northstar1 Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 I think in the early weeks/months after a breakup, particularly if you were broken up with, the lines get easily blurred. You desperately want to fill the void left by your ex leaving. If you spent all weekend with your ex, suddenly you are left alone with a lot of time to fill. If you are used to talking to them every day and now silence, you are left feeling lonely and sad. But if you examine your relationship, was your ex really as great the icon you've painted in your head? Would they have truly made a good partner for life who gave as much as they took? Based on their behavior that led to the breakup, were they truly ready to stick with you through thick and thin? I know that I felt very alone after my breakup, and wanted to reach out and bring back the comfort, companionship and affection.........but do I really miss my ex , or just what the relationship provided? As the weeks roll by, I am beginning to have a clearer insight that my ex perhaps wasn't the person I thought she was, and that down the road, the relationship likely would not have survived the ups and downs that life throws your way and it is allowing me to let go. And more importantly, that all the blame cannot be laid at my footsteps. Im curious what people think? Link to post Share on other sites
ALombard Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 I completely agree with you northstar. I just actually hit that point a few days ago. After looking at my relationship I realized that she wasn't the girl I could've built a life with. I mean yes we were together for a while but we started when we were kids. As we grew up, we both changed. She is without a doubt the great girl I painted her out to be. It's good to see there are others in the same stage as me. It feels good when your head finally clears doesn't it? How are you doing with your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author northstar1 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Share Posted May 20, 2010 I'm doing alright, having my good and bad days. But I'm not 'paralyzed' by the breakup anymore. I think part of my coping was missing my ex as a friend as well as a partner. But the more time that goes by and I can also examine her actions, I am able to realize that she wasn't as much of a best friend that a partner should be That sees your needs as much as their own . And that when tiimes were tough, she didn't act like a friend would. And that has allowed to realize maybe she wasn't the person I could be with for 5, 10, 40 years, ya know? I know i'll get there, and I'm keeping busy with friends and life, just takes time to untangle all the memories and emotions tied to my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
ALombard Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah I know what you're saying. There are times during the day I miss her or wish she was with me. Because we were great together when things were good only issue things weren't that good that often, know what I mean? So yeah I feel it too, I do find certain songs, movies, shows, reminding me of her but it doesn't make me sad I just feel lonely. Eh oh well, life goes on. But hey at least we a lot of time for ourselves now right? Link to post Share on other sites
Rarinbug Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 I definitely agree with both of you guys, my situation is similar too. Had some amazing times but she simply wasn't there for me in the very few times I needed her. I'm not a needy person at all, she by her own admission is a selfish person. I think most of us tend to idealise our past relationships when they are over. Reminiscing about the good times and that seems to heavily outweigh the bad. But in reality it was a lot more balanced or maybe even more bad times than good. I do think that things happen for a reason so I'm just trying to learn from my last relationship, don't make the same mistakes and make myself a better person for the next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Livelovelearn Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 I think it is interesting that everyone so far has said that the person they were with is not who they thought they were, have you all been the dumper or the dumpee? I have been cheated on and dumped, but when the other woman found out he was two timing us she asked him about me and he stopped contacting both of us completely. It wasnt till recently that i got answers from him, and of course he denied it all. Its really been over a month since i found out, and boy it sure does get lonely especially when you were so used to the routine for years. Could it be that the person we were with, was that person we thought they were, but things happen in their life that caused them to change? and maybe at one point we have changed as well. Well i dont know i know that my ex is not the same anymore, but i know before he was the man i thought he was. I think in my relationship continued there was some resentment from something idid in the past (not cheating, just invading privacy i guess) and he has never forgiven me for it. Sometimes i do miss him, because i felt we had this connection that so far i havent had with anyone else that i talked to, he knew this side of me that no one else knew and he made me laugh and feel so comfortable to be me at one point. Then other times, looking at the person he is today, i realize that recently its the relationship i miss as well, having someone there to share memories with. I dont know its still an early break up so i guess im confused. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 Good post, northstar, as always. I also believe that there is a distinction between missing the ex and missing the relationship. But keep in mind that the ex is merely the memory of that person and may not necessarily be who that person is today...especially if a long period of time has passed in which both of you had an opportunity to grow and change... That being said, 9 months later, I can say with some degree of certainty that I miss her (or what I remember her to be)...not necessarily the relationship...enough time has passed that the relationship has faded enough that I can do without it...but she had the traits, beliefs, and values of someone who I'd want to marry someday...and it's unfortunate that I had to lose her when I lost the relationship... But such is life... Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted May 20, 2010 Share Posted May 20, 2010 Good post my friend, I miss my ex because she was the only girl I ever considered marrying. I don't miss my ex because when she lit me on fire and I asked for water, she poured more gasoline on instead. I miss the relationship because I saw an end with her. I don't miss the relationship because I forgot who I was. Link to post Share on other sites
FearandLoathing Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 I thought about this recently as well, I was sitting around thinking about all the good times with my ex and I thought "I miss him so much =("...and I thought about that and realized maybe I don't? I don't really know who he is anymore, so how can I miss him? And, of course I would feel like I miss him when he was involved in those good memories. In my head, I made him seem like some wonderful person who I was missing out on because of all the wonderful things I could think of... but those memories could have happened with anyone. I'm not over him, but maybe thinking about things from a more realistic approach like this will help. Link to post Share on other sites
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 But the more time that goes by and I can also examine her actions, I am able to realize that she wasn't as much of a best friend that a partner should be That sees your needs as much as their own . And that when times were tough, she didn't act like a friend would. And that has allowed to realize maybe she wasn't the person I could be with for 5, 10, 40 years, ya know? This is exactly what I am starting to realize too!!! I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss my ex, I miss who I THOUGHT he was. By leaving he showed me his true colors. There were signs through out the relationship I was blind to, but now i can see everything clearly. Yet I do find myself missing him often, we lived together so it's a constant reminder as I am often alone. I feel like I miss him even more as my best friend than my boyfriend. Yet a best friend would NEVER do what he did to me. I'm less than a month out of the relationship I thought was forever, but I can see that he wasn't strong enough or selfless enough for forever. I can't stand when I miss him though! Wish I could just fall out of love already, he doesn't deserve my love anymore! I can't wait for the day I am fully over this. I have been having a VERY difficult time getting any feedback from my story bc my post is so long...everyone in this forum seems very wise and helpful...would any one be willing to give me some advice? I will appreciate it more than you know! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231985/ Link to post Share on other sites
lindberg711 Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 I also believe that there is a distinction between missing the ex and missing the relationship. You are full of wisdom. This is also just a great post, Northstar. Reading all of these is really making me feel a ton better. To be human is to need humanity, and to identify with others. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 Both. Mostly I miss all the wonderful moments, just being together, humming with that magnificent vibe we had. I miss making music together. I miss how he would come up with the most insane and gorgeous guitar parts to my songs, and improvise this beauty right on the spot. It's like he got into my head and heart and knew exactly what I was trying to express. Intertwining our music like that felt every bit as intimate as the most expressive and heartfelt lovemaking. He was flawed, imperfect. So was the relationship. But I think some part of me will always miss him, and the times we shared. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 Both. Mostly I miss all the wonderful moments, just being together, humming with that magnificent vibe we had. I miss making music together. I miss how he would come up with the most insane and gorgeous guitar parts to my songs, and improvise this beauty right on the spot. It's like he got into my head and heart and knew exactly what I was trying to express. Intertwining our music like that felt every bit as intimate as the most expressive and heartfelt lovemaking. Damn, now I miss your EX .... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 If someone missed their ex, they wouldn't want to date anyone else. It's the good parts of being in a relationship most of us miss which is why we continue dating, hoping to duplicate that with someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Heartbroken098 Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 i'm so confused right now too...i'm at the stage where i think my ex was sooo good and could be the "one" and if i wasnt so demanding to him, he wouldnt have left me. But i know we had our share of bad times and we fought a lot. so i think i'm just clouded with emotions right now and all i want is for things to be back at where it was. Im hoping one day i'll wake up and have a sudden realization that he really wasn't that great and there were a lot of red flags in our relationship. at this moment though, i truly think i miss him and not just the relationship:(..and i'm scared my next bf will never compare to him.. Link to post Share on other sites
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 If someone missed their ex, they wouldn't want to date anyone else. It's the good parts of being in a relationship most of us miss which is why we continue dating, hoping to duplicate that with someone new. The more I think about this the truer it seems. I am not ready to date yet, but when I am I hope to find the same dynamic with my ex (minus all the bad) and a whole lot more! This forum has been a great help to examine why I am missing my ex, Thanks again North star! There's nothing better then a deep conversation! Link to post Share on other sites
Ckyh Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 (edited) at this moment though, i truly think i miss him and not just the relationship:(..and i'm scared my next bf will never compare to him.. OMG. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!! I actually felt this the first time I split up with my ex....I went out with two other guys but I kept comparing and neither was as good as him...so when fate bought us together again years later, I was estatic...unfortunately , nearly 6 years down the line and even more happy memories later...the unthinkable happened again. We broke up. And it was once again my decision to end things as I felt what we wanted in life was different hence we needed more compatible partners... I do miss the good times we shared...I feel like karma is gonna get me. :'''( I'm so scared now.... :'( Edited May 31, 2010 by Ckyh Typo Link to post Share on other sites
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