Fell in Love with the wrong person.

[tykira]

I'm really nervous discussing this in public for the first time, but I desperately need to get this off of my chest somehow and hopefully I'll get some really good advice from this.

 

I'll get straight to the point. I fell in love with my close friend I grew up with from church. I don't know how it came about, but everybody wanted to be her friend since she was the daughter of the pastor. Everybody was obsessed with her family for some reason, always talking with them, discussing their issues, whatever. Those same church people would always ignore me and my family for some reason too. The only friend and support system I would ever consider having is her and her family. I guess I was one of the only people who didn't treat her like everybody else. We used to do everything together, like go over to her house and play, watch TV, play outside, play with the dog, etc.

 

Then we got older and things started to split apart from there. She was associating with her new friends while they exclude me. For some reason, guys never paid attention to me, dispite my effort to connect with them. But my friend somehow got their attention without even trying. My heart was broken to the point where I wished I could be the pastor's daughter too. I begged my mother to take me out of that church because of the pain, but she ignorantly refused. I threatened to end the friendship due to lack of communication and found out she was going out with a guy I had a pretty big crush on. After a three month disappearance, I found out they split up and she and her sister were gone to a summer camp job. Even though I came back, I had no intention of becoming friends again. I think it was over a year before an old friend somehow got us back together.

 

I don't know why I fell for her exactly. All the guys I wanted to be with either wanted to be light skin girls (I'm black BTW) or they wanted to be with her. When everybody else treated me differently, she never did. I became so dependent on her and her family for so long, I guess it felt natural to be around her. I thought God brought us together for a special reason. I told her how I felt a while after we became friends again, and was gently rejected. Time stopped for me since then. I begged God to make me boy-crazy like she was but it never happened. I just never had that connection because all my experiences with boys were terrible. That and my father wasn't exactly the greatest role model in my life either.

 

My life felt empty and craploaded looking back at it. I kept repeating classes in college, never had much of a social life back then as I do now, people still kinda treat me differently, and boys still don't like me. I've always had a deep fear in my heart that I would always be alone and independent for the rest of my life with no friends I can contact with. People always tell me that whenever I'm in need of a friend, I can always call on them. That's a lie from hell! Whenever I do call, they're never there. It was just a God smack to the face that has scarred me for life.

 

There is a silver lining to all this. It taught me to become for dependent on God and not man. It taught me never to depend or become close with other christians because most of them are hypocrites anyway. Most boys (in my world) are either gay, players or just plain fickle and/or hateful. I'm sorry I'm venting right now. All my life I've been disappointed by people left and right and nobody can make me happy except myself. I'm mostly used by my close friend nowadays anyway. I stopped talking to her after I confessed and started reading self help books on how to break my obsessive feelings for her. I haven't given all the details in this story yet, but my heart's kind of weighing me down right now. I'll finish this up later.

 

Thank you for reading this and please send in positive comments, if not constructive comments.

[stillafool]

I feel for you. I don't really know what to say except to tell you I am following your story. I guess I need more details when you are ready to give them. I remember how everyone kisses the Pastor's kids arses back when I was a kid going to church. I don't know why that is. Are you seeing another girl now or are you still involved with the Pastor's daughter even as a friend?

[tykira]

I feel for you. I don't really know what to say except to tell you I am following your story. I guess I need more details when you are ready to give them. I remember how everyone kisses the Pastor's kids arses back when I was a kid going to church. I don't know why that is. Are you seeing another girl now or are you still involved with the Pastor's daughter even as a friend?

 

Oh, no no! >.> I don't have any plans on being a lesbian. The only girl I've ever had deep affections for is the pastor's daughter. After that, everything else feels meaningless. I made the mistake of Idolizing her over God just like everybody else in that church, only I took it more seriously because I was lonely and had very low self esteem.

[tykira]

I can't believe it's been a year since I posted this.

 

It's actually been four years since I've started getting mental and emotional help after confessing to my friend and getting rejected afterwards. I've read self help books, went to counseling, talked to people, etc. and I still was stuck on my obsession over her. I had to start my relationship with God all over again because it was all based on the wrong reasons. I tried seeking to date boys but the ones I like rejected me or didn't feel the same way and the ones I DIDN'T like of course won't stop pursuing me. I just knew I wasn't ready for all that so I gave it up for now.

 

I hated the idea of being alone. I'm always at work so I can barely hang out with friends. Even if I did, I doubt it'll fill the void I have at not having that special person (or special lover) in my life. Then I came across a book that said "How to break your addiction to a person" and it pretty much hit the nail on the head when it talked about relationship beliefs and attachment hunger. After that, I slowly removed everything that would remind me of her and the only contact I have with her is at church. I don't talk to her anymore unless it's business related. Eventually that book has helped me stay physically calm whenever I get anxious and want to flip out. In my heart, she's no longer my friend. I graduated that part of my live and am ready to move on with my life.

 

I'm currently pursuing my dream to become a graphic artist and open my own graphic design studio :-) I thank God for getting my mind back and restoring me back to health.