Emotional affair with coworker

[veryconfuzed]

I'm probably the 1000th person to post for advice on this kind of situation, but here goes...

 

I have been with my H for 20 years, 11 of it married. We separated a couple of months ago at my request. I have been unhappy for several years, and our sex life has been nearly nonexistent for the last few years. He has never done anything bad to me - he's a good guy. My attraction to him has been dwindling slowly over time, and I'm not sure I can recover it. I do want our marriage to recover - just not sure if it's possible.

 

This all came to a tipping point when I became attracted to a coworker at work this year. We work together once every week or two on some very interesting projects. Our work together has made us both feel much happier about our jobs and ourselves, I'm convinced. We began flirting and finding ways to spend time alone together at work, and began sharing personal stories, etc. We began teasing each other about going out for a drink together, and he finally asked me out. Then, the night we were supposed to go out he gave an explanation/excuse and canceled. He left it open-ended that we should go out for that drink some time.

 

That was nearly 4 weeks ago, now. At first I decided, well, that was it. I had been rejected and it was obviously best for me to end things anyway. It's impossible for me to focus on my H and marriage when the OM is in my life. But, now, OM has reappeared with renewed sweetness and charm. Things are pretty much back to where they were before he asked me out. This has me confused and is making me miserable not understanding his intentions. This is also distracting me from working on myself and healing my marriage. The problem is, I'm very hung up on OM. He is very handsome, has some very endearing qualities, and I love this attention from him. I'm certain he's enjoying the attention he gets from me, too. We are feeding eachother's egos, but I'm sure I'm taking our relationship more seriously than he is. Unfortunately, it's possible that he is married or in a relationship, as well. We have avoided talking about these things.

 

I know what I have to do. I have to work with OM, but have to find a way to reduce contact and/or need to make clear that we are just friends. All easier said than done, of course, when he has been a great source of brightness, pleasure, and happiness in my life over the last few months. He makes me feel so good, and I don't want what is between us to end. How do I do this?...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do I understand correctly. He is unmarried and you are separated from your H?

[2sure]

Well, like you said you cant do both work on your marriage and extend boundaries with this OM. Just cant.

 

It may help you to know that:

You and your marriage are very very vulnerable right now. Its a make or break. You are separated, and stating that you hope for recovery. A separation CAN make a marriage improve but not that alone. Or it can be the first step in ending it.

 

You are vulnerable. OM happening along is not a coincidence. Its a natural occurrence for someone in your position. So - although it seems like it is, honey - your friendship with him may not be anything special. Really.

 

If you want to reconcile your marriage, you have to make boundaries with this man. Big big clear ones. You are probably smart enough to know you are not feeling 100% clear on things right now.

[veryconfuzed]

Do I understand correctly. He is unmarried and you are separated from your H?

 

OM may or may not be married. We have talked about everything BUT our personal relationships.

 

Yes, I am separated from my H for 2 months.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Any relationship you enter into will be a gamble. The fact that you work together can be an issue if one of you becomes more serious than the other. Many times men enjoy the flirting, the pursuing, more so than the conquest. Many men will have this going on with several women at a time. Married women are even safer because they can't jump into a R, so the "fun" will continue longer.

 

As for working on your marriage during separation, I'm not sure. Its never made any sense to me that people expect a separation with dating other people to improve a marriage. Is it a test to see if the grass really is greener? Seems like you are committed to improving your marriage or you are not, and anything in between is simply a stall tactic.

[jwi71]

OM may or may not be married. We have talked about everything BUT our personal relationships.

 

Yes, I am separated from my H for 2 months.

 

Does he know YOU are married?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That might be some important information to discuss next time you are sharing personal stories. Seems it would definitely affect the outcome once you decide exactly what it is you would like from him.

[veryconfuzed]

Well, like you said you cant do both work on your marriage and extend boundaries with this OM. Just cant.

 

Agreed.

 

It may help you to know that: You and your marriage are very very vulnerable right now. OM happening along is not a coincidence. Its a natural occurrence for someone in your position. So - although it seems like it is, honey - your friendship with him may not be anything special. Really.

 

Yes, I feel very vulnerable and OM is probably picking up on that. Other men will, too, so I need to get my ducks in a row here. My friendship with him may or may not be something special. Due to my state of mind right now, just about everything is blown out of proportion so I understand what you're saying.

 

If you want to reconcile your marriage, you have to make boundaries with this man. Big big clear ones. You are probably smart enough to know you are not feeling 100% clear on things right now.

 

Good - this is what I need to hear! You know I have been getting some interesting advice from friends, and even my therapist, to just go for it with OM. Imagine the fallout from that. My friends just want me to be happy, of course, and they see OM as a potential source of happiness to me. OM breaking our date, in retrospect, was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. Now, need to make sure we don't go down that road again...

[jthorne]

Good - this is what I need to hear! You know I have been getting some interesting advice from friends, and even my therapist, to just go for it with OM. Imagine the fallout from that. My friends just want me to be happy, of course, and they see OM as a potential source of happiness to me. OM breaking our date, in retrospect, was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. Now, need to make sure we don't go down that road again...

Welcome to LS!

 

2sure has made some really good points to consider.

Respectfully, I know you are attracted to this man, but really how much do you know about him? Sure, he makes you feel good about yourself, but if you don't even know his marital status, how much do you really know? And how can that be enough to just drop your marriage?

 

And... since he's not spoken of it, and he's already broken a date, I'd suspect he's married. Could be wrong, of course, but it's just suspicious that he's left that out. If he's married, how would that change things for you?

[veryconfuzed]

Does he know YOU are married?

 

I feel like a complete idiot saying this, but I'm not sure. I wore my wedding ring, then stopped wearing it a couple of months ago when I separated from my H. At the point when OM asked me out, not sure if he assumed I was single.

 

OM works in a job where they are not allowed to wear rings/jewelry. I need to bite the bullet and ask him directly if he's married. I obviously should have done that a long time ago.

[veryconfuzed]

If he's married, how would that change things for you?

 

I absolutely could not become involved with a married man. That would obviously be a self-destructive choice at this point in my life. Not to mention, I'm just not mistress material. I could never share a man with someone else. I'm very clear about this, so really no worries there.

 

Maybe the best thing for me to find out at this point is that he IS married. That would put an end to things for me.

 

For clarification, at the point when he asked me out (and I said "yes"), I was naively assuming that he was single. Recently I discovered that in his job they are not allowed to wear rings/jewelry. That was an awful discovery.

[jwi71]

I absolutely could not become involved with a married man. That would obviously be a self-destructive choice at this point in my life. Not to mention, I'm just not mistress material. I could never share a man with someone else. I'm very clear about this, so really no worries there.

 

Wait.

You wont be an OW with a MM but you will have an A (on your H)?

 

Could you comment on that because I can't quite follow the thinking...

[veryconfuzed]

Wait.

You wont be an OW with a MM but you will have an A (on your H)?

 

Could you comment on that because I can't quite follow the thinking...

 

All I can say to that is...

 

Yes, I refuse to be an OW with a MM. Period.

 

You may not believe this, but if things had become physical with OM (who I thought was single) I would tell my H immediately and suffer the consequences. As far as the emotional affair goes, at this point I don't think it's a good idea or constructive at all to divulge to H.

[jwi71]

All I can say to that is...

 

Yes, I refuse to be an OW with a MM. Period.

 

You may not believe this, but if things had become physical with OM (who I thought was single) I would tell my H immediately and suffer the consequences. As far as the emotional affair goes, at this point I don't think it's a good idea or constructive at all to divulge to H.

 

Can I challenge the thought process again?

 

Why would you tell of a PA but not an EA?

 

(I really do want to lead you somewhere...not attacking you)

[veryconfuzed]

Can I challenge the thought process again?

 

Why would you tell of a PA but not an EA?

 

(I really do want to lead you somewhere...not attacking you)

 

It's a relevant question. I have struggled with this contradiction. I suppose a PA seems more serious of a betrayal to me than an EA, but I know that's arguable. PAs can be very meaningless. EAs can be more meaningful and more threatening to a spouse.

 

But what will be gained from telling H about the EA and my attraction to OM? I still have to work with OM, so would be very upsetting and threatening to H. Wouldn't it be best to establish friendship boundaries with OM and not divulge to H?

[Owl]

Point blank question for you.

 

In your opening post, you commented:

I do want our marriage to recover - just not sure if it's possible.

 

I'm not challenging you, but I want you to understand that seperation does NOT create an opportunity for your marriage to recover.

 

So I'd ask you to seriously consider what you want. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear...tell me what you truly want.

 

Do you want to try to rebuild your marriage, or do you want to end it and leave?

 

What was your first thought after reading that?

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage, I can give you advice. If you want to end your marriage, I can give you advice. But if you want something in between, or aren't willing to commit to either of those choices...there's little I can offer until you do choose.

[veryconfuzed]

Point blank question for you.

 

In your opening post, you commented:

 

I'm not challenging you, but I want you to understand that seperation does NOT create an opportunity for your marriage to recover.

 

So I'd ask you to seriously consider what you want. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear...tell me what you truly want.

 

Do you want to try to rebuild your marriage, or do you want to end it and leave?

 

I want to be happy again. If there is a chance for that to be with my H then that is my first preference. The problem I'm facing is I'm not sure if that's possible, but I want/need to make the effort to find out. So, the choice I'm making is to try to rebuild my marriage. I realize that OM has to be out of the picture if there is any chance of that.

 

As far as the separation goes, H and I seem to be communicating better while not living in the same house. We see each other (dinner, hiking, walk the dog) about once/week and talk over our issues. We are also each in IC, hoping to get back to MC at some point.

 

I'm not sure why you say separation is not an opportunity for a marriage to recover, so would like to hear more from you on that...

 

Thx.

[jwi71]

It's a relevant question. I have struggled with this contradiction. I suppose a PA seems more serious of a betrayal to me than an EA, but I know that's arguable. PAs can be very meaningless. EAs can be more meaningful and more threatening to a spouse.

 

I understand what you are saying...one is worse than the other - and you'd be right on that point. Its very hard if not impossible for a man forgive a PA.

 

However, an EA is equally damaging. To point, instead of putting this energy into your H, it goes to the OM. Little wonder why things aren't getting better - especially with greatly reduced contact with your H.

 

Ultimately, all A's are damaging to all parties involved - and you'd be surprised at how long the arm of an A is - it touches so many people.

 

But what will be gained from telling H about the EA and my attraction to OM?

Well, Im not sure _what_ was the issue in your M but I can guess "distance" and "loss of intimacy/closeness". And for me, others will differ, a secret, such as an A, creates even MORE distance - a barrier to closeness. How can a M recover if one harbors this secret...it hinders true emotional availability, closeness and ultimately the intimacy you (and everyone) seeks. The harm isn't in telling or not, the harm is in its very existence. The barrier is there, the spouse, your H here, simply isn't aware of it.

 

And since the secret is the barrier, the only way to remove the barrier is to divulge the secret. It also alleviates guilt. The truth truly sets you free. I make no claim to the survivability to the M after disclosure, just that it allows for true intimacy again - although it may be with another after the D. But the point isnt so much as staying in a M simply to do so, its to recapture what you want and once had - intimacy. We all deserve it.

 

I still have to work with OM, so would be very upsetting and threatening to H.

Clearly. Your H may demand that you quit. It would certainly be his right to demand such. And this will force YOUR hand...if you want the M to work...you're gonna have to take a risk - and quit. You do THAT and it would be hard for even the densest human to miss the message- I want our M to work. Of course, refusal to quit is also a risk - and one that says I DON'T value this M.

 

No easy choices, no magic pill. Its a risk and heartache either way.

You, ultimately, have to choose...your M or not.

 

Wouldn't it be best to establish friendship boundaries with OM and not divulge to H?

Not if you have already crossed the boundary. For me, boundaries are just that...boundaries. Not porous membranes that selectively allow and disallow actions based on current circumstance or emotion. If one selectively applies boundaries based upon situational wants - then the "boundary" is merely an excuse.

 

So to say you can now enforce boundaries you have ignored in the past is a dubious endeavor at best. These workplace A's are all to easy to begin and the devil to end.

 

Let me ask you this...what rules, if any, did you establish with this trial divorce?

 

What needs to happen for YOU to refocus on your H and the M?

[Owl]

Seperation nearly always widens the gap between spouses, in my experience.

 

Sometimes it lets each other heal, but that's not all the time by any means.

 

What are you doing to rebuild with your H besides dining together once/week?

 

Marriage counseling? Dating?

 

What are the two of you doing to emotionally re-invest in each other again?

 

If you want to be happy with your H, you need to clearly understand what makes you happy...clearly communicate these things to your H...and work to rebuild the happiness TOGETHER.

 

Why not try COURTING each other again? Go on dates with each other? Make it a formal, 'real' date? No relationship talk allowed...only fun.

 

Save the relationship talk for during marriage counseling sessions. A good MC can create a safe environment for the two of you to re-establish communications. Which is critical towards rebuilding a marriage.

 

And you're right...if you're gonna do this...OM has gotta go.

 

You CANNOT make gains in rebuilding your marriage while considering investing in another emotional relationship...the two are contradictory actions...you'll end up doing both efforts damage.

 

PICK ONE...and move in that direction only.

[jwi71]

I wore my wedding ring, then stopped wearing it a couple of months ago when I separated from my H.

 

I meant to reply to this and got involved writing that thesis. Oops.

 

If you want your M to work why did you remove the ring?

Do you wear it when you are with your H and remove it after?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's a relevant question. I have struggled with this contradiction. I suppose a PA seems more serious of a betrayal to me than an EA, but I know that's arguable. PAs can be very meaningless. EAs can be more meaningful and more threatening to a spouse.

 

Is it also possible that you see this as heavy flirting rather than an EA? I can't fathom being in an EA with someone when you don't even know if they are married, single, widowed, ect... Is it possibly that you believe that most of this is in your head rather than and actual "relationship" with this man?

 

You seem very introspective and very honest with yourself. I cannot believe that your therapist encouraged you to see where it goes when it sounds like other than having some excitement at work, its very plausible that you are "feeling" this more than OM.

[whichwayisup]

Leave your marriage because you feel it's not working, or you feel you've given it your best and it's time to be on your own - Reguardless of what the OM does or doesn't do.

 

If you end your marriage and go be with the OM, after 20 years of marriage without being alone for a while, things more than likely will end and not in a good way. Trust could be a huge issue (she cheated on her H with me, now she's with me, what if she cheats on me, a man who she didn't say vows to) and you may look at him differently down the line, wishing that you had tried harder in your marriage because he wasn't who you thought he was, once the honeymoon/affairyland phase wears off.

 

I hope you take time ALONE to figure out what is best for you..

 

Do you have children to consider? If yes, then please, make sure you and your H have given it your all before throwing in the towel.

[Passion4Life]

I absolutely could not become involved with a married man. That would obviously be a self-destructive choice at this point in my life. Not to mention, I'm just not mistress material. I could never share a man with someone else. I'm very clear about this, so really no worries there.

 

Maybe the best thing for me to find out at this point is that he IS married. That would put an end to things for me.

 

For clarification, at the point when he asked me out (and I said "yes"), I was naively assuming that he was single. Recently I discovered that in his job they are not allowed to wear rings/jewelry. That was an awful discovery.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what if in case OM is single ? would you want to be with him as you said you are attracted to him ? If your answer is yes , then you already know what you need to do .

[Passion4Life]

I absolutely could not become involved with a married man. That would obviously be a self-destructive choice at this point in my life. Not to mention, I'm just not mistress material. I could never share a man with someone else. I'm very clear about this, so really no worries there.

 

Maybe the best thing for me to find out at this point is that he IS married. That would put an end to things for me.

 

For clarification, at the point when he asked me out (and I said "yes"), I was naively assuming that he was single. Recently I discovered that in his job they are not allowed to wear rings/jewelry. That was an awful discovery.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what if in case OM is single ? would you want to be with him as you said you are attracted to him ? If your answer is yes , then you already know what you need to do .

 

Best of luck

[veryconfuzed]

Is it also possible that you see this as heavy flirting rather than an EA? I can't fathom being in an EA with someone when you don't even know if they are married, single, widowed, ect... Is it possibly that you believe that most of this is in your head rather than and actual "relationship" with this man?

 

Hmmm... I'm not sure about heavy flirting vs. an EA, but maybe this will give you a better idea...

 

Most of the time me and OM spend together has been on legitimate work issues, but some has been time we arranged alone together during work just having fun (not work). I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my H about those times. Conversations where he tells me his feelings about various things (not me) have felt very personal. He has gotten upset when his male coworkers have tried to get involved in the work he and I do together. Energy, eye contact, smiles, flirting, have all been far more intense than anything I've ever experienced with a flirty coworker. And, of course, he asked me out for a drink at one point.

 

As far as not knowing if he's married, that was complicated. I thought he was single for a long time because he didn't wear a ring (stupid of me), but recently found out that for his job they aren't allowed to wear rings/jewelry. My gut feeling is that we have both avoided talking about our (romantic) relationships because it's a lot easier to play this game without mentioning your real relationships. We'll be talking about them soon, though, because I need to know.

 

You seem very introspective and very honest with yourself. I cannot believe that your therapist encouraged you to see where it goes when it sounds like other than having some excitement at work, its very plausible that you are "feeling" this more than OM.

 

I think it's not just plausible, but probable that I'm feeling this more than OM, but my therapist did suggest that maybe it would be good for both me and my H to see other people while we were separated. I have read other posts on LS that their therapists have suggested the same thing. I think it's a bad idea.