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New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

jennie-jennie

By jennie-jennie
in The Other Man / Woman

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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reboot Established Member

reboot

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So you posted this just to spark conversation?

 

Uh huh. Sure she did.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

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We certainly do look at the world totally differently! ROTFL :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

That's the beauty of this forum. If everyone thought the same, what good would that do? :confused:

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

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And why do BSs post about NC all the time? Do they truly, honestly believe that someone who is not ready to end a relationship will be able to really do so just because they are pushing the idea so hard?

 

Come on, I noticed this difference in posting behaviors and thought the discussion about it would be interesting to read.

 

That not fair JJ.

 

Many OW/OM post this as well...yourself included.

 

Lets face it, NC is a great way to end a situation...if the poster is truly looking to end it. Usually, they are looking for a coping skill to handle the A which is no longer sufficient to their needs.

 

What advice can be given? She can't force the other to meet her needs so she develops coping skills (basically accepts it) or changes something...and most OW have little say in an A...so NC is usually the only ACTION that guarantees a change...since making a demand still puts the onus of action on the MM...

2sure Established Member

2sure

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The people defending their actions, choices, etc the most vehemently , those that find insult in the opinions of others...

 

Always seem to be those that come here in the most pain or confusion.

They come looking for answers, advice, opinions...but when finding that relieving themselves of the confusion or pain may involve change in their own behavior...they resist and defend.

 

There are many OW here who are happy with their status - and come here simply to have an open venue w/o using justifications or excuses. Thats a good thing.

There are more OW here who are not happy but still justifying and making excuses. I will not help someone lie to themselves , especially when they are clearly in pain.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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That's the problem. They can't even go to a friend. They live their life with this big secret. If you have to keep it a secret and can't even talk to a friend then guess what it must not be very good.:rolleyes:

 

I have several friends and relatives with whom I talk about my affair. Some of them have themselves been the OW earlier in life, or the BS. I get support from them. Still I find I need the support I get on LS. Here we come for the specific purpose of wanting to discuss extramarital relationships. My friends and I have other things to talk about as well. :D

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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So you posted this just to spark conversation?

 

Uh huh. Sure she did.

 

Well, if someone got inspiration from it to consider their own posting style, that would not be wrong either.

 

I must ask however, are you two insinuating that I posted this thread to start trouble? If that is the case you are so out there and don't in any way understand where I am at.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

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This business about not hurting someone in pain: There was a thread started recently where a woman described her manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive fiance's behavior. Will it pain her to end their relationship, regardless of his behavior? Of course. Should we NOT be telling her to dump the b'tard? Of course we should, even though that process will be difficult for her and most definitely a painful one.

 

Same with someone who is bemoaning the fact that their AP won't leave their spouse. Yes, they are in pain. Yes, trying to end the A will be painful. Yes, I will still advise them to end the A.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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I personally don't think the only way to so support is to cheer someone on about a situation that isn't serving them well and prompted them to seek advise on how to remedy it.

 

"I feel taken advantage of and unhappy"

- You go girl! :confused:

 

"I feel I'm about to make a big mistake"

-you go girl! :confused:

 

"He says he is not going to leave her and the kids"

-you go girl! :confused:

 

And the ones who only post to toot their own horn?

I just don't bother with.

Life is so peachy? Well then you don't need any support.

 

I totally agree.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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Again, it goes to what one's definition of support is. One's handholding may be another's tough love.

 

Another thing... many posters that come here in the affair, aren't sure if they should stay or if they should go. Who's to assume that they want to stay, if they don't know themselves? They may say they aren't ready to end it (I know I really wasn't when I came here), but they are looking either way on what to do. My very first post here on LS was asking how to deal with being in an A. "Why can't I just accept that it is what it is and be happy with it" (something like that.) I was completely open to both sides. Just the "other side" made more sense for me, and was what I needed to end it.

 

I just think the responsible thing for me to do is give my viewpoint, and if it helps the poster, great. If they still want to stay in their A, then there are others here and other forums to help them with that.

 

Agreed.

 

(10 characters required)

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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If all they want is sharing with others who have had similar experiences...there are other websites that cater to that specifically.

 

This site does more than that.

 

If this site doesn't meet their wants...then they can find those sites that do.

 

Makes a little more sense to me that people seek out the sites that meet their criteria rather than to try to force the population of this community to change to meet it.

 

What I am trying to say is that we scare off posters who are specifically in need of LS.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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So if a poster is hurting because of their A and they hurt more at the prospect of trying to end it, anyone with the advice that they should end it should be silent?

 

I disagree. Why prolong someone's agony if ending the A truly IS what is called for in their case? Tell it like it is.

 

Just saying that it is up to them to decide what hurts the most, not us. We can present the options, but it is their decision.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

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Total T/J

 

http://www.google.com

 

They changed the logo to Pacman...and you can actually play it.

 

Ok, back to bickering...

Just a stone's throw Established Member

Just a stone's throw

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Wow, 87 posts in one morning. Hot Thread..... All Jennie was asking was don't cut people off at the knees on their first post, wait at least until post 4 or 5 after you've said "welcome to LS, get comfortable" and then give your well-deserved viewpoint. Sheesshh.

 

Happy Friday all...

Owl Established Member

Owl

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Had the opening comment been a general "Let's not cut new posters off at the knees"...I'd have wholeheartedly agreed.

 

But the message was "why don't the BS's stay away for the first few posts since this is the OW forum".

 

NOT the same message.

IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

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While the discussion continues about BS's beating up on new posters to the OW forum, there is a new poster being "abused" by BS's. Where is the welcoming committee???????

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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Total T/J

 

http://www.google.com

 

They changed the logo to Pacman...and you can actually play it.

 

Ok, back to bickering...

 

I just saw that! And I totally love Pacman! I was getting so addicted to it that I had to give the game away. :D

 

It is not "bickering", jwi, it is "discussing". We are all adults, remember? :)

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

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I just saw that! And I totally love Pacman! I was getting so addicted to it that I had to give the game away. :D

 

It is not "bickering", jwi, it is "discussing". We are all adults, remember? :)

 

Well, YOUR definition is of "bicker" is different than MY definition of "bicker"

:D:D

 

(couldn't resist)

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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Had the opening comment been a general "Let's not cut new posters off at the knees"...I'd have wholeheartedly agreed.

 

But the message was "why don't the BS's stay away for the first few posts since this is the OW forum".

 

NOT the same message.

 

It was, since I was stating that I at least am already doing exactly that: staying away from the Infidelity forum for the first few posts of a new poster.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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Well, YOUR definition is of "bicker" is different than MY definition of "bicker"

:D:D

 

(couldn't resist)

 

I love you, jwi! Although we look at the world differently! :D

reboot Established Member

reboot

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It was, since I was stating that I at least am already doing exactly that: staying away from the Infidelity forum for the first few posts of a new poster.

 

Congratulations for doing something no one expects you to do. The Infidelity forum doesn't belong to BS. You aren't accomplishing anything by doing this.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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Congratulations for doing something no one expects you to do. The Infidelity forum doesn't belong to BS. You aren't accomplishing anything by doing this.

 

To me it seems immoral. Are you saying that if you were a BS fresh out of Dday you would feel supported by a post written by an Unapologetic Other Woman? Or would that seem like someone flaunting her relationship and her opinions in your face?

reboot Established Member

reboot

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As a BS fresh out of Dday I would not be looking to this place for guidance. When I came here originally I wasn't exactly fresh out of Dday, it had been a while, but after some months of being here, I left for nearly 2 years. I needed to get my sh*t together and this forum was doing the exact opposite. I'm in a better place now.

 

No offense to anyone, but most of these threads are just an excuse to argue and bicker. No one is getting "helped".

Owl Established Member

Owl

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I'm a BS. However that doesn't mean that I slap anyone in the face.

 

You're an OW...that doesn't require you to slap a BS in the face.

 

If you KNOW already that your comments won't help that poster, then you're probably doing the right thing by not posting on their thread.

 

There are many threads on this site I pass over for that reason.

 

And that doesn't mean that everyone/anyone else has to abide by that same choice.

 

I personally don't like to see ANYONE 'slapped down'...I prefer to give advice rather than attack. I'd love to see everyone else do the same...but I realize that's not gonna happen.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

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When I first posted on Infidelity it was in the aftermath of Dday from my affair. The treatment I received was mixed but I had no problem at all with it. Many including BS (Owl as a very good example) were supportive but firm - "tough love". Others were harsh on me - but I needed that as well as I gained clarity on what I had done and how badly I had hurt my husband.

 

As it is now, one of those posters who gave me a very hard time (and he has well deserved reputation for this attitude to WS on LS) is somebody whose opinion I respect even if we do not always agree. We have even been known to PM each other from time (and I promise you my H knows ;)) .

 

You come to LS when you are at your lowest. Does not mean you should be overly protected though. Sometimes what you need is one hell of a wake-up call.

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jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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As a BS fresh out of Dday I would not be looking to this place for guidance. When I came here originally I wasn't exactly fresh out of Dday, it had been a while, but after some months of being here, I left for nearly 2 years. I needed to get my sh*t together and this forum was doing the exact opposite. I'm in a better place now.

 

No offense to anyone, but most of these threads are just an excuse to argue and bicker. No one is getting "helped".

 

I have been helped by LS, but I have had to sift through and ignore many, many unhelpful posts to find the golden nuggets.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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