Boundaries and the Law of Proactivity

[trippi1432]

All: I guess my other thread died and I have been out of sorts for the past few days; however, I have spent the past few days doing a lot of reflection and reading. A great book I came across was Boundaries, When to say Yes, When to say No, Take Control of your life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I also spent some time reading Healing your emotion self by Beverly Engell....both books are great and I left them with some people who are more lost than I was - hoping that it may lead any of them on the journey back to life.

 

"Law # 7: The Law of Proactivity

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction to the severity of the law.

 

Many have know people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic and we wonder what happened.

 

In reality, they have been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical or sexual abuse, or by emotion blackmail or manipulation. We should herald their emancipation.

 

But, when is enough enough? It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming "Victim's rights" for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a "victim mentality"." (Cloud & Townsend, 1992).

 

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). 10 Laws of Boundaries; Law #7: The Law of Proactivity. In Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, When to Take Control of Your Life (pp. 83-102). Grand Rapids: Zondervand.

______________________________________________________________

 

I find this passage interesting because for so long, I have been living this victim mentality...pretty much, we all do at some point in our lives...exiting spouse, bad job...etc. One day you just put it all down andscream STOP!

 

I did this almost a month ago with my job....overworked...overwhelmed, stressed beyond all stress points (ultimatum - Leave of absence or resignation....I've passively sat there and taken on workload after workload and I LET THEM DO THAT TO ME - control, it was within my control to stop it, but I didn't). When I look at my marriage, same thing.....we both had the capacity and the control to change things, but we both played the victim. How can there be two victims to a marriage?

 

It is in my control now on what I do next to make myself happy because where I have been for the last three days will humble you if you are still hung up on lost love.....there is far much worse things in this world to have issues with than just depression, lost love or lost faith....rock bottom can be as deep as a soul attempts to make it.

 

I've discovered my list for what I need to do to be happy.

 

 

1. Limit the stress in my life
   
2. Stay away from negative people
   
3. Live a simple lifestyle
   
4. Find something in my job that gives me the extroverted and creative ability to be who I am
   
5. Work on building my new house at the lake (peace and serenity)
   
6. Set healthy boundaries with kids, family, friends and work
   
7. IT'S OK TO SAY NO!!!!
   
8. It's OK to leave a situation that isn't healthy or hurtful
   
9. It's OK to feel happy
   
10. It's not OK to feel guilty for doing the best you can, 150% is not always achievable
    
11. It's OK that my husband left - now we can both be happy
    
12. It's OK to be just who I am
    
13. There is NOTHING wrong with my personality that I need to change it for anyone - it's mine - genetically, we are born with it, so it can't be changed. If someone isn't happy with it...step off.
    
14. I need to stop being a pushover, but not be a bitch either
    
15. I need to start enjoying life again. It's my life, no one can take it from me, no one can make me take it from me. I should never feel like I am living for revenge - I allowed myself to think that for almost 28 years....more than half my life....the past is gone...it cannot be rewritten, changed nor do we get a do-over. What I can control is the Here & Now that will take me to my future.....and I know, that I want that to be Happy...defining it in more detail and getting there is the journey. :o:o
    

[DadofTwoGirls]

Hey Trippi...I'm so sorry you feel like you do at this point but there is light at the end of the tunnel...I believe you can see it judging by your recent post...hang in there,see the positives around you..Robert Frost wrote that he could sum up everything in 3 words..Life goes on.

[trippi1432]

Hey Trippi...I'm so sorry you feel like you do at this point but there is light at the end of the tunnel...I believe you can see it judging by your recent post...hang in there,see the positives around you..Robert Frost wrote that he could sum up everything in 3 words..Life goes on.

 

Actually, I do know this now....and it does go on - pretty much, the point of my post. Lots of good quotes in that book....guess I will be running back to the bookstore tomorrow to see if I can find another copy of it.

[mimidarlin]

Trippi,

Amen sister. If I understand you correctly you're realizing that you determine your level of happiness. Some things are within our control. If we don't like them we can take action to change them.

 

These moments of reflection and realization are invaluable. I don't have the same level of responsibilities that you do. It allows me a little more freedom in my choices. I am grateful for that...but I think you are trying to do a remarkable job.

 

Whether you are achieving remarkable results I don't know...but does it matter?

You can't really control the results. You can control the effort you put in.

 

Good luck...

Mimi

[trippi1432]

Trippi,

Amen sister. If I understand you correctly you're realizing that you determine your level of happiness. Some things are within our control. If we don't like them we can take action to change them.

 

These moments of reflection and realization are invaluable. I don't have the same level of responsibilities that you do. It allows me a little more freedom in my choices. I am grateful for that...but I think you are trying to do a remarkable job.

 

Whether you are achieving remarkable results I don't know...but does it matter?

You can't really control the results. You can control the effort you put in.

 

Good luck...

Mimi

 

Mimi - Thank you sweetie, and you are right, this is what I am saying.

 

There will always be things that will happen in life that I'm not going to like, but the strength in who I am; however I perceive the world around me, how I set boundaries for others as well as myself and even how I react to those boundaries will be the focal point of moving forward to a better mental place.

 

You are right, you can't control the reactions of others, but you can control yourself.

 

I'm still on the edge of the fence about the job because I know there is much about it that did not make me happy...that is something that I have to work on this week. I know the market for jobs is terrible these days, but sometimes you just have to destroy to rebuild.......guess it's time to hit the negotiation floor.

[trippi1432]

Thank goodness I was able to not only find this book again at the book store, I also found the workbook. PW and I discussed the book a little bit on another communication forum, and this book is also used in some devotional classes for working on relationships with ourselves, spouses as well as others.

 

This became a very big part of our group discussion today with a lot of "a-ha" moments hitting people on various levels.

 

Boundary Myths, boundary conflicts, developing healthy boundaries....all of it...outstanding. You cannot read this book or do the workbook from a selfish, one-sided perspective, you will take absolutely nothing from it in that mind-set. I spent four days in the hospital reading this book (been telling people I am a total f'ck up), but applying some of this knowledge and knowing that people (women specifically) who are bipolar I or II run a 90% divorce rate makes a lot of sense on total lack of communication and respect within the relationship. A man cannot fix a woman who is bipolar just like a woman cannot fix an alcoholic. If nothing else, it has all put into perspective that there is not a man out there who could deal with a woman like me...and that is fine. Now that I know the odds and what I need to do to make myself happy within this illness...somewhere I can find some inner peace.

 

I recommend this book to both spouses who were WAS's as well as those that are standing for their marriage. I think both can get something out of it.

[You Go Girl]

Trippi--I don't know the details of what you've been through this past few weeks--when you've gone into your own dark abyss, but know that people here are cheering for you.

Of course there is a man for you. Maybe not right now though. Once you're stabilized with your new meds and there's no personal roller coaster, you'll be in a much better place, you know that! You're thoughtful and intelligent and there's no reason you have to be alone. Quit that negativity!

Part of my descent into my own personal hell was not having a job when I was laid off. Suddenly there was so much time to think, analyze, etc. And the sudden lack of demands and responsibilities from my job loss let me collapse. I didn't have to hold it together anymore.

I think this is common for people even in the best frame of mind. The sudden lack of employment can send anybody down into the abyss if they don't watch their head and what they are doing with their time. What I am saying here is--you're not defective, you're human!

[trippi1432]

Thanks YGG, but if they pump anymore medication into me...I might have to start considering myself defective or clinically insane. Who knows....Will have an interesting weekend of self-reflection and medicinally induced trances of lucidity if I am lucky.

[FarmGirl]

I really appreciate your threads trippi, I always get something from them.

[trippi1432]

Thanks everyone.....check back this weekend..it's either the 28 self-help books I've gone through or the Coca-Cola 600....while the race would be cool.....learning about why we women want or don't want a relationship is much more educating.

[Gunny376]

I've discovered my list for what I need to do to be happy.

 

1. Limit the stress in my life
   
2. Stay away from negative people
   
3. Live a simple lifestyle
   
4. Find something in my job that gives me the extroverted and creative ability to be who I am
   
5. Work on building my new house at the lake (peace and serenity)
   
6. Set healthy boundaries with kids, family, friends and work
   
7. IT'S OK TO SAY NO!!!!
   
8. It's OK to leave a situation that isn't healthy or hurtful
   
9. It's OK to feel happy
   
10. It's not OK to feel guilty for doing the best you can, 150% is not always achievable
    
11. It's OK that my husband left - now we can both be happy
    
12. It's OK to be just who I am
    
13. There is NOTHING wrong with my personality that I need to change it for anyone - it's mine - genetically, we are born with it, so it can't be changed. If someone isn't happy with it...step off.
    
14. I need to stop being a pushover, but not be a bitch either
    
15. I need to start enjoying life again. It's my life, no one can take it from me, no one can make me take it from me. I should never feel like I am living for revenge - I allowed myself to think that for almost 28 years....more than half my life....the past is gone...it cannot be rewritten, changed nor do we get a do-over. What I can control is the Here & Now that will take me to my future.....and I know, that I want that to be Happy...defining it in more detail and getting there is the journey
    

Nice list, I just see one thing missing No.# 16 ~ The right to tell anyone at anytime, "You know what? You can just kiss my @zz!"

 

I'm not sure exactly personality I have, I guess a Gunny personality. Most of the people out here in civilian la~la land don't know how to take nor handle me.

 

Our basic personality trait are pretty much written and set in stone by the age of six or seven. By that time we're pretty much who we're ever going to be.

 

Oh for sure and certain ~ as we grow, mature and move through life ~ the people we meet, the experiences we have shape us from whom we were to whom we become.

 

And there's not a doubt in my military mind that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not enlisted into the Marines and did twenty years in the Corps.

 

When the local Walmart upgraded to a Super WalMart and first opened up I would make my purchases, swipe my debit card ask for cash back, and for about ten times in a row the cashier would close the drawer without giving me my money.

 

Then you had to call for a CSM, which usually took a good ten to twenty minutes.

 

After the ninth or tenth time? I went off!

 

I told the CSM, (when she finally got there)

 

"I want to speak the store manager! Not a CSM, not a department manager, not an assistant manager ~ the STORE MANAGER!"

 

When he got there I went off on him. I told him ~ "This isn't the cashiers fault, this isn't the CSM's fault, this isn't some department manager's fault, its not even some assistant manager fault, this is YOUR fault and responsibility because your not doing your job as a store manager in leading, managing and training your people. Its pure neglect and incompetence. Your getting pad big money to get it right, keep it right, and to make sure stays right. Your not doing your job ~ and if this ever happens again? I'm calling your district manager! I'm calling Bentonville Arkansas.

 

To this very day if you go to the local WalMart and request money back off of your debit card? You want have to wait for a CSM I can promise your that.

[marlena]

I've discovered my list for what I need to do to be happy.

 

1. Limit the stress in my life
   
2. Stay away from negative people
   
3. Live a simple lifestyle
   
4. Find something in my job that gives me the extroverted and creative ability to be who I am
   
5. Work on building my new house at the lake (peace and serenity)
   
6. Set healthy boundaries with kids, family, friends and work
   
7. IT'S OK TO SAY NO!!!!
   
8. It's OK to leave a situation that isn't healthy or hurtful
   
9. It's OK to feel happy
   
10. It's not OK to feel guilty for doing the best you can, 150% is not always achievable
    
11. It's OK that my husband left - now we can both be happy
    
12. It's OK to be just who I am
    
13. There is NOTHING wrong with my personality that I need to change it for anyone - it's mine - genetically, we are born with it, so it can't be changed. If someone isn't happy with it...step off.
    
14. I need to stop being a pushover, but not be a bitch either
    
15. I need to start enjoying life again. It's my life, no one can take it from me, no one can make me take it from me. I should never feel like I am living for revenge - I allowed myself to think that for almost 28 years....more than half my life....the past is gone...it cannot be rewritten, changed nor do we get a do-over. What I can control is the Here & Now that will take me to my future.....and I know, that I want that to be Happy...defining it in more detail and getting there is the journey
    

 

Very nice list and I can tell you that if you implement these things, life gets good, really good. Go for it. I know I did and things improved drastically.

 

Staying away from negative people or people/situations that cause stress is vital. Surround yourself with happy people, people who still know how to laugh with others and themselves, even in the face of misfortune. Humour is such a powerful tool, a true gift, I think. Also, getting active and creative, doing things you like is important, too. it will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment so vital to a good and healthy self-image.

 

Good luck.

[marlena]

Very nice list and I can tell you that if you implement these things, life gets good, really good. Go for it. I know I did and things improved drastically.

 

Staying away from negative people or people/situations that cause stress is vital. Surround yourself with happy people, people who still know how to laugh with others and themselves, even in the face of misfortune. Humour is such a powerful tool, a true gift, I think. Also, getting active and creative, doing things you like is important, too. it will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment so vital to a good and healthy self-image.

 

As for divorce, thinking of it as a start and not an end is a good attitude that will eventually pay off.

 

All in all, I think you are on the right track

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

For those to be aware this was written specfically for trippi1432. I didn't PM it because some of you might learn from it.

 

I've discovered my list for what I need to do to be happy.

 

 

1. Limit the stress in my life
   

Well Hell yea! Who needs it nor wants it. There's a lot to be said for living the simple, non-complex life. Are you working to live, or living to work. Just this plain and simple ~ don't allow stress into your life.

 

Stress comes mostly from be reactive rather than proactive. Living paycheck to paycheck, rather than having six, nine, twelve months living in the bank. Having some money put back for those auto maintenance/repair bills you know are coming. Having enough money put back to go a year without anything else coming in and being able to look at your boss in the eye and tell them ~ "You know what? You can just kiss my @zz and take this job and shove it.

 

Stay away from negative people

 

Goes without saying. Some people you could give them tens of millions of dollars and they would still bitch, moan and groan. The Hollyweird and Sports Superstars make me want to puke. Brittney Spheres, Tom Cruise, The list is endless. Paris Hilton out getting drunk.

 

Live a simple lifestyle

 

The simpler the better. The less complex the better.

 

Find something in my job that gives me the extroverted and creative ability to be who I am

 

Or better yet! Finding a job that you love and would do even if they didn't pay you.

 

Harvard University did a study of what started out with 1000 business school graduates. Of the original thousand? About 200 stayed in the study that lasted over twenty years.

 

One of them graduated with summa cum laude, (Sidebar ~ Bill Cosby at a commencement speech said, "Some of you are graduating summa cum laude, others of you are graduating cum laude, but most of you are graduating "Thank you Lawdy! )

 

Even though she went to Harvard and had an MBA, and much to her parents shock and dismay ~ she decided she wanted to open her own hair salon ~ beauty shop.

 

She rented the first floor of a building in downtown Chicago. She struggled at first just to keep the doors open and to make a living wage. But eventually built up a clientele, a solid reputation for excellence and service. Added on staff.

 

The owner of the building came to her and told he was going to sell the building, and gave her first dibs at it. She wrangled a loan. Eventually she opened a beauty school (or whatever its called) and it too became very successful.

 

Everything was going great, she was living the life she not only dreamed of, but loved.

 

One day, a fellow walked in off of the streets and asked her what it would take for her to sell the place. She laughed in his face and told him she wouldn't sell out for a million dollars.

 

He came back the next day and offered her fifteen million dollars for the place?

 

She sold it to him. Its where (the now formerly Sears towers sits today)

 

Do what you love. Live your dream. Work your dream job. All you need is food to eat, utilities, a roof over your head, good dependable reliable transportation.

 

People are literally working themselves to death, stressing themselves out over having this and that, etc. The guy I work for is probably one of the richest people in the state. And one of the most miserable. I work second shift, and sometimes see him late at night drunk as hell.

 

Work on building my new house at the lake (peace and serenity)

 

This is more attainable than you think, you just need to shop around and find the right place and deal.

 

Set healthy boundaries with kids, family, friends and work

 

We teach people how to treat us. The job I work at working in a lab? The guy comes to the door, rings the doorbell, I come to the door and take the sample, prep it, run it on the spectrograph, bring him the printout, (I do a lot of other things ~ but this is my primary function.)

 

Some of them ring the bell and then wander off waiting for me to answer the door. I told them, "Why did you ring my doorbell and then wander off expecting me to stand there and hold the door open for you? I don't see you with a walker, I don't see you on crutches nor with a cane? And I sure as hell don't see you with any boobs hanging off of your chest? Do I look like a butler or doorman to you? You ring my doorbell, you need to be standing there at the door, waiting for me to open it for you! I've got better things to do than stand here holding the door open for you.

 

Now I've not only have them standing at the door waiting for me to open the door for them ~ but for most of them I've turned it into a game of "Quick-Draw" McDraw. (aka ~ Positive reinforcement) Plus they know that if they play by my rules? I'll give them a cold drink of water, a couple of paper towels to wipe themselves off on, put a fan out for them to cool off. You help me do my job? I'll not only help you do your job? I'll make it easier for you to do yours.

 

IT'S OK TO SAY NO!!!!

 

Not only that? Not just NO!!! But HELL NO!

 

It's OK to leave a situation that isn't healthy or hurtful

 

Not only that? But its essential for your overall physical, mental, and emotional health!

 

It's OK to feel happy

 

Not only that? But its your God given right! Thing is? You know who's responsibility that is? That's right! Yours! Not mine, nor anyone else's. Its not your job nor responsibility for your happiness just as its not yours for mine

 

It's not OK to feel guilty for doing the best you can, 150% is not always achievable

 

You've almost got that one right ~ but worded wrong. Should some Marine or solider that gave his all ~ all that he had to give for his country

~ his very life for his country go to his grave feeling guilty because he got killed in trying to taking an enemy position? Technically? He failed and not only failed? But absolutely failed in achieving his goal/mission.

 

But he did so in giving all he had to give ~ his life!

 

It's OK that my husband left - now we can both be happy

 

Back before the Internet, LS, etc. I told my wife, "I rather see you happy with someone else, than miserable with me! I love you that much!"

 

It's OK to be just who I am.

 

Damn skippy! You know? I wasn't the best man, person, husband, father, Marine ~ whatever? (But I was far, far, far removed from being the worse) But, I've always tried to do my best, give my best, give my all, to give more than 110% in all that I've ever done.

 

Granted? Had I known back in the day I would have made different choices and done things differently? But I wasn't who I am today back then? But I am who I am today because of who I was back then.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with my personality that I need to change it for anyone - it's mine - genetically, we are born with it, so it can't be changed. If someone isn't happy with it...step off.

 

Are just deal with it. I'm basically a good guy, I'm dedicated, loyal, can be your best friend or your worse enemy. I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't do things half~@zz. I give 110% in any and everything I do. I guard my reputation and strive for excellence. I strive to live and honorable life, and to keep my honor clean. I strive to be a "stand-up" kind of guy ~ and to daily just do the right thing. Giving other people proper respect and manners doesn't cost me a dime. I try to look out for others, and do right by others.

 

Yea I'm not perfect ~ like most. But there are parts of me that are pretty freaking awesome ~ and the rest? I'm working on!

 

I need to stop being a pushover, but not be a bitch either

 

Its a little something called "balance" I'm by no means a pushover, but I can at times go overboard in not putting up with any "perceived" (very important word closely tied to perspective {as in understanding the other persons perspective and point of view} BS.

 

A lot of time I've found that I just need to stand back and think about the other person's perspective, attitude ~ reason for said attitude. I've found that a lot of times the way that I interact with people has to do with people that I'm not interacting with but they are. Which reverberates into how they and I interact.

 

Tact? Very important word and concept! Treating people the way you would want to be treated if you were they, and they were you!

 

I need to start enjoying life again. It's my life, no one can take it from me, no one can make me take it from me. I should never feel like I am living for revenge - I allowed myself to think that for almost 28 years....more than half my life....the past is gone...it cannot be rewritten, changed nor do we get a do-over. What I can control is the Here & Now that will take me to my future.....and I know, that I want that to be Happy...defining it in more detail and getting there is the journey

 

This one is a BIG ONE! What was? Was! What is? Is! And what will be will be!

 

Most of us spend a lot of time worrying about the past, present and future ~ and there's no amount of worrying worth a single dime.

 

Nine out of the ten things we worry about? Never come about to begin with.

 

We worry about our partners/spouses/husbands/wives cheating on us, leaving us, divorcing us?

 

Hell all that really means is that you need to dump their sorry @zz and go find yourself someone that appreciates what you've got to offer and have to bring to the table! What one will abuse? Another can certainly use.

 

We worry about bills and bill collectors. Having gone through all of that? They're bark is worse than their bite.

 

We worry about the IRS and owning taxes. Call them ~ they'll work with you to work it out. (LOL Just make sure you call on Friday afternoon afternoon and don't speak to a black woman ~ not to sound racist ~ but black women that work for the IRS? They're some kind of serious when it comes to doing their jobs! They're no joke! They do not play! They're the Green Berets of the IRS! )

 

And your right! Live your life for yourself, not for others, not for your children, not for your parents, not through your children.

 

But for yourself!

 

Bottom line is? Get busy living! Or get busy dying!

 

Most people are about as happy as they make themselves out to be, (OK maybe you might need some meds to get through the madness of life and what you've gone and been through)

 

I fought it for many a year self medicating with Canadian Whiskey ~ just couldn't do it anymore.

 

Got on AD and anxiety drugs ~ and now after a month or so? Its made such a difference in my perspective, my attitude, my work performance.

 

I'm less stressed, less everything ~ I'm a good 80 to 90% back to being being the care free ~ worry free guy that I use to be.

 

I'm less "Gunny" and "DI" than I use to be with the guys at work. They're not Marines, and not Marine quality ~ no disrespect ~ they''re just your average working "Joe" trying to make a living the best way the know!

 

Since I've been on the meds I'm more respectful, polite, courteous of them and toward them.

 

I find myself saying things such as "Thank you!" Appreciate that! and taking the times to explain things to them.

 

I'm more patient with them, and understanding of them,

 

And surprise of surprises? They are of me!

 

Its not going to come in a day, a week, a month, nor even a month trippi1432.

 

But your on the right path!

[trippi1432]

It's a process...unfortunately, a long process in my case...not by choice but by policy. You see, I am "married" to this job for at least two years due to tuition reimbursements from the company. The latest I can leave the job now is May 2012, otherwise I have to pay the tuition back. It's not so much the material things and that is why I have to keep the job, it's not wanting to have file for bankruptcy. I really do wish it were that easy to just quit because I don't like the job. My STBXH is quitting his job, the day before his 40th birthday, he's selling his truck and his GF is filing bankruptcy. So, yeah, they are simplifying their lives, but to me, 10 years on your credit file is a long time to be paying the price.

 

If they give us another sign up for a layoff - my azz will be the first in line, you can believe that. It's actually not the company itself that makes me depressed about the job, it's the job. It's the trying to say no because the workload is already five times more than I can handle, and some jerk going around my back to my boss to get me to to it anyway. It's about everyone else having their priorities, being reactive and sending it my way because they don't have "time" to work on it. Doesn't even give me a chance to do my job and work on my priorities. I've been working on these boundaries since January, even informed my Sr. Director I was going to start doing this and he was all for it, until I had to put boundaries on him and his projects with unreal expectations.

 

NO just does not sink in with these people. I know, bi*ching about it is not going to solve it, but I am here on a leave of absence, doing out-patient therapy for stress, had a nervous breakdown and did some in-patient therapy. Is it worth it....NO!! A friend of mine told me that she thinks my brain just shut down because it knew I was heading for a heart attack. I tend to agree with her since I have not had he pains in my chest as much being on this leave.

 

Our group yesterday was on anger and anxiety and going back to work. One lady has decided that she isn't going back...easy for her to make that decision though, she has a husband to help carry the load.

 

I know that I have choices...STBXH told me two years ago I had a choice, I wish I had made the right choice then, but the past is the past. My choices right now are to just go back to work and cruise the next couple of years (and try to keep it together), quit now and file for bankruptcy or quit in two years and be debt free. Either way, I have to find a way to "fake it til I make it". I just hope that my Sr. Director's first words to me when I get back are not "We need to find you a man so you can get laid...". He's always looking out for my best interest. :sick:

[Gunny376]

I know about the stress, being 28 years old laying in bed being in the best physical health I've ever been in (ran six miles a day) with chest pains (Stress) and waking up with knots half the size of golf balls on my forehead (stress).

 

Now I'm living a free cheating, two-timing, divorce free life. Out of the child rearing, child supporting life. I work a low stress ~ low stress job with a low stress and no stress bosses and co-workers. Easy job,

 

The children are drug free, independent and self supporting.

 

Sweet!

 

Off to Julia's for a Southern Country buffet breakfast!

 

Time to catch the bus to Mexico! Might take you a year or two to get on, but its time to get on the bus!

 

Either get busy living?

 

Or get busy dying!

[FarmGirl]

Good stuff Gunny.

 

I don't have much to say on all this as I am in deep waters personally right now, but I am reading and I am listening!

[Gunny376]

It's a process...unfortunately, a long process in my case...not by choice but by policy. You see, I am "married" to this job for at least two years due to tuition reimbursements from the company. The latest I can leave the job now is May 2012, otherwise I have to pay the tuition back. It's not so much the material things and that is why I have to keep the job, it's not wanting to have file for bankruptcy. I really do wish it were that easy to just quit because I don't like the job. My STBXH is quitting his job, the day before his 40th birthday, he's selling his truck and his GF is filing bankruptcy. So, yeah, they are simplifying their lives, but to me, 10 years on your credit file is a long time to be paying the price.

 

If they give us another sign up for a layoff - my azz will be the first in line, you can believe that. It's actually not the company itself that makes me depressed about the job, it's the job. It's the trying to say no because the workload is already five times more than I can handle, and some jerk going around my back to my boss to get me to to it anyway. It's about everyone else having their priorities, being reactive and sending it my way because they don't have "time" to work on it. Doesn't even give me a chance to do my job and work on my priorities. I've been working on these boundaries since January, even informed my Sr. Director I was going to start doing this and he was all for it, until I had to put boundaries on him and his projects with unreal expectations.

 

NO just does not sink in with these people. I know, bi*ching about it is not going to solve it, but I am here on a leave of absence, doing out-patient therapy for stress, had a nervous breakdown and did some in-patient therapy. Is it worth it....NO!! A friend of mine told me that she thinks my brain just shut down because it knew I was heading for a heart attack. I tend to agree with her since I have not had he pains in my chest as much being on this leave.

 

Our group yesterday was on anger and anxiety and going back to work. One lady has decided that she isn't going back...easy for her to make that decision though, she has a husband to help carry the load.

 

I know that I have choices...STBXH told me two years ago I had a choice, I wish I had made the right choice then, but the past is the past. My choices right now are to just go back to work and cruise the next couple of years (and try to keep it together), quit now and file for bankruptcy or quit in two years and be debt free. Either way, I have to find a way to "fake it til I make it". I just hope that my Sr. Director's first words to me when I get back are not "We need to find you a man so you can get laid...". He's always looking out for my best interest. :sick:

 

Having gone trough Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Don't do it. Oh! They will definitely call, and send you DUN (Due Upon Notice) letters, but I've yet to have any of them take me to court to re-coup their loses.

 

You know why? Because there's a statue of limitations when it comes to most debt. A written mortgage or car loan is one thing ~ but credit card debt? They generally have about three years to collect ~ and after that? You can plead "absolute defense"

 

Oh the original owner of the debt will sell off the debt to another debt collector, who will sell it off to another debt collector who will sell it off to another debt collector ~ until it gets to the bottom dwellers? And you'll hear from them collectively for seven or ten years or more. You'll get a letter from them or some official sounding law firm ~ but when it comes to credit card debt? The general rule is about three to four years ~ in some states longer.

 

Bankruptcy is a joke. Most people don't need to file bankruptcy. If you can prove you can make the house payment and the car payment? Most bankruptcy courts are going to tell the finance companies, the credit card banks and companies to go and take a hike.

 

I understand completely about the tuition situation with the employer trippi1432. And my best advice would be to ride it out for the next two years. But you need to set some boundaries and set some limitations.

 

There are only so many hours in a day, and so many days in a month ~ and only so much you can do in a day.

 

And I know where your at when it comes to this job of yours. The closer I got to my retirement out of the Corps? The harder it got! I didn't want to be going? I wanted to be gone.

 

Its time for you to start planning on living your life for yourself! Just that plain! Just that damn simple!

[Gunny376]

Good stuff Gunny.

 

I don't have much to say on all this as I am in deep waters personally right now, but I am reading and I am listening!

 

You've enough post to PM, So PM me.

 

I don't have all of the answers to all of the questions, nor all of the solutions to all of the problems ~ got more than I can handle myself.

 

And I'm not perfect ~ but parts of me? Are pretty freaking awesome!

 

I know a lot of things about a lot of stuff. I've a lot of life experience.

 

So if you need a friend? You can lean on me!

[trippi1432]

Having gone trough Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Don't do it. Oh! They will definitely call, and send you DUN (Due Upon Notice) letters, but I've yet to have any of them take me to court to re-coup their loses.

 

You know why? Because there's a statue of limitations when it comes to most debt. A written mortgage or car loan is one thing ~ but credit card debt? They generally have about three years to collect ~ and after that? You can plead "absolute defense"

 

Oh the original owner of the debt will sell off the debt to another debt collector, who will sell it off to another debt collector who will sell it off to another debt collector ~ until it gets to the bottom dwellers? And you'll hear from them collectively for seven or ten years or more. You'll get a letter from them or some official sounding law firm ~ but when it comes to credit card debt? The general rule is about three to four years ~ in some states longer.

 

Bankruptcy is a joke. Most people don't need to file bankruptcy. If you can prove you can make the house payment and the car payment? Most bankruptcy courts are going to tell the finance companies, the credit card banks and companies to go and take a hike.

 

I understand completely about the tuition situation with the employer trippi1432. And my best advice would be to ride it out for the next two years. But you need to set some boundaries and set some limitations.

 

There are only so many hours in a day, and so many days in a month ~ and only so much you can do in a day.

 

And I know where your at when it comes to this job of yours. The closer I got to my retirement out of the Corps? The harder it got! I didn't want to be going? I wanted to be gone.

 

Its time for you to start planning on living your life for yourself! Just that plain! Just that damn simple!

 

Thank you Gunny...when people say "just quit" they don't understand, it's not always that easy. Thank you for showing some understanding on that, and you are correct on the rest of it too. Big Hugs!! (Already got me crying on a Sunday morning.)