New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

[jennie-jennie]

But this site isn't wrapped around YOUR definition of support...or mine for that matter.

 

The TOS determines what is acceptable, and what is not. And the moderator is the one who enforces the TOS. If you feel people are violating the TOS, you report them. If you feel the TOS is wrong, you PM the moderator.

 

Posting a thread like this just sparks arguments, not change.

 

If you want change, ask Tony how to make it happen.

 

The only times Tony replies to me, is when he is yelling at me.

[Art_Critic]

My hope is that LS should be a place of support for these posters as well.

 

Your hope.. you don't even know those posters or what kind of support they require..

Some may need the slap in the face or some may need the pat on the back in order to get thru what they are going thru..

 

Those posters can get and do get support.. but that doesn't mean each and every poster that posts to their story will be something that they either want to face or read or even consider but the options are out there for them...

 

If all the posts on LS had the same tone and pats on the back regarding these types of things then LS wouldn't be very supportive in the long haul..

 

Life is tough.. so can LS be at times too but that doesn't mean it should change...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Just trying to plant a seed for self-regulation.

 

Then lead by example.

[jennie-jennie]

Then lead by example.

 

As I pointed out I do not post on newly arrived BS's threads. Just wanted to bring this difference in posting manners to everybody's attention.

[Owl]

As I pointed out I do not post on newly arrived BS's threads. Just wanted to bring this difference in posting manners to everybody's attention.

 

Why? Did you truly, honestly expect it to change how others post?

[wish2b]

I didn't read every post so forgive me if my response sounds ignorant.

 

I completely understand what JJ is saying. I am new here and have only been posting a couple of days. I read a view threads and felt the need to respond. I will be honest, I am not like some of these other OWs. I don't confront ANYONE. I "wait" for my time with the man that I love. After a couple of post, I was hit hard with some of the comments. They weren't tough love. They were judging me and they even said they had the right to do so. I was told how "I felt". I was told "what decisions I made". My MM was called a "sleeze bag". Unbelievable. You people don't know me and you sure don't know my situation or the situation I was in that led my heart to someone else. You don't know him or how he feels. I was told that if I a person wants to cheat they should just get single. Seriously? It's that easy to walk away from your family? It's not that easy. Are there really peopel that "want" to cheat? Well, guess what! I am not one fo them and neither is he. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE ARE FEELING. You can support our feelings and give us tough love and make us think about things. But judging us to automatically think we are bad people or we are hurting those we love is wrong. Maybe we were hurt in the first place that is why we are here as an OW. Maybe we are hurting now. We know it's wrong to be with a MM and we know that there are many things at stake. But everyone deserves love. Maybe, just maybe, we feel that this is the only kind of love we deserve. One where we will never be completely in control. So, before you cast stones, think about it. It might be someone on the other end fo the post that is a human being that so badly wants to fix things in her mind and in her heart.

 

The rude, judgemental comments, almost had me out of here. A couple of you brought me back. Thank you. I am in a really bad place right now and it is scary. I have no idea where to go from here. I need to be able to talk here without someone telling me I am evil. Don't you think I struggle with that on a daily basis? I don't need a stranger to tell me that!

[CrayonAngel]

I have been here for 7 months(used to have a different name) and I am not a BW or OW. I can clearly see why BS get defensive on OW/OM forum. For example, on infidelity you have a woman who is dancing with suicide day in and day out due to her H's A. Or man who has lost everything because his wife wanted to lie, cheat and sneak around. Then you have the OW forum with people posting things like "how to have a successful A?" and constantly hearing "MM/MW spouse is cold and unloving" you don't hear that over there too often, and I don't know if it makes the AP feel better to shift blame somewhere else but it is a common theme. I see a double standard here and I think people should just do as I do...don't read it and MOVE ALONG. There are posters who's replies make my stomach turn. So I avoid reading the responses. simple.

[jennie-jennie]

Well.. there you are telling someone how to support you or what is support...

 

You do realize that support to someone else might not be support to you or vise versa..

It is up to you to decide what you accept or leave on LS..

 

But what isn't up to you is what a poster posts.. they get to decide that and you get to decide whether or not to take that advice or leave it..

You cross the line when you tell a poster what or how to post..

 

In a way.. you are trying to control the outcome of your experience on LS instead of just sitting back and getting hit in the face with the reality of life.

 

My heart bleeds for the OW/OM newcomers, because I have been there, seeking help and support desperately. When you meet a massive wall of posters suggesting there is only one thing to do, one way to look at the situation, and you realize that is not something you yourself are capable of executing, it makes you even more devastated and isolated than you were when you came here.

 

Art, I am pretty certain I said "support to me". It was a statement up for discussion, not a fact laid out.

[Owl]

Wish2b...perhaps what you NEED (not want, mind you) is someone to help you stay focused on the things you need to change, rather than letting you ignore them and continue down the path you're on?

 

I'm not looking to insult you here, don't take me wrong.

 

But not telling you something that you should work to change just because you don't like/want to hear it isn't support.

 

Support is helping you focus on changing the things you need to change in order to fix/change the situation you're in.

 

So don't ignore those posters who make you feel bad...they're very possibly the ones giving you the advice that you need to act upon.

[jwi71]

I didn't read every post so forgive me if my response sounds ignorant.

 

I completely understand what JJ is saying. I am new here and have only been posting a couple of days. I read a view threads and felt the need to respond. I will be honest, I am not like some of these other OWs. I don't confront ANYONE. I "wait" for my time with the man that I love. After a couple of post, I was hit hard with some of the comments. They weren't tough love. They were judging me and they even said they had the right to do so. I was told how "I felt". I was told "what decisions I made". My MM was called a "sleeze bag". Unbelievable. You people don't know me and you sure don't know my situation or the situation I was in that led my heart to someone else. You don't know him or how he feels. I was told that if I a person wants to cheat they should just get single. Seriously? It's that easy to walk away from your family? It's not that easy. Are there really peopel that "want" to cheat? Well, guess what! I am not one fo them and neither is he. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE ARE FEELING. You can support our feelings and give us tough love and make us think about things. But judging us to automatically think we are bad people or we are hurting those we love is wrong. Maybe we were hurt in the first place that is why we are here as an OW. Maybe we are hurting now. We know it's wrong to be with a MM and we know that there are many things at stake. But everyone deserves love. Maybe, just maybe, we feel that this is the only kind of love we deserve. One where we will never be completely in control. So, before you cast stones, think about it. It might be someone on the other end fo the post that is a human being that so badly wants to fix things in her mind and in her heart.

 

The rude, judgemental comments, almost had me out of here. A couple of you brought me back. Thank you. I am in a really bad place right now and it is scary. I have no idea where to go from here. I need to be able to talk here without someone telling me I am evil. Don't you think I struggle with that on a daily basis? I don't need a stranger to tell me that!

 

You should really start your own thread....

if you want advice and support (you clearly do)...start a thread...you have now a good sense of what will be said...nothing to fear anymore...

 

I, for one, would like to know your story and point out a few "inconsistencies" in what you say and what you do...but I need a thread to do such instead of t/j everyone elses (which I admit to doing recently...bad I know)...

[greengoddess]

I just love it when posters try to tell other posters what to post and what opinions to form to post about

 

If all you want is sugar coated hugging and kissing then don't ask for an opinion on a web forum, go talk to a friend of yours who can put aside the truth to be your friend...

On LS you basically get the unadulterated truth of your situation...

 

That's the problem. They can't even go to a friend. They live their life with this big secret. If you have to keep it a secret and can't even talk to a friend then guess what it must not be very good.

[jennie-jennie]

The rude, judgemental comments, almost had me out of here. A couple of you brought me back. Thank you. I am in a really bad place right now and it is scary. I have no idea where to go from here. I need to be able to talk here without someone telling me I am evil. Don't you think I struggle with that on a daily basis? I don't need a stranger to tell me that!

 

This is what I am talking about. It is people like wish2b who are desperately in need of help whom we are scaring away.

[reboot]

My heart bleeds for the OW/OM newcomers, because I have been there, seeking help and support desperately. When you meet a massive wall of posters suggesting there is only one thing to do, one way to look at the situation, and you realize that is not something you yourself are capable of executing, it makes you even more devastated and isolated than you were when you came here.

 

Art, I am pretty certain I said "support to me". It was a statement up for discussion, not a fact laid out.

 

Maybe if one is in such desperate need of help and support, one should seek out a professional counselor? And not depend on a bunch of nameless, faceless people on the internet?

 

From the front page of this forum:

 

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.

 

 

Just saying.....

[jennie-jennie]

This is what I am talking about. It is people like wish2b who are desperately in need of help whom we are scaring away.

 

What can we as individual posters do to make sure that we are not the ones scaring these people away?

[sally4sara]

I have a theory.

 

When I go to the Infidelity forum, it is because I want to discuss a topic which is brought up there. I don't go there to welcome and support new BS posters. I don't go there to tell a new poster that I believe an OW has a right to pursue a relationship with a MM if she is in love with him. I leave it to the BSs to welcome another BS, and this in spite of the fact that I have been a BS myself in my two prior long term relationships.

 

When I see BSs posting here on the OW/OM forum sometimes it is to discuss topics brought up here, but very often it is to give tough love to new OW/OM posters. At times this leads to the new posters feeling that LS is not the place for them, which is unfortunate since they have turned to LS because they were in need of support.

 

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

 

1) Do you post on both forums?

2) Do you post on new posters' threads in the other forum?

 

I personally don't think the only way to so support is to cheer someone on about a situation that isn't serving them well and prompted them to seek advise on how to remedy it.

 

"I feel taken advantage of and unhappy"

- You go girl!

 

"I feel I'm about to make a big mistake"

-you go girl!

 

"He says he is not going to leave her and the kids"

-you go girl!

 

And the ones who only post to toot their own horn?

I just don't bother with.

Life is so peachy? Well then you don't need any support.

[reboot]

What can we as individual posters do to make sure that we are not the ones scaring these people away?

 

Nothing. That's just silly. We're talking about grown ups here.

[jennie-jennie]

Maybe if one is in such desperate need of help and support, one should seek out a professional counselor? And not depend on a bunch of nameless, faceless people on the internet?

 

From the front page of this forum:

 

 

 

 

Just saying.....

 

Sure, but I bet you like I know that sharing with others in similar situations can not be replaced with counseling session. One does not exclude the other.

[jennie-jennie]

Nothing. That's just silly. We're talking about grown ups here.

 

Huh? So you can not think before you post to see if what you are saying might be hurtful instead of helpful to a new poster? And this just because we are all adults?

[jthorne]

Many OW/OM (and WS as well) are not ready to end their extramarital relationship. My hope is that LS should be a place of support for these posters as well. You need support while you are IN the relationship as well as when you are at the end of it.

Again, it goes to what one's definition of support is. One's handholding may be another's tough love.

 

Another thing... many posters that come here in the affair, aren't sure if they should stay or if they should go. Who's to assume that they want to stay, if they don't know themselves? They may say they aren't ready to end it (I know I really wasn't when I came here), but they are looking either way on what to do. My very first post here on LS was asking how to deal with being in an A. "Why can't I just accept that it is what it is and be happy with it" (something like that.) I was completely open to both sides. Just the "other side" made more sense for me, and was what I needed to end it.

 

I just think the responsible thing for me to do is give my viewpoint, and if it helps the poster, great. If they still want to stay in their A, then there are others here and other forums to help them with that.

[Owl]

Sure, but I bet you like I know that sharing with others in similar situations can not be replaced with counseling session. One does not exclude the other.

 

If all they want is sharing with others who have had similar experiences...there are other websites that cater to that specifically.

 

This site does more than that.

 

If this site doesn't meet their wants...then they can find those sites that do.

 

Makes a little more sense to me that people seek out the sites that meet their criteria rather than to try to force the population of this community to change to meet it.

[bentnotbroken]

Huh? So you can not think before you post to see if what you are saying might be hurtful instead of helpful to a new poster? And this just because we are all adults?

 

 

I always think before I post. I think everything I say is helpful;).

[donnamaybe]

Huh? So you can not think before you post to see if what you are saying might be hurtful instead of helpful to a new poster? And this just because we are all adults?

 

So if a poster is hurting because of their A and they hurt more at the prospect of trying to end it, anyone with the advice that they should end it should be silent?

 

I disagree. Why prolong someone's agony if ending the A truly IS what is called for in their case? Tell it like it is.

[jennie-jennie]

Why? Did you truly, honestly expect it to change how others post?

 

And why do BSs post about NC all the time? Do they truly, honestly believe that someone who is not ready to end a relationship will be able to really do so just because they are pushing the idea so hard?

 

Come on, I noticed this difference in posting behaviors and thought the discussion about it would be interesting to read.

[jennie-jennie]

I always think before I post. I think everything I say is helpful;).

 

We certainly do look at the world totally differently! ROTFL :lmao:

[Owl]

And why do BSs post about NC all the time? Do they truly, honestly believe that someone who is not ready to end a relationship will be able to really do so just because they are pushing the idea so hard?

 

Come on, I noticed this difference in posting behaviors and thought the discussion about it would be interesting to read.

 

So you posted this just to spark conversation?