Emotional abuse?

[Parasailing01]

My husband has said the following things to me and I am wondering if this is emotional abuse. The things he says to me have been subtle up until this point.

 

What do you do for this family? meaning he works full time ad I work part-time, housework, pick up kids and everything else?!

 

Last night in the car we came back from a function, he was drunk. I made a comment that I did not get to see him that much and I would have liked to spend more time with him. He comes back and says the whole ride home, How can you be so f....g stupid! you are so stupid!!! the whole ride home he did this to me. Today he was still very angry and apologized, I am so hurt that he did this.

 

When we were having sex, his sister was visitig from out of town, she kocked on the door and he got really mad at me because I would not finish having sex with him. I stopped so I could get the door.

 

He is financially controlling as well as controlling about household chores. He got very angry at me the other night because the laundry was not folded?

 

I have never had someone ever treat me like this and I am hurt, I am also afraid that it will get worse. Is it me or is this emotional abuse?

[Fouts]

It's how he interacts with you and you tolerate it, it's not abuse.

 

You either like the way he treats you, or you don't. If you don't, you can communicate that, stay in the relationship and try to make it better or leave.

[sugarmomma]

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

 

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

 

 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

[FarmGirl]

This is absolutely abuse.

Sugarmomma's description was right on the money sadly.

I'm in a similar situation with my fiance of 8 years.

 

You have to do something about this. I promise you that YEARS will go by in a flash and you'll be wondering where time went...meanwhile you'll be toeing the imaginary line (that keeps getting changed on you)...and constantly wondering if today is the day you set him off.

 

Ugh!!

 

Start with IC. Then if you want to stay MC/ IC for your H.

If he is at all violent (emotional can escalate)...then get out & go to a shelter asap.

If you want to leave, plan carefully and keep it quiet until you go.

Emotional Abusers are the WORST emotional manipulators there are.

I know. I'm trying to get my act together to leave mine. It ain't easy

 

Good luck.

[pureinheart]

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

 

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

 

 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

 

Strangely enough this is the abusers ultimate fear also.

 

What you described SM was my life, one bad relationship right after the other...then the last one..OMG, this describes it to the tee.

 

I am doing the alone thing and IT IS very uncomfortable.

 

I am so very sorry PS01, my prayers and thoughts are with you...please, if he won't do the MC...get councelling for yourself. Please keep in mind these things don't go away overnight, it all is a process and takes time...((((((hugs)))))))

Edited May 17, 2010 by pureinheart

[Chrome Barracuda]

UUghhh i wish people read more of this woman's backstory insted of giving her fuel for her imagination. That's what she wants. this isnt the truth.

 

She's been having affairs on her husband and hiding things behind his back. anything her husband does is magnified in her eyes, because she has to justify it to leave him.

 

She's a liar, and a cheater and yet she cannot just file for divorce and move out to F someone else.

 

Nice job...

[Parasailing01]

Chrome Barracuda,

 

First of all I am not a Liar, yes, I did have an affair, was that the best choice, absolutely not!

 

I should have made a move out of my marriage before that happened BUT I have been having these problems with my husband for a long time.

 

I would actually call myself STUPID for not getting out of a marriage where I have been controlled, called names and many other things, yes Stupid.

 

So, based on my postings I can understand where you would think that. I posted things about my car accident (yes, alcohol related), I have posted info about an affair not affairs.The controlling behaviors and name calling, issues with anger when I did not finish sex, this has been happening to me since 2001. I should not have had a car accident and I should not have had an affair but Please do not call me a liar, yes, I cheated and am not proud of it but I have been tryig to make my marriage work but he keeps pushing me, that is my fault.

 

I am askig advice from readers, so those of you who have replied and are reading, I am telling you the truth and I thank you. I was asking your advice if this was emotional abuse. The things my husband has been doing to me have bee very difficult but I just can't break loose, I don't know why?

 

So, I appreciate all of you who are and will continue to give me advice and let me know if this is emotional abuse. Some things I have done in my life have not been the right decisons but based on what I have been trying to deal with that is my focus now to get back on track.

 

So, Chrome Barracuda, not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, just trying to find myself again without losing myself with emotional abuse.

 

It is my choice and I should have left a while ago, the signals were very subtle, now much greater.

 

Emotional Abuse is Emotional Abuse, can people stop doing this or will it continue throughout our marriage? I am becoming scared.

 

Chrome Barracuda, thanks so much for your post and have a wonderful day.

 

Once again thanks to all of you that have been there to assist me and I look forward to all feedback.

[Fouts]

Emotional abuse is a buzz phrase for the give-me generation whose time has come around to getting knee deep in the real world.

 

He's treating you how he wants to treat you. Unless you were given to him by a sultan, you have the freedom to not accept it and walk away. You're an emotionally dependent person, not an emotionally abused one.

[sugarmomma]

You're an emotionally dependent person, not an emotionally abused one.

 

 

Because she is emotionally dependent, she allows herself to be emotionally abused. Abused nonetheless.

 

OP you need to be alone to learn to enjoy the company of yourself. Another person cannot make you happy.

[Parasailing01]

Thanks to everyone for your replies, you are all correct, I am allowing this to happen. As I open my eyes and realize the things he has done, yes, I am being emotionally dependent. I am a much different person than that, I have lost who I am, amazing!

 

Thanks so much to all of you for your replies and sugarmomma you are so right, after reading the characteristics of an emotionally dependent person on the computer it has put a new twist on how I am thinking and how I need to move forward.

 

I have sat down and realized that what my husband has been doing has been very subtle but it is a cycle. The following are things he has done and I realize that this does not stop, here is the cycle....

 

While I was in the hospital, 9 years ago, my husband brought in a credit card bill and was angry with me (bill not that much), I couldn't take it, almost died and he brings a credit card bill in, my whole family and all of my friends are coming in to make sure I am alive and ok and he brings a credit card. After going to therapy he says he is sorry. I specifically remember 2-3 times where we have had sex and he was very angry with me because we did not finish (due to sister in law visiting) and I was uncomfortable, he said he was sorry.

 

He asked me what I do for our family? when everyday I take care of the kids, clean, I work part-time and work at night, etc.......... said he did not mean it, he was sorry.

 

Just recently on the ride home from an event, my husband yelled at me the whole way home (about 30 min) and told me I was f...g stupid, he even got so mad he wanted me to pull over so he could get out of the car and walk home.

 

Yes, I have let these things happen and am not proud of it, no feeling sorry for me, not what I am looking for but I have woken up.

 

Ok, these are not so good points and yes my husband has done many good things but I was looking for advice as to whether this was abuse or not because after a while I start believing only what I know.

 

It's interesting, I am upset with the situation, upset at myself for putting up with it but I am scared at the same time. I realize that I need to do something about this, not sure he can change? The scary part is that he does not even think it is a big deal. After calling me stupid he apologized and went out to buy me a gift thinking the gift will make it all better.

 

I want my kids to be brought up with 2 people who love each other, I need to look out for them and for myself.

 

Part of me wants this to work out (not sure why after everything he has done), maybe because of the house I live in, the school my kids go to, the everyday things that we take for granted. I am a patient person, I need to seriously think about what I will do, I need to be myself, I will start there.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...are you gonna tell him your gay???

 

whats the point of working things out if your lying about ur sexuality.

[Parasailing01]

I am attracted to men and so happen to be also with this OW, so no, I am not going to tell him I am gay, I need to find myself first and decide what is best for my kids and I.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am attracted to men and so happen to be also with this OW, so no, I am not going to tell him I am gay, I need to find myself first and decide what is best for my kids and I.

 

 

Bull****. You wont tell him because deep down inside you want totall control over this whole situation. You want the best possible outcome for what suits you. In your other threads you constantly make it known you want to be with someone else plus you want total custody!!!

 

Why cant you be honest with your husband. Tell him about the affair first and foremost!!!

 

HE DESERVES TO KNOW. HE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW!!!

 

Stop hedging your bets. You arent doing what's best for the kids. You are doing whats best for you!!!!

 

PERIOD!

[Parasailing01]

That is the truth, I am not trying to have total control over this whole thing, I do want the best for my kids and myself and I am being controlled and need to make the right decision. By bringing up the fact that I had an affair, that will make it much worse. His abuse or my emotional dependency started way before my affair, what I did was wrong but what he has been doing for almost 10 years is getting out of control. Sorry it doesn't sound better than that for you Chrome Barracuda but that is the truth.

[Parasailing01]

Not sure what to do. After my husband called me f....g stupid all the way home the other night I have asked him why he did it. He said he is not sure that he had anger built up inside and he exploded.

 

He still wants to be married, he has apologized ad bought me a gift. When he bought me a gift he thought that would fix everything. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice gesture but he wanted me to all of a sudden be ok with everything.

 

My therapist says she thinks he needs counseling by himself like I do. He has a few of his own emotional problems. So, I am not sure whether to wait it out to see if he changes? or move on with my life?

 

I am afraid that even the best therapy does not change someone like this, someone who dishes out verbal abuse?

 

This is very difficult, I need to move forward but can't?

 

Thanks once again for everyone's responses, it assists me greatly.

[Parasailing01]

Ok, my husband and I went to the therapist tonight and he wants to try and make the marriage work, he will be going to therapy o his own. He admitted that he has problems because he is not sure where this anger, name calling, etc. comes from. I am very scared because I have heard this before and not sure if this can be fixed. I don't want to be the fool once again the next time he does something. I have been questioning myself a lot lately, why is it that I can't move in one direction or the other? Ugggghhhh, this time in limbo is killing me. I wish it didn't hurt so much, is it ME? should I work this out? not sure if his behavior can change?

[BB07]

Abusers rarely change Parasailing01 and since you have been having an affair, it could be dangerous for you. It's probably time to move on and out, but of course it's up to you.

 

Don't waste time and effort on someone who is broken so badly.

[Parasailing01]

Thanks BB07, I appreciate you responding, I am still scared and not sure what to do but I will sooner or later, I am hoping sooner.

 

What would you all do? Wait for your husband to see if he changes or leave, same patterns, do they really change, I don't know?

[Chrome Barracuda]

...why have you not told him about your same sex affair???

 

Why r u the only only one that has the say so on your marriage continuing or ending?

 

why dont you tell him the truth???

[Parasailing01]

I have enough problems at the moment, I don't need to bring that up now, I will but not right now. I have had these problems with my husband prior to the affair, so this is what I have to look at, someone who verbally abuses me, hmmmm..... I had an affair with someone who cares for me, yes, it was wrong but they still cared and did not verbally abuse me. So, maybe there is my answer.

 

So, I will not tell him now, eventually.

[Chrome Barracuda]

YOU WILL NEVER FIX YOUR DAMN PROBLEMS WITHOUT REVEALING THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LIFE!

 

..Why try to fix things if your still hedging your bets. You want out, just admit it. man the F up. Tell the truth, take the L, and leave!

 

It's so simple. why are you doing it to yourself???

 

You say she cared about you, she's a scumbag, your married and still are, how can any sane person be cool with sleeping with someone who isnt their spouse. You said he abuses you, but yet you didnt leave.

 

YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE! knowing full and well. You only create more problems and issues than curing them???

 

Wouldnt you like to know if your husband had an affair with a dude. why are you hiding this from him?

 

Whats the plan. Recover the marriage enough to then tell him the truth? or just get enough courage and heart later on down the line when the time is right then leave him and not bring the affair out because it would jeopardize your custodial chances and relationship with the OW?

 

I mean wtf, it's all a game to you huh???

 

Your husband has a right to know, but on your timetable.

 

Give me a break lady i heard it all before.

[Parasailing01]

Yes I did sleep with someone else and it was not right but right now I am afraid of the reaction I would get from an already emotionally abusive husband. I did not make the right choice in having an A but I am not stupid enough to tell my H when he is already being emotionally abusive to me, let's add more fuel to the fire so he can hurt me more, no thanks, I will do it when I know it's safe to do so, thank you. When I do tell him maybe it will open up his eyes and make him realize that he can't treat me like this.

 

Chrome Barracuda, it sounds like you have been cheated on, have you?

[BB07]

YOU WILL NEVER FIX YOUR DAMN PROBLEMS WITHOUT REVEALING THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LIFE!

 

..Why try to fix things if your still hedging your bets. You want out, just admit it. man the F up. Tell the truth, take the L, and leave!

 

It's so simple. why are you doing it to yourself???

 

You say she cared about you, she's a scumbag, your married and still are, how can any sane person be cool with sleeping with someone who isnt their spouse. You said he abuses you, but yet you didnt leave.

 

YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE! knowing full and well. You only create more problems and issues than curing them???

 

Wouldnt you like to know if your husband had an affair with a dude. why are you hiding this from him?

 

Whats the plan. Recover the marriage enough to then tell him the truth? or just get enough courage and heart later on down the line when the time is right then leave him and not bring the affair out because it would jeopardize your custodial chances and relationship with the OW?

 

I mean wtf, it's all a game to you huh???

 

Your husband has a right to know, but on your timetable.

 

Give me a break lady i heard it all before.

 

Chrome.........LAY OFF her. Obviously you don't have a clue about a abusive relationship and the dynamics of it, so stop riding her about the affair. She needs to take care of one thing at a time and she needs to figure out that she needs to leave the abusive relationship, it doesn't make it any more right, but most likely that's why she is in a affair. Abusive people beat you down, destroy your self esteem, you have very little self value, so you are ripe for an affair.

[BB07]

Keep writing Parasailing01 if you need to.

 

Apparently Chrome has some anger issues and is venting on you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yes I did sleep with someone else and it was not right but right now I am afraid of the reaction I would get from an already emotionally abusive husband. I did not make the right choice in having an A but I am not stupid enough to tell my H when he is already being emotionally abusive to me, let's add more fuel to the fire so he can hurt me more, no thanks, I will do it when I know it's safe to do so, thank you. When I do tell him maybe it will open up his eyes and make him realize that he can't treat me like this.

 

Chrome Barracuda, it sounds like you have been cheated on, have you?

 

...Sounds like a revenge issue to me. my past history has nothing to do with yours. Let's not open the can of worms. I already know what your trying to do. Say im using what your doing as a reason to vent about issues in my past. etc.

 

You made a choice to sleep around. yes you did. let be clear but in reality...

 

If he was already emotionally abusive why create a situation and make it ten times worse. You think that when word of the affair gets out he wont be abusive more? Do you want to hurt him by withholding the information and when he sufficiently heals you pull the rug out from under him.

 

Sounds to me like you have alot of resentment. He's damned if he does, damned if he doesnt.

 

Again...You will not truly fix your marriage without all the cards on the table!!! Stop Lying to him about being faithful.

 

Again, he has a right to know! Wouldnt you like to be informed?

 

...Ask you a question if he found out concrete evidence of your A, what would you do then??? how can you possibly state, oh im waiting for the right time, when you witheld the truth about your activities for the longest.

 

You OWE him the truth!