cinder Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Four years into a doomed marriage full of abuse, I took our young son and left. When my ex went to prison for drugs sales, i returned to our home to raise my boy. I loved that child with such intensity, i was determined to make everything "just right." I convinced myself that if I did all I could, I could make up for everything. No one could've tried harder. No one could've been more wrong. The next eight years were spent with me completely neglecting most of my needs so I could fill my child's life with EVERYTHING - church, private music lessons, tee ball, basketball, baseball, wrestling, acting lessons, parts in children's theater plays, lots of pets, vacations every year (3 to disney world) swimming & ice skating lessons, summer camps, scouts, etc. One year we volunteered one day a week at a rescue mission. For two years we did wildlife rescue & rehab. Did I forget anything? All this on one single parent salary (no special skills) no child support, and no family support. And then... In a two year period everything fell apart. I had a hysterechtomy and for over 2 yrs couldn't get my horomones in check. no medications worked for more than 2-3 weeks. I was horrible to be around. My son, now in puberty with his horomones gone awry, caught me smoking pot. I stopped, but he never believed me, and was very angry. To add to all of this, his dad got out of prison, and had only seen him maybe a handful of times - in 2 years! Things just got so ugly. With good intentions, I tried to "badger" his dad into becoming part of his life. It just got worse. Instead of his dad encouraging him to do the right things, he would tell him that he (my son) didn't have to put up with my ****. and would tell me NOT to make my son do things he didn't want to do - school work, chores, practicing, etc. My nagging turned into cussing and punishments. My son started having outbursts of anger - punching walls, windows, pushing me. I started hitting . I began to look for help, and found some with a program that would mean my son would stay at ranch type setting with me coming weekly to work out our anger issues(lasting as short a term as 6weeks, or as long as necessary) My son told his dad i was sending him to juvenile detention, and next thing i know, police show up at my door with an emergency change of custody, with a hearing that followed 4 months later. child abuse. no proof. no witnesses. nothing. Dad decided to "help." Almost two years have passed, and while we were court ordered to couseling, i've only seen my boy maybe a half dozen times? Five of those at counseling. His dad discourages contact, and encourages anger towards me. no phone calls. no cards. nothing. Besides being emotionally stressed, I am out of money to fight this any longer, and, out of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Cinder - my heart goes out to you - it sounds like you feel you've lost your child - I can't imagine a worse feeling. I don't know enough about what stage you are at in your counselling or the legal position to advise you how to regain contact with your son. All I can suggest is that you work on yourself, build as happy a life as you can, demonstrate that you are emotionally resilient and capable of being the good parent you have been in the past, show you have accepted responsibility for the damage - then you stand a fighting chance of regaining contact. When you feel low remember you are doing this for your son. The experience of alienation from one parent and going to live with another parent is not uncommon. The level of anger (yours and his) is. Have you fully dealt with this - why it happened and what you can do to make amends? Reading your account it struck me that you strived incredibly hard to maintain an almost perfect standard for your child, then couldn't cope with things being less than perfect (every life has it's low points and there are no perfect parents). The most important thing is the counselling - I hope you have it yourself not just occasionally with your son. One way you can retain a feeling of closeness to your son in this time apart is by keeping a journal for him detailing your memories, thoughts and wishes for him. You can give it to him in the future. I have heard this has helped parents seperated from their children. I hope things work out for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 cinder, it's not unusual, when parents are divorced or separated, for the male teenager to leave his mother, the custodial parent, and go live with dad. My nephew did it when he was 14 years old. He still loves his mom, but he wanted to know his father--warts and all. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I wanted to live with my "bad apple" father when I became a teenager. It's not uncommon. I truly believe that your son will come back to you when he's older and wiser. Just persevere, cinder, and keep the communication lines open. A son's abiding love for his mother is extremely durable. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 My heart goes out to you. I think that those early years you spent with your son will surface once he gets past adolescence and he'll realize that you were not a monster, you were just trying to keep him on the right track. I know I butt heads a lot with my son throughout his high school years. We both have mellowed finally and maintain a good relationship. I don't think your son will listen to your ex bad mouth you forever without having some doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Yes I agree with Jester - your son will come back. Alienation is a teenage thing often followed by reconciliation. Just hang in there - don't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
chattykatey Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Yes I agree, this is just adolesence. it may not look like it but that is all it is. My son never had any problems with adolesence, but my daughter wow, she had some problems and it is emotionally difficult, but things will improve. Maybe it is time for you to devote some time and energy and resources to your own life, and allow your son some space and time, and he will come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cinder Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 thank you all for your support - and not focusing on the wrong things i did (i may have down played that part) beating myself up is the thing i do best. it was not a very healthy thing for me to make my son the center of my life, but i have never loved anyone so much! the journal idea sounds good ! in a strange way it may help me feel connected to him... cinder Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 We all do the best we can Cinder your child was loved and that counts for a lot. The man who first told me about the journal was in despair at the loss of his son (his wife just took off and he didn't see them for years). It just helped him focus his thoughts on the positive, remind himself that there would one day there would be contact and, as you say, feel connected. Do post again if you feel low. Link to post Share on other sites
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