Emotional abuse?

[Chrome Barracuda]

...I do not have anger issues.

 

I simply do NOT believe her story!!!

 

It doesnt make any sense! She knows her husband is abusive but yet from her first post her direct words was leaving her marriage for an OW with her kids in tow. It said nothing about his emotional abuse!!!

 

She's lying and blameshifting and rewriting her marital history like many WS's do. You girls just dont see it.

 

I do...

 

I've seen it time and time again. Oh he's so abusive so I had to cheat.

 

I need someone to meet my issues, he just doesnt understand me.

 

I see through the bullcrap. Why are you ladies so naive to not ask the hard questions. Be for real!!!

[Parasailing01]

Thanks so much BB07, I just want to do the right thing. Right now I need to figure out whether I wait for my H to go to individual counseling and see if he can figure out his problems or if I get up and leave now? never an easy choice but needless to say I need to make a choice. Being in limbo is giving me major stress and I am really having a tough time, I appreciate everyone's support.

 

My therapist says to wait and see what he does in individual therapy, do I wait around in hope that he changes? doesn't this type of behavior stay with the person forever? I don't know, I have never been through this before? He says he is sorry, he loves me and wants to work on it which makes it even harder.

[BB07]

...Sounds like a revenge issue to me. my past history has nothing to do with yours. Let's not open the can of worms. I already know what your trying to do. Say im using what your doing as a reason to vent about issues in my past. etc.

 

You made a choice to sleep around. yes you did. let be clear but in reality...

 

If he was already emotionally abusive why create a situation and make it ten times worse. You think that when word of the affair gets out he wont be abusive more? Do you want to hurt him by withholding the information and when he sufficiently heals you pull the rug out from under him.

 

Sounds to me like you have alot of resentment. He's damned if he does, damned if he doesnt.

 

Again...You will not truly fix your marriage without all the cards on the table!!! Stop Lying to him about being faithful.

 

Again, he has a right to know! Wouldnt you like to be informed?

 

...Ask you a question if he found out concrete evidence of your A, what would you do then??? how can you possibly state, oh im waiting for the right time, when you witheld the truth about your activities for the longest.

 

You OWE him the truth!

 

 

BS on owing him the truth.......if he is as she says (ABUSIVE)......she doesn't owe him a f*%%ing thing. In fact telling him could be dangerous. Chrome.......you are so friggin hung up on her telling him the truth because that's the usual mantra around here that you can't see past your nose and again, you need to educate yourself about abuse before you offer dangerous advice on something you know nothing about, obviously.

[Parasailing01]

Chrome Barracuda,

 

I am not lying despite what you think, I really have been abused, started off very slow and now with the latest incident I have realized I have been getting this all along. If you read the things he has done to me you would see that this is exactly verbal/emotional abuse. I just am afraid and can't seem to make a decison one way or another, it is true, sad but true. I would never in a million years ever accuse my husband or anyone for that matter and say they were verbally abusive if they weren't. This is the first time I am experiencing it so it has taken me a little while to notice.

 

My indecison is taking forever because I don't know what to do? and from what I hear a lot of women stay in these realtaionships in hope of their partner changing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

BS on owing him the truth.......if he is as she says (ABUSIVE)......she doesn't owe him a f*%%ing thing. In fact telling him could be dangerous. Chrome.......you are so friggin hung up on her telling him the truth because that's the usual mantra around here that you can't see past your nose and again, you need to educate yourself about abuse before you offer dangerous advice on something you know nothing about, obviously.

 

BS BS BS BSBSBSBSBSBSBSBSB BS!

 

aND ANOTHER BS!

 

I'm gonna tell you why! she did not mention anything about her H, being abusive in her first post. Not a damn thing. Second if he was so abusive why the affair, why didnt she just leave first.you dont create problems by making it worse! she could have left before she made it worst. why cant he know what she did! it's only fair to know what your spouse is doing! it's not right being in the dark

 

Let's ask this if her husband was getting tucking in the read by another dude, shouldnt she know? Shouldnt she be owed the truth!

 

i simply DO NOT believe her story. too many holes and justifications for her to feel good about what she has done. and not a word about what she has done.

 

It takes two. why all the focus on the bad things he has done and yet hold no mirror to your own face!?

 

Answer that! dammit.

[BB07]

Thanks so much BB07, I just want to do the right thing. Right now I need to figure out whether I wait for my H to go to individual counseling and see if he can figure out his problems or if I get up and leave now? never an easy choice but needless to say I need to make a choice. Being in limbo is giving me major stress and I am really having a tough time, I appreciate everyone's support.

 

My therapist says to wait and see what he does in individual therapy, do I wait around in hope that he changes? doesn't this type of behavior stay with the person forever? I don't know, I have never been through this before? He says he is sorry, he loves me and wants to work on it which makes it even harder.

 

 

Look hon.......you need to stop seeing the AP. You can't work on a marriage and see someone else at the same time nor can you address the issues you have from being in a abusive relationship. Now as to if the marriage is savable.......do some research on emotionally abusive men by searching google, It's is a good place to start. Here is one link. If that is the kind of man you are with.....it's highly unlikely that he will change, those are just the facts.

 

Take care.

[Parasailing01]

Thanks so much BB07, I appreciate you understanding. It will be dangerous and I am not doing it.

 

Chrome Barracuda,

 

I did not say anything in my first post because I did not even recognize the abuse up until that point until it has gotten worse. I have had friends and family tell me they believe it is abuse but I was trying not to believe it.

 

Sorry you do not understand but I am taking it slow and thinking this through.

[BB07]

BS BS BS BSBSBSBSBSBSBSBSB BS!

 

aND ANOTHER BS!

 

I'm gonna tell you why! she did not mention anything about her H, being abusive in her first post. Not a damn thing. Second if he was so abusive why the affair, why didnt she just leave first.you dont create problems by making it worse! she could have left before she made it worst. why cant he know what she did! it's only fair to know what your spouse is doing! it's not right being in the dark

 

Let's ask this if her husband was getting tucking in the read by another dude, shouldnt she know? Shouldnt she be owed the truth!

 

i simply DO NOT believe her story. too many holes and justifications for her to feel good about what she has done. and not a word about what she has done.

 

It takes two. why all the focus on the bad things he has done and yet hold no mirror to your own face!?

 

Answer that! dammit.

 

Chrome.......maybe she is lying, maybe she is not. There is no way for you to know nor will I know for sure......BUT if she is with an abusive man, you are certainly giving her the wrong advice.

 

Why is it so important that you are right? :eek: She deserves the benefit of the doubt and wouldn't you feel bad, if she was hurt because of your interference? This is serious stuff here Chrome.......it's a real life, so for all intents and purposes, it will not hurt you to believe her. If you don't......then just stay away if it makes you angry.

[Parasailing01]

I have not seen this person I was having an affair with for approx 2 months now, no contact whatsoever.

 

I have researched and he does have some of those characteristics, not all. Yeah, I don't believe they will change.

 

I just need to make a decision.

 

Thanks so much for your advice, I truly appreciate it. You take care as well.

[BB07]

I have not seen this person I was having an affair with for approx 2 months now, no contact whatsoever.

 

I have researched and he does have some of those characteristics, not all. Yeah, I don't believe they will change.

 

I just need to make a decision.

 

Thanks so much for your advice, I truly appreciate it. You take care as well.

 

 

You are welcome.......and take care and keep posting if you need to.

[Parasailing01]

Thanks so much, it is people like you that really matter and help those out that need help, you have helped me. I will keep posting, thanks again!

[Chrome Barracuda]

...You do not compound problems by making problems on top of them.

 

She recognized it was emotional abuse after the affair? Yeah really!!?

 

I DIDNT SAY STAy WITH HIM!

 

If she stays, she stays, if she leaves, she leaves.

 

but it's her choice. everything has been her choice.

 

You believe what she writes i know better.

 

Havent you noticed the similar patterns with cheating spouses and the same issues here on this board??? I see it. as clear as day! why cant you?

 

And if i go into it, trust me it'll spiral out of control.

 

I simply Do Not believe her!

 

That's like me being a criminal right, and knowing there's a citywide manhunt. I shoot a cop point blank in the face in the middle of times square on a camera!

 

See what im saying? she's hedging her bets. Her first post said it all.

 

And ive said my peace. i for one simply do not believe her story.

 

WS's will lie, deceive, blameshift, gaslight, and manipulate the situation to their benefit.

 

The truth isnt overrated...

[BB07]

...You do not compound problems by making problems on top of them.

 

She recognized it was emotional abuse after the affair? Yeah really!!?

 

I DIDNT SAY STAy WITH HIM!

 

If she stays, she stays, if she leaves, she leaves.

 

but it's her choice. everything has been her choice.

 

You believe what she writes i know better.

 

Havent you noticed the similar patterns with cheating spouses and the same issues here on this board??? I see it. as clear as day! why cant you?

 

And if i go into it, trust me it'll spiral out of control.

 

I simply Do Not believe her!

 

That's like me being a criminal right, and knowing there's a citywide manhunt. I shoot a cop point blank in the face in the middle of times square on a camera!

 

See what im saying? she's hedging her bets. Her first post said it all.

 

And ive said my peace. i for one simply do not believe her story.

 

WS's will lie, deceive, blameshift, gaslight, and manipulate the situation to their benefit.

 

The truth isnt overrated...

 

Nothing wrong with the truth, in fact every thing that is good and honorable is truthful.

 

Chrome.....it's highly likely that it's as she said, she may not have recognized that she was being abused. It's usually a gradual thing and it's not like someone hits you with a 2x4. Hit me with a 2x4 and damn right I'm gonna know that you should not have done that, but emotional abusers are often times sneaky, manipulative and they don't do it in such a way that it's completely obvious, especially at the beginnings of it. Believe me......I know what I'm talking about.

[Parasailing01]

Has anyone out there ever been emotionally abused, is this what my husband is doing to me, I feel it is but I am not sure, if so, can people change or does this type of behavior stay?

[BB07]

Has anyone out there ever been emotionally abused, is this what my husband is doing to me, I feel it is but I am not sure, if so, can people change or does this type of behavior stay?

 

 

Describe some of the examples.

[Woggle]

I apologize in advance if she is telling the truth but I am highly skeptical when cheating women pull out the abuse card. They will do anything to make their husbands look bad in order to justify an affair.

[Parasailing01]

1. When I was in the hospital after a really bad car accident, my husband decided to bring in a credit card bill (my husband has been a bit financially controlling as well), he showed it to me and asked where some of the charges came from (our bill was about $500), he was very angry at me and the bill consisted of household items (groceries, doctor bills, etc.) I was stunned, not already feeling well, why would someone who is supposed to love you do that to you?

 

2. Asks me quite a bit, "What is it you do for the family?" I work part-time, take care of my 2 young children, clean the house, grocery shoppping and tons of ther things? don't feel I have to answer to that, I feel he does not respect me.

 

3. 2 times I remember specifically we were having sex and he got angry because I stopped, one time my sister-in law was in town and showed up early at out door so I went to get the door and the other time, I felt very uncomfortable as to my surroundings. He was angry for several days.

 

4. I would go grocery shopping and buy groceries on with our joint account, I would come home and he would say "what did you do that for, now we won't be able to pay our mortgage?" we do well and we will be able to pay our mortgage! so, instead of the joint account the next time I put it 5credit card bill was higher? I couldn't win! I would go grocery shopping and have panic attacks because I was not sure how I should pay for the groceries. I did ask him how he wanted me to do so and he said I don't know, do what you want.

 

5. His mother was down visiting at the time my kids were younger and I was so sick (flu), I had to stay up in bed while he was downstairs tending to the kids and his mom. He got mad at me because I would not come downstairs to help with the kids and entertain his mom?

 

6. Just recently (last week) we went to a function for work and I asked him if we could spend more time together than we did last year, he said ok. So, he was gone most of the time and at the end of the event I asked him where he went and why we did not spend that much time together. Well, I drove home that night and he went crazy! He got very angry with me and started yelling at me, he said, you are so f.....g stupid for 30 minutes until we got home! He also opened up the card door and told me to let him out (I did not) but he wanted to get out. The next day he apologized and he bought me a gift. Once I got the gift he expected me to forget teh whole thing ever happened. We discussed this at the therpists office and he was upset but he was not sure what triggered that or why it happened nor the rest of the stuff he has done to me. So, he will now be going to individual therapy.

 

Not sure whether to wait and stay to see if therapy helps and he changes or begin the leave now.

 

As always, thanks for your comments.

[Parasailing01]

Woggle, you don't know me and I can see where you would think that but I am not justifying an affair, it was wrong but all of this info I am sharing is completely true, not trying to cover up for the affair. The affair is wrong and the verbal abuse is what I am truly trying to get through right now.

[deux ex machina]

Has anyone out there ever been emotionally abused, is this what my husband is doing to me, I feel it is but I am not sure, if so, can people change or does this type of behavior stay?

 

I only feel that I can respond to the bold part.

 

If a person is abusive, they are self-centered and have a sense of entitlement that is unlikely to change. They see what they are doing, they understand that it's cruel, they just don't have a problem with it - as long as it works for them.

 

They will use any excuse to keep being the way they are, such as a bad childhood, anger issues, that they've been done dirty, ect., to justify what they are doing.

 

But there is no justification. When they need to act properly, somehow, they manage to do it.

 

Everyone has fights, disagreements; shows their worst side, and their best, within relationships.

 

Abuse is altogether different than that. The typical abusive person believes the World owes them something.

[Parasailing01]

Hello BB07 and others,

 

I gave examples of what my husband has done, is this verbal/emotional abuse? If so, am I being too judgmental? After being married for 12 years I start doubting myself and questioning whether or not this behavior is normal? I really could use you all as "thought partners". I am currently seeing a therapist but I sure would like others opinions as well. Thanks!

[BB07]

Hello Parasailing01,

 

Regarding the examples you gave, (thanks), #1 through #5, it appears as if he is being an azz and yes controlling, being controlling can be seen as abuse. You will have to decide for yourself as to the nature of it and the circumstances surrounding it and how often it occurs as to whether it is an issue. #6, name calling and the rest of that episode......YES definitely. Here is a good test for you take to help you determine for yourself.

[Parasailing01]

Thanks so much BB07, you have been through this whole thing with me and I truly appreciate every bit of info you give, it really helps me out.

 

Yes, my husband does not think he is controlling but I feel uncomfortable with the things he does. When I bring them up he gets mad and says I am always finding fault with him, I am really not.

 

I don't want my kids to grow up like this or be around someone who treats his Mom like this and I guess this is the way I need to look at it.

 

It will hurt to leave if that is the choice I make but it would really be and for my kids to grow up watching their father treat me the way he does.

 

I want only the best for my kids, it is tough to move in either direction but I have to start doing so. My therapist says to wait and see how he does in therapy but I feel I may be wasting my time, he may or may not change and that feeling of Fear will always be there.

 

Wow, I will tell you one thing, life has many twists and turns, NEVER in a million years did I ever think I would be going through this, NEVER. I believe I would be foolish to stay, I want to live my life with someone who cares for me and treats my kids and I well, so I will give it more time. The time and taking this slowly has given me the opportunity to really think things through.

 

By the way the website is great, thank you and thanks to you all who have given me their opinions/advice, keep it coming because it really helps!

[Parasailing01]

I went to the therapist today and we discussed many things. I asked if people who dish out verbal abuse change? My therapist said they have to be willing to change but most do not. My therapist says it takes a long time. So, do I wait it out or leave? I am leaning more towards the side of leaving,

 

what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Parasailing01]

I just spoke with my husband and he is upset, wants me to stay with him but still is not sure why he does the things he does to me?

 

He says he loves me and does not want to lose being with me.

 

He is going to set up individual counseling, hmmmmm........... what to do what to do?

 

Why am I feeling sorry for him, why??????????????

 

Feeling sorry for him makes it harder to make a decison, does that make sense?

[sugarmomma]

P no one here can make that type of decision for you. You have to search your own heart and examine your situation carefully, especially since you know it best. We don't know you or all the details of what's goin on.

 

What do YOU want for your future and your life??