How can I have a successful affair?

[Tiger-Lilly]

Oh, I know he won't leave his wife, don't know how I'll feel when the bubble bursts. Just thought posting here might give me a bit more insight and help me to watch my step. Though someone might have made a success of their affair!

[Owl]

Again, what's your definition of a successful affair????

 

What are you hoping to get out of this?

 

Are you just looking for the opportunity to sleep together once in a while?

 

Are you hoping that it turns into a deeper emotional relationship?

 

What is your criteria for "successful" here?

[ladydesigner]

Oh, I know he won't leave his wife, don't know how I'll feel when the bubble bursts. Just thought posting here might give me a bit more insight and help me to watch my step. Though someone might have made a success of their affair!

 

The Other Woman Forum (TOW) they are very supportive of A's and a lot of them would consider their A's successful. You may not find a lot of that here. It sounds like you are okay with it. Why not just pursue it then and just be happy about it all. I guess it could be successful in those terms.

[Tiger-Lilly]

At this point I don't know, it's too soon but as an earlier poster wrote a relationship where the good times outweigh the bad.

[jthorne]

At this point I don't know, it's too soon but as an earlier poster wrote a relationship where the good times outweigh the bad.

Well, that's interesting. If you're talking about the post I think you are, that post was quite a while ago. Have you been lurking here unregistered, reading old posts?

[Tiger-Lilly]

It was written by someone about an hour ago on this thread. 'Lurking' no I haven't makes me sound sinister too!

[Mimolicious]

The Other Woman Forum (TOW) they are very supportive of A's and a lot of them would consider their A's successful. You may not find a lot of that here. It sounds like you are okay with it. Why not just pursue it then and just be happy about it all. I guess it could be successful in those terms.

 

Hello! This is the OTW forum.

 

Tiger- Cookie cutter may not apply in relationships, especially in an A.

Your best bet may be to stop being around the bushes and so disconnected from your MM's reality. Have a talk with your MM about what the both of you may expect from whatever it is that you 2 are going to step into.

[jthorne]

Mimo- I think she's referring to another forum not on Loveshack. It's not an open forum, you have to be approved by the moderator.

[Heather1]

It doesn't really matter if you maintain a distance, he has to as well. In my case, I didn't expect anything & it still was a rollercoaster because of his stuff. Have fun, until it's not fun anymore which happens pretty quickly & by then you're addicted.

[MorningCoffee]

I suggest you check out "Will He Really Leave Her for Me?" by Rona Subotnik. Unfortunate title, great book. Especially helpful are discussions on the phases affairs commonly progress through, as well as on the patterns that emerge from the existence of a triangle of relationships, one couple in which share a lot of life but not this part, another couple in which must typically keep lots of secrets, and one member of whom is commonly lied to and kept unknowing of what his/her married partner is involved in. Not that your or anyone else's affair will follow any particular pattern or be predictable, but it can be incredibly helpful to see what those who have looked at the phenomenon in a dispassionate way have to say about it. Maybe there will be some insights there that will help you to see clearly what you are embarking upon.

[joey66]

Tiger-Lilly - Concerning your original question, keep in mind that the answers you receive will alomost certainly be biased. Most (but not all) of us here are not in successful As. Our As went wrong. That's WHY we are here. Those folks in successful As are to busy having hot sex to bother with LS.

[Owl]

At this point I don't know, it's too soon but as an earlier poster wrote a relationship where the good times outweigh the bad.

 

I'd like to suggest that if you're not sure what a "successful affair" would look like, we'd be hard pressed to help advise you on how to have one.

 

Think about what you really, really want out of all of this.

 

What is it you're actually hoping to have happen with this man, what is it that you're feeling is required to make this "worth it" to you?

 

Be specific.

 

Write it down...then come back and post it here as your "criteria for success". THEN other posters should be able to advise you.

 

But without it, there's nothing for us to use as a basis to help you. You're asking for directions to someplace without telling us exactly where it is you want to go.

[bittersweet memories]

Well, that's interesting. If you're talking about the post I think you are, that post was quite a while ago. Have you been lurking here unregistered, reading old posts?

 

I think she's talking about Jennie-Jennie's advice.

[jthorne]

I think she's talking about Jennie-Jennie's advice.

Gotcha. My apologies, OP.

[jennie-jennie]

Some of us OW here on LS are predominantly happy in our affairs. It tends to be those of us who are unapologetic and unrepentful. Most of us are in love with our MM, and hoping that some day he will get a divorce.

 

OWoman is a former serial OW who never fell in love with her MM until the very last affair she had with her now husband. She was "successful" in having relationships with MM for sex only. She deliberately chose MM since she did not want to get deeply emotionally involved with them. So it is possible. Look for her posts. She is a very wise woman.

[wish2b]

Ok, I know I said I would not post again, but I have been reading. Maybe I was on the wrong forum in the first place. Where is the forum with the women that want to support those of us torn?

 

But let me reply to this without being bashed. I have been having an affair for a little over 5 years. Successful and the word affair make a double sided sword. Started as sex. He is wonderful! I didn't think of anyone else involved. I did not set out to hurt anyone. Sex turned to best of friends and now love. The hard part is that I love him deeply. I am divorced. He is married. I am always questioning where I stand. I always have in my mind that I am ok with how things are and I will just take what I can get when I can. I NEVER want to hurt his family. (please don't respond that I am..... I know that). I am not stupid. I consider it a successful A because we have not been caught. But the truth is, there is nothing successful about falling for someone you can't have. Knowing that they are spending the holidays and the important moments in life with someone other than you. You can say all day long that it is enough, but at some point, you realize that you are truly lonely and you start to want more. I would never ask him for more and I tell him that I understand that he can't give me more.

How did I keep it going this long? I tried very hard to be what he was missing at home. Easy at first. No question, fun sex, laugh and the sky is the limit. Then there is always the wonder when he can't make it is it because there is a third one out there? We are women. We connect dots and all it does is drive us crazy. And by the time you know it, you are full blown in love and you can't see your day without talking to him 2 or 3 times.

 

Now, he is in a situation where he has other problems in his marriage. We spent a lot of time together and his W never seemed suspicious. There are so many stories where I just always thought, "why isn't she here supporting him" when he would have something going on. I was there for other reason but she never showed up. So, I always wondered if she didn't have someone else as well. She went out of town alot "shopping". Strange. Anyway, now here he is at a crossroads and I am not sure that he will choose me if his M fails. I am not even sure that he wants me around right now. So, the hurt starts. I am in total love and he is truly my best friend. I know he is in a funk because of his children. But, it answers my question in my head of whether the A was successful. If it was, there would be no question that I would there with him right now. Instead I am in the wings....

 

So, TL, for women, sex becomes emotional and you will get emotionally involved and most likely fall for him. The excitement does that to you. You just need to be prepared for it.

 

Oh, and just so you know, you are going to get bashed by some of these people, but I know exactly the rush you are feeling........ it's hard to ignore.

[joey66]

You can say all day long that it is enough, but at some point, you realize that you are truly lonely and you start to want more.

 

This is a fair point, and I think it applies for TL, but not to the case when both APs are M. It that case, I think it can be enough.

 

We are women.

 

Well, not all of us.

 

Oh, and just so you know, you are going to get bashed by some of these people, but I know exactly the rush you are feeling........ it's hard to ignore.

 

You won't get bashed by me. I'm with wish2b here. I know only too well "the rush" that comes with the EMR. If it weren't so powerful, then we wouldn't need forums like this. Forums for support. Support by women and the occasional man.

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, I know I said I would not post again, but I have been reading. Maybe I was on the wrong forum in the first place. Where is the forum with the women that want to support those of us torn?

 

Good to see you back, wish2b! :bunny:

 

Just google it. Be sure to put forum after "the other woman", because there are two different ones with almost the same name if I am not mistaken?

 

I am a member of one of these forums as well, but believe it or not I prefer LS! We have freedom of speech here. Yes, a little too much perhaps, but maybe that is the price we have to pay to be able to express a wide variety of opinions. The other forum is kind of one-sided in my opinion. Here on LS the waves of discussions rise high. You just have to put on something fireproof so you can get through them without too many burns.

[Hazyhead]

A 'successful affair'. Not quite an oxymoron... but frighteningly close. Tigerlily, I'm a former OW that has experienced the highs of the A, and they are powerful, but in my opinion, there is very rarely an affair that remains 'succesful' (if your basis for success is the high points). Sooner or later something has to give. Sure, the APs might end up together living those highs for enternity, but the probability of that is as low as that of it not being snowy at Santa's house. And, in that situation, is it still successful if his family is hurt in the process?

 

Affairs are messy Tiger. Like the others said, keep posting.

[Hazyhead]

Here on LS the waves of discussions rise high. You just have to put on something fireproof so you can get through them without too many burns.

 

I like this analogy Jennie

 

Not quite freedom of speech really, i can think of free speakers that have been silenced, but for the most part, you're right.

 

And keep posting wish2be

[jennie-jennie]

I suggest you check out "Will He Really Leave Her for Me?" by Rona Subotnik. Unfortunate title, great book. Especially helpful are discussions on the phases affairs commonly progress through, as well as on the patterns that emerge from the existence of a triangle of relationships, one couple in which share a lot of life but not this part, another couple in which must typically keep lots of secrets, and one member of whom is commonly lied to and kept unknowing of what his/her married partner is involved in. Not that your or anyone else's affair will follow any particular pattern or be predictable, but it can be incredibly helpful to see what those who have looked at the phenomenon in a dispassionate way have to say about it. Maybe there will be some insights there that will help you to see clearly what you are embarking upon.

 

Nah, I didn't really like that book. Too pro-marriage for me. There were a few tidbits here and there that were interesting though.

[jwi71]

Good to see you back, wish2b! :bunny:

 

Just google it. Be sure to put forum after "the other woman", because there are two different ones with almost the same name if I am not mistaken?

 

I am a member of one of these forums as well, but believe it or not I prefer LS! We have freedom of speech here. Yes, a little too much perhaps, but maybe that is the price we have to pay to be able to express a wide variety of opinions. The other forum is kind of one-sided in my opinion. Here on LS the waves of discussions rise high. You just have to put on something fireproof so you can get through them without too many burns.

 

So very true, especially of TOW.

I think that is the one that only allows the OM/OW - no BS allowed, yes?

Additionally, I think one even goes so far to removes posts which cast an A in a "negative" light...its all skin deep cheer-leading which does little to assuage the emotions of the OW/OM.

 

Some end up here and like you said - prefer LS.

 

I have found that LS, while not perfect, offers a good mix of posters and messages - usually done well. We also have a really good mod which helps.

[RainDown]

Yes, that's about right. I know it's not going to end up with us playing happy families, he may even only want a short fling and not evenn affair, and I guess I could have predicted that I'd be told to not get involved any further but I've read some posters on here who seem to be chugging along nicely in an affair, so it must be possible for just a few?

 

As someone said earlier, it depends on what you want and what you consider a successful affair. I've had a few "successful" affairs without any real problems on either side. I'm convinced though that I was able to do that because I have no interest in a monogamous, happily-ever-after, relationship. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, or husband, or white picket fence. I enjoy people for today without the desire to commit, move in together, or get married. It doesn't bother me in the least that a man I'm in a relationship with has a wife at home. It's not relevant to me. The fact that you are already thinking about his marriage by posting about it here is a red flag because it tells me his marriage is already important to you.

 

If, you want a boyfriend or a husband type relationship (and children) you're barking up a dangerous tree - and you will get hurt. A man who is already married cannot be your boyfriend or your husband and if that bothers you even a little bit, don't go there. Married men are temporary companions, and you have to always remember they are on a different path than you are. Trying to change their path, or change the situation, or twisting yourself into a pretzel in order to "deal with" the situation will just bring you heartache.

 

You need to figure out why you are contemplating this and whether or not an affair with this man will meet your needs or not. Yeah, I know you're attracted to him and want to jump his bones, but that may not be the best thing for you in the long run. Most people who end up devastated by affairs are devastated because they are looking for a traditional relationship. You cannot have that with a person who is already committed elsewhere. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

 

I have positive, happy memories of my affairs because those relationships naturally met my needs as opposed to me trying to figure out how to fit myself into the situation and somehow be happy and deal with it. The latter is not a good idea, and you're doing it already. You should be asking yourself, "Does this situation meet my needs?" not "What can I do to make this affair run smoothly?" The fact that you are already making a list (don't ask about the wife; don't fall in love) says to me you already know you're putting yourself in a precarious position and you already know this is not a great idea.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide. And I mean absolutely no offense, but don't think with your crotch. That doesn't generally work out well for anybody.

[naturegirl]

I would ask yourself if you are willing and okay with waiting. Waiting for him to contact you. Waiting for him to be with you and are you okay with him calling all the shots because he is married and you are not. You will not have any control in this relationship because everything will depend on his moves.

[abhinavchoudhary74]

having an affair isn't fun or timepassing....the day u will have a real one, that time u will realize.....