty awkard(because I don't have social skills!) Therefore, people put those two things together: Inability to hold a conversation & an awkward gait. "Jeez, there really is something wrong with you, isn't there!" they have said. (Yes, in conversation I have ACTUALLY been told that.)

 

I think if you look at that objectively, you'll see that the people who are saying things like that to you are the ones who lack social skills. The comments you're describing are what I'd expect an extremely poorly socialised 5 year old to come out with. If this is what you're up against on a regular basis, however, then obviously you're going to have to develop some strategies for dealing with it - the ultimate aim being to get back your self respect and social confidence, despite exposure to people who seem set on discouraging you from having any.

 

After you had your accident, did the hospital provide any kind of rehabilitation to help you adjust to the changes in your body? You might talk to your doctor a bit ore about some of the social problems you're dealing with, explain that it's having a seriously negative impact on you psychologically and ask if there's a counselling and support group they could refer you to. It might not be the kind of socialising that you have in mind for yourself...but something like that could be a good start in helping to build up your confidence to deal with the kind of people and situations you're having problems with.

 

If you have a moment, please watch this clip. I remember watching the documentary and being quite astounded by how ahead of his time the surgeon Archibald McIndoe was.

 

 

If you can get hold of a copy of the complete documentary "The Guinea Pig Club" it's worth watching. It's about the rehabilitative work of Archibald McIndoe. He was a very famous burns surgeon. Burns are, of course, a different physical issue to the one you're suffering. However, the common thread is that these men Archibald McIndoe worked with were having to go out into the community and deal with other people's responses to them.

 

Although I recall the documentary saying that most people in the community were extremely supportive, apparently there were some who would react to the burned men with shock and disgust. Here's the bit I really remember about the documentary. McIndoe focused on training them (and I think they practised in role play situations) to learn how to ignore the unpleasant response completely. Not to ignore the person, but to ignore the more ignorant aspects of their response to the disfigurement.

 

So for example, in accordance with that kind of thinking, McIndoe might advise you that if someone were to say to you "wow, there really is something wrong with you, isn't there?" you would ignore the rudeness and respond to the question. Perhaps something along the lines of "I was in a serious accident a couple of years ago, and it was bad enough to have a permanent impact. I'm not sure if that answers your question?"

 

McIndoe wanted these badly burned men to go out into the community carrying an attitude that their disfigurements would not hinder their social interactions with other people. To learn to look others in the eye in a confident and friendly manner, even if others had problems looking back.

 

The fact that these men were war heroes would have helped them in getting a respectful response from the community...but I also think that the support they gave eachother was invaluable. Which is why I'd urge you to go back to the hospital that treated you after your accident, and say that you would like to be involved in any support groups they have for people in a similar situation.

[SarahRose]

I had a friend who had a problem similar to yours. He had bad social phobia.

 

He would complain that he was hated and people who make fun of him and called him hippie and jesus and thought he was homeless.

 

It turns out most of the people making fun of him were teenagers and as I told him, who cares what they think as they don't think at all.

 

The problem was his huge victim poor me attitude. He also brought this on himself by refusing to keep clean, get hair cuts and shave, and wear decent clean clothes.

 

For someone who didn't want to call attention to himself he sure was with the long hair dirty hobo beard and raggedy clothes.

 

Anyway finally he changed his ways and cleaned up his act and now nobody makes fun of him anymore.

[lino]

Two years ago I was in a motorcycle accident which resulted in me being made partially immobile around my torso and hence I'm left with an awkward gait.

 

Due to this awkward gait I'm on the receiving end of never ending abuse.

 

 

That's very harsh of people to be like that. Not much class there.

 

 

I can't offer much advice about your physical condition but I would imagine that if you want to make some friends then you should get involved in something(s) you like and meet people there.

 

Other than at school, uni and through family, I made most of my friends from past sports teams I was involved in. Through those friends I met others, etc

 

How about where you work?

I met my 2 best friends when I was doing my apprenticeship many years back.

[pureinheart]

I have started to write something a couple of times and keep starting over because I realized I don't know what to say to something like this...

 

I would never in a million years randomly insult someone that appeared disabled or socially awkward. If I ever heard someone else do it, I'd tear them a new one. I can't imagine where you are living that this backwoods stuff goes on.

 

There is a lot of cruel people in this world...although there are more that are cool like DL .

 

People fear what they don't understand and you may live in an area where fear is running rampant. Moving may not be that easy either as funds may not be there, also help.

 

I know the OP is not exaggerating as you could be perceived as being vulneralble/target...I say this because I have no visible disabilities, although have severasl physical ones...the people at work who knew about them perceived me as being weak even though I hid them well. I went into a different department and worked in several different areas...I commented that I liked this because it's harder to hit a moving target. They finally managed to become abusive...I left.

 

Also sometimes I notice that everyone is just in a bad mood and has bad spirits on them bigtime...

 

Hey, we don't hate you , so you are not hated everywhere ...my thoughts and prayers are with you...

[You'reasian]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, josie54. Well, I suppose I really should have provided some background information in my first post. I'm a 26-yr-old guy who's a social misfit due to anxiety problems and a general lack of social skills. Two years ago I was in a motorcycle accident which resulted in me being made partially immobile around my torso and hence I'm left with an awkward gait.

 

Due to this awkward gait I'm on the receiving end of never ending abuse. And the few people who actually respond to my small talk, quickly snub me upon the realisation that I can't hold a conversation and the conversation itself become pretty awkard(because I don't have social skills!) Therefore, people put those two things together: Inability to hold a conversation & an awkward gait. "Jeez, there really is something wrong with you, isn't there!" they have said. (Yes, in conversation I have ACTUALLY been told that.)

 

But then again, most people DON'T even bother to talk to me. They see me hobbling along and automatically assume that there's something inherently wrong with me. "Freak", "retard", "queer"... and so forth. I've heard every derogotary name in the book.

 

Do you know how many times I've actually been complimented since the start of this year? Once. Do you know how many times I've been called some derogotary name since the start of the yeah? Well over 100 times.

 

So I'm pretty much excluded and viewed with contempt from the outset. But what can I do about it?

 

Truth be told, I have an akward gait as well, Marek but it hasn't stopped me from doing things like run an ultra marathon 50 kilometer run. Sure people laugh at my gait, but my running buddies don't mind when we round the trail corner during a quick 7 mile workout.

 

My social skills suck too, so I completely understand - somehow I'm able to get my point across though by using simple conversational openers and active listening.

 

Hey Marek, tell me about active listening?

[Green]

Some of it is in your head. No one is sitting around thinking how much they hate you. It is very rude if people make fun of you for the way you walk. Don't let it get to you.

[carhill]

Every weekend is the same: I'm at home, all alone, studying. My phone never rings. I never get invited anywhere. I live a life of solitute. But the solitute isn't a choice I've actively made. Solitude has been imposed upon me by a society that actively rejects me.

 

My sympathies. This sounds a lot like my 20's and early 30's. Depression and isolation. Creeping paranoia. It wasn't reality, rather my perception of it. I broke the cycle by 'joining'. I joined some volunteer organizations and ultimately ended up in Africa a few years later, which created an interest and curiosity about the world and travel. Things became far better and the paranoia went away. Still no wonderful memories on the romantic front (a failed marriage since) but life is good. It's what you make of it. Good luck

[jean-luc sisko]

OP, I think finding means to cope with the situation is key.

 

OK, so these people don't like you. Don't go in areas where they congregate. If this means shopping in another town, so be it.

[Ross PK]

OP, I think finding means to cope with the situation is key.

 

OK, so these people don't like you. Don't go in areas where they congregate. If this means shopping in another town, so be it.

 

I totally agree.

[jean-luc sisko]

and OP, sometimes things happen for no apparent reason.

 

Life is largely about luck and being in the right place at the right time. I think in this case, you must be doing something to trigger this hatred/contempt. It could be how you look, or you may give the people a vibe that makes them detest and despise you.

 

I would look hard at how you present yourself, and ask others for guidance in how you come across.

 

Other than that, I cannot think of any other advice.

[marsle85]

Why does everyone hate you? I have a feeling you think it's worse than it really is.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm depressed, anxious, and angry

 

And therein lies the problem. It is a vicious cycle: you are feeling anger inside, and you project it (probably without realizing it), people pick up on that and reflect it back, making you feel more anger, and so on and so on.

 

Being in a life changing and/or body changing accident like that can create a seed of anger and frustration all on its own. There may be something inside you that you haven't even tapped yet that would help you tremendously if you could get inside there and untangle it.

 

Point A is where you are now.

Point B is resolving your internal issues.

Point C is a healthy social life.

 

You are frustrated trying to get from Point A to Point C without bridging the gap with Point B.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A social worker, therapist or what not? If money is an issue, contact your local Social Services office, or ask the doctors who treat you for a referral to talk to someone. They see this more often than not.

 

I had a similar problem after my own life/body changing experience, and trust me - getting to the bottom of it was what it took for me to be able to move on and function with others. The hatred/uncomfort/etc. that I thought others were feeling largely came from inside myself and I was projecting it onto others. That projection itself is what made people 'look away' so to speak.

 

Yes, your body is different. Yes, some people will stare and make comments. That is just a fact of life for people whose bodies are different now. It isn't until you learn to accept it and make the best of it you can that others will pick up on that positive attitude and begin to look past it and accept you like you have accepted yourself. It won't be easy. It was a struggle for me, and it took a long time to be OK with the cards I've been dealt, but I'm getting there and it is a lot better than before. It can happen for you too. It just takes time, work and effort. I'm not going to blow 'feel good' smoke up your arse and tell you that everything will go back to normal - but I can tell you that you can form a new normal that you and by extension, others will accept.

 

Please consider making a call. Your life can get back on track, but you have to take that first step yourself. No one else out there can do it for you, or provide what it is you really need: to come to terms with yourself.

Edited May 24, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[pureinheart]

And therein lies the problem. It is a vicious cycle: you are feeling anger inside, and you project it (probably without realizing it), people pick up on that and reflect it back, making you feel more anger, and so on and so on.

 

Being in a life changing and/or body changing accident like that can create a seed of anger and frustration all on its own. There may be something inside you that you haven't even tapped yet that would help you tremendously if you could get inside there and untangle it.

 

Point A is where you are now.

Point B is resolving your internal issues.

Point C is a healthy social life.

 

You are frustrated trying to get from Point A to Point C without bridging the gap with Point B.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A social worker, therapist or what not? If money is an issue, contact your local Social Services office, or ask the doctors who treat you for a referral to talk to someone. They see this more often than not.

 

I had a similar problem after my own life/body changing experience, and trust me - getting to the bottom of it was what it took for me to be able to move on and function with others. The hatred/uncomfort/etc. that I thought others were feeling largely came from inside myself and I was projecting it onto others. That projection itself is what made people 'look away' so to speak.

 

Yes, your body is different. Yes, some people will stare and make comments. That is just a fact of life for people whose bodies are different now. It isn't until you learn to accept it and make the best of it you can that others will pick up on that positive attitude and begin to look past it and accept you like you have accepted yourself. It won't be easy. It was a struggle for me, and it took a long time to be OK with the cards I've been dealt, but I'm getting there and it is a lot better than before. It can happen for you too. It just takes time, work and effort. I'm not going to blow 'feel good' smoke up your arse and tell you that everything will go back to normal - but I can tell you that you can form a new normal that you and by extension, others will accept.

 

Please consider making a call. Your life can get back on track, but you have to take that first step yourself. No one else out there can do it for you, or provide what it is you really need: to come to terms with yourself.

 

This is great LB...and if you follow this advice and people still are jacked up to you...guess what this advice is a win/win deal...because afterwards you won't care what anyone thinks of you...because you are ok with you

[brokenblade]

This is now beyond normality. I am now without a doubt the most despised, looked-down-upon person in town. And the thing what really irks me is that these people DO NOT know me. But they've seen me around, they've heard the negative consensus and have simply jumped on the bandwagon by having formed a prejudice view. The number of times I get abused in town when I'm simply by going about my own business is outrageous. It's not just in town; it's everywhere. Everywhere I go I face the same animosity and contempt.

 

But what can I do? I've tried to establish connections with people but only got snubbed, each and every time. I have no more friends; girls wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire; and I'm the source of general derision. My present life, and more than likely my future life, holds as much happiness as a Guantanamo Bay inmate's.

 

Every weekend is the same: I'm at home, all alone, studying. My phone never rings. I never get invited anywhere. I live a life of solitute. But the solitute isn't a choice I've actively made. Solititude has been imposed upon me by a society that actively rejects me.

 

All this is having an effect on my well-being; I'm depressed, anxious, and angry because of the way I'm not only ostracised, but because of the way I'm vehemently humiliated day in, day out.

 

What can I do about all this, however? I need to do something, because I can't go on like this for much longer.

 

It may not be just you, people are generally hateful and neurotic. I face the same type of treatment everyday. (Fortunately I do have friends) I've learned that I am going to have to care for myself because you can't expect others to care for you.

 

The town I live in, I'm pretty much considered a public enemy. I'm followed around, threatened.

 

One thing I would suggest is to take into consideration what kind of clothes you wear (don't take me the wrong way, I'm saying this to myself as well). I notice that I wear a lot of dark clothes and "gang" colors. I observed myself one time as I walk into view on mirrors. (I am very insightful on the social psyche) I find myself to be rather scary looking and "ugly" (ungraceful) in overall appearance. I tried lighter colors and the overall treatment of me has improved. Another possibility people kept messing with me was I often look weak. (I'm always picked on when I am feeling like crap whenever I get picked on)

 

Another thing I would suggest is to try to adopt a more "assertive" independent or aggressive body language. A lot of times people are crappy towards you because they can be. Some people have this subconscious "how far can I go" mentality and it seems like they will just mess with you just to mess with you. If you put your foot down and make it known to them that you don't appreciate being treated like crap, then usually they will back off and be a little nicer to you.

 

This is the sad fact, a lot of people in society are like dogs that need to be trained.

 

[brokenblade]

I'm with the others, in wondering what kind of town you live in. There are many people in this world who are mean and try to hurt people, but in my experience, most people in this world are generally nice. For many of them, it may just be that they don't know what to do when they're around you, so they walk away.

 

What do you mean by "social skills"? I don't know you, but I will tell you that if someone acted funny around me (perhaps looked at me too long, said something inappropriate, talked too loudly or too long, or did something out of place in the environment I was in), I too would walk away. I wouldn't hate that person. I simply would think something funny was going on and would want to distance myself. So look at it from their point of view as well.

 

If I were to guess, I would say that it's probably your social manner more than your gait that most people are reacting to. This is not to excuse rude behavior and name-calling at all. That's horrible and inexcusable and those people who do that are insecure in themselves and downright mean.

 

But because I believe in the goodness of 99 percent of the people out there (it's the one percent who cause most of the trouble), I'm thinking that you may be lumping people who distance themselves from you (as I described that I might above) with the few who resort to meanness and name calling. Perhaps these people walk away because you don't further the conversation and THEY don't know what else to say. It's likely that THEY feel awkward as well. People don't like awkward...it's their natural tendency to get away from it!

 

I'm just trying to see it from both sides and offer you an alternate interpretation of their behavior. To let you know that I may well be one of those who would react poorly to inappropriate social interactions. And to let you know that I really truly don't think you're hated---just misunderstood.

 

But that doesn't make your situation any easier to bear. How do you approach people? What do you say after "Hello" or "Nice day today"? If you could focus on your social skills you might be able to improve the way people treat you overall.

 

However, if your social interactions ARE appropriate for the situation, then I'm with the other posters....you're living in a screwed up town!

 

Sounds like he's living in the state of Arizona.