Star Gazer Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Most of you probably won't remember this story, but this is the background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t176546/ The VERY brief summary is this: K and I basically stopped being friends because of her toxic relationship with a cheating, deceitful, manipulative guy, who she just could not get over and adored more than the sun and the moon. She knew I didn't approve of her relationship, and although I'd be there for HER to support HER no matter what happened in her relationship, I just couldn't befriend her SO. Still can't. Well, it's been over a year. She maintained her friendships with our mutual friends who also disapproved of her relationship decisions (just not as vocally ), and I was left out of many of their gatherings. Now she's 8 months pregnant with his baby, due next month. From what I've gathered from stray conversations with our mutual friends, as well as conversations I've overheard at meetings, parties, etc., her and her SO are living separately (they were living together), 40 miles apart. Their relationship status on FB went from "In a Relationship With ____" to just "In a Relationship" on hers, and nothing on his. In other words, I think they're struggling... and this makes my heart hurt for her. I saw her this past weekend at a mutual friend's baby shower. That, along with a few other events we've seen each other at, made me realize how much I miss her. I wasn't invited to her baby shower (not that I had expected to be at the time), and I realized how sad that made me... that I haven't really had the chance to celebrate this exciting time with her. And I want to. In essence, I want our friendship back. I'm just not sure how to go about it. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 In essence, I want our friendship back. I'm just not sure how to go about it. do you want the friendship back basically cause her good-for-nothing bf is out of the picture now? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 SG- you have the perfect excuse! She is having a baby. Buy her a baby gift, and after the baby arrives take her a homecooked dinner (honestly, nutritious food was the BEST BEST BEST present anyone could give us when we had WB, as it meant we didn't have to worry about cooking dinner). You don't even have to have any fanfare to go with it- just be a nice friend and let her know you are there for her. Just don't expect alot of conversation about it- she'll be so absorbed in her baby that she'll probably just be happy you are friends again and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 do you want the friendship back basically cause her good-for-nothing bf is out of the picture now? Not at all... besides, he's not completely out of the picture. They're still dating, and he will always be around given that he's the baby daddy. SG- you have the perfect excuse! She is having a baby. Buy her a baby gift, and after the baby arrives take her a homecooked dinner (honestly, nutritious food was the BEST BEST BEST present anyone could give us when we had WB, as it meant we didn't have to worry about cooking dinner). You don't even have to have any fanfare to go with it- just be a nice friend and let her know you are there for her. Just don't expect alot of conversation about it- she'll be so absorbed in her baby that she'll probably just be happy you are friends again and leave it at that. She's living at home with her parents, her mother is a caterer. I'm not sure I can compare on the nutritious meal thing. I was going to just buy her a gift and send it to her (not sure when I'll actually see her next), but given that we haven't been "friends" and have only exchanged pleasantries when in forced-to-see-each-other situations, I'm not sure how well she'd receive it...ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 But at least you have extended the olive branch- you can't force someone to take it. Lucky her- I wish we had had a chef/cleaner when WB was small...... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 I was going to just buy her a gift and send it to her (not sure when I'll actually see her next), but given that we haven't been "friends" and have only exchanged pleasantries when in forced-to-see-each-other situations, I'm not sure how well she'd receive it...ya know? everyone likes a gift SG Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Why do you want to resurrect a friendship with someone whose choices you don't support or approve of? She's still with this guy - that hasn't changed and with a baby on the way, it's not going to be. I guess I don't see the point of trying to win her back, Star. I think you'll end up in the same situation as before - being frustrated with her poor decisons. Just because your mutual friends are still tight with her, and you feel removed from the circle because of that, I don't think that's enough of a reason to get back with her. Personally, I'd take a pass... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 Good point, JB... I'll have to rethink this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Carl Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 You can practice by rebuilding our friendship, Star. Apology first, of course. And I accept flowers. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Carl Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 I remember when you used to PM me about all the things going on in your life. I admit I miss all that, although... forgiveness doesn't come cheap, Star. Flowers may not do it... Link to post Share on other sites
ANJL_BEING Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 As the old saying goes, "you don't have to accept my family/boyfriend" just accept me... I would have a hard time distancing myself from my close friend even if I dissapproved of a troubled or dangerous relationship. That is when she needs you the most. Maybe she felt like you didn't care about what happened to her. If your friend was on drugs, would you stop being her friend or would you stand by her side and try to help her? At times, there is nothing to do but let our friends help themselves, but always remember that even though friends seem unapproachable, you may be that person that helps lift them up... Now, onto your question... I think you should try to contact her and say that you are disappointed that you haven't been able to be there for her through her pregnancy (despite the circumstance)... Tell her you miss her. Let her know you will be there to support her if she needs you, but at the same time, you will not enable her when it comes to things you disagree with. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 [The other thing to ask yourself is this: do you want to rekindle your friendship for your ease of mind and benefit, or hers? See, sometimes our motives are actually selfish.... You miss her. You want the friendship back. If she's made no moves to re-connect, I would presume that the feeling isn't mutual, and your feelings are hurt.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 I remember when you used to PM me about all the things going on in your life. I admit I miss all that, although... forgiveness doesn't come cheap, Star. Flowers may not do it... I did? I don't remember that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 I would have a hard time distancing myself from my close friend even if I dissapproved of a troubled or dangerous relationship. That is when she needs you the most. Maybe she felt like you didn't care about what happened to her. I actually didn't really distance myself from her. If anything, she did it to me. Or maybe it just happened naturally. I didn't get a sense of a conscious choice not to see one another from either side, but I could be wrong. We are in a group of mutual friends, and those friends started hanging out with her, but without me. Of course, that was right when BF and I started getting serious, so I wasn't available as often anyway (and at the time they were all single), so that's what first started the distance. And then it just grew... Now, onto your question... I think you should try to contact her and say that you are disappointed that you haven't been able to be there for her through her pregnancy (despite the circumstance)... Tell her you miss her. Let her know you will be there to support her if she needs you, but at the same time, you will not enable her when it comes to things you disagree with. That's what I was inclined to do, but leaving out the very last phrase. [The other thing to ask yourself is this: do you want to rekindle your friendship for your ease of mind and benefit, or hers? See, sometimes our motives are actually selfish.... You miss her. You want the friendship back. If she's made no moves to re-connect, I would presume that the feeling isn't mutual, and your feelings are hurt.... I want to rekindle our friendship for both of us. We both benefitted a great deal when our friendship was good... and I think we would again. Neither one of us have made moves to re-connect, so it's hard to know that she doesn't feel the same way... afterall, she has no idea how I'm feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 Star, I think you should send a Baby gift with a nice note. You know something along the lines of congrats on the new baby. seeing you at the baby shower made me realize how much I missed our friendship. I would like to reconnect with etc... you can probably word it better. but as I recall this friend has a lot of relationship drama which meant she talked about it a lot while you two were hanging out. Just be prepared for that to happen again. It might be worse with her having a baby and then living apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 I want to rekindle our friendship for both of us. We both benefitted a great deal when our friendship was good... and I think we would again. Let this be your lesson on unconditional love and not judging. I have noticed a trend in you, that is when things are seemingly going your way you become self-righteous and better than those non-self-esteem people. This will be a good time to bond again, but you will have to drop your attitude and go with openness, compassion, and acceptance. Hopefully she will take you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 I have noticed a trend in you, that is when things are seemingly going your way you become self-righteous and better than those non-self-esteem people. This was very helpful. Hopefully she will take you back. Take me back? As if she dumped me? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 Take me back? As if she dumped me? Well, you seem to be willing to take her back. Now it's up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 This was very helpful. In fact, she gained respect with you when she got pregnant. So now you don't look down on her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 Let this be your lesson on unconditional love and not judging. I have noticed a trend in you, that is when things are seemingly going your way you become self-righteous and better than those non-self-esteem people. This will be a good time to bond again, but you will have to drop your attitude and go with openness, compassion, and acceptance. Hopefully she will take you back. And people call me tactless..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 In fact, she gained respect with you when she got pregnant. Huh? How'd you come up with that? Given the circumstances, that's not true at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 Huh? How'd you come up with that? Given the circumstances, that's not true at all... Why was she not good for friend then (the drama) and good now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2010 Author Share Posted May 19, 2010 Why was she not good for friend then (the drama) and good now? Because she's removed the drama (the boyfriend, for the most part, albeit he's still around) from her life for the most part over the past couple months. She's a stronger, more stable and secure person now. Maybe impending motherhood inspired that change (she's due in a matter of weeks), but I assure you that I did not grow to respect her more when I learned that she was pregnant. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 Because she's removed the drama (the boyfriend, for the most part, albeit he's still around) from her life for the most part over the past couple months. She's a stronger, more stable and secure person now. Maybe impending motherhood inspired that change (she's due in a matter of weeks), but I assure you that I did not grow to respect her more when I learned that she was pregnant. Not at all. Well, good luck with this. I think she'll probably be glad you are thinking this way and wanting to get close again. Especially now. Link to post Share on other sites
Crusoe Posted May 19, 2010 Share Posted May 19, 2010 It doesn't matter what was said, it doesn't matter whose fault it is, it doesn't matter who benefits the most, it doesn't matter what your deep down motivation may be. You miss your old friend? You want her back? Give her a call, say Hi, sorry, I miss you, fancy catching up sometime? Life is short, friends are precious, why wait? Link to post Share on other sites
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