Waited 14 years for him, have I ruined everything?

[horsegirl]

I fell in love with a man nearly 15 years ago, but I was so young (finishing high school) while he was 30, we had met at my summer job and I didn't tell him how I felt. Summer ended, I moved to a new school, he got married. I was devastated and cried often. I always looked forward to seeing him again during Christmas and holidays, just to say hello. We never did anything physical.

 

A few years ago I graduated and moved back. He was at the same hospital where I got a job, so we saw each other often. He now had kids, and was friendly but professional.

 

To my surprise, one day he joined a local social group I belonged to for many years. We began seeing a lot more of each other after work at various social events. I would often catch him standing in the doorways staring at me, or from across the room. But whenever we spoke, it was strictly business, and I was confused by the mixed signals but said nothing.

 

Then things got strange. I remember at one event his wife approached me and started bragging about what a great husband he is, how in love with her he is, didn't I agree? All the details of the time they went to the beach and had sex on the sand. Then she went over to several other men and put her hands on them in a very sexual way, as if to say, my husband will chase after me no matter how badly I humiliate him. See?

 

One of his co-workers said he caught her cheating about a year ago. But he didn't file for D because of his three young kids. She began coming to his office every day. You could hear them screaming at each other down the hall, she called him pathetic because he doesn't make enough money and screamed he was a worthless father. His partner said he was nearly bankrupt from massive loans he had taken out for an expensive car and house, and now there were debt collectors after him.

 

 

THIS IS WHERE THINGS WENT WRONG:

 

I started to hate the both of them, I really did. His wife would come in to the office every day loaded with shopping bags to show off. I wanted to scream, can't you see he is so far in debt he stays here past 11pm trying to pay bills! He runs out the back door when the people he owes money to come looking for him! Why don't you help out, instead of going mall shopping and making his problems worse?? Why don't you stop humiliating him by flirting with his partner right in front of everyone?? Worse, if I turned a corner, he would lean in to kiss her while following me with his eyes, then put his arms around her, and she would scream out, oh, I looooove you! They both seemed to enjoy waiting for my reaction.

 

People at the hospital and at social events were getting ugly. They called her a whore and him an a-hole and piece of sh-t loser. One of their head nurses, a particularly nasty woman, criticized and spread rumors about him relentlessly, to anyone who would listen. After nearly 10 years of tirelessly defending him, I began to feel a gnawing disgust and hatred. I regret so much that I ever joined her in the verbal bashing and rumors, but finally I did, and those hurtful words can never be undone. I am so ashamed, because in retrospect he eventually found out, I'm sure. He must have lost respect for me when he learned I of all people was betraying him and started to think of me as not a sweet and decent girl but a deceptive liar, or at least, a bitch no better than his wife. And I regret my part in that, so much it makes me sick. I wonder how many true friends he has left. More than anything I wish I had remained a true friend.

 

When I was a teenager he used to be the guy in the muddy old pickup who would tell great stories about his weekends feeding horses, but now he avoided everyone. That wonderful man was long gone, and me, truly a loyal, innocent and wonderful girl back then too, was now a degraded backstabber.

 

Two months ago he moved away, to take a job at a firm nearby.

 

Then last month, he filed for divorce.

 

So my question is, after waiting nearly 15 years, he is single again. But do I still have a chance? I personally wouldn't date someone who had spread ugly rumors about me. How could I ever trust such a person? So he must think the same about me. I wish I could tell him, how sorry I am, how confused and hurt I had been, how provoked I felt by the both of them, how toxic everything had become. I was too naive to keep a safe distance. Of all the things that happened I didn't mean any of it, even after nearly 15 years I still love him deep down as I have since I was a teenager. But have I destroyed my chance?

Your insight would really, really be appreciated.

[WTRanger]

There isn't a chance, nor should you get involved with this divorce going on. Even if there was the slightest of chances, it's still way too soon after the divorce filing. Plus with the kids, it's going to be messy for him for quite some time and the last thing he needs is someone spilling a 15 year crush on him.

 

I think you are also making far reaching connections in your mind about how he sees you.

 

Unfortunately for you, the best thing you can do is nothing at all. Get rid of this crush, and go seek someone a bit more available.