Does a separation actually work?

[aloneinmyhead]

I'm just curious if anyone has any positive feedback on separations? I'm reading through all of the stories on here, and have posted my own, but I'm not finding any real success stories. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong forum? I think I'm just trying to look for some reassurance that there is hope for my marriage at this point and this isn't just a step towards divorce.

[carhill]

Opinion varies but I can say our MC was against separation. 'You don't work on a marriage while living separate lives' were his words. Having had a short separation during the MC process, along with a much longer one while divorcing, I see little difference in the dynamics. It was (and is) just *easier* to do what one does and start living as a single person again. YMMV

[just_some_guy]

It depends on what "actually work" means.

 

Does a separation guarantee a happy, re-united marriage down the road? Absolutely not.

 

In my case, NOT separating would have guaranteed a very emotional, angry, storming out of the door, screaming foul names at each other, breaking things, nasty divorce.

 

By separating, we are now dis-entangled enough to gain some perspective with each other. It has been difficult and we're working on our issues a little at a time. There can be no reconciliation without discovering, defining and working on our issues. There are lots of individual issues that need work as well. So there's been individual counseling and couples counseling.

 

Honestly, it has been a positive step for me. It was a tremendous relief from what was an untenable relationship. For her, it has been more difficult, but in reality, I see a lot of progress for her as well.

 

For myself, success would be judged on whether the separation promotes individual growth and healing and both getting into a better place emotionally. Whether that means going our separate ways or reconciling is secondary.

 

I disagree with your therapist and I think a lot of therapists would also disagree too.

[carhill]

TBH, at my age, I'm not interested in making tedious progress over years while supporting two separate households. We went to MC for 14 months, both learning a lot from it, and decided we were incompatible as long-term partners. No vases were broken in the process, though the lawn mower did make an unscheduled exit from the back of my truck one time.

 

Since I've had a lot of long-time married friends, I'll be happy to report back the positive results of long-term separations. So far, everyone in my social group who has separated for more than a couple months has divorced. These are marriages all exceeding ten years in length and some twenty years. Some had MC. Some did not.

 

During our separation, one of us was always the proactive one. That was me. I cared more. It was stbx who suggested ending MC. With a more balanced partnership, perhaps we could have recovered. But then, with a more balanced partnership, we likely wouldn't have separated in the first place. IMO, that's instructive. BTW, I was the more 'emotional' one.

 

I guess the only way to know is to go through it. Everyone is different. I certainly won't presume to speak for most people or most psychologists, but respect that you do.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Remember..nothing on these post is 100% etched in stone as having the same outcome...if 1 out of 100 separations reconcile and have an even happier marriage then it was worth it to that 1 individual...and gives some sort of hope to the other 99 who want to reconcile...I guess it comes down to how long one waits and how the stbx feels about it.

[carhill]

BTW, in the year since we started divorce proceedings, I feel a lot healthier emotionally and spiritually. Stbx is just another stranger I'm finishing up legal stuff with, no different than the business people I deal with. Once she pushed me away with 'separation', what love I had for her died. Gone. Separating from her also helped me see other unhealthy loves and end those emotional ties as well. A real cleansing process. A ten year marriage doesn't end on a whim, regardless of the path. If separation can help some of my friends currently in marital distress to recover, I'll be right at their side supporting *their* perspective, while sharing the realities of my own. IMO, that's what friends do for each other.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Carhill excellent point on helping friends...my wife of 17 yrs initiated our separation and what once was a tremendous need to get back together is now gone...it makes me wonder if my need was due to the guilt I felt my daughters would suffer of not having the original parents in the same household although that emotion will never leave me..on the friend slant I am amazed at those who are having marriage issues when I could have sworn they were all happily married...they are still shocked that me and my wife are currently separated...I find unlike my wifes friends that I can give them unbiased opinions and advice whether they take all,part or none of it is up to them.

[carhill]

I've focused, at this juncture with two distinct cases, on the concept of acceptance and getting outside help. As reported in prior posts, with one particular spouse, I re-direct her to speak about such issues *with her husband*. We did better with boundaries this past weekend. I also encouraged her/will support her to get professional help with her drinking issues, a subject which she proactively broached. My words were 'I'm thinking club soda is going to be my drink of choice in the future, since I want to see you achieve your goal. I know your husband will support you in it. You can work on it together'. Unfortunately, this one, a near-silver, with past affairs on both sides, might be a goner, separation or not. From my observance, there still appears to be love on both sides, so I'm hopeful.

[aloneinmyhead]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I am hoping we can be that 1 in 100 couple. And I agree 100% on the support from and for friends. So the more I read about what a separation actually involves I think we may have went into it a little blind. I keep seeing that we need to set a time frame, establish guidelines for what we are doing during the separation - wether it be MC or dating or whatever, and establish how money is going to be handled, things like that. We entered it as she said she needed a break so I gave it to her. Is it too late to set up these guidelines or are they not really all that necessary? I know we both still love each other so I'm not willing to give up but I'm not sure what I need to do from here?

[GFORCE]

Its been close to a month today for me. I am yet to see how its beneficial. Offcourse now we dont argue cause i dont see her. I dont even know where she lives. I miss her TERRIBLY.

Today she wants to know where i live without letting me know where she lives. I dont know.

[GFORCE]

a lion in my head im also PRAYING( yes im a Christian) that ill also be that 1 couple in 100. its impossible to man but not to God. In my opinion a short break may be good to work on issues. By short i mean a month or two at the most.

My wife has signed a 6 month lease somwehere. Now I think thats too long. Dont forget that when your apart, you both get tempted. Its easy to give into temptation at this point.

Im sorry to hear about your case.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I am hoping we can be that 1 in 100 couple. And I agree 100% on the support from and for friends. So the more I read about what a separation actually involves I think we may have went into it a little blind. I keep seeing that we need to set a time frame, establish guidelines for what we are doing during the separation - wether it be MC or dating or whatever, and establish how money is going to be handled, things like that. We entered it as she said she needed a break so I gave it to her. Is it too late to set up these guidelines or are they not really all that necessary? I know we both still love each other so I'm not willing to give up but I'm not sure what I need to do from here?

 

 

Our therapist said that the environment in our house had become so toxic that she suggested a "healing seperation" until we were better able to deal with things. We were told to move out for awhile and then start integrating our time together, first through dating and then other means. I think seperation can work if there is a plan to actually work on issues.

 

In our case we simply ceased our toxic behaviour, but it hasn't been easy.

[carhill]

Is it too late to set up these guidelines or are they not really all that necessary? I know we both still love each other so I'm not willing to give up but I'm not sure what I need to do from here?

 

IMO, establish clear 'guidelines', whether within MC (my preference) or absent it. Write them down. One which IMO clearly needs to be communicated is that of fidelity. No 'dating' or 'fraternizing' if one is working on their M. Regardless of domicile, the M is the priority. This presumes you wish to reconcile and have a healthy M.

 

If not done already, it's not too late to do. Clear communication and mirroring. Compromise. Practice for the future health of the M.

 

Good luck

[GFORCE]

My wife move dout after we started seeing a therapist. Once together and next times she went alone. I think they planted in her to separate.

These therapists destroy more homes then they fix.

If your both working on stuff yes. But when your apart and rarely calling each other you will INEVITABLY drift apart. OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND. You need to do things together.

Its my wifes birthday this week and im insisting on doing something special for her this weekend.

[aloneinmyhead]

"IMO, establish clear 'guidelines', whether within MC (my preference) or absent it. Write them down. One which IMO clearly needs to be communicated is that of fidelity. No 'dating' or 'fraternizing' if one is working on their M. Regardless of domicile, the M is the priority. This presumes you wish to reconcile and have a healthy M.

 

If not done already, it's not too late to do. Clear communication and mirroring. Compromise. Practice for the future health of the M. "

 

 

Carhill - Gotta say I'm 100% with you on this one. We've touched on the dating angle and I made it clear that I had no interest in any other women and she agreed that there is no way she would be ready to date someone. But we haven't actually laid out specifics and set hardlines. At this point I'm trusting her and her word since she's never shown me any reason not to.

 

GFORCE - I am truly sorry to hear what is going on with you. I hope that between the both of us we can make it 2 out of 100 Unfortunately I can't provide any insight since I'm in the middle of the same thing and relying on the experiences of the others here to help me through it.

[GFORCE]

Dont cheat. Its not right. It will complicate things.

[Steadfast]

I recall reading somewhere that the overwhelming majority of couples who separate go on to divorce. The number was over 90%.

 

Say what you will, but it's hard to imagine a marriage surviving when one or both of the parties involved would rather not live with the other.

 

I will say the chances would/could increase if the betrayed asks for some time alone to (truly! That's the key) sort out his/her feelings and resolve some issues. If it's the cheater who 'needs some time' apart, but sure they want the spouse out of their bed and the lover in it.

[just_some_guy]

I recall reading somewhere that the overwhelming majority of couples who separate go on to divorce. The number was over 90%.

 

Say what you will, but it's hard to imagine a marriage surviving when one or both of the parties involved would rather not live with the other.

 

I will say the chances would/could increase if the betrayed asks for some time alone to (truly! That's the key) sort out his/her feelings and resolve some issues. If it's the cheater who 'needs some time' apart, but sure they want the spouse out of their bed and the lover in it.

 

I'm separated and there's no cheating and no bed hopping. For me, the only thing I could think about more and more was getting out, out, out.

 

On the stats, I have no source to back it up, but presuming they're true, you can look at it that 10% of those headed for divorce reconciled after separating. I have to say, it is more common than I think is represented on this board.

 

It's a luxury, I admit, to be able to maintain two households. Some couples separate by sleeping in separate rooms in the same house.

[wish2b]

I am divorced so I may not be the answer you want. When my husband left, it was a "trial" thing. At least that is what I told him. But the truth was, I was done. Just too scared to admit to him or even myself. I helped him back and move and he kept saying "this doesn't feel temporary." He wanted reassurance. I couldn't give it to him.

 

For what I have seen in friends and in myself is that if the spouse tries to convince you that you will be fine and that the two of you just bring out the worst in each other, then they are probably on the road to being done in the relationship. I felt that if he could be ok, it would be easier for me to move on.

 

Nothing was easy. I could not handle the disrespect anymore. A man and a relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not bring you down. I needed to find myself again and become the person I was meant to be. I needed my children to see what love was supposed to be like.

 

Now, I am the one alone with NO REGRETS and he is the one happily involved in another relationship. Go figure. lol

[Chrome Barracuda]

when a woman seperates from a man... its over.

 

and G-force if you dont know where she lives what kind of bullcrap is that. dont get her anything and see a divorce lawyer.

 

How can you say here you dont know where your wife lives? WTF then why are you even married then.

 

When a man and woman wants seperation they often say oh i need to find myself. That BS. 90% of the time they want you out of the house so that way when they screw someone else they wont feel guilty about it.

 

...That's the bottom line.

[DadofTwoGirls]

and the other 9% are thinking about screwing someone else....it's that 1% that keeps the hope alive for some.

[wish2b]

Why is that women MUST be screwing someone else if they want to seperate? Why can't it be that they just are fulfilled emotionally in their relationship? My choice had nothing to do with screwing anyone. I guess I am the 1% that just wanted to make themselves happy again before someone ripped it all out of us.

[carhill]

IME, sexual activity is variable; sexual validation and sexual 'prospect', nearly a given. I've 'been' with enough married women to know this. This personal truth is why I mentioned the 'fidelity' agreement if a couple is to separate. No sense in working on the M while seeking sexual validation and activity with a third party.

 

If someone, male or female, is separated but agreeing to work on recovering their M, socializing with, flirting with, and being validated by the opposite sex really doesn't work in a healthy way to achieve that goal. It's 'inappropriate' (a word our MC used); a prioritization of a party other than one's spouse, even if situational. I've been that 'situation' for married women more times than I care to mention, unhealthily. MC taught me better boundaries and I 'get it' now.

 

When stbx and I were separated for a few months, she was living here (where I am right now, at my mom's (empty) house) and I lived at our other place. We hardly saw each other outside of MC and when I came here to visit. There really wasn't much interaction. We lived separate lives. I guess, for some, that could be healthy, but it wasn't for us. YMMV.

[DadofTwoGirls]

It's not that 'we' think women are screwing when wanting to leave 'us'...IMHO I want to believe she isn't (like most of us do) but 'we' believe it because 'we' don't want to face the fact that 'we' screwed up a great relationship with our inability to continue growing along side our partner and it is 'us' they are running away from and not to another to be happy..In my case she told me "I am happy living alone with our daughters at the moment"...in my mind I translate that as "I am screwing a guy on the side."..when it is probably true what she told me many times..and when she said "you need to learn to deal with your personal issues"..I translate that as "I am screwing a guy on the side."..I'm sure I'm wrong since I was wrong thinking I was doing great as a husband ignoring her and being selfish for myself..IMHO.