Not quite sure where I lay in this situation.

[The Renegade]

This will be a pretty long post because I need to get out as much of the situation as I can so an answer will be worth reading.

 

I'm 20 years old, the girl I like is 19 years old. We went to school about 2 years ago for a year and we had a few classes together, one of which she sat directly besides me. We talked everyday and she was always "giggily" near me. From the first moment I laid eyes on her I knew she would be the one .She at the time was with her bf whom until last december were living together for four years. I was living in New Mexico at the time and I moved away after that school year to Texas. Before I left she gave me a picture of her in just about the most perfect pose. I contacted her about 2 years later and we talked, I told her I liked her in school and thought she was beautiful. She told me she would have cryed her eyes out everyday had she not been stoned because I was so mean to her ( I had no idea I always thought I was just playful? ). She also told me she might be pregnant and I forget how but we stopped talking after that. Float back to now being another 2 years later. I got in contact with her and we've been texting for about 2 months now, having sent over 3000 texts to each other. After telling her I still have feelings for her she said she just wants a friend now, which I understand since 4years of living together is a big deal. We talked everyday, always said goodnight sweet dreams and good morning have a good day. Even though she said she wanted a friend right now it did not stop me from telling her my feelings for her. She has been a little flirtacious in her texts to me so I figured deep down there was a feeling for me in her. She has sent me about 7 pictures and I've sent her a couple. She has told me I have a great personality. She has been telling me how she wants 4 kids and she wants to be a mom pretty soon, I told her that sounds good and how I also felt emotionally ready for kids. She has told me that it's weird that I "guessed" almost everything she loves to do during sex and how I guessed she wanted her left arm tattooed, and a few other things. I personally don't believe in coincidences because to me I knew what she wanted. Month 1 was pretty rough for me cause she was still seeing her ex but was having bad feelings about him and she would nearly be crying every weekend over him. I of course was there to pick her back up and tell her life doesn't want her to be with someone like that cause he is just a waste of her time. A few weeks go by and she tells me that they are officially done and that weekend me and her talked more than we have ever done before. That sunday night she was telling me how she was lonely and bored at home and I told her I was sorry I could not help her from where I'm at. To me when a girl says she is bored/lonely at this age it usually means I want sex. So wI told her that and how I figured she would go findsomeone, she pretty much got pissed off. 5 days have gone by and she has barely talked to me and all I keep doing is telling her how I have such strong feelings for her. I asked her one morning if we could finish talking about this problem later cause I believe talking is better than just ignoring the problem. She said " Well I don't think it will work because I don't really have the same feelings as you do, at least not right now ". I've told her everyday that i'm sorry for how I treated her and I feel so guilty about it. In fact I was so guilty within 12 hours yesterday I had 3 dreams with her in it. The first she ignored me completely and I never heard from her again, which made me wake up in sweats and feel like I was dying. The next happend an hour later with me and her being in a math class and she walked in and ignored me for a bit but everytime I glanced over she would take a look at me. The next time I looked over her desk was right by mine. The last dream happend again, an hour or more after with the same situation except this time when she came in the room I called her name and she looked at me and said " It's ok for you to be mad at me but I can't be mad at you?" with a kind of angry yet still friendly way. When I woke up from that I told her how I had 3 dreams in less than 12hours and what happend. I told her it made me realize how important her feelings are to me and how I felt so guilty. I told her I would do anything to fix what I did. Yesterday I told her how since talking to her I've : stopped drinking soda's completely, I run 2-3times a week, I stopped playing my video games completely, and I sleep better. Later that day she said the song " EAt you Alive" by Limp Bizkit reminds me of how I am to her. I asked if that was bad and she replied " Idk seems kinda whiney ". I told her I am not trying to come off as whiney. She said " At this point I'm kinda annoyed ". I said " Thanks for taking a stab at my feelings, feels great ", to which she replied " Yeah I know right isnt it amazing? Just like how you slammed my feelings, now we're in the same shoes ". I told her I wasn't trying to slam her feelings. I told her she makes me feel like I want to die already to which she replied " Then stop talking to me, you're doing this to yourself not me ". I told her that there's no way she is this cold, that's not the person I met at school, I also said even if she doesn't respond I'm going to tell her goodnight and good morning everyday. I told her no matter how deep her feeling for me is I'm going to dig it out cause I know it's there. I've gotten a million signs since we talked that I need to keep pursuing her. She told me goodnight so I mean she can't be all mad or else she would have not talked to me. It's been 5 days since I made her mad, I know it's going to last longer and I understand because I ****ed up and made her feel terrible, so it's only fair she does the same to me. My only question is do I just give her space and hope she see's that I am right, or do I keep trying to talk to her everyday and try to solve the problem? She is the only person I've ever laid eyes on that made me feel like I could grow old and have kids with and not be scared one step of the way. I've been to over 10 schools and 4 different states, I've been around just about every "type" of person, not one has made me feel even remotely close. Have I ****ed up so bad I will forever remain in the friend zone? If so it's going to feel like hell having these feelings and realizing I will never be able to pursue them. She is seriously the most fantastic person I've met and I deep down feel like it can work, I just need to scratch away all the ice from her heart that her last boyfriend made.

Edited May 14, 2010 by The Renegade

[Cracker Jack]

Yeah, I feel sorry for you. Honestly, what you said wasn't even THAT big of a deal. Certainly not enough for her to be acting all pissy about it. I just kinda feel she's using that against you to sorta brush you off, since she doesn't share your feelings, though I could be wrong. I also feel that your constant apologies aren't necessary for this situation. You made it clear how you felt, and she's saying things like "Stop talking to me if you don't like it", or "It's whiny and annoying", which doesn't say a lot about her.

 

She knows how strongly you feel for her, and she's using it against you to make you feel bad when she doesn't feel good about herself. I think the situation is unhealthy, overall. You probably should just stop talking to her, but I understand how that step in particular could be too drastic for you at the moment.

 

So, for the time being, just give her space and let her text you when she wants talk. You don't deserve to be treated like your feelings don't matter, man. It really is unnecessary. Sorry you're going through what I had to go through, even though the situation differs somewhat.

[The Renegade]

Thanks for your response. Yeah it's hard but I've been feeling it is what I have to do. Sucks pretty bad cause she is such an awesome person, emotionally she is a wreck right now.

[Cracker Jack]

No prob. Yeah, I know what you mean. My former best (Girl) friend and I were in a similiar situation. She just grew real cold towards me because I confronted her about a blatant lie on her part--and she was sad when I did it, but then she just began to resent me. Her entire attitude changed towards me, and I realized that our friendship/relationship was pretty much done.

 

When girls are an emotional wreck, it's nice to be there for them, but sometimes it simply backfires, for some dumb reason. Keep us updated if anything takes place, bud. Hope things get better for you.