Hi everyone.

[habs53]

Hi, i have read many of the threads here and mine is similar but a bit different.

 

I have been married to my wife for 6 years and have been with her 15. We have a 10 year old son as well. We are both 43 years old.

We started fighting a few months back and now she wants to leave me and has rented an apartment. She is still living at home but will be leaving in 9 days. She gave me the same old line that she loves me but not in the same way. She told me she has felt this for over 2 years. I was really devastated by this news and 3 weeks later still am. I tried begging her and all the fun stuff. Now i feel my self getting angry. Its hard while she is still here and watching her pack. I also do not want to forget to say that her mom died 7 months ago. She was sick for almost 2 years. My wife will admit that she not over her mom dying and she has never been the same person since.

 

Now here is the odd stuff.

 

When i was begging her to stay she said i was only saying that because of our son.

When the days i am mad i tell her to leave now. Her comeback always is thats what you want me to do anyways.

 

We came to an agreement a week ago that she would stay for a while longer. Mostly for the child. She agreed to go to the doctor for her depression and she would go to canceling with me when she was ready. I would not force her. 2 days later i was mentioning how much work our marriage is going to take and she quickly stopped me and said she had no intention of saving our marriage. Its almost like she is allowed to talk negative about our relation ship but i am not. During this 2 day stretch she even came home with a new comforter for our bed. She was very happy about this purchase and even said our bed. Even my councilor is very confused by this.

 

On other thing and im sorry for jumping all over the place. She said that she has been feeling like this for 2 years. She came home a month and a half ago from having a few drinks with her friends. She sat on the end of the bed and told me she loved me. Actually twice to make sure i heard her. Now she denies even saying this. I have no idea what i am actually fighting her. I almost fell like i am fighting the ghost of her mom.

Does any body have any clue what i should do?

[2sure]

She sounds as though all she really wants to do is be passive aggressive in punishing you for her unhappiness.

 

Have you read about the whole 180 thing? I really think you should.

[habs53]

Oh i think you may be on to something. I never thought of that. She is making me feel so down on myself. She never wants to speak reason and gets mad about it.

[2sure]

You should do something to take the lead one way or the other. Its like the crazy person is driving the bus.

[just_some_guy]

As the Leaver (rather then the leav-ee), I would say it is time to back off a bit. No begging her to stay, no lashing out in anger. Neither are attractive, nor will they convince her to stay. If she feels it is time to live alone, allow her that, but insist that she and you use the time apart to work on your individual healing, growth and well being. Ask her if she will go see a family/marriage therapist together. Perhaps you can set up a structured time to see each other once a week, for dinner or coffee, for a set amount of time.

 

It sounds to me like she is confused. I know I felt that way. Go see a marriage counsellor together and individual counseling as well. There are problems here, that are deep and will take a lot of work to get through.

 

You may have to deal with the marriage that has died, but it may be possible to let her heal and grow, along with yourself, and then take a new look at each other and your relationship going forward after some weeks, maybe some months, perhaps together, perhaps apart.

 

You have a child together, so you must continue to relate to each other. Whether that is in marriage or apart is something that only time will tell.

[habs53]

Unfortunately she wants nothing to do with a counselor. I almost think she has flipped her lid.

[sailer]

i feel ur pain..we were together for 12 married for 1.5 and she did not come home one night and said next day its over met someone etc etc..went to counceling but she said her decision was made etc etc..this is same woman who wanted to have kids up to the end..i went NC and now its been 6 weeks..i am still in shock. Her sister and mother could not stop her from moving out a month after she told me..confusion is the word..blamed me for everything when i saw her as she moved out..brought up stupid things..i play golf too much, she does too much for me blah blah blah..even psychologist can not understand her behavior..but with horrible childhood and two other short term failed marriage no issues were ever resolved..in additon she drinks daily..not fall down but daily..she is strong independent woman and unlikely to change..but i love her to death and have been in constant pain since she left me and now with another MARRIED MAN who supposedly can not divorce his wife and has even cheated on his wife....My shock involved my wife who is very intelligent and why she would ever put herself in this situation..its mind blowing..never exhibited this before..I keep asking myself WHY WHY..its so stupid to throw it all away and for that...

[hopesndreams]

Let her go Habs, cut her off at the knees. She doesn't want to work at the M, is moving out soon. The only fight there is left, is to completely shock her by doing the 180. Once she is gone, living on her own and dating others, would be surprised if she hasn't being doing that already with a certain someone, you must go LC, limited contact, and only talk about your son, and that's it, that's all. Do not allow her to shoot you down, make you the bad guy anymore. She's the quitter and there is usually a reason for those that quit, as in, someone else in the picture.

 

We came to an agreement a week ago that she would stay for a while longer.

 

Her shiny. new life isn't set up with the OM yet.

 

Here's the 180.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[heartbrokensj]

Sorry to hear that your in going throug this. As hopesndreams says, let her go and don't act needy. Its so hard to do but if all your attempts at trying to get her to see your side of things is not working, please refrain from doing it. Use this time to go through the motions and then gain your strength and self esteem back to do the things that make you happy.

[habs53]

Thanks everyone. This is how bad it is. I came home this morning from getting some coffee and she was packing. I simply said how goes the battle. She simply looked at me and said you dont care anyways. God this woman is confused or something. If she is having an affair she is doing a good job at hiding it. She is home every night. It is almost impossible to control my anger with her still here. Now there is boxes all over the place and my son hates being here like this. What a mess.

[hopesndreams]

Does she work outside the home?

[heartbrokensj]

She simply looked at me and said you dont care anyways. God this woman is confused or something. If she is having an affair she is doing a good job at hiding it. She is home every night. It is almost impossible to control my anger with her still here. Now there is boxes all over the place and my son hates being here like this. What a mess.

 

 

Hmm sounds like this depressive state of hers has her emotions all over the place and I dont think anyone can blame you for your feelings of confusion and anger. When someone is in tihs state, he or she cannot see or feel anything beyond his or her own emotions and it is difficult to be in your position to see her act and react this way. Hang in there, habs53!

[habs53]

Thanks again for all the kind words. This afternoon i blew up at her and told her she made no sense what so ever. How can someone not love someone and keep testing them like this. I believe she should have left weeks ago. This is plain and simple torture to me. I feel the love for her turning into hatred. I dont feel there is any hope for us because she does not seem to want hope. She also told me she does not love herself as well. I wish she would just leave and get out of my life.

[habs53]

Hi, I got a little carryed away in my last post. I really do not want her to leave. I just get so mad and feel depressed. Well I tryed doing the 180 thing and it may have been working. She told my sun she may consider counciling. Then I went and did something really stupid. I told her that she only considered that to make my sun feel better. It almost seems now that I am the negative person. I really do not mean to this. I'm am just scared. I here all these nigtmare storys of her maybe cheating and stuff. She leaves in 6 days and I'm so going to miss her. Should I maybe tell her this? I am so really confused.

[habs53]

Still need some help here people. I had a chat with my wife last night on the phone and she sais that she needs to do what she is doing. She has felt neglected and depressed for over 2 years. I told her that i still loved her and she really likes to listen to this.

 

After i talked to her my niece talked to her. My niece is 30 years old and basically told me that she is very similar to my wife. Clinically depressed and does not love her self. She talked to her and asked her lots of questions. She asked her if she was depressed? Yes She asked her if she felt neglected? Yes

You must feel very low on your self? I do not like myself was the answer. Is moving out of your home the correct thing to do? At this time i feel like it is the only option. Do you hate it when he tells you he still loves you? No

Do you want him to continue telling you this? Yes i want to here him tell me.

 

So basically i got off the phone with her and felt no hope. Then my niece told me not to be so sure. She is convinced she still has feelings for me. She is under the impression that she needs to feel better about herself and wants me to wait for her.

 

I was doing the 180 thing on her. Should maybe i just be nice to her and keep telling her that i miss her and want her to come home.

 

Really confused here.

[just_some_guy]

Habs,

 

Due to the probable clinical depression and other issues, now is the time to call in professional help. You both need individual counseling, your wife likely needs therapy and medication for the depression. If she feels it is time to separate, this can be good. Back off a bit, give some breathing room, be patient. Start looking into options for professional assistance. Check if your employer offers an EAP program, which frequently offers assistance and free visits to marriage therapists.

 

Depression can be treated and it needs to be treated by licensed professional, preferably a therapist and a psychiatrist to manage the medication.

 

You should probably look into some individual counseling for yourself.

[Gunny376]

What she needs to do is make a medical appointment with both an MD, a psychologist or such.

 

I was more or less force to do so, as a condition of continued employment. Once your over a certain age? Its hard finding a job anywhere.

 

So I did what you probally wouldn't find any Marine ever voluntarily do? I made an appointment with a psychologist who diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

 

For years upon years since my divorce wasn't living life ~ I was existing. Slugging through one day after another. I was not just angry? I was seriously PO'd at the World and most anyone else. The least little of things would set me off.

 

I got to self medicating with alcohol. BIG TIME!

 

I thought it strange that my psychologist working in tandem with my MD, (Who prescribed the meds) made my next appointment two months after my initial consultation?

 

I understand now? It takes time for the meds to kick in, to find the right medication, in the right amount. They have side effects, my initial one was stomach cramps and serious constipation. (I know more news than you can use)

 

Now its wanting to sleep all of the time. I'm working on that ~ in deed that was the reason I was drinking so much because otherwise I would go days upon days without sleeping.

 

Each person is different and has a different body chemistry. So it may take sometime to find the right medication and the correct dosage. I had tried Zoloft at one time and it just made me feel weird and have strange dreams.

 

The medication (antidepressants and anxiety medication) has worked wonders in changing my perception, my attitude. I much more a positive and outgoing person, easier to get along with, more concentrated and focused not just in my job ~ but my everything. My work performance has improved ~ and in general? My life has turned around 180 degrees.

 

I would say that my anxiety and depression came from a number of sources.

 

The cumulative events of my life.

 

Having done my "Twenty" in the Corps and all the stress of the day to day of doing so?

 

My divorce and having gone through "Hurricane Elaine" ~ that is to say having lost everything through the divorce.

 

All of the crap that I went through, experienced, saw, while in the Corps.

 

Getting out of the Corps after twenty years ~ I was institutionalized. Getting back out here in civilian la~la land really threw me for a loop! In someways, in a lot of ways doing twenty years in the military is the same as doing twenty in prison.

 

You get told what time to get up, what time to go to bed, what time to eat, what time to do this and that!

 

What you need to tell her, and coach her toward is that you love her, have always loved her, will always love her ~ but she needs to take the steps to see a MD and a psychologist working in conjunction to get her back into a healthy state of mind.

 

Most depression and anxiety are a combination of bio-chemical ~ body chemical imbalances combine with real life experiences.

 

Women are more prone to depression~anxiety than men are. Its because there's so much social~cultural expectations as to what makes a good mother, wife, spouse, soccer mom,

 

Other women put so much pressure upon themselves and each other? Its freaking un-real!

 

At this point? Forget saving the marriage!

 

Concentrate on getting her well and in a better place and state of mind.

 

BTW? Two months ago I was a mess! Actually six years and for the most part of the last twenty years I've been one messed up SOB.

 

The AD's and the anti-anxiety drugs? They don't make me "drugged" nor "Stoned" Nor even sluggish. They make me concentrated, more focused

 

They make me a good 90% + of the happy go lucky, smiling, laughing, care free guy that I was thirty years plus back in HS.

 

I'm a good 90%+ back to being ME!

 

And I'm not one damned bit ashamed of admitting? Yea I had a drinking and thinking thing ~ problem? Yea I'm seeing a psychologist! And yea I'm taking antidepressents and anti-axiety drugs.

 

If you have a problem with that? That's what it is! Your problem ~ not mine!

[habs53]

Well my wife left home yesterday. She told me before she left she will go see a therapist for herself and her depression. Gee i miss her so much already. This house is not the same. The night before she left i kept catching her watching me. I would look over at her and she would be watching me and then quickly return to her book so i wouldnt notice. Then early in the morning i laid beside her in bed for the first time in over two weeks. She woke up for a second looked right at me and went back to sleep with a very happy look on her face.

 

She called this morning and i told her i would not wait forever for her. At this moment my brain is telling me to forger her but my heart is holding on with hope. I even told her that i think she still has feeling for me although maybe very mixed up. She had a long moment of silence but did not answer. A week ago she would have told me that she had no feeling.

 

I think i will give her a few weeks before i call her. I do however am not giving this mush hope. I miss her so bad.

[Gunny376]

Zilch that!

 

Your wife needs to go and see a professional and get on some meds.

 

Even then you need to leave her alone ~ it takes awhile for the meds to kick in. A month or more.

 

She may issues that's she's never spoken to nor anyone else ~ such as being sexually molested.

 

I saw a program on MSNBC about a sadist who used and abused a woman, sedated her with drugs for three days ~ who only had nightmares of such to only find out that they were true?

 

Per a conversation with a co-worker? All antidepressants are? Are tranquilers?

 

They've done wonders for me! I'm not as PO about every at every little thing, I smile more, I laugh more, I'm more personable, easier to get along with, sleep better.....................

 

I suspect your wife was molested as a girl-child.

 

And she's so buried it ~ so denied it?

[hopesndreams]

Well my wife left home yesterday. She told me before she left she will go see a therapist for herself and her depression. Gee i miss her so much already. This house is not the same. The night before she left i kept catching her watching me. I would look over at her and she would be watching me and then quickly return to her book so i wouldnt notice. Then early in the morning i laid beside her in bed for the first time in over two weeks. She woke up for a second looked right at me and went back to sleep with a very happy look on her face.

 

 

Don't ever forget that happy look on her face. She expressed her power over you and you have every reason to be angry over this. Don't squash your feelings of anger. You need to be angry with what she has done in order to move on.

She called this morning and i told her i would not wait forever for her. At this moment my brain is telling me to forger her but my heart is holding on with hope. I even told her that i think she still has feeling for me although maybe very mixed up. She had a long moment of silence but did not answer. A week ago she would have told me that she had no feeling.

 

I think i will give her a few weeks before i call her. I do however am not giving this mush hope. I miss her so bad.

 

That's the human way. You are traumatized and it's perfectly normal to cling onto hope. It's a way for you to cope with the pain of the loss. The giving up the hope is the hardest part of all. This is where the anger stage will help you most.

Edited May 31, 2010 by hopesndreams

[habs53]

Well i have decided to do the 180 on her. I am not very impressed with her for not even trying. I will give it a month or so. The sad thing that she told me a 2 months ago that she loved me. Anyways not talking to her will help me to forget her if it doesnt work anyways.

[hopesndreams]

Go LC, Limited Contact, because of the child. Go NC, No Contact, when it is something to do with your life. She's left. It's no longer her business what you are doing and vice versa. Don't be there for her emotionally and don't reach out to her when you are going crazy with grief.

 

Let her enjoy living without you as much as you enjoy living without her.

 

If you struggle too much, visit the family doc.

[habs53]

thanks for all the advise people. i feel a little better everyday

[You Go Girl]

habs,

I think your wife is seriously depressed. I don't think the 180 is the right answer in this case. The 180 is a snub, and she will get angry with you ignoring her.

Don't ignore her if you want her back. I think the answer is simple kindness. Just be kind. Don't lash out with angry words. Be steady, a rock. That's what she is missing in her life.

I don't think the 180 brings anybody back. I think simple steady kindness does.

[habs53]

Thanks You go Girl. Yes she is depressed. She began taking meds again for it and she said they are not working. We have had a bad spell for the last few years but she honestly told me she loved me just a few months back. It really makes me angry that she cannot remember this. I think i should call her tomorrow and offer some help. She is still my wife even if she is here or not. I feel bad for her if she stays with me or not.