DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I could really use some insight on my situation. I have been married for almost 3 years now and I feel it is slowly failing, but the situation I am having is I don't know if I am falling in love with my boss or if I am in lust. I am a dental assistant and he is the dentist. We talk to each other a lot outside of work and he will always make direct eye contact with me and we always joke around. He will call me almost every weekend and tell me what he is doing and so forth. I feel that we connect and he hasn't ever said it, but he is always asking how my marriage is and if I think it will last. He is married as well and has been married for about 2 years, they have been trying to have a baby, but it isn't happening. She is a lot older than him..which is neither here nor there but it is affecting the baby situation. He is starting to realize that she isn't what he expected. I love his parents they always stop in the practice and his mom always calls me at work and comes and brings me flowers. Everyday that I see him the feelings are deeper and it is getting frustrating. Is he feeling the same? He will always touch me in some way, joke or we will go to lunch a lot either just the two of us or with other people. He will tell me what is going on at home and vice versa. I just feel like there is something there. On weekends when he doesn't call or we don't talk to each other I am sad. What is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 What is going on? One dissatisfied married person is reaching out to another. It's made worse by the fact that you work for him. You can certainly have an affair with him if you like. That's what he's aiming for. If you do, you'll have some thrills, but you won't have a permanently happy life with him. When it ends, you'll either be fired or decide to quit because you can't stand having him near you. Then you'll go back and try to patch things up with your husband. Please see <URL removed> to get to work on building some lasting happiness in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 You're not going to like this, but I think you are both headed for trouble and you should stop NOW. This is not good. It sounds like you are headed for an affair. Like it or not, you are both married. You took the vows. Now you need to exercise a little something called self-control and not go there right now. Who knows what the future will bring, but for the time being, he is married and you are married. You may be totally smitten with him and vice versa, but it's not fair to your partners to engage in anything inappropriate. Quite frankly, I think the relationship is already inappropriate (none of my bosses have ever called me on the weekend to tell me what they were doing, and they shouldn't. someone else said it on here in another thread - keep your dick out of the payroll). You're going to do what you want in the end. I understand that you're unhappy in your marriage and perhaps he is, too. But letting yourself rebound to someone else while you are still married is not the answer. Either work things out with your spouse, or end it before you do anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 How do I know he is aiming for a affair or if he just likes talking to me? How can I define the difference? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Come on now.......you are married, he is married. Good Lord, he and his wife are trying to have a child. What are you even DOING by getting caught up in the attention of someone who's married/you're married? This is wrong and treading on dangerous ground. On top of that, he's your BOSS! Shame on him, for crossing over the lines of being a professional and an employer. He's lucky you don't sue his ass for sexual harassment. Get your head out of the sand. If you're not happy in your relatively new marriage, then get out of it. Get a divorce. I feel sorry for your husband......he deserves better than for his wife to be there at work, nearing closer to an affair with her boss. And your boss is a disgusting piece of crap.......to be carrying on like he is, when all the while, there's his wife who's trying to give him a child...and he's horsing around with you. You both need to get a grip. You're both relatively newly married. Didn't your marriage vows mean anything to you? Were they just "words"? Didn't you stand there before your husband and God and family and promise to be true and faithful to him, to stick with him "for better or worse"? Find another job....where your boss is an actual PROFESSIONAL. Doesn't anyone have a conscience anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 I understand what you are saying...see my husband is aware of all of his phone calls. I don't call him. I am just trying to figure out if he is just reaching out or if he one day is just going to try to kiss me or something. I just don't know how to take any of this. In the same breath of the other actions he will also make little comments on how small I am and how I don't eat enough, but then again he is always talking to me and such, what is that? Why tease someone about being thin and making sure they eat..... Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Use your intuition - since you had to ask, he most likely is crossing some boundaries. You can't know if he's considering an affair or potentially divorcing (if, say, that baby never happens) and actually being with you, or he's just seeking the attention of an attractive woman. But if all this is making you uncomfortable, it's probably a good idea to set some boundaries like no weekend calling, no lunch alone w/ him, no touching, etc. Otherwise, perhaps it's better to divorce and seek a new man eventually? It sounds to me like you have to decide between working on your marriage and leaving it and seeking happiness elsewhere. good luck! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 I had lunch with him yesterday and he made the comment "If people don't get what they need at home they will go somewhere else to get it". Then he asked if I thought my husband was cheating on me...where did that come from? He will run hot and cold there are weekends when he doesn't call. and when he does call he makes a reason for calling..like did I just see you or did you just call? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 He calls you almost every weekend, asks you if your marriage is ok and if it will last, etc. It definitely sounds to me like he's looking for a little something. Like someone else said, go with your intuition. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 I agree, its just I love my job and everyone I work with. I just want to keep thinking that is all innocent and he is just trying to be friendly, just like there are some weekends he doesn't call..like next weekend I am going to florida and my husband can't take me to the airport..so you would think if that is what he was aiming for you would think he would offer to take me.. but he didn't. So see how I get these mixed signals. What is up with the up and down. That is why I can't quite put my finger on what he is thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 What does it matter "what he's thinking"? What matters is....YOU ARE MARRIED. HE IS MARRIED. Why are you trying to analyze his words and actions? You have a husband. Why don't you devote your time and analyzing to your own husband and marriage...you said it's not that great, why don't you spend your time trying to improve it, versus what you're doing? Sounds to me like the guy is a pig who's hoping you'd be open to having a little "fun on the side." By him asking if your husband is cheating, it's like he's piggishly trying to put a "seed of doubt" into your mind, about your own husband...so that maybe you'll feel "justified" in having a fling with him. That's about as tacky as one can get (on his part). And this crap he spewed about "if you're not happy at home, you'll look somewhere else", that is rude. If you're not happy at home, you should be man or woman enough to a) work on it.....if that doesn't help, then b) get out/get divorced. And it's extremely inappropriate and unprofessional of him to be calling you at home on the weekends, if it's not of an urgent work-related matter. What on earth does your husband think about his calls? Don't you care what your husband must think? It sounds to me like you are so busy analyzing his words and actions because you WANT someone here to tell you, "oh he's interested in you." Again, why not devote the time you're spending here and there, analyzing this crap with your boss, and spend it working on your marriage and being the wife you should be to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 24, 2004 Author Share Posted January 24, 2004 My husband knows about all of it..I haven't hidden a thing..I am just wondering if its just me or if I need to find another job or if I am blowing it out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by DENTALASSISTANT My husband knows about all of it..I haven't hidden a thing..I am just wondering if its just me or if I need to find another job or if I am blowing it out of proportion. I surely didn't detect from your original post that your dilemma is whether you should be looking for another job. In fact, it seemed pretty clear to me that you're rather smitten with your married boss, and you're trying to see if WE interpret his words and actions as someone who feels the same. Afterall, you wrote: "I have been married for almost 3 years now and I feel it is slowly failing, but the situation I am having is I don't know if I am falling in love with my boss or if I am in lust. " So your husband knows all about his phonecalls, well sure....but you don't think it must hurt him to know your boss is calling you after hours? Don't you care about your husband's feelings? How would YOU feel if some chick from his workplace was calling him most weekends.....that wouldn't bother you? How can any of us here tell you what to do? How can any of us here tell you what your piggish boss is thinking? It's impossible. If you say your marriage is "slowly failing" (after a mere 3 yrs), how do you think all this with your boss is going to IMPROVE your slowly-failing marriage? What are you doing to help improve your marriage? Or are you doing nothing? What is so bad about it? Have you sought marriage counselling? Do you think that having the hots for your married boss is somehow going to fix the problems in your marriage? Why would you want anything to do with a married man who's trying to have a baby with his wife, yet he's openly and rudely telling you crap like "If you're not happy at home, you look somewhere else" (or however he worded it). Is that something a man with honor and integrity says/believes? Again, I feel sorry for your husband. You don't seem to "get it." Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 That is why I can't quite put my finger on what he is thinking? I'm thinking he wants to put his finger on your Twinkie, shortly followed by other parts of him. As to how I know that, well, I've been around a while. Friendly is friendly, but a married man who follows his young assistant around, flirting, chatting privately, calling her at home, looking deeply into her eyes, talking about his marital problems and asking about hers, and testing her reaction to adultery comments, is not innocent in his intent. To save your job and marriage, you would need to put your relationship on a strictly professional footing. Be busy when he asks you to lunch or calls you, and don't make eye contact except when business calls for it. Don't have any personal chitchat, especially about marriage, sex, babies or cheating. Confine your talk to the weather, sports, and whether you need to restock room #3 with gauze and X-ray film. He'll get the message very quickly that you're calling your "unspoken pre-affair" off. Sadly, you may soon find that your work has become "inadequate". And quit worrying about what exactly his thoughts may be. That is irrelevant to the big picture. To runi your job and/or marriage, keep doing what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Both of you are in the thick of an emotional affair. Your next stop, unless you decide to get off, is sexual affair junction. And it is at that stop, where you could lose both a husband and a job. I know what you're feeling: excitement, anticipation, warm fuzzies, obsessive thoughts. Dr. FeelGood has supplanted your husband as the center of your emotional, romantic and sexual universe. He's very good. He has made all the right emotional moves before hitting on you sexually: eye contact, jokes, lunches, calls and the exchange of confidences. First he'll take your heart (or you'll give it to him) and then he'll enjoy your body. His goal is to get you to open up --in every sense of the word. Dr. FeelGood is playing you very well. He knows what he's doing and what he wants. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Your job is already toast. Either: a) You have the "fling" or "affair" or "relationship" - whatever face you put on it - and cause a whole lot of pain in a number of different lives. Sooner or later - most probably sooner - The Doc will find another conquest and Hey! you're next in the pain line! Then your job will quickly evaporate. b) you have the good sense (as well as self-respect) to mind your own marriage, curb your responses and not respond to his advances anymore. Know what? He already thinks he has won. He feels it is a matter of time (it sounds like that to me too). As soon as he realizes that you have stood up for your self and your husband, he won't be very interested in your continuing to work for him. My opinion? Yes, he is hitting on you. Hard. Setting the stage. My advice? Dump the job - ASAP. Fix your marriage. Or end it. If you end it, wait 'til after it's over to hook up with someone. Otherwise, fast forward 5 years... aren't you (while you are home with the kids, cooking, cleaning...) going to be wondering what he is up to at work...? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 ..I am just wondering if its just me or if I need to find another job or if I am blowing it out of proportion. Find another job. With a female dentist. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 ""Find another job. With a female dentist."" lol. couldn't have said it better myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 Well, he didn't call me at all this weekend..which kinda does but kinda doesn't surprise me. This is what I am talking about..I guess I just figure if you are hitting on someone you would try to call them at every opportunity, unless it is like what you all are saying..he has to play it cool. ??? Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 The man is smooth. When trying to ignite an affair, it is best not to appear overeager (or desperate). That's neither sexy nor cool. Better to ration the affection and interest. Plus, the guy employs you. He has many opportunities to insinuate himself into your emotional(and sexual) life, and vice versa. He's patient as I would be. When embarking on an affair the first rule of them is to never appear overeager. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 So you think that is what he is doing and I should raise my guard. I would be lying if I said that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. He's a great person and I love being around him. But, I guess what my main fear is when is he going to make this advancement and how, and then what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 My best guess is that he'll hit on you while you both are out drinking after a day at work. Alcohol and work are great facilitators of affairs. As for what you should do, remember that under Title VII , sexual harassment is illegal. So if you reject his advances , and he either retaliates through an adverse employment action or persists in showing unwanted attention and thus creates a hostile work environment, you may have a lawsuit. Under Title VII, there must be at least 20 employees. There may not be sufficient number of employees for TitleVII to apply. So I would check your state anti-discrimination law. As for your response --on a moral plane--I leave that to your belief system and to input from other LoveShackers who might have strong feelings about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 News update ..from today. He has called me twice. Before I went into work and when I left. Now the kicker is today...he asked me if I were to have an affair who would it be with...what???? Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Now the kicker is today...he asked me if I were to have an affair who would it be with...what???? It sounds like the love doc is ready to play his hand. Not surprising. We all predicted this. DA, you must be very careful from this point forward. If you reciprocate, become his "other woman," your co-workers will find out, they will resent you for sleeping your way to the top, and label you a slut for screwing a married man. You'll have sex with doc, but only if its convenient to him and only after he concludes doing higher priority things with the wife. The affair will end, they all do, and you'll probably feel compelled to resign. There's nothing like working for an ex-lover. Or, you can say, "I don't have affairs--even hypothetically. In fact, I consider the very question to be rude, demeaning and belittling. Leave me alone, if you don't mind." Then see what he does. You may have to consult a lawyer at some point. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DENTALASSISTANT Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Hi jester... I was floored..as you can tell he wasn't volunteering himself of course. Like he was thinking I would say..you of course. Then he said well what would having an affair do for you, it is only sex temporarily...why did he say that? He is always using a invisible 3rd party for questions....then to top it off...this is the real twister he says well if you have an affair with someone bring him in here and let me check his teeth to be sure he is in good health...what!!!??? Link to post Share on other sites
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