Am I Being Selfish?

[GamerGirl]

Hello all,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now and we own a house together. I am 31, he is 27.

 

My boyfriend comes from a strict Mormon family and they have good family values. BUT, addictive personalities run in his family. His parents and sister are addicted to food and very overweight. His brother is an alcoholic (well supposedly recovering). And my boyfriend also has problems as well. He is not a drunk, he would NOT drink every day, or even every week or month. He is what I call a binge drinker. It's only when he gets around his friends that he has a problem saying NO. I believe that, on top of his addictive personality, he has some self-esteem issues and always has to be the "life of the party". This has led him to get 2 DWIs since we've been dating.

 

Now for my problem. He is currently going through the judicial process for the 2nd DWI he got in January of this year. He has been going to IC and AA since his arrest and also had an interlock device installed on his truck. He did this WITHOUT being ordered by a judge to do so, because he is trying to be proactive and prevent this from happening again. I've told him 3 strikes YOU ARE OUT! We also live in NM where drunk driving is a HUGE problem and they are cracking down on repeat offenders hard.

 

His regular license was just revoked as of today, but he can get an interlock license meaning if he has an interlock on his car, he can still drive (but only a car with an interlock on it). He gathered all the court documents and such so he can go to the DMV and get the interlock license. But, now he's being lazy about it and doesn't want to go until Friday at the earliest. I told him today that I would be more than happy to drop him off at the DMV at lunch so he can get his license and pick him up when he was done. He refused. He expects me to cart him wherever he wants to go until he's ready to get his license.

 

Now he has a VERY full schedule because of IC, AA, and his martial arts classes. He expects me to take him to IC today after work, his martial arts class TWICE tomorrow, and whatever else he might need until he gets his license. I told him that it was very unfair to inconvenience me because he screwed up, got his license revoked, and doesn't want to easily solve the problem by getting his interlock license. He throws this HUGE fit saying that I'm being selfish and that his DWI is not incoveniencing me in the slightest. He goes on about he's the one suffering and that I should help him any way that I can.

 

My take on the matter is: you are the one that screwed up. You chose to break the law and you now have to pay the consequences. I'm not going to drag you back and forth to work and all around town for your martial arts classes when you can easily go get your interlock license. It's like he's trying to minimize the incovenience and pain inflicted from his punishment on him, but expects everyone else "comfort" him in his time of need. Am I wrong in thinking it won't KILL him to miss one kempo class because he doesn't want to go get his license?

 

His parents BABY him to death when he gets a DWI. They bail him out the second bond is posted, they pay for the lawyer, they get his car out of impound. All within HOURS of being arrested because they don't want him to "suffer".

 

Uhhhh, hello. It's supposed to hurt, suck, be embarassing, and inconvenient. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED PUNISHMENT!!

 

So do you think I'm selfish in refusing to cushion the blow and making him face all the consequences of his stupid decisions?

[Ronni_W]

You're doing the best thing for yourself and for him by not enabling him. If he's unfamiliar with the term, you might suggest he ask a vet at his next AA meeting. It is correct that HE (alone) must suffer all the consequences of all his choices and decisions.

 

He is asking you to be his enabler...and his parent. You are right to set boundaries and limits so that you do NOT set yourself up as either one.

 

If you're planning to stick with this guy long-term, you might consider using the resources and support offered to family members of addicts, through Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous. That way, you can have informed conversations with him about what, on your part, constitutes "appropriate support" and what would just be enabling -- and feel 100% confident when you say, "No actually, I am not being selfish. I am just making the choice to not be an enabler."

 

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/index.php

 

Best of luck.

[Star Gazer]

My take on the matter is: you are the one that screwed up. You chose to break the law and you now have to pay the consequences. I'm not going to drag you back and forth to work and all around town for your martial arts classes when you can easily go get your interlock license. It's like he's trying to minimize the incovenience and pain inflicted from his punishment on him, but expects everyone else "comfort" him in his time of need. Am I wrong in thinking it won't KILL him to miss one kempo class because he doesn't want to go get his license?

 

I don't think you're wrong at all. Like Ronni said, you're doing the best thing for him and yourself by NOT enabling him. I must give you kudos for that.

 

I am curious though, how he is a strict Mormon and yet is "allowed" to drink, esepcially as much as he does?

[GamerGirl]

I don't think you're wrong at all. Like Ronni said, you're doing the best thing for him and yourself by NOT enabling him. I must give you kudos for that.

 

I am curious though, how he is a strict Mormon and yet is "allowed" to drink, esepcially as much as he does?

 

Thanks for the responses so far guys. You have found the word I was struggling to find: enabler. His parents baby him through the process and lessen the punishment and that's part of the reason why I don't think he's learned his lesson. They enable him to avoid the consequences of his actions and I refuse to do that.

 

I will check out the resources for family members of addicts because, despite what he thinks, I suffer great emotional pain/guilt in helping him deal with his problem.

 

As for drinking while he is Mormon, the Mormon side of that is part of the problem. His parents are STRICT Mormons, and since my boyfriend and his brother did not fulfill all their Mormon requirements, they get treated VERY differently than their sister does. They did not go on their missions nor attended church enough to still be considered a complete member of the church, thus they cannot marry in the church or do other things that full Mormons can. And their parents treat them poorly because of that. His sister got a BRAND new mustang, credit cards, and a full ride through college because she was a "full" Mormon. My boyfriend just can't live up to their standards, and I think that's part of the reason why he turned to drinking. He has to feel like the center of attention somewhere, so he drinks and acts like a retard so his friends think he's cool.

 

NOTE: not dissing on the Mormon religion here at all. It's how his parents use it against him I find wrong.....