Trying to get closer to a recently-befriended female friend

[WTRanger]

RUN AWAY! Why are you doing this? She's not going to leave her rocker boyfriend for a timid man.

 

You're level of insane "I think she might like me" connections is hilarious. She's not interested in you on any level other than that of a male friend or girlfriend with a penis. The very fact that she mentioned she's got a man without you asking is her way of saying, "Look buddy. I like you as a person, we share similar interests. However, my loins don't get all frothy when I think about you. So don't expect anything other an lunch."

 

Take what you learned, and find someone else. Show some initiate next time. What scares me is when you cannot even decide on a place to go, so you have to ask strangers on the internet for advice. That's weak sauce and shows zero initiate and confidence on your part. Women like it when a man can ask them out and already have a place in mind.

Edited June 9, 2010 by WTRanger

[carhill]

Thing is, she told me she has a boyfriend (but I didn't ask anyway; she was at some concert watching her boyfriend's band play). BUT: at the same time she seems to really enjoy my company.

 

What do you suggest I do next?

Oh, no worries. She's got a BF; I missed that part prior. Friend-zone her. Invite another nice young *single* lady to join you. Work it

[ADF]

Nope. The only way to get you to break out of your shell is to beat it into your scared mind that rejection is just a part of seeking a girlfriend. Stop fearing it. You have got to be a man and stop being a boy at some point in your life.

 

Not to get too far of topic, but does anyone else think it is funny that these words were spoken by a guy who has picture of a chimp in his profile?

[DarkMagus15]

Oh, no worries. She's got a BF; I missed that part prior. Friend-zone her. Invite another nice young *single* lady to join you. Work it

Yeah, I am convinced to believe it'll most likely be friend-zoning, but I don't care if it turns out that way; my main focus is to at least show her what kind of person I am, and *maybe* if she's not happy with her current boyfriend, then when they split up she can try me next, or some other non-BF guy the closest to her. I am now willing to face any possibility of being rejected. I've seen how many people's lives have been screwed by marriages and other relationships, so I shouldn't act like being in a relationship is all "fancy-schmancy", because everyone has their problems. All I care for is getting someone that I find attractive and interesting to sit down and spend time with me, and that is all I really need. I still got lots of time to figure out who I'll lose my virginity to, so I'm not worried.

 

RUN AWAY! Why are you doing this? She's not going to leave her rocker boyfriend for a timid man.

 

You're level of insane "I think she might like me" connections is hilarious. She's not interested in you on any level other than that of a male friend or girlfriend with a penis.

Meh. That "rocker" plays in an indie rock/folk group. I don't see that as very threatening -- and this is coming from a dude (me) that listens to extreme metal on a daily basis. But hey -- that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong about the stereotype associated with indie rock/folk musicians/fans. I don't give a toss about the other guy's image or attitude. I am willing to open myself (though not too personal) up for her regardless if she really wants to date me or not, just in case it turns out that she is not happy with her current relationship and breaks it off with the other guy. Then, maybe she'll come over to me (or anyone else closest to her) and express her sadness (or relief).

 

I like to think of my pattern as this: an "employer" (girlfriend) who currently "hires" (dates) someone (boyfriend), then "fires" (dumps) him and begins "processing recent job applications" (seeking potential boyfriends), then "sets up an interview" (meeting up and getting to know about a guy's life) with each person, then "heads back to the "office" (makes up the decision in the mind) to decide on the best person that was "interviewed" by that "employer."

 

The very fact that she mentioned she's got a man without you asking is her way of saying, "Look buddy. I like you as a person, we share similar interests. However, my loins don't get all frothy when I think about you. So don't expect anything other an lunch."

I thought the same way, too... about a whole month ago. (She texted me that last month.) Though recently, we've been conversing more and more in class than ever. And she won't stop checking me out in class.. if that doesn't sound like she's interested on any level, then having a bald head makes it a color. My assumption is that perhaps there is something that isn't working out between the girl and her current boyfriend. So, regardless if the relationship is going well or not, I just want to show her that I will be there if she needs another person in her life to be with. Sure, I may not have the best quality of confidence when it comes to speech, but I try to show it in body language without being so desperate. I show it to girls that I like that "I'm available", but I don't stress it to the point of being desperate.

 

As far as and I see, high school (she's also still in HS) and college relationships make and break all the time. And I won't say what she ACTUALLY *thinks* about me, but I think that judging by her body language, maybe she wants to see what kind of person I really am, in case she decides to leave the guy or the guy leaves her. Maybe I'll be stuck in a friend-zone, maybe I won't.

 

Now, for the lunch part, I asked her that today. We probably could've went out to lunch for today, but she had to go back to HS to do her Finals. Next week it'll be the last of the quarter, and she'll have her summer break. I'm just taking this all at a slow (but steady) pace. And, I know I *did* ask the community on places to go, but I'm just looking for pointers. She told me she likes this taco restaurant, and next time we meet, I can ask her if she wants to eat with me there.

 

Oh, and I am working on other girls, too. Not just this one; this thread is just about the relationship level between me and the girl.

[WTRanger]

Right now the relationship level between you and this girl is zero, possibly less than zero. You are trying to find clues where there are no clues. Of course you'll see her body language. That's what you want to see! But what's reality? Being in vulture mode, just waiting and waiting for her relationship to end is clearly not a good sign of being a good friend. If you do swoop in, she'll be more offended than anything. She'll be disgusted that you put on this sensitive "friend" act just to wait it out and get in her pants.

 

Time to work on those other girls. Your process is flawed and time consuming and ultimately leads to the friendzone or her emotional tampon. The best process is akin to putting on a blindfold, and throwing handfuls of darts at a dartboard. Eventually, you'll hit the bulls-eye. Stop thinking, start doing. You can't use an A-Team plan to date. It doesn't take 40,000 steps just to open a door. There is no check list. There is no process sheet. If there were, dating would be easy. But it's a challenge, just like everything else you will experience in your life. But the challenge makes it fun and all worth while when you do find someone.

[DarkMagus15]

Right now the relationship level between you and this girl is zero, possibly less than zero. You are trying to find clues where there are no clues. Of course you'll see her body language. That's what you want to see! But what's reality? Being in vulture mode, just waiting and waiting for her relationship to end is clearly not a good sign of being a good friend. If you do swoop in, she'll be more offended than anything. She'll be disgusted that you put on this sensitive "friend" act just to wait it out and get in her pants.

I disagree with that statement; sex is not really the first thing that comes into my thoughts when I seek a girl. Believe it or not, I'm not desperate just to get a taste of a girl's poontang. I want a life companion that understands and accepts me for who I am, and someone that is willing to spend time with me doing fun things together, such as traveling.

Edited June 10, 2010 by DarkMagus15

[WTRanger]

You are not even out of high school yet and you are expecting to meet your future wife right off the bat. This is the time of your life where you should be out learning about various women, what makes them tick, how to get along with them, etc. Whether you like it or not, sex is the first thing that comes into your mind when you see a girl. Believe me, she knows if she'll sleep with you before you get to the "H" in "Hello." Why in the world do you think you are attracted to them in the first place? What do you think triggers your brain to say, "Go say Hello to her."? Physical and sexual attraction. You can have your intellectual equal and your exact travel buddy, but if either of the two of you aren't sexually interested in each other the relationship is a sham.

 

There was a great quote last night about the Chicago Blackhawks and why they won the championship. They talked about just always shooting pucks at the net, and eventually good things happen. If you wait, and plan, and wonder, opportunities will pass you by. Just keep shooting and eventually that work will pay off. You learn from the shots you miss, not the shots you fail to take.

 

The more you wait, the worse it gets. There aren't too many women lining up to be the first everything for a guy in his mid-20's or 30's. So this is the time of your life to start getting out there. I'm starting to wonder if you are deathly afraid of rejection so you'll search endlessly for Miss Right instead of putting yourself out there. You need to really experience rejection and heartbreak. You need to understand that you'll live if she says no or we're breaking up. You need to learn how to tell a girl that it's not working between the two of you. At the same time, you also need to experience the highest of highs in relationships. You are missing out on all of this by having this mental picture of how things are supposed to work. You say you are interested in other girls, but haven't actually communicated with them. Well, what good does that do you? Get out there and talk to them for Christ's sake!

 

Look at this current case. You spent all this time waiting and wondering, only to find out she's dating someone. If you had asked day one or week one, you'd have saved all of that time to go find someone available. Then, stupidly, you are willing to settle for far less than what you wanted under the guise of being this "nice sensitive guy". I call so much bullsh*t on that it's not even funny. You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover before you find yourself in permanent friendzones for the rest of your life.

 

When you go out to eat, are you willing to eat roadkill when you order a New York Strip steak? Probably not. You want what you ordered. This should be no different.

[DarkMagus15]

You are not even out of high school yet and you are expecting to meet your future wife right off the bat.

I stated in the OP that I'm already in college. I got my GED last year.

 

Whether you like it or not, sex is the first thing that comes into your mind when you see a girl. Believe me, she knows if she'll sleep with you before you get to the "H" in "Hello." Why in the world do you think you are attracted to them in the first place?

I believe I naturally feel attracted to them because I enjoy their beauty (anything but the slutty kind). Well, maybe that doesn't seem convincing enough to you, but I can't explain it any better than that.

 

What do you think triggers your brain to say, "Go say Hello to her."? Physical and sexual attraction. You can have your intellectual equal and your exact travel buddy, but if either of the two of you aren't sexually interested in each other the relationship is a sham.

I do agree with what is said here. As far as sexual attraction, I believe it is imperative to have sexual attraction, but it doesn't have to be the *very* first thing in a relationship.

 

The more you wait, the worse it gets. There aren't too many women lining up to be the first everything for a guy in his mid-20's or 30's. So this is the time of your life to start getting out there. I'm starting to wonder if you are deathly afraid of rejection so you'll search endlessly for Miss Right instead of putting yourself out there. You need to really experience rejection and heartbreak. You need to understand that you'll live if she says no or we're breaking up. You need to learn how to tell a girl that it's not working between the two of you. At the same time, you also need to experience the highest of highs in relationships. You are missing out on all of this by having this mental picture of how things are supposed to work. You say you are interested in other girls, but haven't actually communicated with them. Well, what good does that do you? Get out there and talk to them for Christ's sake!

Yeah, I do think it's foolish to have strict standards for the girl you want, so I should communicate with a wide variety of women. I do agree with what you're saying here, too.

 

Look at this current case. You spent all this time waiting and wondering, only to find out she's dating someone. If you had asked day one or week one, you'd have saved all of that time to go find someone available. Then, stupidly, you are willing to settle for far less than what you wanted under the guise of being this "nice sensitive guy". I call so much bullsh*t on that it's not even funny. You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover before you find yourself in permanent friendzones for the rest of your life.

To be honest, when she texted me she has a boyfriend, I actually was neither sad nor happy; just felt emotionless. And yeah, I agree with what you say about the "nice guy syndrome." I actually am pretty comfortable with being myself by not giving a damn about what others think. I've pissed off a few girls with some of my point of views, so I don't change my opinions just to match someone elses', and if they tell me they like something that I don't, I'll be more than GLAD to honestly tell them how I feel about that kind of stuff, or just say that I'm not into that at all, because I KNOW girls want a confident guy who's not afraid to tell the truth. Simply that, and if they doesn't like what I say, I'll move on to someone else.

 

And, looking back, I don't think I really feel attracted to this girl anymore, based on the questions I've asked about her in class. The only thing that I felt attracted to was her look, which I do find attractive, but the major turn off is that she likes the kind of music that I myself despise with a PASSION (indie/folk/pop) -- so, I don't think it's gonna work out between a girl like her and a guy like me who cranks up Slayer and Iron Maiden (Hell, she was even terrified to see one of Iron Maiden's album cover art!) on a daily basis. I give up on her. Moving on.

 

Seriously, now I understand why your posts are like that here, because what I felt these last two months was nothing but pure bullcrap. Sorry about the confusion I've caused in the first page.

 

Feel free to offer any more final advice that you think I need to know, or if you think I'm being too honest with girls.