long distance cold feet--how to deal?

[loneowl]

I have a sinking feeling there's no real answer to this, beyond "give him space and time," but I've got to talk to someone.

 

My fiance is from Europe, and he is scheduled to move to the U.S. to be with me and (within a couple months) marry in three weeks. And of course he's lost his mind. He's very moody and sensitive and I know that, and I also know that pre-wedding freak outs are not uncommon.

 

But I'm finding it very hard to be at peace and hold it together as he says, all of a sudden, that he feels like he's "cracked." I feel like he holds all the cards by being the uncertain one. I hate feeling needy and trying to act strong and supportive when what I really want is to beat him about the head and neck for being such a scaredy cat jerkoff. Ahem. When do I get to have a tantrum? When do I get to log off with no explanation when we normally talk every day, and when do I get to clam up and deliver terse, one word replies to his queries about how I'm feeling? Oh that's right, never, because I'm not a selfish baby.

 

Okay, rant over. But is there anything I could be doing to make this better faster? I'm just sitting in limbo waiting for him to determine my fate, and I hate it. I asked him whether he's just depressed or whether he's freaking out about us, and he said both. And then just silence. I DO NOT want to give up on him. But I wouldn't mind lightning striking him and having him realize a desire to protect my heart, communicate the best he can, and return to the consistent, beautiful love he's expressed for so long.

 

Thanks for any insight and support.

[BettyBoop]

The fact that he logs off without an explanation is a sign of immaturity. Is your ideal future husband really a man who clams up and shuts you out when you need him to communicate and let you in the most?

Do you not want to give up on him or is if the possible marriage that you do not want to give up on?

 

Is he and you ready for marriage, really, if he doesn't communicate but rather behaves childish and logs off - and you putting up with it?

 

Perhaps tell him what you've told us:

 

"I DO NOT want to give up on you. But I wouldn't mind lightning striking you and having you realize a desire to protect my heart, communicate the best you can, and return to the consistent, beautiful love you've expressed for so long. "

 

Don't let him decide your fate. Decide for yourself. You can decide to wait for an answer, not wait for him to make one. Or you can decide to move on while he is deciding and then perhaps once he has decided - you know for sure what you really want and it might not longer be him.

 

The way to feel in control is to feel like you've made your own decision for your own fate - not like you're waiting for someone to decide yours.

[PrettyinInk]

marriage and moving to a new country is a lot of pressure. those are both huge changes, but he is doing them for you, and let's be honest hear, dudes are not really that great at making big sacrifices for others, for the most part, they are selfish. he is doing these things for you.

i am not saying him acting like a baby is okay, or a mature adult way to handle things, but give him some time to process these two huge changes.

have you tried to give him a little bit of breathing room? maybe if he is upset, he needs some solitude? not sure how long you have been in a long distance relationship, but with those each person has a lot of personal time, maybe he sees that as coming to an end when you move in together.

i know it is difficult, but try to see things from his perspective. so much change is scarey.

[Eeyore79]

Planning to do something and actually doing it are two different things! The idea of moving to another country is a helluva lot different to actually upping sticks and emigrating - you can tick along happily for a long time with an idea in your head, without ever facing the reality of that idea.

 

I don't think your bf is necessarily having cold feet about you; his cold feet might be more due to the idea of leaving his friends and family and emigrating to the US. He probably didn't really think about it before, but now it's crunch time and he's freaked out. You should be prepared for the possibility that he'll decide against actually going through with it.

 

When is he scheduled to move to be with you? Is it all booked, boxes packed, plane fare bought, etc? Or is it time to start booking those things, and he's flipped out when confronted with the reality of actually emigrating?

[loneowl]

Thanks all for your responses. To the first, no: my fantasy ideal mate does not come with immature habits and a careless, selfish mode when in the throes of emotional meltdown. He's not my perfect ideal; he's just "my person," the only person I've ever loved who I felt matched with in such a profound way, enough to want to go through life with him by my side, despite his shortcomings. I have my own. To the second question, it's him, not marriage. I never considered or wanted marriage before. I don't care about it. Marriage is the only way we can really be together. We travelled from country to country for many months in order to make it work before; now we've grown up and worked hard for 8 solid months to make a longterm union possible. Apart for 8 months now, and the love and certainty just kept getting stronger. It's been incredibly trying, and we're both exhausted from the separation and the effort. But we've grown a lot too. Every day we say, "almost there." Well, every day but the day he cracked.

 

I do understand making my own choice, and yeah, if this were to go on for too much longer, I would make it, or my system would make it for me. I would lose my trust in his ability to remain constant enough in his love and commitment for a successful partnership. I'm not there yet.

 

To the second and third responses: Yes, it's a huge, rather traumatic change, and that's why I'm doing my best to make room for some eleventh hour craziness. It's absolutely scary, especially for historically nomadic loner oddballs like him (and myself). We're both doing something that seems a little bit unnatural, but we both feel that we've found our soul mate. So we're making the leap. Or, I hope we are.

 

Bags are packed, interview date is in two weeks, and flights are booked. He's worked hard and patiently (not his strong suits) to pay for it all. I've secured a home for us and will be supporting us until he gets his green card. Intellectually, I get it. He hates feeling locked into anything, hates feeling out of control and without options. My sense is that it's just your basic irrational psychological rebellion against a future that feels determined. Scary.

 

Sigh. He seems to be making a bit of progress; today he carried on (of his own accord) with sorting through emails and photos to take to the visa interview. He says he still feels like crap, but he's "going to keep trying." He apologized for the day before, his panicked freak out, and admitted sheepishly his "nerve isn't so great, hey." So in his perhaps limited way, he's trying not to lose the plot, and navigating this surge of fear the best he can.

 

I guess I'll just wait and see whether he continues to come out of it, and remain as open as possible to the chance he won't come. Accept the reality of the unknown, and try to get a hold of myself.

 

Thanks again for chiming in. I really appreciate it.

[Spiritofnow]

Thanks all for your responses. To the first, no: my fantasy ideal mate does not come with immature habits and a careless, selfish mode when in the throes of emotional meltdown. He's not my perfect ideal; he's just "my person," the only person I've ever loved who I felt matched with in such a profound way, enough to want to go through life with him by my side, despite his shortcomings. I have my own. To the second question, it's him, not marriage. I never considered or wanted marriage before. I don't care about it. Marriage is the only way we can really be together. We travelled from country to country for many months in order to make it work before; now we've grown up and worked hard for 8 solid months to make a longterm union possible. Apart for 8 months now, and the love and certainty just kept getting stronger. It's been incredibly trying, and we're both exhausted from the separation and the effort. But we've grown a lot too. Every day we say, "almost there." Well, every day but the day he cracked.

 

I do understand making my own choice, and yeah, if this were to go on for too much longer, I would make it, or my system would make it for me. I would lose my trust in his ability to remain constant enough in his love and commitment for a successful partnership. I'm not there yet.

 

To the second and third responses: Yes, it's a huge, rather traumatic change, and that's why I'm doing my best to make room for some eleventh hour craziness. It's absolutely scary, especially for historically nomadic loner oddballs like him (and myself). We're both doing something that seems a little bit unnatural, but we both feel that we've found our soul mate. So we're making the leap. Or, I hope we are.

 

Bags are packed, interview date is in two weeks, and flights are booked. He's worked hard and patiently (not his strong suits) to pay for it all. I've secured a home for us and will be supporting us until he gets his green card. Intellectually, I get it. He hates feeling locked into anything, hates feeling out of control and without options. My sense is that it's just your basic irrational psychological rebellion against a future that feels determined. Scary.

 

Sigh. He seems to be making a bit of progress; today he carried on (of his own accord) with sorting through emails and photos to take to the visa interview. He says he still feels like crap, but he's "going to keep trying." He apologized for the day before, his panicked freak out, and admitted sheepishly his "nerve isn't so great, hey." So in his perhaps limited way, he's trying not to lose the plot, and navigating this surge of fear the best he can.

 

I guess I'll just wait and see whether he continues to come out of it, and remain as open as possible to the chance he won't come. Accept the reality of the unknown, and try to get a hold of myself.

 

Thanks again for chiming in. I really appreciate it.

 

I just wondered how it is all going? I hadn't responded above as I just came across this thread - I have skipped over here from the 'Long Distance Relationship' part of the forum.

 

Me and my partner have just started discussing me moving out there (there being the USA - here for me being England), and I can really feel some of the emotions attached to specific parts of your posts in this thread. Reality can be a scary thing, especially when you spend so much of your time in an LDR in denial -- a coping mechanism - denial about the dynamics of the distance.

 

Blimey, it is a big, big deal!!!!! BIG!!!!! HUGE!!!!!!! I am not making this any better am I?! Ha ha!

 

I guess, if I had of seen your thread earlier I would have suggested that you just support him, but also be honest about how his freaking out was making you feel - I sensed you were afraid of his freaking out, and that fear made you feel resentful. Be honest and tell him that his freaking out is freaking you out, but that you believe in the strength of your relationship, you get my drift. Sometimes we hold back while trying to protect our loved ones when we could really be pulling together and being a team, and supporting one another.

 

Just my thoughts:)

 

I hope you are doing better!

Edited May 28, 2010 by Spiritofnow