its been 3 months and i still think of her every day

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

Hi looking for some advice and help. Me and my ex girlfriend are both 24, broke up 3 months ago and where together for 2 years and i have never been happier i dont think i will ever be able to feel the same way about some one else i thought she was perfect for me. We didnt live together but we had been talking about it and a month before the breakup she asked me to start saving money so we could get a flat together even told me she had never been happier in a relationship, then all of a sudden she started acting funny with me, didnt want to see me as much and then ended it about 3 weeks later.

 

she said it was because i wasnt the person i was when we got together and i had lost all my drive and just wanted to be single for a while. she was right i had lost my drive, i finished uni a year earlyer and had been unable to find a job in my proffesion due to the current economical climate and had settled in to a bar job that just got me by and to be honest i had been happy just to get by with it because i had her and she was all i really cared about. the other thing was because we didnt go out much other than going out for meals and she loved going to bars and clubs and i didnt really like it at the time and never really went with her.

 

all the things she told me where the reasons for the breakup i could have changed and started straight away making myself a better person because she was right. i stopped smoking weed which i know was a big problem when we where together, started going to the gym, gave up smoking cigeretts and started going to bars and clubs which now i find i really enjoy, lost the extra weight i was carrying and started toning up and eating healthy. im still at the bar job but now doing extra exams so when the job market does get better im in a good position to do what i studied for.

 

After the breakup i just wanted her back and kept calling her not begging for her back just to chat really then a month after the break up i found out she had started seeing another guy, this really got to me and i couldnt understand it, she said she wanted to be single for a while and i tried to talk to her saying how much i loved her, sending her emails and long text messages. she got really annoyed at this and told me to stop so i did. then i seen her out about a month later and i have never felt so bad i just wanted to hold her again and for the next couple of says couldnt get her out of my head at all, so i sent her another email saying how i had changed and that i still love her as much as ever, told her a 100 things i knew about her that no one else knows. her reply was "thanks that was really nice but im happy now"

 

its been a month since then and i have good days and bad days thinking about her but still think about her every day, the past couple of days have been really bad days. I still love her so much and i have tried to move on and just concentrate on myself but i miss her i feel like a part of me is missing without her in my life. i dont think i will be able to feel the same way i do about her with anybody else.

 

what should i do? should i tell her again how i feel and give it another shot even tho she is still with this other guy? or should i leave it and try this no contact thing for longer? the main thing is i belive that if she could get to see how much i have changed since we split up that she would want to be with me again but unless she agrees to give it another go she will never get to see that. i belive that i could make her happier than any one else ever could and i belive no one could make me feel as happy as she made me.

[EthanH]

I have been in a pretty similar situation to you. It is completely natural what you are feeling. The problem is, and this is the main thing I want you to try and grasp...you cannot do anything... so the idea that somehow telling her again how you feel would help is totally delusional... do you honestly think she doesn't know how you feel? Do you honestly feel she doesn't know you could change and things might be better? She knows all of this, but ultimately, she has chosen to walk away from you and the chance of anything. I know that is really hard to grasp, it is really hard to understand, it is hard if you look back and remember all the things she said to you when you were together, surely that meant something, right? It did, but that was then, she has changed her views on things. Put it this way, don't doubt there was a time when she really liked you, don't doubt that splitting up with you was very difficult for her, especially when she knew how much you liked her... the one thing she could have done to make that pain go away after she broke up with you was to get closer to you, she had the urge to be close to you, AND YET she still chose not to... so she must be so very strong-willed that it wasn't what she wanted.

 

I think you need to accept that there is someone out there who will make you happy. Everyone in the world gets broken up with at least a few times (the ones who don't, well, they are needy with needy partners or unlucky (unlucky because their lives must be so boring))...and everyone thinks the same as you 'he/she made me so happy, how can anyone ever compare to that?'... and the only thing stopping you is that thought, it will make you compare everyone you are with to her, and it won't make you happy. You need to ask yourself, do you want to be happy, and if the answer is yes, there is only one thing you can do, to start being positive for the future, even though the sky may look grey at the moment, things will change and you will look back and pity yourself for being so down for such a long time. Fight against what i have said if you want, but this is what 99% of people get told when they are in your situation, and 99% of the time they fight it, but there is a reason everyone gives this advice, because it is true. Move on with your life, make yourself a better person, don't waste time being down because it isn't going to solve anything, you get nothing for hours of moping around, and put it this way, the only way you have any chance of her wanting you back, is for you to be up on your feet and looking attractive. That is not to say your actions should be with her in mind, it should be for you, but if that is a bonus which you get from this, then great, who knows, by the time that happens you might be a more confident person who doesn't want her...

[northstar1]

Well said EthanH. It sounds like you're doing better and starting to understand things from a better perspective.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

I hear what you are saying and do agree with you in alot of ways but the thing is i have been getting on with my life and bettering myself all round, and i havnt been moping about since the first couple of weeks. but my mind just always seems to drift to her, and working in a bar nearly every song makes me think about the break up especially this new one by the script "the man who cant be moved" i feel like him! and i know that sounds pathetic but its how i feel. i just dont know what to do here, because i know your right i have had the same advice off alot of my friends and the things im doing are helping get over her and i know im moving on in my life but like i said my mind just keeps drifting back to her. this is the thing, i want her back and i have accepted she doesnt want to be with me, she's with this other guy. but what can i do when i feel like this? im already doing everything you said and have been for about 10 weeks but i keep thinking about her, i mean when i feel this strongly about her still after 3 months should i really just let her go? keep up this no contact thing on the hope she will start to miss me when i havnt been in touch for a while and at the same time try to findsome one else to move on completly. or should i fight for it because christ ive never wanted to fight for anything as much as i do this. and i know i cant just tell her how i feel because i tried that and it didnt work, i dont know if i should send her flowers, write her a poem, send her her favourite sweets buy an engagment ring. and i know how all that sounds and if you knew me you wouldnt beleive what i was saying, but god i love this girl and i belive love is worth fighting for, even if at the end of it all its still a big no, i havnt lost anything more than i already have, but the only thing stopping me doing these type of things is the fear of pushing her further away from me.

 

and i just want to add that this isnt the first time i have been in love, i was with a girl for 4 years and she ended it and at the end of that relationship we both knew it was for the best. I was with a girl for year who i loved but we met on holiday and lived in diffrent countrys and i had to end it because the way i thought my career was going i didnt think i would be able to see her for a long time and god doing that was so hard

but nothing like this. the thing im getting at here is that both of my previuos major relationships to this one when they ended although it was hard yes i never felt the way i do now and after 3 months i wasnt thinking of them every day, yes they got the odd thought but nothing like this.

 

just want to say thanks for reading and your advice its apreciated alot.

[EskimoPassingBy]

My circumstances are almost identical to yours. I know how you feel as I was(still am) caught up in my last break up which was also my first. Like you, she was my first love. For me, it has been 6 months. What you have to realise is that you don't do no contact just for the sake of wanting her to miss you and come back. Personally, I don't think you should fight to get her back. Something that has been broken before can never be the same. Cope with the grief as it will make you a stronger person and will no doubt teach you a few life lessons. Understand the feelings you're having now; Are you hurting because you're so used to thinking about her that it became subconscious? If so, do other activities that you enjoy so that you develop new things to think about. I know that its harder said than done. I tried no contact with my ex for the same reason you're contemplating on. In the end, I broke no contact because I knew my reasons for doing it were wrong. In fact, I did a lot of mistakes on the break up that I wished I didn't (taught me some valuable experiences). The mistakes I did were exactly the same as yours, I couldn't handle my emotions and kept trying to talk to her which annoyed her. This totally destroyed any chance of reconciliation. One thing you need to think about is that, perhaps you don't miss her as a person but you miss having someone there for you? I understand for me that the memories we had together is what makes my feelings linger for her but it also made me question myself whether I actually still love her as a person or just miss the past memories that can never happen again.

 

Stop blaming yourself is a way to start. Like you, my ex laid all the blame on me for the failure in our r/s. Realise that all these are just justifications she found AFTER deciding to break up with you. Don't accept everything she pushes on you. Look at it deeper.

 

Whatever advice we give you, ultimately you're still the one that controls yourself. I know that I came here seeking for advice but was unable to follow them due to my emotions being in control. There will always be something good that comes out of anything bad. For example, I got to know who my true friends are. Those who were there for me. I am sure you will look back at this in future and realise the good that came out of this.

 

P.S. Don't force yourself into no-contact or force yourself into being friends with her for the hope of getting her back. I became friends with mine again and recently found myself having a crush on her again. But realised that the grief actually isn't there anymore. It will go away, trust me .

 

P.P.S Ignore the fact I mentioned first love. Misread your sentence. But majority of my advice can still apply . Go into NC if you think you can really handle it and not break NC.

Edited May 18, 2010 by EskimoPassingBy

[amz]

Dude....

 

You need to let it go its over! im sorry for you feeling like this i know that pain and its horrible.

 

You can't keep wanting to send her flowers or poems etc she knows how you feel but she does not care "I know that might hurt' But its the truth and you need the truth you need to open your eyes and move on.

 

The more you try to "Convince" her that your the one and you being together it will not work it will push her away even more. Just leave her alone and move on if you were meant to be then she will come back.

 

Shouldnt the fact of her being with someone else make you angry and sick? use that as your ammunition to get over her and say "**** Her"

 

You need to walk away be strong have pride don't show her that your a weak and needy loser. Because trust me mate once you are gone and i mean really gone it will hit her one day. She will start to realise that your not trying to send her poems or keep ringing her or telling her how much you love her and she will start to wonder what ever happend to you and then BOOM you will be in her mind and thats when it all starts....she will miss you and be very curious about what your doing ETC. I have done alot of study on this and it works.

 

Get her out of your head! get her out of your system. Don't let her think that she can have you whenever she wants.

 

Im sorry for sounding harsh or like a bitch but you need to hear it. I have my heart ripped out and thrown in front of a truck 6 weeks ago today NC for a month and you know what? i still love her i still miss her every song reminds me of her i dream of her everynight and hope one day she will come back! but there is no way in hell i will let her know that or contact her because i know one day she will realise what a good girl she had. Its hard trust me its the hardest thing i had to do but NEVER SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE ****ED UP OVER IT. You just have to wake up everyday get yourself out of bed and keep on going.

 

Just remember she is with someone else. Be cool and accept it.

 

Good things come to people who wait.

 

Take care and keep us updated.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

eskimo, i miss this girl because i believed with every thing i had that she was the 1 and although i know i have been in love before nothing was like how i felt for this girl. you are right about everything not being my fault, she could have talked to me about the way she was feeling but comunication on that type of thing was always a issue for her, she would prefer to ignore a problem and hope it would just go away.

 

amz, when i think of her being with this other guy yes it makes me feel angery and sick, if i ever happen to see him i dont know what i would do, i know what i would like to do. i try not to think about it because yes it makes me hate her, i wonder if something was going on before she split up with me, it makes me feel like what we had ment nothing to her because she started dating him just 3 weeks after we broke up, when at that time i would have still felt like i was cheating on her i mean how could she do that so soon? ive just got really angery writing that! And the thing is im not an angery person i cant name one person i hate (except this new guy) and i dont want to end up hating some one who i loved so much.

 

Guys thanks for your advice but im already doing what your telling me to do, amz you said i need to let it go and im trying, i try not to think of her and thats kind of goes with the no contact thing. i think i wont have contact for 1 month and in this time i wont let my self think about her, and at the end of it i will see how i feel. now this is the second time i have gone a month with no contact and i feel the same. All i want is her back in my life.

 

what more can i do? im not sitting around thinking of her all the time, i started going to the gym which im loving, ive started playing football again, im loving work because all the girls there are telling me how good im looking all the time after i started going to the gym, im studying for exams that will emprove my career prospects, im going to bars and clubs when ever my friends are. but even with all this my mind just drifts back to her.

 

And i know im not the only one who has ever felt like this but i was just expecting after 3 months to have moved on and got over the fact that she doesnt want to be with me any more. but i havnt and because i havnt it makes me think that she is the 1. and i want to reach out and tell her how i feel. but like i said i did that a month ago and got a no. so i guess i will keep up the no contact thing and hope my feelings for her go away, but what if they dont? what if i still feel like this in a month or 2? am i really ment just to sit back and not try to at least get her back when my feelings for her are so strong. I mean do woman not like attention? if i sent her some flowers with a packet of her favourite sweets (which this guy wont know because i found them) would she not smile and think that it was nice that i was still thinking of her? would that not make her think of me?

 

Thanks again for reading and any replys

[amz]

You don't wanna send her flowers your not her boyfriend anymore she has a new one if you do that it might freak her out.

 

If you love something let it go and if its meant to be she will come back.

 

End of the day its your call and how you want to handle it but you really need to let it go and move on.

 

Don't contact her after a month because its going to **** you up when she blows you off AGAIN or does not reply. And your back at square one!!!

 

Move on with your life saying to yourself "SHE IS NEVER COMING BACK"

Don't get your hopes up if she wants you she will contact you.

 

You have done all you can.

 

You don't wanna be that creepy ex that is always trying to send flowers and hang on.

 

Be strong.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

i know i shouldnt send her flowers or anything like that i just want her to think of me and know i still care and think of her i guess. and your right i dont want to be the creepy ex but god just wish i could get her out of my head. guess its no contact then, dont know why im going to ask this because i think i already know the answer but would it be bad for me to give her a ring just to see how shes doing?

[amz]

Why do you want to ring her?

 

Is she trying to ring you? NO is she trying to contact you? NO

 

Is she telling you how much she loves you? how much of a huge mistake she made leaving you? NOOOO

 

She does not care at the moment she is with somebody else

 

You really need to let it go

 

I know it hurts and you can't get you out of her head but you have to do it before you become obsessed with her.

 

Im like you, i always have these strong urges to contact my ex but whats the point? they are not contacting you THEY DON'T CARE.

 

And they don't want to hear you from you.

 

Please trust me and other LS members, you must leave her alone and move on its over!

 

If its meant to be then its meant to be, if you want to talk private with me i can help you....just let me know.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

i know i need to get her out of my head but thats easier said than done, i want to ring her because i still care about her even if we are not together. my first love who i was with for 4 years i still class her as one of my best friends i even met her last night when i was out just for a catch up and a drink, and when this relationship ended she was there for me and helped me get through it at my lowest points. thanks for offer of talking in prvt amz but i dont think it would do any good, im not depressed or anything like that my only problem is that my thoughts keep driffting back to her and i dont really know what to do about it but from the advice i have got on here i will just have to leave it and carry on doing what im doing. if she is ever going to come back to me it will be when she starts to miss me, and what im scared of there is if that does ever happen and its when i have got over her completly i couldnt let hher back into my life because of the pain she has caused me now.

[ALombard]

Hey man, I'm sorry for how you're feeling but stop it NOW! You sound whiney, you say you're doing everything the other guys have been telling you to do but you must not be. You wouldn't be this devastated if you were.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh man but I recently just went through the same thing a month ago but my situation was sped up. Girl of 5 years left me and 3 days later was with another guy. I did exactly what you did, I called, I cried, I begged, I pleaded and I got nothing out of it.

 

You need to seriously look back on the bad times you had, it helped me. I thought my ex was a goddess, best thing in my life ever until a few days ago. Now I have no desire, wish or reason to talk to her. YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EX OFF THAT PILLAR! She isn't that great, no one is. Women come and go man, I talk to people double my age and when I tell them what happened to me they laugh. You know why because in 20 years none of this will matter! In fact in 2 years this won't matter.

 

I know that feeling you have, it's empty and it's lonely. I see you keep saying she's the one and you won't feel the same way about anyone but come on....seriously? I thought my ex WAS IT, the last girl I was ever gonna be with. I was wrong and I have honestly met better girls in the last week of not talking to her. Stop thinking there's no one out there, it's just your ego man. You feel like crap because she's with someone else and you're not. Once you find someone else she won't matter anymore.

 

So please stop pinning over her. It isn't worth it, she isn't worth your time or the space in your head. Realize the bad things she has done to you through out the relationship and eventually something will snap and you'll be over it. You'll still miss her but you won't want anything to do with her.

[northstar1]

Good reply Lombard.

 

It's hard to let go, but there will be other girls, trust me. I had a terrible breakup a few years ago, went into depression, thought I'd lost the one girl in mylife and you know what? A few years later, I honestly don't care what she is up to or who she is with. I moved on, let go, stopped talkign to her, and did end up dating again.

 

You have to pick yourself up. Someone once gave me this analogy to healing and waiting for an ex.

 

Think about if you are going to the airport for a flight. Traffic is bad and you just miss your flight as the gate closes and the plane starts to leave.

Sure, you're sad, mad at yourself for missing it. But that plane is leaving one way or another and you aren't going to be on it.

 

You have two choices. You can sit around the lounge and wait and be upset and hope that the plane comes back for you (which it won't), or youcan get off your ass, go up to the desk and look for a new flight. Sure it won't be the same damn plane, but it will be taking you where you want to go , which is the ultimate goal, and that is happiness.

[ALombard]

EXACTLY!

 

You have to listen to us man, I mean even northstar can vouche for me. He read my early posts, I was a complete wreck. Not eating, not sleeping, drinking. My mind would change constantly, I would hate her, then want her back and so on. I will tell you the day I knew I was done is when she called me and I finally just said, "leave me alone, i'm done with you." And I was honest about it!

 

I will still love her, just not the same way. I'll still think about her and worry about her because she was a big part of my life but I also know that eventually (and please don't get desperate and force yourself into anything) I will find someone. As will you. Every great relationship I've been in I just stumbled across.

 

So keep working on yourself, keep going to the gym man. Do things you weren't able to do because of her, and believe me there are things. I just took up BJJ classes and piano lessons because now without her I have time and can afford it. Better yourself for you and your confidence will be visible to others and honestly women love confidence.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

i like the airport thing northstar, thanks. yes i know you guys are right and im not devistated any about it i was for the first month maybe 2, christ in the second month i had like a week dreaming of her like every night, always the same sort of thing we would make up and start kissing even had sex in a couple of them. waking up after thoes dreams was so hard when i realised they werent real. but now im not thinking like i was then just for some reason i think of her and like you said about your ex she was such a big part of your life just like mine was so i know its normal for me to think of her and how shes doing. i just wish i could have 1 day without her popping into my head for whatever reason.

 

i know this will stop and when i meet someone else these thoughts will go away. and your right about doing new things im seriously considering moving abroad once i have finished these last exams which is something i always wanted to do but couldnt when i was with her.

 

thanks for all the advice