Sexuality issue questions for the older set ...

[The River Ouse]

I am over 50 and have been divorced for four years.

 

After the horrible divorce was over and the wreckage settled down, I found myself very contented to be on my own. I had a lot of responsibilities which included taking care of my mom, who had Alzheimer's (and she's since passed away). I did not miss having a relationship or sex; I thought I was finished with that stuff for good.

 

Still, I chose to experiment with dating a bit. Sure enough, I was not interested.

 

Until I met my boyfriend.

 

We have been together for a year, and we plan to marry before the end of 2010.

 

Here's the question:

 

I am very attracted to him sexually. When we got together, a lot of feelings within me that I thought were gone for good came back to life. When we finally had sex, I LOVED it. I wanted to do it every day, or even more.

 

Well, he is not on that program. Not at all. He is great with once a week. He is also very conservative, which I am not. He had an extremely repressed background and actually I think his sexuality is doing pretty well, under the circumstances. Also, he has age-related stuff going on ... not ED, but his interest in sex just isn't anywhere near what mine is.

 

When we do have sex, though it is not anything other than pure vanilla, it has an extremely deep, intimate and profound quality to it which is way beyond average.

 

He truly believes he shows his love to me in many different ways, such as building things for me. I LOVE it, appreciate it greatly, and I do know that he loves me.

 

I'm kind of ashamed, therefore, that his lack of desire to do the deed with me more often is affecting me negatively. I am attractive ... but I am over 50. I am still used, from my past experience, to having my man hounding after me. Intellectually I realize that he does love me and my feelings about this are off base ... but his lack of demonstrative sexual interest does leave me feeling undesirable and unattractive. I find myself musing about getting plastic surgery, and such things. I am not really going to ... and I am quite sure he would barely notice if I did.

 

I've been working towards reducing my own desire towards him so ours are more in sync, and just taking care of my extra "needs" on my own. But, I am such a sexual person and that part of me is extremely alive when I am feeling "in love." I'm worried about squelching those feelings I have for him. If I don't have that part of it, I am not sure how I will feel ... seems like it will be more like a special friendship.

 

Clearly, this is the first time I've entered into an intimate relationship at this stage of life. Last time I did this, I was in my 20's. It's confusing. We have talked about it. To use a hackneyed cliche, "it is what it is."

 

Anyone been through anything similar with any guidance or insight to offer?

 

I truly love, respect, trust, enjoy, and appreciate this man. There is one other different issue that I may post in a separate thread, but the bottom line is that I don't want this sex issue to mess up a wonderful thing.

[FarmGirl]

Lack of sexual compatibility is magnified after marriage.

I'd shelve the marriage plans for now if it were up to me...

 

His sex drive is going to go down with age & his repressed background even further...can you *really* stand it?

 

Haha I've posted twice on sex threads today & I am so far away from actually getting any I am in no way an expert. This is awesome

[Janicee]

It is a difficult things, when the life partner is losing the sexual capabilities/interest due to falling in libido for forever reasons like sickness or simple aging itself. I feel for you, it is hard, especially when you see the love there between you, but the loss of sex activities would block some intimacy between the two, unless there is full understanding and acceptance on both sides that it is not due to loss of attractiveness or effort to show real love.

 

I do feel a loss at the moment due to same reason. I also want to learn more about how to find a place for myself in this relationship.

[giotto]

but the bottom line is that I don't want this sex issue to mess up a wonderful thing.

 

Then, don't! But it will eat you away, until resentment builds up... unfortunately, it's not something you can fix. Take it or leave it. Nothing is perfect in life...

[WalkInThePark]

How old is your boyfriend?

[rewe4reel]

DO NOT marry your fiance.

 

It will be a disaster.

 

Your post indicates the two of you are sexually incompatible. He refuses to raise his frequency to an acceptable level.

 

You will end up after a year or two of marriage becoming incredibly sexually frustrated and likely have an affair to satisfy this lack.

 

You ALREADY feel "guilty" about the incompatibility because he is such a "good man."

 

DO NOT marry someone who MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY about your sexuality.

 

It is a recipe for disaster.

 

And, I will add, there are other fish in the sea.

[carhill]

OP, since both you and this man wish to marry, something not really necessary for people our age, why not get some PMC and clarify his sexual perspective, as well as your own, and see if some compromise can be achieved.

 

Since you shared that you are used to 'men hounding after you', you apparently prefer a man to be the sexual pursuer most or all of the time. Is that right? IMO, if so, that right there could be your part of the bend. Nothing wrong with trying new and different things. Good luck

[The River Ouse]

Hi, and thanks for the feedback.

 

A couple of responses:

 

WalkInThePark, he is 58.

 

rewe4reel: I might ask you whether YOU are for real. No, I am not "likely to have an affair" after a year or two of marriage. What in my original post could possibly lead you to that conclusion? I am over 50. I am highly capable of keeping a commitment, or of ending a relationship if it's not working for me without resorting to "cheating."

 

I don't think you really read my post, but I'll clarify that I did not say, and do not in fact feel "guilty" about my sexuality. I am fine with my sexuality. I do have some self doubt about my apparent "need" to be pursued sexually in order to feel good about myself. That is what makes me feel somewhat "ashamed."

 

I'm not and never have been randomly horny. My sexual feelings always have been in response to an individual, as they are now, with my boyfriend.

 

As I said, our relationship has a lot of depth and the sex that we have is very intense and bonding. Vanilla ... yes.

 

From your posts, which I checked out after I read your contribution here, I doubt that you are in my age group and also that you have experienced a relationship that was not basically superficial. I hope you will some day.

 

Carhill: You're right, we don't need to marry. We want to because we both feel like formalizing the bond and the commitment we have to see one another through to the end of our lives. I think that PMC could be a good idea. I also agree that it is my "pattern" to respond to being pursued, and that I am not at ease with this difference. That is something I probably need to work on myself.

 

Part of all this is age related in a big way, and that's why I really sought input from my own age group. As I said, getting into a romantic, intimate, sexual, committed "love" relationship is a heck of a lot different in our 50's than it was in our 20's, which was the last time either he or I embarked upon one. Also, physical beauty and prowess are changing ... and not for the better, at this time. There is still quite a lot left, but the end of all that is in sight at the same time. Not easy to navigate.

[carhill]

OP, if I can honest with you, for me, intimacy at now 51 is far better and more satisfying than when younger. In a word, clarity. The desire is clear; the emotions are clear; the psyche is clear. I'm lucky that my libido and physical health is still good. When I get intimate, . Hope you and your partner find what works for you. Sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise. It'll all work out

[TaraMaiden]

The River....

Impossible to PM you as you are so new, with such few posts.

I'm 53.

 

I met my partner 6 years ago, and he's 5 years younger than me.

When we met, we were at it like steam trains.

Things have changed and for reasons I refuse to go into on public forum, his desire has decreased, while mine has escalated.

 

To be blunt?

 

My opinion is that I have to 'suck it up'.

 

I love and respect him too much to let this become an issue between us.

I've had my family - he's had his. So reproductive urges are below zero.

It's purely carnal.

He's fascinating, intelligent, captivating, interesting and thirsty for knowledge.

 

All I'm saying is that to be honest, for me, to have him compensates for the low sex drive.

I hope you can find a way to make this good for yourself.

 

All the best.

TM

[FarmGirl]

sadly I'm only 40, far too young for this thread as well

 

[carhill]

Happy to take the last 11 years back. Give?

[FarmGirl]

Happy to take the last 11 years back. Give?

 

Heck no!

You kidding?

 

I'm thinking 40 is gonna be my best year.

I'm getting rid of a 250# weight around my neck in the very near future.

 

Watch out world.

[carhill]

LOL, now that's a diet I can get behind

[The River Ouse]

Thanks, TaraMaiden. May I ask whether this has impacted your own self esteem at all, or made you feel in any way negative towards your partner?

 

I really feel the same way that you do ... the relationship we have and his qualities as an individual do, in fact, make him worth cherishing despite the sexual stuff. There certainly are not more "fish in the sea" like him ... for me, at this stage, anyway.

 

One of my main concerns is that if I try to "turn off" my sexual yearning for him, I might really put a wedge between us. At risk of sounding like a gender generalizer, I do have the inclination to be all or nothing ... if I love, I am all sexed up; if I'm not sexually "into" the person, I am not feeling the love unless it's in a "friendship" way. I don't want to move in that direction.

 

So, maybe suck it up I must, and just be ecstatic with my opportunities to do the deed with him. After all, once a week is not so bad, especially compared with some of the droughts being experienced by others on these threads!

[stillafool]

I'm sure he desires you and would like to make love to you more often. If I'm correct you did mention something about him having a health problem and I'm sure he hates whatever the reason is that he can't give you more sex. Like another poster said sometimes you just have to "suck it up". At least when he does make love to you it is wonderful. I'll take quality over quantity any day. I think you will be okay if you marry him but don't expect to have more sex. Have you sat down and talked about this with him? You seem very loving and I'm sure you could be very sensitive in your discussion.

[soserious1]

We are age peers you and I. You and this man have only been together 1 year and you're down to sex x1 per week?

already you question if you can kill your sexual desire enough to live comfortably with this level of intimacy?

 

Don't do it.. granted you guys aren't 20 but you're still in the passionate stages of the relationship, this is as good as it will EVER be in terms of frequency with this guy. How will you feel in a yr or two when you're only having sex every couple of months ?How will you feel when you realize it's been a year since you've been intimate?

 

A great many men in our age range are happy to enter relationships with us, many were in long term marriages/relationships before, they miss the comforts of married life, a hot meal, freshly done laundry, an age peer to talk with, do things with... but sexually ? us old gals really don't do much for them. Many marry kind of hoping that menopause will kill our desire fairly quickly.. but that we'll remain loving caretakers, somebody they'll be able to lean on in old age and if we come with a nice paycheck and a fat 401K account all the better.

 

 

Before you go a step further, you need to investigate, how much porn is this guy viewing? If it's a lot you need to consider he very real possibility that he might well love you as he would his mother or sister but that you're too old to float his boat on a purely physical level... can you handle that till the day you die?

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks, TaraMaiden. May I ask whether this has impacted your own self esteem at all, or made you feel in any way negative towards your partner?

 

No. My self-esteem is fine, and if I ever felt negative about my partner, it was for purely selfish reasons.

I realised that I was just feeling sorry for myself.

it's difficult to discuss this on forum, because there is much I would say about this, and I simply refuse to air a situation in public I know would be disrespectful to him.

 

 

I really feel the same way that you do ... the relationship we have and his qualities as an individual do, in fact, make him worth cherishing despite the sexual stuff. There certainly are not more "fish in the sea" like him ... for me, at this stage, anyway.

I never consider anything permanent. And bear in mind an an wful lot of relationships go quiet on the physical side of things anyway.

My parents are both very elderly. This year, they celebrate 57 years of marriage.

How long ago do you figure anything sexual ever stopped happening between them, particularly as my father is 89 and frail? It been heap long time.....

But they absolutely revel and dwell in the companionship and company of each other's presence.....The mental stimulation and intellectual connection is stronger than ever. They are both extremely erudite, intelligent and knowledgeable people. And it's something they've always cultivated and nurtured.

 

One of my main concerns is that if I try to "turn off" my sexual yearning for him, I might really put a wedge between us.

Don't try to turn anything off. Why should you?

Yearn for him, by all means, as I do my partner. Just realise it's not going to get answered, and this too shall pass.

Other things take its place.

Just being next to my partner and holding him at night, is bliss.

One thing I will tell you:

I am open and honest with him.

he knows I go through this, and he's entirely sympathetic and knows how I feel.

But I would never demand he come up with the goods, reciprocate or do something for me simply because he feels he needs to please me.

If we make love, it's because he wants it, as much as I do there and then.

When this happens, it means so much more to me, than if he were to attempt to go through mechanical actions, just to help me get my rocks off, metaphorically speaking.... When we make love, it's desire, not duty.

 

At risk of sounding like a gender generalizer, I do have the inclination to be all or nothing ... if I love, I am all sexed up; if I'm not sexually "into" the person, I am not feeling the love unless it's in a "friendship" way. I don't want to move in that direction.

Nobody can be everything to their partner.

And like it or lump it, one fine day, companionship and togetherness will come into it, more than sex does. believe it or not, every relationship moves 'in that direction'.

Trouble is, some sooner than others.

Fundamentally, what you have to ask yourself is this:

How important is sex to my survival and quality of life:

Does it bring me pleasure, or does it bring me happiness?

My sex drive is through the roof, at times, but it intensifies when I pay it attention.

if I ignore it, and look to other emotional stimulation, the physical desire passes....

 

So, maybe suck it up I must, and just be ecstatic with my opportunities to do the deed with him. After all, once a week is not so bad, especially compared with some of the droughts being experienced by others on these threads!

The only thing I can suggest is that a little at a time, subtly, you begin to do things that deviate from the normal vanilla sex you say you have.... just do something slightly differently,.... take the initiative, but not aggressively....

if you're looking at long-term, you owe it to each other to be connected at your most intimate moments. That's when you're most vulnerable.

That's also when physical emotion is at its most powerful......

[giotto]

I'm 47 and I've been in fairly low sex marriage for the last 15 years (twice a month)... I can only tell you this, from my experience: it will get worse. Once a week is actually acceptable at the moment, but after a few years - especially if your partner is not that interested now - the frequency will decline, for reasons we all know. When we meet a new partner, we want sex all the time and we usually have it. I was having sex once a day when I met my wife. That's a good starting point. But it should already have been a red flag... apparently, people have sex 3 times a day when they are in a new relationship...

So, once a week as a starting point is fairly disappointing, to say the least, and it doesn't bode well for the future, especially considering his age... are you prepared to be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life? Personally, I find the "dangling carrot" syndrome quite upsetting...

[rewe4reel]

rewe4reel: I might ask you whether YOU are for real.

 

 

Real enough for you to respond to my post, I guess.

 

Your bottom-line question is should you marry your fiancee given your apparently irreconcilable sexual incompatibility with him.

 

The answer is "NO."

[xxoo]

One of my main concerns is that if I try to "turn off" my sexual yearning for him, I might really put a wedge between us. At risk of sounding like a gender generalizer, I do have the inclination to be all or nothing ... if I love, I am all sexed up; if I'm not sexually "into" the person, I am not feeling the love unless it's in a "friendship" way. I don't want to move in that direction.

 

So, maybe suck it up I must, and just be ecstatic with my opportunities to do the deed with him. After all, once a week is not so bad, especially compared with some of the droughts being experienced by others on these threads!

 

I am unqualified by age to comment, but after reading this board for a couple months, I'm beginning to suspect that what really matters is what happens on the 6 days a week you don't have sex...

 

What happens on the no-sex days? Is there a lot of affection, in bed and out? Hugging and kissing throughout the day? Closeness and cuddling in bed? Do hands ever wander, or is wandering touch percieved as "leading to something"?

 

In bed, if you grow aroused while cuddling on a day that he is not interested in sex, do you feel comfortable touching yourself and having an orgasm next to him?

 

I believe the big issues crop up when couples start avoiding touch, as one partner misinterprets it as an invitation, and the other as pressure. But touch, of course, leads to arousal--which can lead to frustration. If the higher drive partner (which can vary over the course of a relationship) feels comfortable meeting their own need for orgasm in an intimate setting--without the low drive partner feeling pressured to meet the need--that can go a long way toward everyone feeling satisfied and respected.

[TaraMaiden]

Real enough for you to respond to my post, I guess.

 

Your bottom-line question is should you marry your fiancee given your apparently irreconcilable sexual incompatibility with him.

 

The answer is "NO."

 

There is no irreconcilable sexual incompatibility, apparently or otherwise. .

It's not apparent, although there is a disparity, and who says it's irreconcilable?

Your constantly negative mindset is your own hindrance.

Perhaps you might like to address the apparent irreconcilable compatibility you seem to have with a possible multi-optional solution, as opposed to a cut and dried "NO"....?

 

Which is not on the cards, as far as I can tell.....

[The River Ouse]

Real enough for you to respond to my post, I guess.

 

Your bottom-line question is should you marry your fiancee given your apparently irreconcilable sexual incompatibility with him.

 

The answer is "NO."

 

In fact, this was not my question at all. I clearly asked for input from people in my age group who might have some wisdom or similar experience to share ... which I got, so thanks for that. I also appreciate the thoughtful replies from people out of my age group.

 

If I needed to make a decision whether to marry or not, I sure wouldn't be looking for advice from a faceless being on the Internet who shares nothing about his (just guessing you're a fellow) own successes or failures in love relationships. And appears to have issues with reading comprehension.

 

Of this I am positive: Tara Maiden is right; nothing lasts forever. By the time we are in our 50's, it would be pretty stupid to base a marriage on sexual flames, which are bound to fade sooner or later, if we live long enough.

[The River Ouse]

 

 

A great many men in our age range are happy to enter relationships with us, many were in long term marriages/relationships before, they miss the comforts of married life, a hot meal, freshly done laundry, an age peer to talk with, do things with... but sexually ? us old gals really don't do much for them. Many marry kind of hoping that menopause will kill our desire fairly quickly.. but that we'll remain loving caretakers, somebody they'll be able to lean on in old age and if we come with a nice paycheck and a fat 401K account all the better.

 

 

Before you go a step further, you need to investigate, how much porn is this guy viewing? If it's a lot you need to consider he very real possibility that he might well love you as he would his mother or sister but that you're too old to float his boat on a purely physical level... can you handle that till the day you die?

 

This was disheartening ... I'm hoping that he finds me beautiful and sexy but just isn't very libidinous any more, rather than not being "turned on" by me because I'm an old fartress. To be honest, that is my shallow concern ... I very much do want to be attractive to my man, and I still have the conceit to crave his desire. Probably a common problem for the aging former femme fatale.

 

Anyway, we love each other deeply. That is not in question.

 

He does not view any porn at all. He hates it.

[wellanydaynow]