Love is blind until it blindsides you (long but need support)

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

The purpose of this post is to get some support and positive feedback to help me deal with my recently broken heart. Well I am going to try to make my 11 month relationship as concise as possible... If i explained it all it would be a short novel!

 

Well it started over an online dating site. we had amazing conversations through the site, discovered we lived in the same town about 5 mins away from each other, went to different high schools and graduated top of our classes, got accepted to the same university, we had just never met! We had similar experiences growing up poor with dead beat dads, helping our single moms, and being the eldest in the fam so being a parental figure instead of a child. It was a great match! dating was awesome...we clicked immediately, we were totally comfortable with one another and got along perfectly. the second date i had this weird experience where a thought entered my head that was not mine, it said this is the man you are going to marry! it freaked me out but i kept it in the back of my mind. by the 4th date he almost slipped out i love you, i told him we should wait to say it (i felt it too but it was only the 4th date so i was trying to be cautious). By one month (keep in mind we were a couple from the day we met, it was that right) we said i love you. he confessed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, i told him i felt the same. we both felt this was fated. i told him how i heard the voice on the 2nd date...he told me that his grandma with psychic powers had told him at 15 he would meet the woman who he would spend the rest of his life with at 24 (our age at the time). to me, this was HUGE, it was like a fairytale. I am a hopeless romantic so i was convinced this was "the one" and poured all my heart and soul into him and the relationship. Instead of getting into the next 10 months, if you could skim over this article it will explain almost exactly what happened during our relationship, minus the "many failed relationships" (he had two before, and was the dumper), "issues making it hard to visit" (he ended up basically living with me at my mom's bc he would come over after worked and stay every night. keep in mind he worked 6 days a week, and two jobs. sometimes coming home meant 10 pm), and anything about "suspecting he is cheating or actual cheating" (he would never cheat, it disgusts him). http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html

 

So my prince charming slowly changed. we didn't argue much, but when we did it mostly revolved around his lack of including me in his life decisions, me only meeting a few of his friends briefly twice, and most of all that he didn't bring me around his family or include me in his family events. i felt like an outsider in the rest of his life. he had this horrible habit of trying to break up every time we disagreed. he had told me the advice his mother always told him that he followed in relationships: never give your whole self to someone, ever change anything about yourself in a relationship, if you think differently than each other its not meant to be, and if you feel even a little unhappy leave. WOW. this is not how a HEALTHY relationship works! it figures she would say these things bc she cannot have a relationship herself, not to mention had him EXTREMELY young (i mean, 16 and prego is good compared to her!), and is a self centered unhappy person. it took me SIX MONTHS just to meet her! and she didn't even like me before she met me bc her son was acting different with me than any other girl... this meant he wasn't home all the time with her and at her and her daughters beck and call. he still payed her mortgage every month though...and it was 2/3 of his salary! can you believe this lady??????? she also hated the fact he wanted her to sell the house so he could get an apt for us. she eventually agreed.

 

so needless to say i was very patient with him while he worked on changing his views about relationships to more healthy ones. he was much less attentive and caring as time went on, and less sexual as well. his explanation was in the beginning he was trying to be more of what i wanted then himself, and now he was comfortable so he was being the real him (not the man i feel in love with...annoying and wrong!). he still treated me better than any other man bc i was used to abusive type relationships. we still spent everyday together, we were always laughing and having fun. we had tons of the same interests, we were very in love, and beside the little arguments we worked through he and there, he seemed to be changing into a man who could handle a healthy relationship. i still had spent very little time with his family, and never hung out with his friends...he abandoned them bc he claimed to have realized they weren't really true friends since i showed him what REAL friendship was like.

 

fast forward to end of april. my mom gets ill and has to spend a week in the hospital, the same week he has rehearsals for his second job as a dance instructor. the week went like this, he worked his full time job, we visited my mom at the hospital, he went to rehearsals, came home, next day went the same. weekend comes, his dance students have their shows, he's gone from 9am til 10 pm sat and sun. every night he comes home to me telling me how much he missed me and that he is so happy his feelings are just as strong now as they were for me in the beginning. he has been having "daddy" moments being around all the little kids at the shows. he keeps talking about how he just can't wait til we get our own place and tells me the house will be up for sale in 2 weeks. monday we have an argument about him rejecting me for sex, he is mean to me about my hurt feelings so i stand up for myself. he wants to break up (as all arguments go) bc we have different sex drives! i talk him through it (as usual). rest of the week is fine, he calls me from lunch bc he misses me...he stopped doing that after the 1st month! it was odd but i loved it. he finds out his friend from high school is prego, and we talk more about children. Thursday we are looking at apartments in the newspaper, making more plans for the future. Friday he spends the day with his mom, comes home, and BREAKS UP WITH ME!

 

WTF just happened here? This is his reasoning why... we were brought up too differently, i am cranky if i haven't eaten for hours or just wake up, we have different sex drives, i am apparently "baby crazy" (not true, he was the one talking about babies!), i am apparently a jealous person bc i want things (for example, some of the things i want in the future and am working towards getting MYSELF, a dog, a home gym, a car, a nice house. i have goals and dreams, i'm not jealous!), i do not agree with everything his mom says (are you KIDDING ME?), he could maybe marry me one day if i changed alot of things (he did not tell me what things, and tells me all the time he wants to marry me one day), and that he could never picture me being the mother to his children and i would probably have postpartum depression anyway (i experienced a miscarriage a few months prior and was dealing with depression from it. this is NORMAL for a woman. what an A-HOLE to say i would be depressed if i had a baby. DUMB), and that he doesn't want anyone, not even me anymore. yet he claimed i did nothing wrong and TRUST ME I DIDNT!!!! I treated him like a king and gave him all i had literally and figuratively. He also said i helped him so much and made him learn so much about life he wants to keep me a friend in the future!!! YEA RIGHT...i'm not doing that.

 

so basically i got my heart broken out of nowhere. was not expecting this at all or EVER. we had made plans to get married and spend our lives together, have a family. all that changed suddenly! i don't understand how or why...guess i never will. its really F-ed up bc i spent all the money i had on him, even didnt buy a car bc he told me i could use his while he was at work. now he leaves me broke and car-less, wondering how i am going to continue my education this fall. did i mention he never had to pay rent or any bills while he stayed with me and my mom, and didnt offer although she is disabled and barely get enough to get by from her disability payments? also anytime i used his car i replaced the gas. he never even brought groceries but he ate with us everyday. so why the hell do i still love him and miss him?????????????? i am overcome with anger but just can't seem to get it through my mind that he is not worthy of me. he would say it himself all the time. i realize with my head he is not the man i fell in love with, the man i love doesn't exist. yet it still hurts like hell! he broke all his promises and left me in a sh*t situation and doesn't even care!!!! i have not had contact with him since, but it is almost the one year anniversary that will never be. this is messing with my head too. its hard to go from spending everyday with the man you were sure was "the one" and who was your "best friend", to being alone and heart broken. any suggestions as to how to stop this annoying feeling of missing him or how to stop loving him? my head can't connect to my heart and make it go away!!!! also anything you would like to say about him (hopefully negative) to help me move on is great! sorry this is so long but i just really needed to vent and get support. THANK YOU if you take the time to respond!

[sambo crockett]

I saw you read my story so you know Im not any real expert on how to deal with a broken heart but I can give you my opinion. I suppose that some people are giving and willing to be understanding towards the problems and imperfections of the ones they love....while others just watch them add up until they have enough. I know you said he wasnt cheating but when some one behaves oddly all of a sudden something is up.....It could be that he built up a dislike for you or your mom some how and it bothered him or worse case.....he was seeing some one at his work....thats what Ive been thinking about the girl I recently have split from. I cant tell you not to think about it because.....I know you will.....Heres the only truth I know.....Only time, friends, and family can help you mend your heart.....Ive already started hangingout with my friends more often and relying on them to allow me to vent and get their opinions....which I dont always like but its better to hear brutal truths than to live on lies.......the truth will hurt really bad but only for a short period of time while a lie just lingers......at least thats how it is to me......I cant believe my now X that Im completely infatuated that she didnt sleep with anyone or if it even was her x and not some other married dude she got involved with......Ill never know if she doesnt tell me. And I suppose your probably at the same point Im at where you still love the person regardless......like you wish they would just take you in your heart like you would them......But something has fundamentally changed in the relationship and I suppose thats what we have to look at inorder to get by

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

thanks for replying. it truly is impossible for me to believe he cheated. he spent every second of his free time with me. he is completely against cheating and he is not the kind of guy to do that to a woman. he is very much a momma's boy and would never do the things men have done to his mom to any woman, including cheat. i really feel that he is afraid of commitment. his relationship with his ex proves this to me, as well as many of the things he has done and said through out our relationship. i also know his mother had something to do with his decision as she almost caused a break up at an earlier time. i have to accept he is not the person he pretended to be. he was trying so hard to be the perfect guy for me instead of being himself. he also wasn't being honest with me about the things he was feeling through out the relationship.

 

as far as your situation, i still feel that you need make sure ur ex treats you the way you deserve if you get back together. i hope you can make your self esteem better to stand up for what you believe in or move on! i hope it all works out for the best. again, thanks for your response.

[GrayClouds]

BOWY stop making excuses for him, look at his actions. What ever his issue are the fact is he simple did not care enough about the realtionship to do anything about them. He let fear make is decisions not love, not that type of individual you try t make a life with.

 

I suspect your a bit of a care taker, you attract nice guys who wants to be be mothered and then grows to resent it. It may be time to figure why you choose these relationship rather then finding an equal.

 

Good luck and sorry about your loss.

[SilentWitness]

Sigh, it always makes me sad to see these kinds of posts. But unfortunately there is no magical cure for heartbreak, only time. Really the best things that you can do in the meantime are to keep yourself busy and not let yourself brood over him or the failed relationship, the brooding being the worst thing you could do. Meet new people and forge new relationships whether it just be friendship or intimate, and try to accept that your old relationship is in the past and that there was nothing you could have done to change the way things turned out.

 

Your posts make it clear, even accounting for bias, that you were not at fault in this. So don't beat yourself up about it. Your only fault was to care too much, and love is a weapon that can fell the best of us without warning.

 

 

Btw, if you need a friend I'd be happy to talk to you . I seem to be near your age and mutual heartbreak means we have at least something in common. You can contact me at [email protected]. (Not my main, so not afraid of spammers and such, but I'll get an email sent to it.)

Edited May 21, 2010 by SilentWitness

[northstar1]

Hello. I am sorry you are going through this. I am always reluctant to easily attach a disorder or label to someone who ends a relationship, but in this case, your ex does seem to match a lot of the trends of a CP.

 

The drop in sex drive in men can be due to a various amounts of reasons, depression/stress, or a loss of feelings of intimacy. Try not to look to deep into that, it could be anything at this point.

 

The biggest thing I would take away is that you dodged a bullet here. This guy was not a healthy partner and you would have been in a constant struggle to keep him focussed on the relationship.

 

I know it is hard to see it right now amidst the debris of the breakup,, but in time you will see he was not a good partner.

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

I suspect your a bit of a care taker, you attract nice guys who wants to be be mothered and then grows to resent it.

 

This is me. I know why I do it, it's the role i had to take in my family growing up. After this relationship though, I have final resolved to put myself first and stop the cycle. I'm not even going to date until I have spent time loving me and working on me. And the next man, he will have to prove to me he's worth it before I treat him like a king... and he will need to treat me equally as well! I am done with the little boys! thank you for responding.

 

Silent Witness- thank you! I will def email you. It will be good to make a new friend who can understand what I'm going through. I appreciate the opportunity!

 

North Star- thank you for the insight. I am slowly but surely realizing that i did dodge the bullet! it's a struggle to get my heart to match up with my brain, but logically I know it is better this way. I know he was a CP now, and all the signs are so clear as hindsight is always 20/20. even the details of his last relationship showed he was a CP, I was just so blinded by the fact a man would treat me so good and love me so much I ignored all the signs. I still love him for the good things, but in reality, leaving me in a bad situation with no remorse and heart full of empty promises shows me his true colors. like your signature...one day. one day i will find the right man.

 

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND! I KNOW THIS WAS LONG BUT THE SUPPORT AND INSIGHT HAS HELPED ME FEEL BETTER AND STRONGER! <3

[GrayClouds]

After this relationship though, I have final resolved to put myself first and stop the cycle. I'm not even going to date until I have spent time loving me and working on me.

 

Congratulations take strength and courage to get here. It is exactly what everyone should do, it the way to make a breakup something of great value. More importantly it is a way to make a better life.

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

thank you grayclouds!!! i really believe that this relationship was a lesson in disguise. i thought originally that my ex was a gift bc he was so amazing, i thought it was God and the universe giving me back what i truly deserved since i have had an incredibly difficult and painful life. now i see that he was a gift for another reason... i can finally break the cycle of putting these men who come with promises of forever above myself! i am on a learning journey to really love me and put my needs before others. this is a tough lesson to learn, but life had other plans for me then the ones i had made with my ex. once i can finally move on from the pain i know i will look back and realize what a blessing this break up was. i'm on my journey to the best me i can be...without any need for a man!

[GrayClouds]

thank you grayclouds!!! i really believe that this relationship was a lesson in disguise. i thought originally that my ex was a gift bc he was so amazing, i thought it was God and the universe giving me back what i truly deserved since i have had an incredibly difficult and painful life. now i see that he was a gift for another reason... i can finally break the cycle of putting these men who come with promises of forever above myself! i am on a learning journey to really love me and put my needs before others. this is a tough lesson to learn, but life had other plans for me then the ones i had made with my ex. once i can finally move on from the pain i know i will look back and realize what a blessing this break up was. i'm on my journey to the best me i can be...without any need for a man!

 

For anyone who is feeling pain, holding one, or just can move on re-read the above for this is your way forward.

[SilentWitness]

Hey. I'm under the impression that you decided not to message me, but if you do want to then I ask that you do it sooner rather than later, because I don't have many other reasons to check that email, and would prefer not to keep checking purely for an email that may never come. I'll do it for a little bit longer though, so feel free to say hello.