Dumper's Perspective - do they ever get sad or miss the dumpee?

[Heartbroken098]

I was having a discussion with my bestfriend. She is having some doubts with her bf and we were also discussing my recent break up. She is considering breaking up with her bf because he is really controlling and really narrow minded. She feels like she has to cater to his needs. This is a similar situation with me because I was like her bf. My ex always thought i was too demanding and too controlling and therefore, he broke up with me. My bestfriend was saying how it is really hard for him to break up with me because he does have feelings but because of the way I acted, he felt like he had to end the relationship. And for her, she may have to end the relationship but she knows she will feel extremely sad and will always wonder if its the right decision.

 

I guess what Im trying to say is a lot of the times, people pity the dumpee and thinks the dumper can move on and be happy...but does the dumper ever feel just as hurt and sad as the dumpee? please share your thoughts!

[carhill]

IMO, at some level, all non-sociopaths have 'feelings'. Since we each are autonomous and have no reasonable way to read others feels or thoughts, we might feel they don't get sad or miss us, but most do at some point. It's part of the human condition. Opinion varies as to the health of expressing those emotions but, personally, I *feel* better when I do, even if the feeling is pain. Regardless of who initiated the end, it's still an ending, a death of what was and what will never be, and it hurts. Accept it; grieve it and let it go. Learn from it as appropriate. I've been on both sides of the street and, to me, it 'feels' equally painful. The type and impetus of the pain might be different, but the emotions themselves sure share a lot of commonalities IME.

 

If you feel you need to work on yourself, the pain can be an impetus to that work. I've found anger (hurt) is a great motivator. Change is inevitable.

[BubbleFreak]

I've only ever dumped someone once, and it felt like ****. I think it's a misconception that the dumper does not feel as much pain. The guy I dumped probably got hit hard when I said it, but I had all these aweful feelings leading up to the breakup, all these intensely negative emotions and sadness, and neurotic thoughts. We both invested a lot into the relationship, it's not like dumping him was fun for me, or that I wanted to do it. It's not an experience I want to have again.

Edited May 18, 2010 by BubbleFreak
typo

[amz]

The dumper always feels sad or "miss the person" its human nature.

 

People i have broken up with somewhere down the line it has hit me like a truck and i've always thought about them and tried to get back in touch but most of them didnt want to talk to me. Fair Enough.

 

The dumpee always has the uper hand and here is why.

 

When we get dumped we have no choice but to move on hurt cry and learn to let go, and we get over it.

 

The dumper breaks up with a person and for a short time they feel happy with the decision of course they hurt and feel sad but they are happy....

 

It always hits them when there head is clear and they realise maybe breaking up with that person was a mistake.

 

If the dumpee doesnt want anything to do with them or have moved on then it hits them like a truck and then they have to deal with the loss and pain of being rejected.

 

It always happen.....always.

 

**** them i say and move on we always have the upper hand.

[Heartbroken098]

"The dumper always feels sad or "miss the person" its human nature.

 

People i have broken up with somewhere down the line it has hit me like a truck and i've always thought about them and tried to get back in touch but most of them didnt want to talk to me. Fair Enough.

 

The dumpee always has the uper hand and here is why.

 

When we get dumped we have no choice but to move on hurt cry and learn to let go, and we get over it.

 

The dumper breaks up with a person and for a short time they feel happy with the decision of course they hurt and feel sad but they are happy....

 

It always hits them when there head is clear and they realise maybe breaking up with that person was a mistake.

 

If the dumpee doesnt want anything to do with them or have moved on then it hits them like a truck and then they have to deal with the loss and pain of being rejected.

 

It always happen.....always.

 

**** them i say and move on we always have the upper hand"

 

but what if the dumper was SURE about his/her decision, do you think they will still have sadness? or will they feel a sense of freedom and relief?

i would think that a lot of dumpers dont break off the relationship unless they were sure that's what they wanted. Right now, my ex seems so moved on and happy and its only been 6 weeks...i guess i just dont understand how someone can move on so quickly from a 3 yr relationship...

[Livelovelearn]

"The dumper always feels sad or "miss the person" its human nature.

 

but what if the dumper was SURE about his/her decision, do you think they will still have sadness? or will they feel a sense of freedom and relief?

i would think that a lot of dumpers dont break off the relationship unless they were sure that's what they wanted. Right now, my ex seems so moved on and happy and its only been 6 weeks...i guess i just dont understand how someone can move on so quickly from a 3 yr relationship...

 

well i have dumped someone before and i have been dumped recently..i will say when i dumped that guy, it was because he was definately not giving me what i wanted. he wanted more of a FWB type of relationship and i wanted something deeper. At the time i was talking to others and i realized there were alot of nice people out there so i let that guy go. i felt great and i dont think he felt pain because it was not even a real relationship, it had no substance. Now recently i have been dumped by my first real love and it was because he had been cheating and left me on the sidelines in case things didnt work out, but anyway i hurt alot especially since he cut contact with me after i confronted him. and today he denied being with her. his msn status used to say `loving every minute of it`but i think its a front that they keep telling themselves life is good and though it may be right now, there will be a time that comes around where they are down and facing problems where they will think back about the ones who used to be there to help them out and whatnot. So i do think the dumpers will miss you even if at the moment they are sure that that is what they wanted. Its natural to miss someone you have been with for years but that doesnt mean they want you back. Also if someone moves on quickly, they probably had that person lined up before, and most likely the same problems will occur in that brand new relationship, not right now, but give it some time.

[CLC2008]

I think its a matter of who cared the least.

 

Like Livelovelearn mentioned, there are times when a person ends things because the other person wasn't serious about you, when you're not on the same page.

 

Though, it's not so much about "getting your needs met", but rather being with someone who WANTS to fulfill those needs because they feel deeply towards you.

 

So dumper or not, when you have feelings towards someone that is of substance, but they don't feel the same, it hurts just as much.

[skydiveaddict]

The dumper has no feelings for you anymore. That is why you got dumped.

[Starsky_182]

I recently finished it with my girlfriend, although we got on well and had good times i knew she wasnt 'the one' and i didnt love her. It took a lot to finish it with her.

 

Initially i felt ok and like a weight had been moved but now i feel as if i miss her and im confused because all the time ive been with her recently all i wanted to do was finish it?

 

Its driving me nuts, its as if im trapped - unhappy with her, unhappy without her. Im trying to focus on getting on with my life but its very difficult at the moment - im committed to the decision i took, but its rather painful and i dont understand why as i know i dont love her!

 

Grrr relationships!!

[Heartbroken098]

"Its driving me nuts, its as if im trapped - unhappy with her, unhappy without her. Im trying to focus on getting on with my life but its very difficult at the moment - im committed to the decision i took, but its rather painful and i dont understand why as i know i dont love her"

 

Starsky_182, i totally understand you..even tho i was the dumpee, during the relationship, i had my share of doubts and sometimes i was really unhappy. I guess in a way he did me a favor by breaking up with me. Having said that, I feel so miserable without him too...so i totally know what you're saying..either way, i feel unhappy but i must say that im wayy more unhappy now than when we were together.

 

so how are you holding up? are you guys talking at all?

[GrayClouds]

The good ones do, the bad ones usually just find someone else to distract them from feeling bad.

[northstar1]

I am sure most do miss the dumpee, particularly if it was a long relationship. However, it is easy to confuse missing the dumpee with the hope they will come back. You can miss someone, but no longer want the relationship. The key to moving on it to realize that yes, the probably did or do miss you, but it is not enough to turn the tide and come back.

 

I am sure my ex did miss me and things about the relationship, but in her mind the relationship is over and done with.

 

It is easy to get stuck after a breaking wondering "do they miss me? how can they not miss me? why don't they want to talk to me or come back?"

 

The fact is, at some point, they realized the relationship wasn't working or they no longer wanted to try, and that outweighed the feelings they had for you. Some will take the time to reflect on the relationship, let go of the sadness and feelings and move on. Others will simply fill the void by jumping to someone new.

 

Either way, time to look out for yourself and move on.

[LoveTruthChaos]

Thanks guys - just read this. Very informative.

 

Heartbroken - I think we are in a very similar situation right now. I can relate a LOT to what you're saying.

 

the insight on here was great. Mine was cheating for a while before he ended it with me (LDR), and now he's happy with her. He ended it with me 6 weeks ago, but they've been together longer than that. Sucks.

 

All I wanted was for him to be hurting as much as I was, but no suck luck. I wonder how he could just erase me like that, never to think of me again *sigh*

[sunshine222]

Of course it hurts very much, at least in my case, me being the dumper. I finished an 8 years relationship, 5 years we were married. After the first year of or marriage I started having the feelings that I am not happy. But I stuck it out and hoped that it will get better with time. We were very compatible, never had fights, and had good times. But in the back of head every day I felt that I can be better off somehow. She was pretty, loving, caring, a good cook, etc. Anyway, I mustered up the courage after a long time and said good bye. I broke her heart for sure. During the first 5-6 months I was content and was even friends with her. But then I realized that I am giving her false hope and I should cut if off completely. I did and told her that. She was not ready for that and tried very hard to keep me as a friend. But each time I would see her I would feel good that day but the next day and afterward it would be just horrible.

 

It has been 6 months and I am still depressed and but I am sticking to my decision. Don't know how long will it be before I can be over her.

 

The point i ma making is that yes, after the initial few months, both sides tend to forget the bad and remember the good only. I have yet to find a day that I can say that I never thought of her. Weekends being the worse. I don't want to see our mutual friends either because I just do not want to have someone remind me of her. Life has become lonely and difficult. Always wonder whether it was the right thing to do but deep inside I do feel I did the right thing for myself. I am in a deep depression now and the antidepressants are taking the edge off a a little but there is still crying, no motivation for life, etc.

 

Some people I have told my sob story to laughed at me by saying that this is the first time they heard a dumper being so depressed. But this is what I feel and I cannot deny it.

 

I am sure and hopeful that a day will come sooner or later when I can be over her and maybe some day, way down the road we can be friends again.

[TheLoneSock]

In my experience, it doesn't matter who dumps who in a serious relationship - both sides will feel tremendous pain. Think of it as two people in a room with a bomb in the middle; it doesn't matter who lights the fuse (ends it), both people are getting hurt. And no amount of preparation by the dumper beforehand will take away its sting.

[shadowplay]

Of course it hurts very much, at least in my case, me being the dumper. I finished an 8 years relationship, 5 years we were married. After the first year of or marriage I started having the feelings that I am not happy. But I stuck it out and hoped that it will get better with time. We were very compatible, never had fights, and had good times. But in the back of head every day I felt that I can be better off somehow. She was pretty, loving, caring, a good cook, etc. Anyway, I mustered up the courage after a long time and said good bye. I broke her heart for sure. During the first 5-6 months I was content and was even friends with her. But then I realized that I am giving her false hope and I should cut if off completely. I did and told her that. She was not ready for that and tried very hard to keep me as a friend. But each time I would see her I would feel good that day but the next day and afterward it would be just horrible.

 

It has been 6 months and I am still depressed and but I am sticking to my decision. Don't know how long will it be before I can be over her.

 

The point i ma making is that yes, after the initial few months, both sides tend to forget the bad and remember the good only. I have yet to find a day that I can say that I never thought of her. Weekends being the worse. I don't want to see our mutual friends either because I just do not want to have someone remind me of her. Life has become lonely and difficult. Always wonder whether it was the right thing to do but deep inside I do feel I did the right thing for myself. I am in a deep depression now and the antidepressants are taking the edge off a a little but there is still crying, no motivation for life, etc.

 

Some people I have told my sob story to laughed at me by saying that this is the first time they heard a dumper being so depressed. But this is what I feel and I cannot deny it.

 

I am sure and hopeful that a day will come sooner or later when I can be over her and maybe some day, way down the road we can be friends again.

 

Maybe that's because you made the wrong choice. I don't know anything about your story exceptwhat you wrote on here, but it sounds like you may have thrown away a great relationship because of your own issues. Perhaps deep down you know that, and that's why it's so hard for you to get over.

[SilverLining]

If you felt that despite how great someone was, you weren't happy, then you weren't happy. Sometimes people are wonderful and you fall out of love anyway. You ended it, it took courage and time for you to end it. Don't make it more confusing for all parties involved by second guessing.

[sunshine222]

I have second guessed myself a lot during this time. It was not a typical abuse problem or "we just did not get along" thing. The issues were more circumstantial than personal. But anyways, I don't think it is wise for me to go back. I admit I do not remember the pains and anxieties I went through during the marriage but they were real. Like I said before I only remember the good times. The thing that annoys me is that even though I took a long time to come to this decision it is still very hard on me and I can only imagine how hard it is on her. But I live each day telling myself what's done is done and I ought to move forward. Of course I will love her always but I hope I can get peace and acceptance into my heart. And by the way, there is guilt as well but I am hoping time will heal it all...

 

At this point I would welcome some supportive comments...

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

but what if the dumper was SURE about his/her decision...

 

I think this is what it comes down to. Ive been the 'dumper" in most of my relationship and this is what Ive noticed.

 

The first one I wasnt sure I wanted to end it because I loved the way the guy loved me but I didnt like certain parts of his personality that were very important for me. I dumped the poor guy like at least three times, all because whenever I missed the way he treated me I would run back to him. However his personality would get to me and I would end it again. In this case, I was young, selfish and a total brat. I hurt a good man, who although might not have been good for me, didnt deserved to be treated like that....so that one, I just missed the good times and the treatment I had from him....not so much him per say.

 

The second one, I was so done...soooo done with his selfishness/self-centeredness that when I ended it, I felt SO free and happy. Seriously, I thought I was supposed to be sad but instead I felt relieved and free to do and be whomever I wanted and not worry about his negative comments towards me. SO happy it was kinda weird.

 

I never looked back on that one to this day and the more time passes the more I realized what a huge bullet I dodged.

 

The third one I wasn't as sure, I loved the guy dearly but I was aware he didnt feel the same for me. He thought he should, but he just didnt. Ending that relationship was hard as heck. I was depressed for months after and often tried to reconnect with him. As I said i basically did him a favor because he wasn't that into me anyway so I ended up acting like a dumpee rather than a dumper on that one.

 

Now this current relationship Im struggling with, again Im wondering if I should end it. However, given that Ive been there and done that, I know that if i end it now, when im not sure, I will always look back and wonder "what if".

 

Therefore, to answer your question, if you know your "dumper" was 100% sure he would be happier without you...then no, he ain't missing you.

 

If he dumped you, but then comes back out of nowhere talking how he misses you etc, he might just miss your treatment of him if you were sweet and catering to him....but beware of that...you dont want him to be in love with how you treat him, you want him to be in love with who you are.

 

If however you saw him struggling to end it....then he probably will miss you...

 

But then....so what if he misses you or not? He gave up a wonderful person, if he can't handle you the way you are, he doesn't deserve you. Dont waste your time wondering if he misses you or not, rather focus on dreaming about the guy who will love you exactly how you are and will never dream of letting you go.

Edited June 7, 2010 by 4givrnt4gtr

[shadowplay]

If you felt that despite how great someone was, you weren't happy, then you weren't happy. Sometimes people are wonderful and you fall out of love anyway. You ended it, it took courage and time for you to end it. Don't make it more confusing for all parties involved by second guessing.

 

This is true, but it's also possible he ended it because of his own issues and wouldn't have been compatible with anyone. We don't know without hearing more details about what went wrong. It rarely happens, but whenever somebody says everything was fine and they can't specify why they were unhappy, I get suspicious that it was more their problem than the other person's. Leaving a marriage is a huge, huge decision, and you better be damn sure you have solid reasons for why you are incompatible rather than going with some undefined feeling.

Edited June 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I have second guessed myself a lot during this time. It was not a typical abuse problem or "we just did not get along" thing. The issues were more circumstantial than personal. But anyways, I don't think it is wise for me to go back. I admit I do not remember the pains and anxieties I went through during the marriage but they were real. Like I said before I only remember the good times. The thing that annoys me is that even though I took a long time to come to this decision it is still very hard on me and I can only imagine how hard it is on her. But I live each day telling myself what's done is done and I ought to move forward. Of course I will love her always but I hope I can get peace and acceptance into my heart. And by the way, there is guilt as well but I am hoping time will heal it all...

 

At this point I would welcome some supportive comments...

 

Hey, I hope you didn't take my comment the wrong way. It was merely a possibility I was throwing out there. I can't say without knowing more details. Could you be more specific about what exactly led to you feeling unhappy?

[Brightmoon]

In my experience, it doesn't matter who dumps who in a serious relationship - both sides will feel tremendous pain. Think of it as two people in a room with a bomb in the middle; it doesn't matter who lights the fuse (ends it), both people are getting hurt. And no amount of preparation by the dumper beforehand will take away its sting.

 

What a wonderful analogy!

[shadowplay]

_______ ______

[xHurtx]

I have just dumped my boyfriend of 1 and a half years tonight. He was such a lovely guy who always treat me well and was so patient and understanding (I suffer from depression and have pushed him away so much and avoided seeing him) but I have felt for a long long time that we seem to be more like friends rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no spark between us (in my opinion anyway; he felt otherwise).

 

I can honestly say breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever done. I actually cried more than he did. I care for him dearly and really did not want to hurt him. I thought that once I'd ended it, I'd feel some sort of relief at finally having done it but I find that I miss him already and cannot stop crying. I've started questioning whether I've done the right thing... but then I remember how I felt when I was with him and it wasn't how I should have felt for a boyfriend. I miss him only because I care for him and love him as a friend.

 

So to answer the initial question, yes I think dumper's DO get sad and miss the dumpee. I also think there's a lot of pressure on the dumper to make sure they have made the right decision. At least if you're the dumpee, that decision is taken out of your hands.

[DenverBachelor]

At least if you're the dumpee, that decision is taken out of your hands.

 

That's very true. The silver lining of being a dumpee -- never quitting or giving up!

 

Ps: That boyfriend / girlfriend feeling doesn't last. The best relationships are based on solid friendship. Unfortunately it took me quite a few girlfriends to realize the difference between true love and chemicals.