How can I have a successful affair?

[Tiger-Lilly]

This is my first post and I know what I am going to ask for seems a bit naive but I'll ask anyway: how can I have a successful affair?

I have just begun an affair with a MM who I have known for two years and I really want it to work out, into what I am not sure at this stage, just fun or something more serious I don't know he wants (my gut instinct is just some fun) and I'm not going to ask. I know form looking around the threads here that I am going to be told to 'just pull out before I get any deeper because it never works out' and I accept there is a lot of hurt and there is no reason it should be any different for me but I am not going to stop, wisely or not so how can I just get it to run smoothly? Obviously I shouldn't fall in love with him and iIm not going to ask about his wife so what should I do? He's lovely and I want it to go well! I hope you don't mind me posting here, seems like the best forum for advice.

[califnan]

You will get lots of advice..

 

To my way of thinking ... there is no such thing as a "successful affair" .. The MM belongs to his wife .. thus the "rollercoaster" or pulling back and forth ..

[2sure]

Just never ask him for more than he can give you. Trust your instincts when you say he just wants fun/sex. As long as you dont ever expect him to think of you as more than a piece of as* that is available when he wants it, and you dont mind that the important parts of his life are spent with someone else, and you accept all of that...

 

Keep your expectations of "success" incredibly low and you will be content

[jwi71]

Define "successful affair".

[jennie-jennie]

It depends on what you mean with "work out". Do you mean work out as in he divorces his wife to have an all exclusive relationship with you? Or as in you two have an extramarital relationship where the good outweighs the bad?

 

The second variant is pretty easy to go about. It is all about your mindset. If you decide to stay as long as what you get today makes it worth it, as long as the good outweighs the bad in the present, then you can be a pretty happy OW with some bad days and moments here and there, but overall happy.

 

If you on the other hand stay in a relationship where the bad outweighs the good only because you are hoping for a future where the MM has gotten a divorce, you are on very shaky grounds. You would be living for something that very well might never be, something that even is most likely to never be.

[Tiger-Lilly]

Yes, that's hard! I guess I mean I want to keep my eyes open, my wits about me, not fall in love! Avoid the pitfalls, keep him hooked (maybe that's the main one).... I don't know, it's early days and I have no idea what he wants but I think it wise to trust my gut instinct as advised.

[jennie-jennie]

Just never ask him for more than he can give you. Trust your instincts when you say he just wants fun/sex. As long as you dont ever expect him to think of you as more than a piece of as* that is available when he wants it, and you dont mind that the important parts of his life are spent with someone else, and you accept all of that...

 

Keep your expectations of "success" incredibly low and you will be content

 

You can be more than "a piece of ass". You can be the most important woman in his life, his only love interest, his exclusive sex partner, but that still does not mean that he will get a divorce. There are other things than romantic love in many men's lives which hold importance, and they can very well be so significant that he wants to remain married.

[TaraMaiden]

So basically, what you want to be is his exclusive hooker, but without him paying you anything.

 

Does that sum it up?

I'm serious.

[Tiger-Lilly]

Or as in you two have an extramarital relationship where the good outweighs the bad?

 

Definitely want the good to outweigh the bad.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes, that's hard! I guess I mean I want to keep my eyes open, my wits about me, not fall in love! Avoid the pitfalls, keep him hooked (maybe that's the main one).... I don't know, it's early days and I have no idea what he wants but I think it wise to trust my gut instinct as advised.

 

And why would you want to be with a MM if you are not in love with him? If it is only sex you want, there are plenty of men out there.

 

Women tend to bond with the man who gives them orgasms. It is pretty likely you will end up being in love with this MM if you are not already. I would never want a relationship with a MM just as a sex partner.

[jwi71]

Yes, that's hard! I guess I mean I want to keep my eyes open, my wits about me, not fall in love! Avoid the pitfalls, keep him hooked (maybe that's the main one).... I don't know, it's early days and I have no idea what he wants but I think it wise to trust my gut instinct as advised.

 

BBM

So part of this A is self validation as a woman? Provided you are female.

If that is the case, your value as a woman is not determined by keeping/hooking a man, married or otherwise. That comes from within.

 

Why pick him over a SG (single guy) who CAN reciprocate with equal love, affection and attention?

[Tiger-Lilly]

I'm getting even more confused now! I am not in love with him but I do find his personality incredibly attractive which is why I prefer him over just anyone for sex.

[TaraMaiden]

so how would you define being attracted to someone's personality, and wanting them over anyone else for sex?

In many peoples' books this would be a pretty good definition of being in love with someone....

 

tell you what:

Cut off all contact with him for 5 days.

See how that makes you feel......

[carhill]

OP, welcome....

 

Can I ask a question? Since you knew the man for two years and I presume he was married during that time, what precipitated the transition from 'knowing him' to your 'starting an affair' with him? Did something in your own life change? To me, understanding yourself is the best way to have a successful relationship, affair or not. Your psyche, your motivations. Hope it works out

[jwi71]

I'm getting even more confused now! I am not in love with him but I do find his personality incredibly attractive which is why I prefer him over just anyone for sex.

 

BBM

You are choosing him because of the way he makes you feel (and not just the orgasms). This affection will be love soon and then all encompassing in your life - soon to be defined solely in terms of him and his needs.

 

Its not particular to you, most people have trouble differentiating sex from love - one often leads to the other.

 

Since you have clearly stated you are going forward regardless there is no advice you can be given.

 

I wouldn't get pregnant is all I have got.

 

We'll be here when this spirals out of control.

[Tiger-Lilly]

Carhill, that is a brilliant question. What changed? Well, we had always been flirty (but he is generally so that's what gives me sense he's a womaniser) but I was just kind of reflecting on my life what I had that I didn't want and what I wanted that I didn't have and it moved on from there, I ended another relationship in January, not to be with him we've only just begun but becauset the other relationship was making me unhappy and then we just kind of evolved about three weeks ago so maybe I felt lonely or maybe I just sod it, he's so attractive to me? Bit lost and just trying to keep my eyes wide.

[jwi71]

we had always been flirty (but he is generally so that's what gives me sense he's a womaniser)

 

Flirting is a low level sexual advance.

 

And if you can describe him as a womanizer (with a z, don't you UK posters speak English ) its because he is - always extended sexual advances to, well everyone?

[anne1707]

And if you can describe him as a womanizer (with a z, don't you UK posters speak English )

 

Not only can we speak English, we can also spell in English. That's why it is with an "s"

[jthorne]

Ok, I get that you're attracted to the guy, but why does that mean you have to have sex with him? Just because you want to? I want to eat that tub of Haagen Daaz in my freezer, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna.

 

Sorry, I know this wasn't the response you were looking for, but it would be irresponsible of me to answer your original question.

[Mimolicious]

Carhill, that is a brilliant question. What changed? Well, we had always been flirty (but he is generally so that's what gives me sense he's a womaniser) but I was just kind of reflecting on my life what I had that I didn't want and what I wanted that I didn't have and it moved on from there, I ended another relationship in January, not to be with him we've only just begun but becauset the other relationship was making me unhappy and then we just kind of evolved about three weeks ago so maybe I felt lonely or maybe I just sod it, he's so attractive to me? Bit lost and just trying to keep my eyes wide.

 

 

Maybe your MM had another OW, that ended and he went in hard-body on you.

 

With all due respect sweepea- The "reflecting on your life" part up there^^^^ is very contradicting given the fact that you are starting a relationship with a MM. If you didn't want your BF that's understandable and you dealt with it. Having what you "want" sounds like it was the MM, and unfortunately unless you are going to settle for chump-change you'll never really have to yourself. (unless he doesn't have any children and gets a D)

 

Like JW said. LS will be here.

[carhill]

OP, so you were 'flirty' with him essentially from the start, and you were both in relationships during that period, correct?

 

I'm asking these questions because I get this kind of action from married women a lot and want to beware of the signs, since women are often a lot more subtle in their 'flirting' than men are.

 

So, in essence, it sounds like the 'spark' has been there all along and you are just 'letting it happen' now. Does that sound right?

 

Absent the usual cautions about affairs, given the amount of time your 'flirting' was unrequited, meaning neither of you consumated it, there's a significant risk IMO of some emotional involvement and attachment, which contradicts your desire for things to be 'casual'. I'd suggest caution. What's your usual emotional style? Can you compartmentalize well? If you were flirting with MM and thinking about him while with your prior SO, there's a good chance you do compartmentalize well, so might be able to keep things 'casual' emotionally. That's the area I'd be careful about. If you work with or have professional contact with him, I'd be even more careful. Good luck

[jwi71]

Not only can we speak English, we can also spell in English. That's why it is with an "s"

 

Touche'.

That's French.

See, we Americans speak more than English.

Spell. I meant spell.

[ladydesigner]

I thought my A was just going to be fun too. Now I am here 2 years later...self-esteem shot, devastated emotionally, and still think of the a**hole. Hope you don't end up where I'm at.

[Tiger-Lilly]

So, in essence, it sounds like the 'spark' has been there all along and you are just 'letting it happen' now. Does that sound right?

 

 

Yes, that's about right. I know it's not going to end up with us playing happy families, he may even only want a short fling and not evenn affair, and I guess I could have predicted that I'd be told to not get involved any further but I've read some posters on here who seem to be chugging along nicely in an affair, so it must be possible for just a few?

[ladydesigner]

Yes, that's about right. I know it's not going to end up with us playing happy families, he may even only want a short fling and not evenn affair, and I guess I could have predicted that I'd be told to not get involved any further but I've read some posters on here who seem to be chugging along nicely in an affair, so it must be possible for just a few?

 

I have a question for you. How will you feel once the fling is over and he decides he is going back to work on his M? Are you going to be okay with knowing you were just a fling? It is not a great feeling I live it everyday knowing that's probably all I was. I don't mean to sound harsh but I really wish someone would have knocked some sense into before I embarked on my A.