Who should be apologizing?!

[Green]

I suspected narcissism and have talked to him about it. He was receptive (even read a book about it) and said he felt that his upbringing with a controlling, emotionally unavailable and possibly narcissistic mother is probably where it all stems from. He tries to curb it, and I've seen a change in him. But then crazy comments like this come out, and it makes me wonder why the heck I'm here. The comments make me not trust him. Every time we come to a place where his behavior is a problem, he really works on it, but it's never is completely fixed. Bits and pieces of his anger and narcissism and rage and self centeredness come out and really hurt me. It's like, for all the good things he does, just one of these comments can break me down and rip my feelings to shreds. He tells me that's not fair and that we both know he's trying, so if something mean or rude or awful slips out every once in awhile, I should be understanding that it's a mistake and he's working on it.

 

He's not a kid anymore and you don't have to put up with his nasty behavior... IT WILL GET WORSE AFTER YOU GET MARRIED>>>MUCH WORSE not better.

 

You already have the proof you don't even need your instincts.... you found a txt where he invited a woman out for dinner on a night he told you he was busy... and the woman accepted... what does it matter if he really had dinner or not.

 

The fact that he has cancled his phone plan with you stating that "you can't be trusted" is more proof that you shouldn't trust him.

 

Here is the last nail... he is nasty to you and unapologetic about it... I'm working on it isn't a solution its just an excuse to continue. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE TIME TO HURT YOU MORE.

 

Yes it would be easier if he could just be the man who treats you good and loves you forever. LIFE AINT EASY... and LIFE WILL BE HELL with this guy.

[Teffy79]

He's not a kid anymore and you don't have to put up with his nasty behavior... IT WILL GET WORSE AFTER YOU GET MARRIED>>>MUCH WORSE not better.

 

You already have the proof you don't even need your instincts.... you found a txt where he invited a woman out for dinner on a night he told you he was busy... and the woman accepted... what does it matter if he really had dinner or not.

 

The fact that he has cancled his phone plan with you stating that "you can't be trusted" is more proof that you shouldn't trust him.

 

Here is the last nail... he is nasty to you and unapologetic about it... I'm working on it isn't a solution its just an excuse to continue. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE TIME TO HURT YOU MORE.

 

Yes it would be easier if he could just be the man who treats you good and loves you forever. LIFE AINT EASY... and LIFE WILL BE HELL with this guy.

 

Thanks. I keep wavering, but I really, really need to hear this. It all makes so much sense objectively ... a subjectively too, honestly. I just have to get up the courage to make MY feelings the most important thing here. Not everyone else's, including his.

[Green]

Thanks. I keep wavering, but I really, really need to hear this. It all makes so much sense objectively ... a subjectively too, honestly. I just have to get up the courage to make MY feelings the most important thing here. Not everyone else's, including his.

 

You don't have to justify yourself to him, just tell him you want out and then refuse to talk to him. You can lean on your friends and family if you need to.

 

It doesn't matter if he cheated. IF you had 100% proof that everything he says is true (which he admits himself to lying to you) even then you should dump him for your sake.

 

He has no trust for you, he tells you this, he shows you this. He has no respect for you, he shows you this. LEAVE HIM TODAY, NO NEED TO KEEP THIS ACT ALIVE. You will find love. Its sad things didn't work out but it doesn't take away the nice memories you guys had. THINGS WILL GET WORSE IF YOU STAY MUCH WORSE.

[Mimolicious]

My head hurts...

 

Why do you feel like a fool?! You are not a fool, you apologized and now HE'S acting a fool. He's using reverse psychology to flip it on you. Now, if you continue to apologize then you're def fool runner-up.

[Teffy79]

Well, I also don't really understand the POINT of him using reverse psychology and flipping it in this situation. He explained everything, and i told him I believed him. He was understanding and acted very concerned for my feelings (and for our relationship) on the day that this all happened. Then suddenly the next day he was mad and wanted his own phone line. Why not just act like a jerk from the very beginning? I guess that's why I kept going back and forth on whether or not he's guilty.

 

But after talking to everyone on here, I see that even if he's not guilty, this is making my life hell. I haven't eaten in days and am just a wreck.

[donnamaybe]

This guy is going to suck the very life right out of you! Stop it NOW!

 

End things. That's my opinion. If not, your mind will be in this constant state of wondering if and knowing damn well that you're right but then being confronted by HIM and this BS!

[Teffy79]

He's already driven me mad. I hate that he's done that to me. I feel like I'm not even me anymore. I'm just this person who obsesses over what he's thinking and feeling. And I bend to whatever that is. I've never been like that in ANY of my relationships. This must've been some VERY GOOD manipulation for the past four years. And I must not be nearly as strong as I thought. I guess this is my chance to be ...

[Mimolicious]

Babygirl... Is it safe to say that this wedding is not taking place? To step into a marriage with these kind of issues is recipe for disaster. Sometimes couples see all the red flags and yet they move forward with it, then end in divorce. Very predictable.

[Teffy79]

We tried to postpone, but that was going to seriously hurt my dad's budget, so instead, we tried quick fixes that clearly didn't work. It's like he was racing against time to not be an angry liar, and I was racing against time to trust and not resent him. A very, very bad scenario.

[carhill]

IMO, bite the bullet and give him the ring back. If I were your dad I'd want my daughter to have the absolute healthiest start in married life and this isn't it. My wallet would be irrelevant to the issue. It's my daughter's *life*. Talk to your parents, tell them it's off and gather family strength to get through this. You can do it

[redmelon]

Your Dad already told you that you are free to walk away and he will deal with the financial fallout. The money is not a legitimate excuse. Your father wants the best for you, and obviously doesn't think your fiance is it. Why else would he have come to you, giving you a way out of the situation? That says a lot.

 

I would privately give your Dad the heads up that things are shaky and you may not be able to proceed, but need time to think about it. Something, so you aren't dropping a bomb on him.

 

You said you aren't as strong as you thought. I want to tell you that a weak person would have completely folded under the stress in your relationship alone. The psychic energy it takes to live with someone who behaves in these ways is astounding. You are MUCH stronger than you must think, your mind has just been a little warped by his ways. You can get back to yourself once you've walked away and are out of his grasp.

[Teffy79]

My dad already told me that money means nothing if I'm not happy. But we checked into postponement and didn't want to put those costs on my dad. Plus, if we postponed, I'm sure he wouldn't be behind the marriage anyway. I'm now looking into everything we'll have to do to split up. Finances. All of that. I want to go to him with a plan.

[Mimolicious]

Honey with all due respect "postponing" may not even be an option.

Divorces are far more expensive. Speaking from experience.

 

Good luck with all!

[Green]

I say cancel the marriage, get back what ever money you still can, and YES KEEP THE RING.

 

END IT TODAY....TELL HIM ITS OVER AND THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE< HEAR<OR SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.

 

Don't answer his calls, Don't read his emails, and avoid seeing him at all costs. You will feel so much better in a months time.

 

All this guy is capable of is making you feel like crap... then he apologizes... then he makes you feel like even worse crap. He will probably really try hard to get him to forgive and forget... but if you do he will just treat you like more crap... thats my opinion.

 

YOU ARE NOT SUPOSED TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP WHEN ENGAGED. ITS NOT REAL SO END IT.

[redmelon]

If you postpone it, you are only wasting more time, since this is not the person who you should marry. Not by a long shot.

[Teffy79]

We wanted to postpone months ago. Now we're at the point of all or nothing. He's broken up with me several times while arguing, but he quickly apologizes. One time the breakup lasted overnight. He told me he went to a hotel, but I later found out that he went to the female coworker's house and "slept on the couch," he says. As I write, I can't believe all the things I've put up with!!! And I can't believe he has the nerve to be angry with me for "not seeing all the good things" he does in this relationship. How can I see them when the bad things have hurt me so much?!

[redmelon]

Ugh, you sound just like I did. Put all of your fears aside, don't worry about what the future holds, and take care of THE NOW. Leave this guy, he is going to ruin you.

[magda]

Oh Teffy. I know it's hard. Of course it is - you were planning to marry him! But he's not the one.

 

It would be really great if you had some support in real life. Please talk to a friend or your dad for some real life perspective.

 

My similar situation. I just decided to cut the person off. I have barely slept all week... I decided, maybe I don't have proof, maybe I'm not being fair, but I can't sleep, I can't do this anymore. I get caught up with individual situations and it prevented me from seeing this big picture. In each little situation things weren't bad enough to warrant "the end". But I wasn't stepping back and really seeing and understanding this huge minefield of bad things.

 

Please get some support from friends and family to talk - you must need it. It is very hard - you agreed to marry him because you loved him. Weddings get cancelled everyday, who cares, you tried something, it didn't work, or probably isn't working, so step away. It's difficult now and embarrassing to end it - but the longer you wait and the more you've invested the harder it will be.

 

He's such a jerk for making it pretty clear that if you don't go along with what he says you can pretty much expect him to go to this co-worker of his. He's trapping you into doing whatever he says to keep him from going to her, do you feel that way? If you had a guaruntee that this wouldn't change, and your life with him would always be a few good times mixed in with these times of worry, would you want to live this way for ever? He sounds like he is telling with this actions that he is not planning to change, doesn't see the need to change, and if you don't like it he'll be over with her or someone else.

 

Do you feel like he really knows you and loves you? Is he good to you? Do you like the person you are around him?

The little things will just distract you from the bigger picture.

Edited May 18, 2010 by magda

[Teffy79]

Thanks, magda. I think you really summed it up. Not to be cliche, but I can't seem to see the forest for the trees sometimes. It's like I compartmentalize each argument as "the time that ..." instead of looking at it as something that happens quite frequently and causes me a lot of pain.

 

We were supposed to talk tonight, but he blew me off. He's going to claim he was asleep. This tactic would usually have me jumping at the chance to talk to him. But this time, he has no idea how much he's just pushing me away. He picked a really bad time to play this game. He emailed me a "warning" yesterday that he's going to be "distant for awhile so that [he] can work this all out." He said there's no need to worry about what he's doing but that if he doesn't do this for himself, he's going to "do something that [he'll] regret." This tactic is just making me hate him. It's so self centered; it's a game, and it has nothing to do with improving us.

 

At this point, I don't care what the outcome is of his little hiatus from me, I have just had enough.

[D-Lish]

So he's cheated on you, made dates with other women, and now he's telling you he's mad at you and is going to stop talking to you for a while???

 

Do you recognize how manipulative and controlling this guy is?

 

The most liberating thing you can do for yourself is to pack up and leave him for good.

[Green]

DO YOU LIVE WITH HIM CURRENTLY? IF NOT JUST SAY GOODBYE

 

you don't have to have some big sit down talk with the guy, just end it, its over. I seriously think you might stay with this guy, I don't feel sorry for you if you do.

[magda]

I think when we get conflicts in relationships like this, there's this need to show them, to make them suddenly understand and see things our way and change themselves. Then, pay attention next time, what they do is inevitably make you question yourself. And this is attractive to us because it is a solution to the problem that we can control. "Well, gee, if I just change my expectations, or if I assume fault, that could be a solution." Since no other solution is possible and we know that. We hit this wall and try to reprogram ourselves to accept less and less. They blame us, they blame our expectations, they blame our reactions to this barrage of wrongs. And we take our commitments seriously so we do the only thing possible, we alter ourselves to go along with what they want. Then you have one giver, and one taker, in what is supposed to be a partnership. His event planning.... who cares? It's probably more stress to go along with his plan than it is a pleasure.

 

And I may have mentioned this already but the more you let him mistreat you, the less he will respect you, the less he will care if he pisses you off. If you're some stupid cow sometimes in his eyes, he will not think twice about kicking the cow if the cow is in his way. Sorry the cow metaphor is lacking. I am the queen of bad animal metaphors.

 

I hope for your sake that he doesn't make any promises to change and be better. That's what they do - they turn on the charm so we forget. After all, we want it to work more than anything so it feeds right into our desires to see that there are happy times possible. It's almost more infuriating though, when you think about it, since they are capable of being sweet and loving when they want to.

[Teffy79]

He's making it very easy for me right now to leave. I've searched for many reasons to stay in the past; however, I haven't been able to come up with one good one this time. I'm really very tired now. Just worn out and ready to be done. We're staring down this trip over the weekend that we're both committed to. How do I get through that? I've found a friend to talk to about it who (through similar experience) is really helping me to see that there's a much better life once I've let this relationship go.

[Green]

He's making it very easy for me right now to leave. I've searched for many reasons to stay in the past; however, I haven't been able to come up with one good one this time. I'm really very tired now. Just worn out and ready to be done. We're staring down this trip over the weekend that we're both committed to. How do I get through that? I've found a friend to talk to about it who (through similar experience) is really helping me to see that there's a much better life once I've let this relationship go.

 

A trip... with him? Just break up and cancel the trip.

[donnamaybe]

A trip... with him? Just break up and cancel the trip.

 

Agreed. A trip during which he can be "distant" and ruin your time?

 

Screw that! Dump this manipulative jerk!

 

There is a stress-free, much happier life just WAITING for you! TAKE IT!!!