He has feelings but won't date me?

[Ashes5595]

I work with this guy, about 8 months ago we became very close and best friends, we hang out and talk all of the time, eventually we ended up having sex, I told him I had feelings for him and wanted more, he admited to having feelings for me but did not want to date because we work together...then we had a work party, we were both very drunk, and we tried to sneak out of the party and leave together, needless to say we got busted. So all of work found out something was going on with us. We rebounded from this, and stopped having sex. Long story short, we have done this 3 times now, we get very close, then he pushes me away. I tell him I want more but he will not date me.

 

Even though we are not a "couple" we just as soon be. He spends the night and we snuggle, we lay on the couch and watch movies and snuggle like a couple. Recently he went out of town, and guess who brought him to the airport, me! He has introduced me to all of his family, he sends messages that he misses me, he does things for me, put tires on my car, picked up and delivered a 52 inch TV to my house, works on my car....ect. Its like we are a couple, but he will not actually commit to me? He has told me and other people he has feelings for me so WTF is the problem. The friendship is there, the closeness is there, even the great sex is there! The reallly screwed up thing is you can just tell, he has feelings for me, its so obvious!

 

I recently told him I loved him and could not be freinds with him anymore, becaue it was too hard for me, but I really miss our friendship, but how do you get over someone you spend so much time with? What am I missing? Please someone help me understand this!

[Splackavellie]

That's a tough one. i'm in the exact same situation as you but with the girl who lives upstairs from me. For the past month or 2 we've been having mind blowing sex and spend damn near 24/7 together. Well recently i couldnt hold back my feelings for her and came out and said "Look i'm really diggin you and starting to have more feelings for you than just a friend/booty call"

 

At first it shocked her but she responded "I really like you but i want to take things slow and go from there" that still makes no sense to me. but you have to understand a man can seperate physical feelings from emotional..sounds like what your guy has done, i thought i could do it to..but you can only have sex with the same person for so long before feelings get involved.

 

It's obvious he's into if he's sleeping with you and doing all those things for you. He just may be like my girl, he wants to take things slow because he doesn't want to rush into anything and because he really enjoys what you guys have now and like my girl is worried a relationship could ruin it. You know the old saying if it aint broke don't fix it.

 

My suggestion is call him, hang out again and continue doing what you were doing and sooner or later he'll come out with his feelings and want more, may take some time which will make you feel impatient.. but eventually he'll come around.

 

If not then count your losses and move on..its a tough situation to be in..trust me i'm living the same thing right now...but i rather have her in my life as it is now with no relationship "label" attached to us then nothing at all.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I work with this guy, about 8 months ago we became very close and best friends, we hang out and talk all of the time, eventually we ended up having sex, I told him I had feelings for him and wanted more, he admited to having feelings for me but did not want to date because we work together...then we had a work party, we were both very drunk, and we tried to sneak out of the party and leave together, needless to say we got busted. So all of work found out something was going on with us. We rebounded from this, and stopped having sex. Long story short, we have done this 3 times now, we get very close, then he pushes me away. I tell him I want more but he will not date me.

 

Even though we are not a "couple" we just as soon be. He spends the night and we snuggle, we lay on the couch and watch movies and snuggle like a couple. Recently he went out of town, and guess who brought him to the airport, me! He has introduced me to all of his family, he sends messages that he misses me, he does things for me, put tires on my car, picked up and delivered a 52 inch TV to my house, works on my car....ect. Its like we are a couple, but he will not actually commit to me? He has told me and other people he has feelings for me so WTF is the problem. The friendship is there, the closeness is there, even the great sex is there! The reallly screwed up thing is you can just tell, he has feelings for me, its so obvious!

 

I recently told him I loved him and could not be freinds with him anymore, becaue it was too hard for me, but I really miss our friendship, but how do you get over someone you spend so much time with? What am I missing? Please someone help me understand this!

 

I could be the guy in the situation... Maybe he's afraid of rejection.A man such as myself who has been rejected many times. i turned my heart off. All i can do is have sex and be nice. but love and deep feelings is hard for me to attain. it would take a lot of trust and hard work for me to even want to be in a relationship.

 

It's not your fault. but maybe this guy isnt ready. Maybe he does like you but he's having a hard time accessing those feelings buried deep down inside. Alot of men want a woman that who they are with their guard can be down. but we are vulnerable, and we dont always want to be that way.

 

Because that is when we are at our weakest. I'm being real on that.

 

My advice keep showing him affection and give it time. be patient with him. He probably does love you, he just have to admit it to himself. lol.

[Narf]

I was in a similar situtation... 3 years into it, i got out.... I tried to be supportive, i tried to get him to open up. Everynow and then he would then he would back off for a few weeks, my guess it all got to much for him. Eventually i realised i couldnt do it anymore i felt rejected everytime he said we couldnt have a real realtionship... I believe there is no future there so i ended it...

 

Good luck to you i hope your situtation is different! But honestly set a time limit for how long cause you may end up like me angry at myself that i wasted 3 years! For a guy that would not admit! what others saw...

[Ashes5595]

It drives me crazy because, it is all there, and I know that if he would just give in to it and just let it be, we could have such a great relationship but I am like you, I just turned 33 and I do not have years to spend on this, which I think may be part of the problem, he is 27, and I think he is not ready for the same things I am, I am ready to settle down and have a family and I just do not think he is at that same place and he knows with me, that would be what I want and deserve. I have made it clear what I want and I think that may be what he is afraid of. But like you everyone sees it, I have even had complete strangers tell me you can tell how much he loves me, they are floored when I tell them we are not a couple. I hate to give up on something I want so much but I will never move on and be with anyone eles if i do not let go of him. I just do not know how to make him see it, or maybe he does and just will not admit it? again just totally confused?

[petiteprincess]

Ive got a guy friend and im in a similar situation. I know its hard. I say stay with him and hopefully he will come around in due time. Dont rush it. Thats what Im gonna do. Be a bit less available though.

[xpaperxcutx]

So how long do you plan on waiting for him? I can't agree with everyone else that you should be patient and supportive in hopes that he will come around. That's like saying a girl should continue dating a guy whom she's been with for 8 years in hopes of waiting for him to pop the question.

 

If you have to be rational, then you have to realize how much this has been hurting you. You gave him the ILUs and you gave him your heart, but when someone can't reciprocate, what's the timeline for you to finally decide that enough is enough?

 

There has been alot of threads on LS advocating that sometimes no matter how much one wishes, it's best just to walk away. So walk. You deserve better treatment from someone who can give you in return what you give them. Afterall, isn't a relationship a 50-50 effort rather than a give and take situation?

 

And if you have to say you can't walk away, that's not entirely true. You can't run away from him because the love you have for him right now is like being addicted to cocaine. You take the small steps, which sooner or later will become a leaps, then a jog, then a run.

 

But first you have to decide what it is you truly want, a friends with benefits situation or a genuine relationship?

[Ashes5595]

That is where I am with this, I have cut off communication with him, it just makes it very hard because we work together. It is not a very big office so I see him everyday, several times a day. It is very ackward, I am a very upbeat friendly, outgoing person so I talk to everyone at work, I come through the office in the morning like the welcoming committee (I am a morning person) and it is hard to just not speak to him at all. I just feel like I put it all out there and what happens from here is up to him, I just keep second guessing my decision because we had made so much progress and he was making progress doing things he had never done before, like telling me where he was, instead of saying I am going to a friends, ...he would make sure to tell me it was a guy friend, when his phone would ring and I was with him, if he answered it, he would put them on speaker, I guess in an effort to be let me know what was going on. We make future plans this time around, planned trips together, but at the end of the day, we were not a couple, and I just feel like I deserve that, He asks me why I have to put everything in a box, and have a title, but that is just how I am, I am very much an all or nothing person, and I just think if he wanted to be with me he would put my mind at ease and reassure me by giving me a title, instead of refering to me as his "friend", because as long as I am just a "friend" it is ok for him to have other "friends" and that is the part i just can not deal with. I have to walk away for my sanity and self respect, because I am better than that!

[LucreziaBorgia]

The friendship is there, the closeness is there, even the great sex is there!

 

So... what is his incentive to date you? Not trying to be mean, but it doesn't appear that he has to date you in order to experience the best parts of the relationship.

 

If he wants you, and he knows that he has to make it official or you will leave then perhaps that might be an incentive. As it is, there really isn't much of a reason for him to change anything.

[Morals]

So... what is his incentive to date you? Not trying to be mean, but it doesn't appear that he has to date you in order to experience the best parts of the relationship.

 

If he wants you, and he knows that he has to make it official or you will leave then perhaps that might be an incentive. As it is, there really isn't much of a reason for him to change anything.

 

Wouldn't that put her in the position of manipulating her sexual power and using it as a tool to get him to "commit"? Sex should never be used as a tool, even though alot of women do use it as such.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Wouldn't that put her in the position of manipulating her sexual power and using it as a tool to get him to "commit"? Sex should never be used as a tool, even though alot of women do use it as such.

 

Plainly stating your needs (I want a committed relationship), and letting someone know that you need to walk away (and mean it) if those needs aren't met isn't manipulation. It is setting boundaries.

 

Now, if she said "I don't think we should have sex anymore until you commit" then yes, that would be manipulative.

[xpaperxcutx]

Wouldn't that put her in the position of manipulating her sexual power and using it as a tool to get him to "commit"? Sex should never be used as a tool, even though alot of women do use it as such.

 

No, she had no intention of being manipulative. The way the OP had seen things were that they were already acting like an exclusive couple- hugging, hanging out, sleeping together- she assume a relationship was where they would be headed.

 

The only problem with this is that most people- guys, especially- don't hop on the relationship so easily just because they had sex with another person. Not that the guy in this case is a player, but maybe he just had everything that a person was entitled to in a relationship without the " title" and hence saw no need to really settle into a " commitment".

 

Afterall, don't most guys feel the need to chase when they're presented with a challenge?

[xpaperxcutx]

That is where I am with this, I have cut off communication with him, it just makes it very hard because we work together. It is not a very big office so I see him everyday, several times a day. It is very ackward, I am a very upbeat friendly, outgoing person so I talk to everyone at work, I come through the office in the morning like the welcoming committee (I am a morning person) and it is hard to just not speak to him at all. I just feel like I put it all out there and what happens from here is up to him, I just keep second guessing my decision because we had made so much progress and he was making progress doing things he had never done before, like telling me where he was, instead of saying I am going to a friends, ...he would make sure to tell me it was a guy friend, when his phone would ring and I was with him, if he answered it, he would put them on speaker, I guess in an effort to be let me know what was going on. We make future plans this time around, planned trips together, but at the end of the day, we were not a couple, and I just feel like I deserve that, He asks me why I have to put everything in a box, and have a title, but that is just how I am, I am very much an all or nothing person, and I just think if he wanted to be with me he would put my mind at ease and reassure me by giving me a title, instead of refering to me as his "friend", because as long as I am just a "friend" it is ok for him to have other "friends" and that is the part i just can not deal with. I have to walk away for my sanity and self respect, because I am better than that!

 

OP, it will get better, I promise. In your situation where you are not capable of going through fully with NC, your hospitality towards him should stay only in the office. Outside, find others things to preoccupy your time with, like hanging out with friends, going dancing, or other extracurricular activities.

[Jilly Bean]

If a man has sex with you, and says he doesn't want to date you...

 

It's because he likes being able to have sex with you when he wants, but he'd rather find someone else to date.

[Ashes5595]

If a man has sex with you, and says he doesn't want to date you...

 

It's because he likes being able to have sex with you when he wants, but he'd rather find someone else to date.

 

I should probably clear this up....our relationship was not like that at all, I made it very clear to him from the begining that I had no intention of doing the FWB thing! No offense to people who do it, but its just not my thing...I am not built that way, I cannot seperate the 2, if I am having sex with you it is because I have feeling for you. Period! Causual sex makes no sense to me...it is the most intimate thing you can do with a person how do you make that casual?

 

I said we had sex, not that we had sex on a regular basis or whenever he felt like it. We had sex a couple of times and I asked the question of what we were doing / what he wanted and he said he wanted to be friends, at that point I explained that "friends" do not have sex and that I do not have sex with any of my other friends therefore if we were going to be friends (platonic) then we would be just that and no sex.

 

He understood this, and we continued to hang out, he continued to spend the night and cuddle, fix my car ect....even without the sex!

 

What I should also say, is this is very foreign to him because yes, he is somewhat of a player or he was until about a year ago, not sure what changed....and he has several girls that he has been or can be FWB with. Sex is not something he has trouble getting.... I have been there in the middle of the night when the phone rings or some chic shows up at his house.

 

That is the other part that is very strange....he has changed so much and settled down so much in the past 8 months. He used to go out 4-5 times a week, always have people/chics over at his house and stuff, and he just kinda stopped. Like you do when you start dating someone.... that is why this is so confusing, like I said in so many ways we are like a couple so what is the problem with the title?

[Jilly Bean]

I should probably clear this up....our relationship was not like that at all, I made it very clear to him from the begining that I had no intention of doing the FWB thing!

 

I don't doubt that you did tell him this and that this is NOT what you wanted. Nonetheless, you did allow yourself to become a casual something something.

 

You tried to create a relationship when he told you he wasn't interested in one. He never led you on, and he never lied to you. He maintained from the get-go that he didn't want to date you, and he hasn't. Being a friend to you and having sex with you, is not the same as having a romantic relationship. It's being a FWB. The belief that you are a "couple" is really only from your side, sadly.

 

My advice? When a man tells you he doesn't want to date you - LISTEN. He was telling you the truth, and you didn't want to believe it. The why behind the confusion you feel is irrelevant. The bottom line remains he is not interested in a relationship.

 

Move on and distance yourself as best you can at work.