Accepting a Second Chance

[BiAxident]

Much to my surprise, after two years of separation, I am being offered a second chance with mf XGF.

 

Thanks to this site, I maintained a relatively strict policy of NC following the breakup. Eventually, given that we had been good friends before dating, I dialed her up one afternoon. She invited me over, we hung out, and eventually she proposed we engage in non-committal sex. Fun stuff, which has become a regular weekend occurrence.

 

Although it began as harmless fun, she has made it abundantly clear that she is interested in giving "it" a try again, even going so far as to ask that, if I feel there is no chance of a relationship developing, I let her know. Thus begins my dilemma.

 

The primary reason which she left me was that I wasn't "professional" enough for her. We worked different hours, and I wasn't actively pursuing a job which would allow us to spend more time (see: all day) together. She was ready to start a family, and thus ascertained that we were at different stages in life, with different goals, and that was that.

 

So now, its two years later, and from what I can tell, not much has really changed other than the fact that its two years later (ie - her "clock" is ticking). I am planning to start grad school in the Winter, in addition to (hopefully) working full-time. We live in different cities, I have no desire to move, and I don't know how much time I would have/want to give her.

 

On the other hand, we get along very well, we share mutual friends, we have similar interests, and I still have feelings for her. The idea that I would reject her is unfathomable to me. At the same time, getting dumped once already ruined one semester for me. I feel that, regardless of what decision I make, it will be the wrong one.

 

Thoughts???

[brokenamy]

Stop over thinking, Grow some balls and date her =)

[BiAxident]

Stop over thinking, Grow some balls and date her =)

 

How wise is it though to get involved in a situation which already didn't work out before? We never really sat down and fleshed out the reasons why the relationship failed, or what we were each unhappy about in regard to the relationship.

 

So far as I know, she only dated one other person inbetween leaving me and now. For a while, she considered him to be, by far, the "best" person she had ever dated. Eventually, she figured out that he was/is gay. Thus, I suspect that she maybe simply running back to what is familar and "safe", in otherwords settling for me. But how long does that last? Especially if/when I'm working fulltime + attending law school?

 

Getting dumped in the middle of a semester sucks ass. All the more so when your future is riding on the education. Risky.

[kara22]

give her a chance! you never know what wonderful things may happen

[samspade]

I am being offered a second chance with mf XGF.

 

The idea that I would reject her is unfathomable to me.

 

I feel that, regardless of what decision I make, it will be the wrong one.

 

You sound like a man without options. You're approaching this from a desperation standpoint.

 

She's giving up her p*$$y and roping you in. Why? Could be because her clock is ticking. Could be she felt scorned by NC and wants to turn the tables on you. Could be she is just lonely. Could also be she truly wants you back.

 

If you can't bang her without emotional attachment, then cut yourself off and find some new women to date. There's no point in going back to a retread. Remember, you're a man, you have to make the tough decisions.

[stace79]

How wise is it though to get involved in a situation which already didn't work out before? We never really sat down and fleshed out the reasons why the relationship failed, or what we were each unhappy about in regard to the relationship.

 

So far as I know, she only dated one other person inbetween leaving me and now. For a while, she considered him to be, by far, the "best" person she had ever dated. Eventually, she figured out that he was/is gay. Thus, I suspect that she maybe simply running back to what is familar and "safe", in otherwords settling for me. But how long does that last? Especially if/when I'm working fulltime + attending law school?

 

Getting dumped in the middle of a semester sucks ass. All the more so when your future is riding on the education. Risky.

 

I think it's really wise that you're examining all this. I think many people would unwisely tell you to just give her a second chance, because that's what they're wanting with their ex.

 

If you haven't sat down with her and examined the problems that caused you to break up in the first place, you're right in thinking nothing will have changed.

 

My ex and I are seeing if we can work things out, too, and with seven hours distance between us! We've spoken with a relationship counselor, and we've both identified several problems we've had with each other.

 

I could make you a list of the different things we're both doing to address these problems.

 

So yes, first it's most important that you both have feelings toward each other; but you also both have to identify your issues and both be willing to WORK HARD to fix them. And this is a daily thing. It's not easy at all.

 

Think this through seriously. If she's just lonely and thinking she won't meet anyone else, that is the WRONG reason to reconcile.

[ComputerJock]

stace79 said she was in councling, have you thought of going to councling with ex? Sometimes it is a good idea to have an objective third party in the room who can direct the conversation and give input, IMHO.

[ADF]

I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest the real issue is that while you don't want to resume your relationship with this woman, you don't want to lose your FWB either.

 

Your ex made a big mistake when she invited you back into her bed for no-commitment sex. She failed to realized that most men actually prefer FWB to a committed relationship. In a FWB, a guy gets all the perks of being in a real relationship, only with no strings--the ultimate win/win situation for him.

 

If what she wants is a commitment, be honest and end this now. Don't string her along anymore. You two are just not on the same page.