The market for 45-year old men

[stepka]

They say they can not believe that I won't let them set me up and that I am such a good catch. But I just have this theory that if it is meant to be, it will. I don't need someone to force someone on me. And I sure don't want to appear desperate.

 

Just because you are 45, doesn't mean you are washed up!

 

Another thought: if you needed a job, would you just sit and wait for it to come to you, for fear of looking desperate? What is desperate about your very human need for a relationship?

[D-Lish]

Here's what Ive learned. There are plenty of women in that age range but the quality ones will not date sperated men. They are leary and think they are emotionally unavailable. So, while I get alot of interest, as soon as I tell them I'm seperated, things change a bit.

 

Can't wait to get this D done.

 

I must admit that I shy away from dating men that aren't divorced yet. Mostly because I know from being divorced, that I was a little messy during that time in my own life.

 

I also once dated a separated man with kids. He seemed pretty cool at first, but his ex-wife and mother of his kids was always present in our relationship. The first time I met her the guy and I had a dinner date planned at his house - and the ex-wife "showed up" to preview me. She had a glass of wine with me and interviewed me. I understand she wanted to know who was going to be around her kids, and I just went with the flow- but ultimately it was too much baggage for me. I haven't date a man with kids since.

 

We'd be out to dinner and the phone would ring constantly- it was the ex checking in with parenting questions. It drove me crazy. They got along so well I had to wonder why they ever got divorced.

[Woggle]

I actually don't blame women for not dating a seperated man. If I were a woman I would not date one until the divorce was official as well. Too many stretch the definition of what seperated really means and before she knows it she is the OW.

[Gunny376]

My rule is one year minimum after the ink is dried on the dotted line preferably two after a phone calll to the x if there are still children involved.

[stepka]

I actually don't blame women for not dating a seperated man. If I were a woman I would not date one until the divorce was official as well. Too many stretch the definition of what seperated really means and before she knows it she is the OW.

 

True, I dated a man once who said he was separated, but it turned out that his idea of separation was separate bedrooms in the same house with his wife. If you're having to lie to someone, you're not datable.

 

Gunny, what about length of separation? What if someone just got divorced but was separated for over a year? My point is, too many variables. As for kids, that varies too--I hardly ever bother my stbxh with stuff about the girls. I save up all my questions and I've never met his new love. Some people are control freaks and some are more relaxed, and that really makes a diff.

[trippi1432]

True, I dated a man once who said he was separated, but it turned out that his idea of separation was separate bedrooms in the same house with his wife. If you're having to lie to someone, you're not datable.

 

Gunny, what about length of separation? What if someone just got divorced but was separated for over a year? My point is, too many variables. As for kids, that varies too--I hardly ever bother my stbxh with stuff about the girls. I save up all my questions and I've never met his new love. Some people are control freaks and some are more relaxed, and that really makes a diff.

 

Since we are trading some funny ha - ha dating moments, my worst was the one that showed up in a rental car to impress me...next time showed up in a rusted out pick up (which the car didn't matter to me, it was his lack of self-esteem that mattered). Next he proceeded to parade my daughter and I through the line at Walmart (as he was cooking out for us), the line happened to be his step-daughter's line. Five minutes after getting to his house, his estranged wife of three weeks shows up screaming at me in front of my child and accusing me of being a whore. Thank God no Jerry Springer moments, but I did politely ask her to quit calling me names over something I was not aware of.

 

For you guys on the market, don't parade your "date" in your ex's face when the iron is hot....you and your ex are not the only variables in the picture.

[stepka]

Since we are trading some funny ha - ha dating moments, my worst was the one that showed up in a rental car to impress me...next time showed up in a rusted out pick up (which the car didn't matter to me, it was his lack of self-esteem that mattered). Next he proceeded to parade my daughter and I through the line at Walmart (as he was cooking out for us), the line happened to be his step-daughter's line. Five minutes after getting to his house, his estranged wife of three weeks shows up screaming at me in front of my child and accusing me of being a whore. Thank God no Jerry Springer moments, but I did politely ask her to quit calling me names over something I was not aware of.

 

For you guys on the market, don't parade your "date" in your ex's face when the iron is hot....you and your ex are not the only variables in the picture.

Yikes, that guy was just crass. 3 weeks! Yikes.

[trippi1432]

Yikes, that guy was just crass. 3 weeks! Yikes.

 

 

Tell me about it...but I have known worse.

[You Go Girl]

I think the biggest thing we have to be wary of in ourselves is desperado thinking.

Don't date the first breathing thing that comes along, thinking with low self-esteem that that is the only option, and any attention is better than none.

Don't sell yourself short. You know your standards. Abide by them from the beginning, or risk having to dump someone or end up in a situation in which you compromised yourself.

We feel beaten down when we leave a LTR, or are left, doesn't matter which, as some of us were left, and some of us felt we had to leave, but are still heart broken.

That beaten down feeling shows up in selling ourselves short. Some panic mode of 'must know that I am still desired and not a freak'.

It leads to mismatched choices in partners, horrible choices in partners, totally inappropriate choices in partners.

[trippi1432]

YGG - good lessons, the thing is....even years out, you still can make a wrong decision for yourself or even for them. There is no magic formula for getting it right or even standard to set to get it right by. The trick is making it work after the two become an us if it ever goes that far.

 

I've known women right now who have been divorced for 10 years or more, they date but would never "settle down" again. Then again, I've seen WAS who take right up with another woman or man and stay married for years because they finally found the right partner...and it's possible to be married to the wrong one and not even realize it.

 

My mother, single for 5 days when her high school sweetheart left his job, his cheating wife and declared that he wasn't going to lose her again. They just celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary last month. Same thing for my dad, he met the right woman...within days of telling his second wife that he was leaving and moving into a friend's house. He didn't expect that, wasn't even looking....didn't even have time to be lonely, but they just celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary in February.

 

I guess we can all run around kicking a lot of tires, but we can also respect ourselves in the process, but I do agree....don't just settle...when the right person comes along, you will know it.

 

So, yes....you don't have to date the first living-breathing thing that comes along, not because you will make a wrong choice, but because you have baggage and need to clean out YOUR closet. For some, that's is easier said than done. But don't set unrealistic expectations because you are hurt either. I was explaining to a friend of mine earlier, what I saw in my STBX was potential, the potential to be a good man. He does have this...but I was the wrong person to have it with...I know, it sounds backwards...it is. But had it not been for our 15 year relationship, I wouldn't have my son and he wouldn't have met the perfect woman for him. I can't be anymore honest than that...sometimes things happen for a reason that we cannot explain why...maybe it is just supposed to be that way.

Edited May 23, 2010 by trippi1432
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[trippi1432]

Ok...since we are talking about the market for 45-year old men, I came across one of the most hilarious books at the bookstore the other day. It's called How to spot a B**TARD by his star sign. (Sorry Guys, but I couldn't help but share...I'm sure there is a book out there on how to spot a psycho, neurotic woman by her star sign too.....just to be fair.)

 

I'm serious....I looked up my ex's star sign and couldn't stop laughing...and I have not been laughing very much these days....been pretty depressed. This book was so spot on, I related to his star sign on every level....including the part where it's time to marry them when they can remember their kid's names....LOL!!! Wish I could have found this book 15 years ago...LOL!!

[DadofTwoGirls]

Can one really put a time frame as when to date?..whether separated, going through divorce or are already divorced?..It seems to me you would just know in your heart that you are ready, especially after you've learned about yourself healing from a heartbreak...but I guess you also have to throw in the reason you are dating..physical need, loneliness, curiosity, just to name a few..or the best reason (to me)..it just happens without any underlying reason to someone you know or never knew.

[trippi1432]

Can one really put a time frame as when to date?..whether separated, going through divorce or are already divorced?..It seems to me you would just know in your heart that you are ready, especially after you've learned about yourself healing from a heartbreak...but I guess you also have to throw in the reason you are dating..physical need, loneliness, curiosity, just to name a few..or the best reason (to me)..it just happens without any underlying reason to someone you know or never knew.

 

I know that there are some that have a timeframe for it..one year for however many years you were married, but there's varying degrees of it I think.

 

There are many on here on LS that I'm sure can give some advice....some who wait it out and learn about themselves, some who charge right back in and make it it, some who don't. The fact is, whichever one you pick....you just have to remember to work on you.

[DadofTwoGirls]

One year for every year of marriage...hmmm..I couldn't wait 17 yrs to date:eek:

[You Go Girl]

One year for every year of marriage...hmmm..I couldn't wait 17 yrs to date:eek:

 

lol

totally get that. I'm 46. Time's a wastin'.

 

Why not date as soon as you feel you want to? There's an emotional rollercoaster in starting a new relationship though, never forget that. The strength of those new feelings for a new person can be alarming. Have to be careful of past triggers that set off trust issues. Baggage. It doesn't disappear. We have to learn how to work with it.

 

Trippi--agree on all you wrote. Very surprising though that some meet somebody right away, and stay for decades. That's amazing.

[stepka]

One year for every year of marriage...hmmm..I couldn't wait 17 yrs to date:eek:

 

Or 23. How about one month for every year you were married? That would be about right for me and time's a wastin' here too. 51 hurt even worse than 50 did.

[trippi1432]

Or 23. How about one month for every year you were married? That would be about right for me and time's a wastin' here too. 51 hurt even worse than 50 did.

 

No, it's on here somewhere....Gunny, Tojaz or 2.5 Gallon can probably tell you, but it's something like 1 year for every 3 or 5 years you were married. So, for me, 15 year relationship....could be 3 to 5 years before I would be ready for another one.

 

Then again, I could always cheat the timing since we were only married for 3 years and say 6 months to a year. :laugh::laugh:

 

It really all depends on how important the relationship was to you and how quickly you learn about yourself. Other contributing factors too are how mature you are, are you selfish or self-less....a combination of both is typically a better measurement than being only one or the other. There is nothing that is ever going to guarantee that the next relationship will be better or worse....you get out of it, what you put in it.

 

Maybe that's not the right way to look at it OP, but I'm 9 months into my separation (longer than that if I count that he left the first time in July)...divorce will be official in September. I'm a lot pickier and critical of guys who try to pick me up....a woman pretty much knows when a guy isn't into her and will go the other direction. And maybe it's because I'm not interested in the 8-minute date venues like my friends are....LOL!

[Gunny376]

No its all relative to how long you've been married, and to what @szzhat you were married to.

 

Some? It will take years upon years. Queen Victoria mourned the death of Prince Albert for thirty years. After his death she never wore anything other than black.

 

For others? Its "Thank God and Greyhound He/She's gone!"

 

In 2010 there are a number of variables that come into play ~ mostly financial.

 

Child support, alimony, mortgages, leases, car payments, transportation (just for the children) day care, braces, dental and medical expenses. Its not about how long you've been married its about what in tha' hell am I going to do with these children, their wants, their needs, these expenses, after school activities.

 

These are problems most women have to deal with? Men? Where can I find my next POA?

 

In so far as how long it takes to get over the X emotionally? The minute the SOB walks out the door! You've just got dumped with a World of Hurt on your @zz, but the fact of the matter is? You've got to figure out how to come up with next month's rent? How to keep the lights on, how to keep some grocries in the house.

 

For women? Man walks out on you? All it means is you've got to find yourself another man! If your a man? Same deal.

 

Even if you've got children by another man. Not to say I'm going to put up with some crack head in my house ~ not some crank-head (Crystal-Meth)

 

And if your over 18 you better have a job, or going to some kind of college, or training or enlisting into the military! Or something!

 

For~freaking - real ~ foget the X walking out! Its seriously time to get real about your life!

[tojaz]

I dont buy the time limit rules either, but i believe it was 1.5 to 2 months for every year. I think its more like dad of 2 said, you feel it in your heart when its ready to try. Depends on you, your emotional state and who your looking to date. I've been without my wife for over a year now, have met some women that I honestly don't know what I would do if they and my ex both came knocking I saw so much in them. I have been on dates with others where it felt wrong, like I was cheating.

 

Its a big gray area that has no rules. I would say that if you have to coma and ask the LS brain trust if your ready, then your probably not, but if you cross paths with someone that does make your heart pitter patter, dont be afraid to dip your toe in the water as long as you can be honest with them, and yourself about your state. If they cant accept that, then it was the wrong one anyway.

 

TOJAZ

[stepka]

Guess I'll wait until after next summer then b/c I really want to go to Africa to teach and I don't think any boyfriends would go with or wait for me.

[tojaz]

Guess I'll wait until after next summer then b/c I really want to go to Africa to teach and I don't think any boyfriends would go with or wait for me.

 

Oh, youd be amazed what us foolish guys would do for love!

 

Sucker....I mean TOJAZ

[You Go Girl]

Guess I'll wait until after next summer then b/c I really want to go to Africa to teach and I don't think any boyfriends would go with or wait for me.

 

Maybe there will be a Sean Connery Medicine Man waiting there for you.

[trippi1432]

Guess I'll wait until after next summer then b/c I really want to go to Africa to teach and I don't think any boyfriends would go with or wait for me.

 

I've always heard that Bushmen were good to know in Africa, at least they know their way around the desert. LOL!! :D

 

On a more serious note, are you going to be teaching in South Africa or will you be working more with the tribes? I have a friend who visits Africa frequently, she typically stays with the Massai and Ashanti tribes.

 

Even better, while you are over there, bring back some real Amarula - The Spirit of Africa and better than Bailey's!! LOL

[2.50 a gallon]

I'm with not buying the time limit.

 

I probably met a potential Mrs. Right within 3 months of breaking up with my XW, but I let my fear take over and did not pursue. I know now I should have taken a second look

 

My present GF had only kicked her live in BF out 3 months before our first date. And that was over 14 years ago.

 

Neither one of us were looking for love, it just sort of happened.

 

My point is one never knows when the winds of love may bring that someone special into your life. It might be 3 months after the break up and when you pass on that chance it might be decades later, if ever.

 

Gallon

[trippi1432]

I'm with not buying the time limit.

 

I probably met a potential Mrs. Right within 3 months of breaking up with my XW, but I let my fear take over and did not pursue. I know now I should have taken a second look

 

My present GF had only kicked her live in BF out 3 months before our first date. And that was over 14 years ago.

 

Neither one of us were looking for love, it just sort of happened.

 

My point is one never knows when the winds of love may bring that someone special into your life. It might be 3 months after the break up and when you pass on that chance it might be decades later, if ever.

 

Gallon

 

Good point Gallon, another point, women are getting to be more independent these days, I'm liking the single factor, not due to dating...but not due to having to "answer" to anyone.

 

Getting to know me, that has been an adventure...trying to understand relationships...:o:o

 

I was telling someone that relationships were too complicated anymore, they told me that they are, anything worthwhile is. I disagree that they have to be that way, spent 15 years in one that was overly complicated on both sides and have seen many relationships that were not complicated at all.

 

So from a different perspective:

 

A relationship that is worthwhile should not be complicated.