fifi Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Just read a thread that a wife asked the O/W to have self-respect and leave her husband alone, my question is: Do these wives who live with a cheating husband have self-respect? I don't like these women who get involved with married men, I have no sympathy for these wives who play victims and blame the o/w but never have the guts to leave a cheating husband, either. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 My guess is that you're not speaking from experience, and have no idea what this does to a person. I don't think they're seeking your approval, you can't empathize because you can't comprehend the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Yep, those situations are often very complex, and involve many factors. Probably best to try and not judge unless you have ALL the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Fifi, read some of my posts; you will perhaps understand a little more. I have far more concerns than merely self respect - and a whole world more aspects to my self-respect than whether or not my spouse is cheating. For instance: if I needlessly break up my very fixable marriage, and screw my children over because of it, my self-respect will be much more damaged. Follow me? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 yep; i would not be too quick to judge any side of this situation. i've thought about it in my own relationship; it would be naive to assume it's not a possibility for either of us. a remote one at this stage, but it exists nonetheless. i think that's a healthy assumption to make; it's healthy to understand that you can never really know what another human being is going to do. i think i might stick it out if it did happen, hilary clinton style, if it was with insert workmate, intern, or secretary. it's not terrific, but i think you can be a wife of a cheating spouse, stay with him, and not be a victim. in my opinion, it depends somewhat on how well you can spin. if it was with someone i knew socially, i think i would leave him. i'm pretty confident i'll make it ok with or without a man, and i would consider this more of an inexcusable betrayal. it's tempting to try and judge the other way around after all the anti-infidelity stuff, i'm sure. but i don't think your post is heading in a productive direction and it is unlikely to harvest sincere responses. i appreciate your desire to at least put some new information into the debate, but this is a polemical and pointless direction. why not really rigourously address whether or not monogamy is cultural or natural? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by jenny why not really rigourously address whether or not monogamy is cultural or natural? Good question. Regardless of the answers, I believe it is the way couples should behave once they have committed to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Self-respect? Hell yes! Why don't we just bail the moment we find out about our spouse's infidelity? We made a commitment. Many of us have children and have to weigh what divorce will do to those children. We have a shared history - in my case 30 years of knowing him, 20 years of marriage. Self-respect allows us to remain strong to try to repair the marriage. Self-respect in my case helped me find the strength to ask him to leave when I had exhausted all avenues (counselling, behavior modification, pleading, promising, praying) and he still wanted the OW to be a part of his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 You sound like a strong woman brashgal Link to post Share on other sites
Fifi Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I know some people would bring up children as defense! but I believe they stay for themselves, not for children. and another great line is: "I love my husband"----at least, this one makes more sense than "for children's sake". unfortunately, the husband doesn't love her as much as she deserves. From my observation, the o/w moves on quickly and find new happiness with someone else, the wife who stays with her cheating husband suffers forever--she doesnt have to but she chooses to! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I'm kinda with FiFi on this one..... If I were married and he had a one night fling....I don't want to know and wouldn't care. However, if he had an emotionally involved long term sex-a-thon with someone....I wouldn't stay with him regardless. I'd garage sale all his crap, take him for every dime.....and make his life a living hell. I think this is why my exhusband just left town without too much explanation for 6 years before I heard from him again. He was SCARED of me.....and STILL is....hahahaha! Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 ""I'd garage sale all his crap, take him for every dime.....and make his life a living hell. "" lol. that actually made me think of a song by an R&B artist where she finds her man cheating and spends all of his money, and sells all of his stuff, and puts whatever is left in a sack for him. Revenge is better than money, she says. Link to post Share on other sites
Fifi Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess I'm kinda with FiFi on this one..... . . I'd garage sale all his crap, take him for every dime.....and make his life a living hell. You make me laugh! but that's what I would have done if I were in your shoes! Link to post Share on other sites
Fifi Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by Girlie Revenge is better than money, she says. Girlie, neither for money nor revenge, I think I would do it for "Self-love" & "self-respect". a cheating husband certainly has no respect for his wife, so, let her stand up for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Fifi Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by jenny i appreciate your desire to at least put some new information into the debate, but this is a polemical and pointless direction. why not really rigourously address whether or not monogamy is cultural or natural? cultural or natural, Does it matter? Sex drive is natural, does it give a man good reason to rape? would you tolerate a rapist? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 that response is a perversion of the question and commits a 'slippery slope' fallacy. but fair enough; my initial speculation was incorrect. you did receive intelligent responses, even to a polarized question. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I wonder whether it might be more welcoming to new posters if we did not criticize their questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I found the question to not only be interesting.....but very pertinent!!!! I think Jenny's response was to a later post question....... Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 i was initially responding to her position against wives; but i was wrong and i apologized in that case. you might try it some time when you've been too critical or unfair. the next question i suggested just was not relevant; and would have gone in even less productive directions with her response. i was wrong twice! wahoo! cheers babies! Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Sorry, finally got tired enough to sleep last night - insomnia had been kicking my butt! Fifi - you quoted: I know some people would bring up children as defense! but I believe they stay for themselves, not for children. and another great line is: "I love my husband"----at least, this one makes more sense than "for children's sake". unfortunately, the husband doesn't love her as much as she deserves. From my observation, the o/w moves on quickly and find new happiness with someone else, the wife who stays with her cheating husband suffers forever--she doesnt have to but she chooses to! Sure, I agree that I stayed for myself as well. I did love my husband. He had a lot of other good qualities in addition to the bad ones. Just like we all do. And I think most of us who are optimists are hopeful that the cheater made a series of bad decisions but now will stop. I wish it had worked out that way. I don't know if a wife who stays with a cheating husband always suffers, she chooses to stay and may trade off his affairs for financial security or other perks of married life. There are actually women who don't care as long as the husband remains discreet. My guess is that they won't be advertising it on LS. I also did not see the first OW move on quickly, I think she's still trying to get my ex back. The second OW is still with him and it looks (from the outside) like a pretty good relationship. I don't think everyone fits the model. People are different and do stuff for a lot of different reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I don't know if a wife who stays with a cheating husband always suffers, she chooses to stay and may trade off his affairs for financial security or other perks of married life. There are actually women who don't care as long as the husband remains discreet. My guess is that they won't be advertising it on LS. An astute, if politically (at least on LoveShack) incorrect observation. Link to post Share on other sites
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