Here I am again or closure?

[greengoddess]

They could also have been on a phone call on speaker. Something couples do quite often. Why do you walk by their house everyday?

 

I think you feel better because you think you did it. You hurt his wife. You told her he loves you. I don't think you even know you want to hurt her but I think you unconciiously did and now you did it. You walk about their house every single day for a year and because one time they are getting out of a car you think they staged it?

 

You keep saying the wife confronted you? How is that?

[califnan]

They could also have been on a phone call on speaker. Something couples do quite often. Why do you walk by their house everyday?

 

I think you feel better because you think you did it. You hurt his wife. You told her he loves you. I don't think you even know you want to hurt her but I think you unconciiously did and now you did it. You walk about their house every single day for a year and because one time they are getting out of a car you think they staged it?

 

You keep saying the wife confronted you? How is that?

 

-------------------

 

Don't absolve the husband ... He was a cad ... C.A.D. .. cad .. Naturally all sins of a family, trickle down to others.. (And the wife could have handled it in a more dignified manner as well - if she Is of dignity) ..

[PhoenixRise]

-------------------

 

Don't absolve the husband ... He was a cad ... C.A.D. .. cad .. Naturally all sins of a family, trickle down to others.. (And the wife could have handled it in a more dignified manner as well - if she Is of dignity) ..

 

 

If my H's FOW yelled anything at all at me from across the street, in front of my house, my reaction would not have been all lilies and roses either.

 

I think it is impossible to get to dignity when you are starting out with a married woman yelling from across the street at a married man and his wife about said married man's declaration of love to her.

 

Nothing dignified about any of it.

Edited May 18, 2010 by PhoenixRise

[Snowflower]

-------------------

 

Don't absolve the husband ... He was a cad ... C.A.D. .. cad .. Naturally all sins of a family, trickle down to others.. (And the wife could have handled it in a more dignified manner as well - if she Is of dignity) ..

 

This keeps coming up...please tell me, how should the wife have acted in this case?

 

I agree with Phoenix, if my husband's xOW was yelling at me/us in front of my house about love...I would have probably not been too happy either.

[jennie-jennie]

1. He texted me three weeks ago and said he loves me and thinks about me every minute of every day. Which could have been a lie I guess. At the time it meant something to me. Perhaps it always will. But tbh, I will never know if it was the truth or just intended to make me feel better.

At the time it gave me a severe WTF? moment. I couldn't imagine how he could stay in his M this being true. I was proving unable to stay in mine for the same reason.

 

This is unfortunately the curse of being a woman. Although it does not always prove true, more WWs than WHs leave their spouses. To WHs there are other factors than romantic love which play in and are equally or even more important.

[turnera]

For it not to have been staged would mean they returned from somewhere at 9.30 am, sat in their car together for several minutes maybe listening to a favourite song or some such. Knowing that this is the time I walk past. They know I do this school run. Then just at the very minute they decide to get out I happen to be walking by. Even though the last time I saw them together was Oct last year and during the last weeks there has been renewed contact. The coincidence is huge.

 

If it wasn't staged by them, it was staged by providence. I admit the coincidence is possible. Perhaps others should admit the staging is possible rather than having a go.

It's also just possible that they simply don't think about you and it never occurred to them to think about you coming down the street.

 

Men tell women they want to scr&w all the time that they can't stop thinking about them, etc. It's how they get the free SF.

 

Whatever, you're finally done with it. Which is where it needs to be.

[califnan]

Maybe it is fortunate that both betrayed spouses blame the OW or OM for the affair .. this makes it easier for them to proceed with their marriages..

[ladydesigner]

Either way it doesn't matter anymore what ANYBODY thinks. Wheelwright feels like she got her closure. Her XMM is the REAL idiot for saying he still loves her...this was 3 weeks ago...still fresh. His wife I feel very sorry for if he is still carrying around feelings for Wheelwright.

 

i wouldn't walk by their house ever again if I were you just for the purpose of it finally being done in your mind. Take a new route, make a fresh new start for you. This MM is a real loser...I'm sorry but he is.

[ComputerJock]

How is your husband taking all this public display, do you have any feelings for him? Is he so far in the background in your life that you don't consider his feelings including being betrayed. My exW cheated years ago, my forgiveness turned to remorse to being unable to forget or forgive when she made a public display for the other man.

[jthorne]

Fact: He told you his feelings haven't changed. But then he sent you an NC request.

Fact: Regardless of his feelings for you then, now, or 10 years from now, he's made his choice.

Fact: NO ONE but he and his W know if anything was staged. No amount of speculation will change that.

Fact: Not only has xMM made his choice to stay, his W has made the choice to stay as well.

Fact: You said your peace. What's done is done.

Fact: You need to, and seem in a better position to get on with your life now.

 

Whether you did the right thing by confronting them, whether they staged anything, whether anyone lied... all irrelevant now.

What IS relevant is you getting on with your life, and you and your family having a healthy relationship- regardless of the future of your marriage.

Edited May 18, 2010 by jthorne

[bittersweet memories]

-------------------

 

Don't absolve the husband ... He was a cad ... C.A.D. .. cad .. Naturally all sins of a family, trickle down to others.. (And the wife could have handled it in a more dignified manner as well - if she Is of dignity) ..

 

 

Huh???? How about how the OP handled this? LOL

[wheelwright]

Fact: He told you his feelings haven't changed. But then he sent you an NC request.

Fact: Regardless of his feelings for you then, now, or 10 years from now, he's made his choice.

Fact: NO ONE but he and his W know if anything was staged. No amount of speculation will change that.

Fact: Not only has xMM made his choice to stay, his W has made the choice to stay as well.

Fact: You said your peace. What's done is done.

Fact: You need to, and seem in a better position to get on with your life now.

 

Whether you did the right thing by confronting them, whether they staged anything, whether anyone lied... all irrelevant now.

What IS relevant is you getting on with your life, and you and your family having a healthy relationship- regardless of the future of your marriage.

 

I agree again!

 

You are so sensible. That's helpful.

 

And I had already worked out its not important if it was staged. The fact that it was coincidence frankly never occurred to me, as the odds are mightily against it. But it really doesn't matter.

[crazycatlady]

Yes!

 

Thanks everyone for responses. I agree with above that it has been stopping me go back to H properly. I needed closure and I am getting it.

 

Some people here didn't notice in the OP that my xMM replied to me by text three weeks ago after 10 months NC:

 

"The love was never in question. I think about you every minute of every day"

 

Hence my recent confusion.

 

Today xMM and his W staged a meeting. I have to walk past their house on the school run. They were both in his car, and got out when I walked by on my way back. They hadn't just driven up. They were waiting for me. They must see me walk by the same time every day.

 

So I shout out 'I want to talk to you - either of you.' They ignore me. So I shout out - 'He said he loved me. You said you'd never loved him' - sorry if folks think that was wrong, but I am beyond that now. Anyway, they staged it, they called this shot in a way.

 

So she comes over and says she never said that she didn't love him. She had always loved him. (She was drunk when she told me this, so perhaps doesn't remember) but I feel a lot better knowing that she loves him. Things make more sense that way.

 

Then she tells me 'I don't care how f***** up you are. P*** off and leave us alone.' (My H had said about me being f***** up in the confrontation last week).

 

I think I can let go now.

 

And Bent - this is not about drama. it is about closure. I am not at all attracted to this sort of thing. I hate it. But this is all necessary for me and my H.

 

And on the up side, I can see weasel in xMM now. And my H seems to be happy to wait until this idea takes a firm enough grip to make me get over xMM. And he is on MY side to the point it makes me want to cry.

 

And thanks everyone for reminding me to think about the kids.

 

And right now, I have so much respect for my H, and so little for xMM that the tide is finally turning in my heart. It really isn't about being second choice. It is about the change of emotion that is absolutely necessary if we are to stay together. And I needed closure for that to happen.

 

It is so much easier to let xMM go knowing his W loves him. It also means I have to feel more guilty about the A.

 

Perhaps in the end this A will turn out to have woken up everyone to see who they really love. My H needed to wake up, his BS also. And through all this suffering, we can evolve.

 

That's not to say I recommend As. It has been a terrible time in my life.

 

I'm sad to say this, but I knew people who did the car thing just for that reason! This woman did everything she could to rub it into the other woman's face that SHE got the man. Reality was he just didn't want shell out money for a divorce and child support and knew that in a few months she would forget and could go back to cheating again. It was pathetic.

 

I was reading this going "You go girl!" in the back of my mind. Allow yourself to feel any emotion that you feel. No matter what anyone here thinks you should be feeling, you are feeling them, they are valid, own those emotions. Angry, be angry, hurt, be hurt. Let it out.

 

And WW don't let him back in. He wants to keep you on the back burner for later on, much easier to continue the affair then find a new one. He says he loves you for that reason to and everything in the text from three weeks ago.

 

He's either too wimpy weenie to stand up to her, or he is a cold callus user playing the game and is hoping to keep the close by bed warm and ready for him. Either way, dude is a loser.

 

Your H on the other hand....mmm how sexy is that! Standing up for you, defending you, fighting for you. Its a bit high schoolish but its sexy just the same. And very passionate.

 

I have to say though, nothing about your xMM says he is deserving of your affection where as your H on the other hand, nicely done...

 

CCL

[GreenEyedLady]

This woman did everything she could to rub it into the other woman's face that SHE got the man. Reality was he just didn't want shell out money for a divorce and child support and knew that in a few months she would forget and could go back to cheating again. It was pathetic.

 

I was reading this going "You go girl!" in the back of my mind. Allow yourself to feel any emotion that you feel. No matter what anyone here thinks you should be feeling, you are feeling them, they are valid, own those emotions. Angry, be angry, hurt, be hurt. Let it out.

 

And WW don't let him back in. He wants to keep you on the back burner for later on, much easier to continue the affair then find a new one. He says he loves you for that reason to and everything in the text from three weeks ago.

 

CCL

 

I understand your name now.

 

Why shouldn't the W advertise that she loves her H? He's HER H! And the OW RUNS PAST THEIR HOUSE EVERY DAY? Hmm...

 

I don't see why anyone would cheer on someone who again is blatantly interjecting herself into someone else's M. They were in their own driveway and last time I checked there is no law against being in your own driveway.

 

I think this XMM will stay X. When someone wants an A, they want something low key-this is anything but. In fact it is way over the top. The behavior here is really desperate and I mean that in a sad way not rude or mean.

 

WW, please talk to someone about this who can help you resolve this and begin the healing process. You seem to be stuck in the denial phase.

 

GEL

[crazycatlady]

I understand your name now.

 

Why shouldn't the W advertise that she loves her H? He's HER H! And the OW RUNS PAST THEIR HOUSE EVERY DAY? Hmm...

 

I don't see why anyone would cheer on someone who again is blatantly interjecting herself into someone else's M. They were in their own driveway and last time I checked there is no law against being in your own driveway.

 

I think this XMM will stay X. When someone wants an A, they want something low key-this is anything but. In fact it is way over the top. The behavior here is really desperate and I mean that in a sad way not rude or mean.

 

WW, please talk to someone about this who can help you resolve this and begin the healing process. You seem to be stuck in the denial phase.

 

GEL

 

Please, if you are going to quote me, use the whole quote. The first paragraph was talking about a couple I knew where the female actually DID and I know this for a fact because she bragged about it to me what WW is talking about. I didn't see it, nor see this, as the W advertising she loves her WH. I see it more as staking ownership. Passive-aggressive BS (and not the betrayed spouse type) at its finest. Totally agree with her read of the situation. Its a route WW takes almost daily, at the time she does it daily - if its a school run as she says. Also doesn't sound like the W was too surprised with being called out either.

 

And if this helps Wheel heal from her mistake and get her head back on straight, yeah I'm cheering that. Sounds like its needed. And if it will keep the weasel from coming sniffing back around her? Even better.

 

Oh and ha ha about the stab at my name. Cute.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

Please! You are accusing me of lying now. That's really not on.

 

I did not wait for them. Indeed, it was a huge surprise to me. I do this walk at the same time most days and have never seen sight nor sound of them.

 

I am offended by this response.

 

WW,

 

I, for one, believe that it happened just as you said. As to if it was staging or divine intervention, I do not know, but if it provides you with some inner peace I am glad it happened.

 

Is it possible to take a different route to/from the school each day? Even if it means you must go a block or two out of the way, it will probably help you to not have to walk by their house everyday and wonder.

 

Cut all the ties in order to heal. This route where you must walk near his home is just a way of keeping some form of contact. (I am sure you have wondered as you walked by if he was seeing you, watching you, missing you.) I wonder if subconsiously that is not why you have not yet changed routes, because you want him to see you and miss you and her to be reminded of your presence.

[pureinheart]

Yes!

 

 

Today xMM and his W staged a meeting. I have to walk past their house on the school run. They were both in his car, and got out when I walked by on my way back. They hadn't just driven up. They were waiting for me. They must see me walk by the same time every day.

 

So I shout out 'I want to talk to you - either of you.' They ignore me. So I shout out - 'He said he loved me. You said you'd never loved him' - sorry if folks think that was wrong, but I am beyond that now. Anyway, they staged it, they called this shot in a way.

 

So she comes over and says she never said that she didn't love him. She had always loved him. (She was drunk when she told me this, so perhaps doesn't remember) but I feel a lot better knowing that she loves him. Things make more sense that way.

 

Then she tells me 'I don't care how f***** up you are. P*** off and leave us alone.' (My H had said about me being f***** up in the confrontation last week).

 

I think I can let go now.

 

And Bent - this is not about drama. it is about closure. I am not at all attracted to this sort of thing. I hate it. But this is all necessary for me and my H.

 

QUOTE]

 

You go girl...people play games and push your buttons, that's what they get...people stalk you out, oh well.

 

You know WW...I was going through some paperwork tonight and ran across the little "love letters" that exDM's "family" sent me, trying to threaten/mess with me...man they are soooo lucky I'm not vindictive...I kept that stuff incase I had to deal with them in some way again...I really wanted to respond to some of that crap tonight, but I need to let it go.

 

No, I know where your coming from...it felt like there was unfinished business, it was in the atmosphere, you know?

 

Yes, it does mean confrontation at times...I felt the closure when exDM got to use one of the "love letters" from his W to use in court to prove that she had threatened him and others...

[pureinheart]

:lmao:CCL...no lie......I did not copy you or read the replies prior...tooo cool!

 

YOU GO GIRL...:lmao:

Edited May 19, 2010 by pureinheart

[turnera]

I can't believe there's actually a section in LS where adulterers congratulate themselves and each other on wrecking people's lives for their own benefit.

[MorningCoffee]

I can't believe there's actually a section in LS where adulterers congratulate themselves and each other on wrecking people's lives for their own benefit.

 

You're just trying to provoke, right? You can't actually mean what you said, unless you haven't actually read any of the threads. There is so much pain and sorrow in them, I can't believe there's actually anyone who could read them as congratulatory. Support for growth towards healthier choices? Yes. Congratulations for wrecking lives? No.

[turnera]

You're just trying to provoke, right? You can't actually mean what you said, unless you haven't actually read any of the threads. There is so much pain and sorrow in them, I can't believe there's actually anyone who could read them as congratulatory. Support for growth towards healthier choices? Yes. Congratulations for wrecking lives? No.

I guess it's just bugging me that people are high-fiving OP for confronting the BETRAYED WIFE of the cheater.

 

I do see people trying to help the cheaters reason out why the affair is wrong, or at least a dead end.

 

But telling her it's a good thing that she had it out with OM's wife? I don't get it.

[Ann_Igma]

I can't believe there's actually a section in LS where adulterers congratulate themselves and each other on wrecking people's lives for their own benefit.

First, sorry to continue this T/J and also sorry to be posting here when I'm not an OW.

 

Turnera - The men and women in this forum do NOT sit around all day congratulating each other on wrecking peoples lives. Most of these men and women find themselves in impossible situations which cause them confusion and pain, and they deserve a place to get support and advice.

 

And to be honest, as a BS, I have found it incredibly helpful reading posts here and seeing the other side of the story.

 

Before I came to LS, I will admit that I was *incredibly* ignorant about OW/OM and just imagined most of their attitudes and motives to be callous and almost cruel. I've since realised that it's not the case at all. I find myself very thankful to be given this opportunity to look at the affair from all sides and realise that there is hurt on all sides and there are plenty of good people involved in affairs.

 

I can't say that I necessarily agree with the choice to have an affair, and I wouldn't ever encourage anyone to start one. However I don't see the point in totally villifying every person who does find themselves entangled in an affair and denying them the support they need to move forward and have a healthy life and future.

 

I am one BS who is glad that this section exists on the LS forums and wouldn't want that to change.

[califnan]

I guess it's just bugging me that people are high-fiving OP for confronting the BETRAYED WIFE of the cheater.

 

I do see people trying to help the cheaters reason out why the affair is wrong, or at least a dead end.

 

But telling her it's a good thing that she had it out with OM's wife? I don't get it.

 

-----------------

 

As I stated earlier .. I was embarrased for OP at first .. And like others, I think it would be good if she could discover a diff route to walk ..

 

But if it gave her closure to tell the MM and BS .. that he had recently said that he loved her, and that the BS had spoken that she had not loved him .... then so be it .. She is stating that it has finally given her a closure - so that all can proceed with their lives..

 

Also, it was not a planned confrontation.

[turnera]

I agree with both of you. I guess I just haven't found enough of the 'I can't believe I did that to my spouse' posts yet, and too many of the 'damn, I can't see my soulmate any more' posts. I'll keep looking. I read, so I can understand the mentality of a person who hurts others for their own gain, as a student of psychology. But it feels like wading into a stinky quagmire; I have to steel myself first.

 

I'm not a BS or a WS. But I cringe, thinking of the BS's reading here, reading things like 'Yeah, I told her off! I told her that her husband loved ME, not HER! So there!'

 

I am glad to see people urging WS's to do the honorable thing. I try to be as compassionate to them. But sometimes it's hard.

 

PS: Sorry for the stream of consciousness T/J, wheelwright; back to your story.

[wheelwright]

I'm sad to say this, but I knew people who did the car thing just for that reason! This woman did everything she could to rub it into the other woman's face that SHE got the man. Reality was he just didn't want shell out money for a divorce and child support and knew that in a few months she would forget and could go back to cheating again. It was pathetic.

 

I was reading this going "You go girl!" in the back of my mind. Allow yourself to feel any emotion that you feel. No matter what anyone here thinks you should be feeling, you are feeling them, they are valid, own those emotions. Angry, be angry, hurt, be hurt. Let it out.

 

And WW don't let him back in. He wants to keep you on the back burner for later on, much easier to continue the affair then find a new one. He says he loves you for that reason to and everything in the text from three weeks ago.

 

He's either too wimpy weenie to stand up to her, or he is a cold callus user playing the game and is hoping to keep the close by bed warm and ready for him. Either way, dude is a loser.

 

Your H on the other hand....mmm how sexy is that! Standing up for you, defending you, fighting for you. Its a bit high schoolish but its sexy just the same. And very passionate.

 

I have to say though, nothing about your xMM says he is deserving of your affection where as your H on the other hand, nicely done...

 

CCL

 

Thank you thank you CCL!

 

This response really made me smile. the bit about H especially.

 

And for the record, I really did not make this confrontation occur, and at any other time in the history of this mess I would have walked on by. The emotions were just that extreme at that point. I have told a few friends about it now, and asked if they think coincidence or staged - one friend pointed out that they could have stayed in their car for 30 seconds while I walked by if they didn't want it.

 

It was mean of them to stage it if they did, like CCL said.

 

Also I didn't say about the text 3 weeks ago. Just that he had said he loved me (not loves). It was not about cruelty, but my closure. My distress. My lack of clarity due to his earlier silence, then broken silence with love text. No love text, no confrontation. No staging or providence, no confrontation.

 

If it was fate, boy she delivered me what I needed. But I know it was staged. Thhe fact that this hasn't happened ever before on the school run in 2 years, and that it happened right after last weeks blow up - well...