Mombot Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 I am seeing a man who I recently found out is separated but not divorced. Yea, now I'm the other woman. Almost felt like walking away from the whole thing, but I really enjoy him, his company, his sexuality, the gifts dinners and vacations. Can there be an affair with benefits outweighing the detriments? I guess we'll both find out. So ask yourself, what are you going to get out of it? Positive? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 Mombot, welcome to LS. You might want to start a thread on your situation and we can comment and offer support. I'm separated, pending finalization of our divorce, and haven't lived with stbx in over a year. There are different levels of separation, both physically and emotionally. Stbx has been dating for a good while now. Men apparently have no similar inhibitions (about dating a separated woman) I think, like with the OP, if you enjoy today and value the moments today, rather than projecting forward, it might help, if you wish to proceed. It sounds like you have a pretty complete relationship, absent his divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 Carhill, that is a brilliant question. What changed? Well, we had always been flirty (but he is generally so that's what gives me sense he's a womaniser) but I was just kind of reflecting on my life what I had that I didn't want and what I wanted that I didn't have and it moved on from there, I ended another relationship in January, not to be with him we've only just begun but becauset the other relationship was making me unhappy and then we just kind of evolved about three weeks ago so maybe I felt lonely or maybe I just sod it, he's so attractive to me? Bit lost and just trying to keep my eyes wide. You're vulnerable, and have been for a while. MM are great at picking out vulnerable targets. MM prefer vulnerable women, because women who are vulnerable are women who will respond to someone who makes them feel good about themselves even though he is offering her something that is ultimately bad for her and she knows it. If you feel lonely now, it will only get worse when you realize you can't actually have more of this man than you already have right now. This is it - it doesn't get better. You have to find your own happiness, your own strength, and you have to feel good about yourself. You have to make the choices that will eventually lead you to someone who can really be yours in a relationship that is really fulfilling. This guy is your sugar-free, fat-free chocolate that you're willing to settle for because you don't have the real thing. An affair with this guy will make you even hungrier for the real thing; he won't fill you up. You have to go out and find the real thing in order to get what you really want. And you won't be able to go out and find the real thing because you'll keep trying to make him the real thing, and he can never be that for you. Link to post Share on other sites
wish2b Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 I think that someone earlier said it best. Are you prepared to "wait"? I am not talking about waiting for him to get a divorce and be with you. I am talking about (just as they stated) waiting for him. Waiting for him to call, waiting for him to be able to get away, waiting for him to look in your direction, just waiting. In my case, I found that I would cancel my plans based on the simple words that he said "I might be able to get out a little tonight" or "we will try to get together this weekend". Then I would end up sitting around waiting for that text or call. Then he would tell me all about his weekend and what he did on Monday. Remember that we really are best friends as well so we talk several times per day. It came to a point that I stopped making plans on "possibilities" that sometimes happened and sometimes didn't. That is when it became lonely. It was not always like that. When I am busy with other things or when I was married, it didn't bother me as much. It happens more because I am divorced and he still has a life. (I did not get a divorce because of him, just to make sure that is clear.) I am not a spring chicken either. I am 40ish. So, it is hard as hell. If you are single and he is not, it is really hard. So just be prepared to WAIT. Can you live with that? It will happen if the A is successful (as in not getting caught and you enjoy him as much as I do my MM). Just be prepared to feel rejected even when he isn't rejecting you. Good luck on not falling for him........ Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 Carhill, that is a brilliant question. What changed? Well, we had always been flirty (but he is generally so that's what gives me sense he's a womaniser) but I was just kind of reflecting on my life what I had that I didn't want and what I wanted that I didn't have and it moved on from there, I ended another relationship in January, not to be with him we've only just begun but becauset the other relationship was making me unhappy and then we just kind of evolved about three weeks ago so maybe I felt lonely or maybe I just sod it, he's so attractive to me? Bit lost and just trying to keep my eyes wide. Hi TL, It sounds to me like you're saying that you weren't happy with what you had in your life and current relationship so you've tried to move yourself forwards, yes??? That sounds admirable but what I don't quite get is why having a relationship with a married man is a way forward for you??? Is he a temporary diversion and fill-in .... almost like a "pick me up" for you or just "fun" if you like ?? or are you looking for him to fill a specific "gap" in your life, such as being with someone who makes you feel good and who you see yourself beign with full time ... If it's the former then I suppose to have a succesful affair then you should get in and out before you're discovered and remember that it's just fun. However ... do you work with him? If so the you might want to re-think it as it's quite likely to affect your job adversely .... secondly, when you do eventually meet someone you do love then you are going to have to admit to them that you were the type of person who deliberately slept with someone elses husband ..... Maybe you'll be comfortable with that, maybe you won't .... but what do you think your eventual life partner will think ??? If it's the latter then how is a MM going to fill any long term gap in your life ... he won't be able to be there for you and ultimately you're still going to be left with that gap .... but in the intervening years (and it will be years) you will pass countless decent partners by ... So how to do it succesfully? Easy in my view ... you close it down now. You've had a brief taste of the thrill and yet crossed no lines ... so your conscience is clear and you can hold your head up high. You've only got one life .. why give any part of it to someone who's already stood up and promised theirs to someone else??? Was this really what you were put on this planet to do???? (I know I wasn't !!! ) Good luck and have belief that there is better for you Chris Link to post Share on other sites
LostIt2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 How about having respect for yourself, his wife, and getting a conscious and NOT having an affair at all, and finding someone who is available and have a successful relationship and not have to be lie filled, secret time bomb waiting to explode and inflict pain on everyone involved?? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 A successful affair? Easy - find out what MM has to offer, make the best of it you can for you both, and don't ask for more than he can give. Oh, and of course be discreet. Don't make a record of anything you do or say that can be traced back to the affair. Always use protection. If you get pregnant, you can kiss the 'good' times goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
Mombot Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'm still liking the gifts and great sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 TL, You asked about those of us who post about being happy in our "sucessful" affairs. I suppose I am considered one of those. I am happy. I do consider my relationship sucessfull. But do not for a minute think that means it is always sunshine and rainbows. Our relationship has it's ups and downs just like anyone else's. We have good times and bad times, yet we are sucessfull because the good far outweigh the bad. But, and here is what I think is important for me, we are in love with each other. Which means that we work towards common goals in our relationship. I think though what generally happens in affairs is that one partner feels more deeply than the other and someone ends up hurt and often despondant. I think you should seriously consider all of the ramifications of what you are getting yourself into. Are you prepared to fall in love with a man who quite possibly will never return those feelings? (It happens even to those who never plan on falling in love. *talk to OWoman, she fell in love with her MM and is now married to him, but she is one of the few. And she never intended to fall in love. Things could very well have ended badly for her.) Are you prepared to deal with a constant on again off again as your MM waffles back and forth between wanting you and wanting you to go away? (talk to IMissTheKiss. Her MM has come and gone and come again and gone again so many times that I think even she has lost track, and she is in constant turmoil from it.) Are you prepared to have a D-day in which your MM totally denies you? Or blames everything on you? Or tells his wife that you were just a piece of a$$? Or allows his wife to call you and cuss you out in order to save the marriage he has you convinced he doesn't want? *talk to.. well a *****-ton of former OWs here. The hurt and disgust they feel/felt for what happened may help you decide that it is not something you ever want to go through. The point I am trying to make, is affairs are NOT easy. They are not some crazy romantic love affairs that are depicted in movies and books. They are life changing, they are earth shattering, they are soul crushing for most people. And I haven't even touched on how an affair effects everyone else that is touched by them; the betrayed wife and the devesation she will feel, the children, the extended families, the mutual friends. I know you are looking for fun, and you really LIKE this married guy, but my advice to you (from someone who is in a "sucessfull" affair) is don't do it. Find a friend and go out to a club, to a movie, to a play. Join a book club, volunteer your time to a charity that you like, go back to school and take some crazy fun class like cake decorating 101 or French, or glass blowing. Use your time to get out in the world and meet single men, who can offer you all that you can get from this married man and more. You are worth more. Link to post Share on other sites
joey66 Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 ... someone who is in an affair cannot possibly have integrity or respect. That includes both the OP, the MM and anyone else who is involved in any affair. Does that include those who are involved only peripherally? Someone who, say, reads about other peoples' As in an online forum and posts scathing replies? Doesn't seem very respectful to me. But I have no integrity, so there you go. Link to post Share on other sites
secretlady76 Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Does that include those who are involved only peripherally? Someone who, say, reads about other peoples' As in an online forum and posts scathing replies? Doesn't seem very respectful to me. But I have no integrity, so there you go. Oh you mean the infidelity forum 'voyeurs'?! Reading about it and commenting on it (well, slagging everyone off), hey they may as well be doing it......of course they wouldn't dream of doing such a thing......yet...... Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Does that include those who are involved only peripherally? Someone who, say, reads about other peoples' As in an online forum and posts scathing replies? Doesn't seem very respectful to me. But I have no integrity, so there you go. Providing a personal opinion when asked does not involve me in their daily choices or actions or in their situation at all. If the person only wanted the ideas of people who support and share their same ideas it might have been a good idea to express that in the original post. I don't know anything about you, but I am gathering you are involved in an affair since you are stating you have no integrity. If that is the case, sorry to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
marilyn80 Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 Well that was well put. I was thinking the same thing myself. I was also wondering why not be with someone that has some personal integrity because someone who is in an affair cannot possibly have integrity or respect. That includes both the OP, the MM and anyone else who is involved in any affair. As an OW, I have to agree. Since I've been in an A I have had no integrity or self respect. It comes with doing something that is wrong. I've decided to live with those feelings in fear of the worse feelings under the surface that I will eventually have to deal with. Being in love is not always a good thing if one of the 2 people is legally bound to another. I see the mess I'm in. My blinders are off. I guess I'll finally get so sick of myself I'll just quit sleeping with MM. There is absolutely no way to justify or say an affair is "successful" It's very nature is deceit. Before I get flamed, I am sure there are some OWs here who have integrity and self-respect. I am speaking for myself here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mombot Posted June 2, 2010 Share Posted June 2, 2010 Apparently, not many suggestions are being given on how to have a successful affair. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 Apparently, not many suggestions are being given on how to have a successful affair. There are a great many threads on this that contain a great many suggestions. Some of us get tired of repeating our selves ad nauseam, when people could use the very good "search" function provided to read what's already been said countless times. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 Apparently, not many suggestions are being given on how to have a successful affair. keep looking. there are lots of people here that will tell you how to boff other people's spouses, and help hurt and betray other people in real life. PLENTY of suggestions on how to treat people like crap. just keep looking Link to post Share on other sites
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