Dumper's Perspective - do they ever get sad or miss the dumpee?

[harmfulsweetz]

As others have mentioned, it hurts around the same for the dumper as it does the dumpee. People so often forget that for both parties something is coming to an end, both will grieve it's loss, both invested emotions in it, and lost out, so it's true that both sides feel the same grief and pain. Often, people say that dumpers are cold and heartless (I was called that by my ex when I broke up with him) because we are the first to say what needed saying.

 

I've broken up with two serious boyfriends (I don't count the others as they weren't serious at all) each hurt equally. My last one my first proper LTR, people treat me like I was some sort of b!tch for having made such a decision, to have broken his heart, and still treat me so. (it's been six months). It hurt, but the R had been dying for months, we were both miserable, it was gone and it was far worse to stay than to leave. I was with him 3 years, we'd broken up 3 times in those years, the third being the last. If I'm honest, I sometimes miss him, I miss the good times, the little piece of my heart he now has, but I do not regret my decision. As much as I'd love to say let's get back together, (he still wants to) enjoy the good times, I know sooner or later we'll be back at this point someday.

 

There'll be days along the way when I'll wonder if I made the right choice, but there's no such thing as a right and wrong choice. There's just decisions, sometimes it works out and sometimes not, but for whatever reason, they were right at the time of making them.

 

There's a lot of stigma attached with being the dumper-no one wants that title because it comes with it attached-heartless, cold, bitch, prick, quitter-sometimes you have to quit to find something else worth fighting for.

[TheLoneSock]

There'll be days along the way when I'll wonder if I made the right choice, but there's no such thing as a right and wrong choice. There's just decisions

 

This right here.

[r6060]

I think it matters on the reasons too.

 

I've only ever been the dumper twice in serious relationships, been on the other end much more often. Dumpers can hurt badly.

 

The first, I loved her with all I had. Left because me being in her life was making life really really challenging for her and she wouldn't and couldn't ever let me go. Hardest thing I ever did. Hurt her worse than I've ever hurt anyone. Seeing her afterward for months and months, still in love with her, the pain still in her eyes while she tried to look strong was unbearable. I moved on quickly from her perspective which made it worse for her. But I never really moved on at all - hung on in my heart for years and years through several relationships. She healed faster I think by seeing me with someone else. I think I hurt far worse and far longer than she did - about 9 years before I really completely let go. I hurt because I lost her, because I hurt her so badly, and because I truly wished I was still with her.

 

The second, was a rollercoaster relationship. She would dump me and have 2nd thoughts, we would get back together then I would dump her. At one point the relationship just stopped being healthy. I was bad and left when the opportunity for a friend started changing into more than a friendship. She realized that the rollercoaster wasn't coming around again which caught her off guard and she took it really really hard (she went into missionary work) - but I truly was done with the relationship. I felt guilt for how it went down but not that it went down. No regret and didn't question the decision. I recently saw her on facebook and apologized because I knew it was a pivot point in her life and I had always felt bad about that. She told me she forgave me long ago.

Edited June 17, 2010 by r6060

[LoveTruthChaos]

Thanks everyone, this thread is a great read.

 

I'm still sometimes trying to analyse my ex's mind. It's been just over 2 months now since he left for the girl he was seeing before he ended it with me. For the majority, I've been staying only in my own mind and not wondering what he's thinking or doing, but a bad dream that I had a few nights ago stirred up a bunch of crappy emotions again and here I am.

 

He was always terrible at communication, but when he broke up with me, it's like he couldn't physically speak. In fact, the entire 17 minute conversation he barely spoke 2 sentences to me. He broke up with me, and yet I was the one doing the talking! He'd moved on so long ago that he just had nothing left to say.

 

It pisses me off that he doesn't care about me. I don't think he ever did. I would have loved for him to have at least said that he enjoyed the time we spent together while it lasted, but I got nothing.

 

I think the silence is what threw me into a spin all this time. Not knowing is HORRIBLE. It seemed so easy for him to just discard me, and that HURTS. He doesn't miss me, he's too preoccupied with his little beached whale. Sorry, but I'm angry!

 

Now, I have dumped someone once too. Many years ago. We were together for 2 years, but everything went pear shaped after the first year. He was my first relationship (I've only had 2), and of course, because I didn't know how to end it (and he would have never ended it), it went way longer than it should have. He had depression, and everytime I went to leave the relationship, he would threaten to kill himself.

 

Finally, after much advice from friends, I had to think of myself and myself only. I was tired of his emotional blackmail, and I ended it. That was honestly the best day of my life. I stopped caring so long ago, that I didn't hurt at all, didn't care what he did anymore, didn't care about him. And he was cruel to me. I never want to see or hear from him again, and I don't feel guilty about a damn thing.

 

Sorry that I've seriously gone off topic.

In my experience as both the dumper and the dumpee...I don't think the dumper cares about the dumpee at all.

 

Hmmm, just typing that made me realise it for my current situation :/

Edited June 17, 2010 by LoveTruthChaos

[bananaboat11]

The dumper has no feelings for you anymore. That is why you got dumped.

 

 

This may be true in the moment... but understand and realize...

 

This post may seem illogical... incoherent... composed of ellipses...

 

Well too bad.

 

Dumpee, take comfort in knowing they'll never forget you. Every person is unique... distinct from the next. You bring something to a relationship the next in your dumper's life may not. For that, you'll always be on their mind - whether they want you back or not.

 

If your ex is 'right' in the head, they're human. Human psyche dictates a distinct attraction chemically and emotionally that will never let them fully release you from their hearts... as much as they hate you. They'll never be indifferent unless you were a TOTAL **** lover, friend, etc...

 

I take my recent breakup of over I don't know how many months ago. I honestly thought she was over me 100% and moved on. I thought she'd never contact me... and she may never still. But regardless of my over-analysis of my situation b/c I'm a caring guy... can be emotional at times... I've unfortunately taken notice that she's been blocking me and unblocking me on facebook. Clearly, facebook is stupid as ****... but for someone who despised my very existence at the end of our relationship and told me I meant nothing to her after 5 months of telling everyone she was falling in love with me... I was ONLY good for the awesome sex we had... sex, sex, sex... I was her comfort... this unfortunate notice I took in her 'games'... lets me know I'm still on her mind. Whether she misses me... or is trying to forget me... she can't. At the time we were together.. I was unique... distinct from her past relationships and I'm sure from her current.

 

...and thus... as CRAZY and messed up as she is... from a broken home... all of which I was supportive and accepting of and trying to be her best friend and good boyfriend... she was manipulative and abusive verbally... I put my foot down. She dumped me over facebook and ran away...

 

...I'm still on her mind. BUT... I can't torture myself anymore... I blocked her on facebook and hope to never hear from her ever again. Moving forward is the best option we dumpees have.

 

I've written MANY, MANY posts on being a dumpee... and no contact and other things... but just remember... the ONLY way we will take them back...

 

 

...is if THEY do EVERYTHING we WANT to do to get them back, for us... to us...

 

...I want her begging at my feet if I'm going to even humor the thought of looking in her eyes again and saying "I miss you"...

 

Will it happen in my case? No. Yours? Maybe. But you need to be STRONG!

 

/VENT/RANT

[LoveTruthChaos]

...I want her begging at my feet if I'm going to even humor the thought of looking in her eyes again and saying "I miss you"...

 

Will it happen in my case? No. Yours? Maybe. But you need to be STRONG!

 

OH my GOSH what I would not do for my ex to come crawling back. I don't want him back, I just want to see him humiliated. I wish to God that one day, I will see him on his knees at my feet so I can kick him further into the dirt. Right now, I would love nothing more. Sadly, I will never get that honour...