bridget Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Once again I'm here needing advice...I don't seem to understand the concept of giving it but I'm pretty often in dire need So I'm in a long-distance relationship once again. Thought that after my last debacle I would try and stick with someone who I wasn't going to have to travel more than ten minutes to see, but obviously the heart is a fickle thing and doesn't work like that. The gist of the story is that we started out at Uni together, and now he's left for various reasons and has eventually moved back home (after staying for three weeks in my room because I couldn't bear to let him go!) which is around 2 hours away. I know that doesn't sound far, but it feels it to me - I'm used to seeing him every single day and tonight is the first night I'm sleeping without him since the middle of October. (Hence being up at 4am on loveshack!) I knew I shouldn't get so dependent on a man again, because circumstances always seem to mean we can't be happy for long. But I did, and now I'm really hurting because I can feel a gaping emptiness after only 12 hours of him being gone. I don't even have a specific problem, I just feel so lost and aimless. I feel abandoned even though I know he loves me and I knew he was leaving weeks ago. There are so many things going through my mind that I can't do anything - I can't talk to any of my friends about it because they can't see any problem with a 2 hour driving distance. And I know it's going to take time to adjust, but I just don't want to and I'm scared I can't be without him - as pathetic as that sounds. Then there's the jealousy which comes from being accquainted with his friends/social group where he lives, and all the girls who were all over him even when we were out together in his hometown over Christmas and New Year. I can't breathe when I think that he might be unfaithful and I hate myself for being like this and writing these things when I know in my head that I sound like a madwoman! My heart just feels like lead and I need someone to snap me out of this or give me some form of advice/comfort/telling-off...I just need to get the way I feel out in the open and try to find out why this has hit me so hard. I'll be really grateful for any responses, I think human contact (well kind of) is what I need right now, I've been holed up in my room since he left earlier today and although I want to leave it I don't trust myself to without becoming a wreck again. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 You sound like you wrap your self-worth in a man. Is this true? Would this be true if you were able to see him all of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bridget Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker You sound like you wrap your self-worth in a man. Is this true? Would this be true if you were able to see him all of the time? I don't know, I'm not usually like this...well I never have been before anyway. I've had bad experiences with boyfriends in the past - cheating, bullying etc and it made me so happy when I found him because he's just so right for me. But I suppose when I'm with him the way I feel depends on how we're getting along and on his moods. I'm just so scared to lose him but there's nothing I can do except make the best of things, I just don't know where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 What stops you both from living in the same place? Is it that you both go to different schools? Could you transfer (This may be a ridiculous question)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bridget Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 That's a nice idea but totally out of the question for me unfortunately, as much as I'd be willing to do it. I just don't have the money to do it as I'm funded and I can't transfer this late in the course without dropping out and restarting next year again. I pretty much know that this is about my own insecurities. I know for a fact that girls he knows from home including ex-girlfriends will be straight into the task of trying to tempt him away as soon as he's home. And I'm even pissing myself off because I know that he loves me and he says he'd never dream of cheating, but I don't see why he wouldn't when he's being paid attention and more than likely drunk. I'm torturing myself because I could NOT break up with him but I feel like I should spare myself the inevitable pain. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 The first several hours after someone you love leaves are often the worst. It feels as though a limb has been ripped right off; raw and horrible. It will not be quite so awful after a few days. Then, you'll miss him, of course, and likely badly, but there won't be that fresh-wound extra sharpness to the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bridget Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 The first several hours after someone you love leaves are often the worst. It feels as though a limb has been ripped right off; raw and horrible. It will not be quite so awful after a few days. Then, you'll miss him, of course, and likely badly, but there won't be that fresh-wound extra sharpness to the pain. I know you're right moimeme but I think I just need some advice on coping with it. I've been with him constantly for the last 3 months and I'm not kidding - I know that probably wasn't a good idea in hindsight but I feel like I've been abandoned as I said in the subject line, even though I know really that's not the case. What do I do to stop thinking about it? I thought I could just sleep for a long time tonight and wake up tomorrow with a brighter perspective on it, but I can't sleep, I've watched so much TV I'm bored to death of it and eaten so much junk it's coming out of my ears (my mum did point out that at least my appetite hasn't gone - not that it ever does!) Any advice anyone for numbing the pain for a while...I'm resisting the urge to hit the bottle, I know all too well that it'll only have me even more of a jibbering wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 You might have to be sleepless for a bit. Don't hit the bottle. Journal. Go write for hours. Write your story or write about why he's wonderful. Or read a couple hundred posts here and get wrapped up in others' lives and problems for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bridget Posted January 25, 2004 Author Share Posted January 25, 2004 I know I shouldn't hit the bottle, and I spent the last few hours writing him a letter expressing all these feelings (although I'm fairly certain he already knows) and trying to put it in a way that doesn't make him fear for his life! I'm slowly getting myself together and trying to focus on the positives, for instance - we love each other dearly, the distance isn't that great, it's not a permanent thing... All that's still breaking my heart is the thought of him waking up this morning in a totally different place, and the multitude of mornings ahead of me when I'm going to wake up hundreds of miles away from him, alone. I'm slipping back into tears now so I'll shut up, thanks moimeme and dyermaker for the advice, it was much needed. I guess I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and deal with it to the best of my ability. Thanks again you two! Link to post Share on other sites
brandilynn222 Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Being in a LDR is tough on both people involved...but it is possible to have a wonderful realtionship without seeing each other all the time. You just have to put the extra effort into it that you normally wouldn't have to. Communication is defiantly a must...i dont mean talking to him for hours upon hours on the phone, but opening up and telling him how you feel and reminded him when you do talk to him that you want to be with him no matter what sacrifices you have to make. Let him know that you love him every chance you get so that he doesnt get the feeling of being alone and then later the temptation to do the unthinkable. Speaking form experience I was with a guy (still am sort of). I met him during the summer and at that time we could spend as much time as we wanted together. Well then i had to go to college and him being on an army base 4 hours away form me was tough. We went from spending weeks together to only having the weekends. It was hard to let go every sunday but i knew that in 5 more days i would see him again. I can understand what you mean about the jealousy thing. I trusted him with all my heart when he went out with the boys it was just hard to believe that i trusted him (b/c i have been hurt before), esp since i really didnt know any of his friends that well so i would have no idea if he did do something stupid. I was also jealous of his friends b/c they got to spend time with him and i didnt. This caused a few arguements which now i wish i would have just been more understanding. If you love him TRUST him and you will do fine. On a positive note if you think about it the times you do get to see each other are going to be 110% more memorable b/c you havnt seen him in awhile. I rem ever friday i would get so excited b/c i knew i would get to see him. Also it gives you both a chance to grow individually so that you know who you are and what you want in a realtionship. Like you said its not permanent so when the time comes that you do get to be toegether every day you both will know what you want and what each other expects. Lastly, like i told my SO when he found out he might be getting deployed, if we can make it through this tough time, stay faithful, and rem our love, we will come out on top and will know we have something special. Link to post Share on other sites
junipergirl Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I really don't know what you are worrying about. Many people on this board would be happy if their bf lived within a 2 hours drive. If my LD boyfriend even lived in the same country I would be one happy woman. To put your problems in perspective: he lives in Israel (I'm in the UK) - which means its a 5 hour FLIGHT, £200ish, plus travelling time to the airport (another couple of hours). I see him on average every 2-2.5 months. We've managed 1 and a half years so far. And I consider myself lucky that I get to see him so often and that he is so near to me - I have a friend long-distancing Japan-UK who has seen her bf twice in the past year. In two hours: you can leave in the morning and be back the same night. I know it hurts so bad for a while after you've seen your LD bf. My recovery time is about 2 weeks - I go through all kinds of emotions, inlcuding jealousy, but you just have to sit tight and let it pass. It will eventually. The main reasons my bf and I have last so long: trust (which is the most important in a ld relationship - otherwise you will fall apart), the belief that we will eventually live in the same place together, and finally - the time we spend together (even if its only a few days, a week) is worth the many months we spend apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Asthenia spikes Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 your so lucky... 2 hours drive away only.... and i bet you got enough money to see him as well... and for myself... i need about 4000 ringgit (malaysian currency) to go to australia to see my girlfriend and i'm only a yr11 student... and i still hav to pay up my 4000bucks phone bill.... its not easy for me... i'm having the same thingo as you now... shes over at australia.. shes with people that i dont even know... she cheated on me, she slept wif another guy .... but i love her soo much that i decided to 4give her... it hurts... i'm still suffering from it... it make my heart aches when i see her in photos.... i want to see her, but its tooo hard... god damn it, wake up girl, his only 2 hours away.... you can see him as often... and you can even tell him to come over to ur place... how hard is that? trust him as much as you can.... coz relationship is about trust.... and dont give up... its harsh but it worth it... after all this miserable crap it will b alright... well thats all i can say to u.. good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Ever heard the sond 'Standing outside the fire'? I think it is pathetic that people are so quick to attack people for wanting to give all and be all for a person. Some people think you can only be in love if you keep them at arms length and don't let them get too close. It sickens me that people who choose to give lots are classified as 'non indepedant' or 'reliant' Link to post Share on other sites
Asthenia spikes Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 wat do u mean? i dun understand... sory i'm kinda thick after knowing wat she did... i cant think as good any more... so would u plz explain? Link to post Share on other sites
Asthenia spikes Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 oops wrong post, lol, but yea wat do u mean? coz i'm interested as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 This comment You sound like you wrap your self-worth in a man. Is this true? Would this be true if you were able to see him all of the time? I am sick of people making it wrong to give all for another human, as if when you become wrapped up in a person you being less than human. Link to post Share on other sites
zephyr Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Bridget sweetie, I know this post comes a while after you initially wrote yours (I just broke up with the first and only man I loved and this place seems to offer a bit of comfort) but I hope what I write will soothe your sorrow. I know how you feel-the pain is paralyzing and mere words cannot even begin to describe it. I absolutely understand your sense of emptiness, abandonment, and loneliness. My now ex-boyfriend lives a lot farther away and those hours following his departure seem like a cruel joke from God. One cannot help but wonder whether all the trouble was worth the pain. I hate to inundate you with a bunch of nonsense-all I want to say/recommend really is for you to try and steer your thoughts away from him as much as you are able to. Trust me, it is the only thing that somewhat alleviates the unbearable torture. Go shopping, run, clean your room, read, write in a journal (maybe not a good idea as you usually tend to dwell on the very thing you are trying to avoid thinking about), go out with your friends. Slowly but surely, the pangs of loneliness will subside. I promise you this as I've experienced it first hand. Hang in there. Things will get better. If you need to talk, feel free to send me message. Wishing you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
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