Hi everyone.

[habs53]

Habs- while I'm sure the lack of nutrients is only making her situation worse, I would bet that her mothers death is the reason she is depressed. I'm not sure how much older her mother is than her but she could be freaking out right now about her own mortality. And as trippi said, a MLC does sound about right. I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my adult life and it is a terrible disease. You do things that don't make any sense but at the time it seems like the only thing that makes sense. I cringe at many of the things I've done when I was in that black hole of despair. I hope your wife gets the help she needs before it is too late for your marriage. (((HUGS)))

Unforntunately there is not way to make her do this. The only way to even get her to talk about it is when you do things for her and show her some positive attitude. But the problem is, that goes against the 180 that i am doing. This is a very odd situation, thats why i am going to ask my counsilor for some advise on this. He must have dealt with a situation like this.

Oh and yes, im sure her moms death has played a huge role and maybe even triggering a MLC. She even admitted her mom was playing a role in this and then the next day denied it.

[habs53]

Well its almost 1am here in the morning and a very depressing night. My son had a friend over and they almost drove me nuts. I feel wore out, alone depressed and many other things. I was planning on starting a comeback with her tommorow but i think i will just drop him off and get the hell out of there as fast as my car will go. Well i guess she won. She got the best of me. At this time i feel there is no hope what so ever. Geez just yesturday i felt so good about myself. Now this. I know time will heal but i thought i was further along than this. I feel anger for her tonight that i have not felt in weeks. I think the worst is not knowing how she feels. I mean, she will never tell me. She could be having sex right now for all i know. Maybe im just tired and upset besause my house is such a mess from those 2 boys. I really feel the need for affection that only a woman could bring. I think thats the only thing that will break me from this. Then its officially over.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[trippi1432]

Well its almost 1am here in the morning and a very depressing night. My son had a friend over and they almost drove me nuts. I feel wore out, alone depressed and many other things. I was planning on starting a comeback with her tommorow but i think i will just drop him off and get the hell out of there as fast as my car will go. Well i guess she won. She got the best of me. At this time i feel there is no hope what so ever. Geez just yesturday i felt so good about myself. Now this. I know time will heal but i thought i was further along than this. I feel anger for her tonight that i have not felt in weeks. I think the worst is not knowing how she feels. I mean, she will never tell me. She could be having sex right now for all i know. Maybe im just tired and upset besause my house is such a mess from those 2 boys. I really feel the need for affection that only a woman could bring. I think thats the only thing that will break me from this. Then its officially over.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

Habs - what you are going through right now is perfectly natural....just about everyone here on LS has gone through it...some still going through it. Just breath, be thankful that you at least have someone in your house just for company....even though they may annoy you and may not be who you wish it was. I have my son this week and, although he loves to annoy me, it's refreshing to have him here even though I know I will be alone again in a week.

 

Get some rest and rethink things....thinking the worst will only serve to feed your pain. {{{Hugs}}}

[habs53]

Habs - what you are going through right now is perfectly natural....just about everyone here on LS has gone through it...some still going through it. Just breath, be thankful that you at least have someone in your house just for company....even though they may annoy you and may not be who you wish it was. I have my son this week and, although he loves to annoy me, it's refreshing to have him here even though I know I will be alone again in a week.

 

Get some rest and rethink things....thinking the worst will only serve to feed your pain. {{{Hugs}}}

If you were here right now i would give you a big hug.

[habs53]

Well well, i think she is getting annoyed with the 180. She will txt me and i dont bother replying for hours. Maybe never. She just said to me are you going to answer me or what? Then i gave her a quick relpy and she anwers sounds great thanks. She doesnt know what to think. I dont think she was expecting this.

Edited June 30, 2010 by habs53

[habs53]

Well i have been doing the no contact thing very well. Take forever anwering her txt messages. Deleted facebook. Everything perfect. I do feel somewhat better about myself. Not quite there yet.

Anyways, my son comes home and tells me his mother is not dating anyone. She was asked out once and declined. Also she sent home a picture she took with her of my son. She wanted me to have it. Some people tell me that when a woman tells you they dont love you anymore its final. Others tell you thats just not true. Dont believe a word they tell you. She did ask if i could change days so she could go to a work bbq. I said yes. She replyed with a thank you very much. Ill i can say is that when im nice to her she opens up a bit. Myabe im trying to convince myself of something that isnt there.

 

 

Im not sure if i should put the effort in to make this work and go back on the roller coaster. Maybe i should start dating soon. Maybe i should get on a plane and never come home. lol

[trippi1432]

Well i have been doing the no contact thing very well. Take forever anwering her txt messages. Deleted facebook. Everything perfect. I do feel somewhat better about myself. Not quite there yet.

Anyways, my son comes home and tells me his mother is not dating anyone. She was asked out once and declined. Also she sent home a picture she took with her of my son. She wanted me to have it. Some people tell me that when a woman tells you they dont love you anymore its final. Others tell you thats just not true. Dont believe a word they tell you. She did ask if i could change days so she could go to a work bbq. I said yes. She replyed with a thank you very much. Ill i can say is that when im nice to her she opens up a bit. Myabe im trying to convince myself of something that isnt there.

 

 

Im not sure if i should put the effort in to make this work and go back on the roller coaster. Maybe i should start dating soon. Maybe i should get on a plane and never come home. lol

 

Habs....look up at the above bolded text.....

 

Next....read this...........SMACK!!!!!!

 

Ok...now that we have over with....go back and read your entire post again.....lets start with "when you are nice, she opens up a bit"......

 

Now, think about what everyone has been telling you...including what you have posted on my threads.......start over on your post.

 

(And you know I mean this in the best possible way.)

 

:o:o

[habs53]

Yes i know nice lady. Its all so hard on the mind. lol

[whichwayisup]

Anyways, my son comes home and tells me his mother is not dating anyone. She was asked out once and declined.

 

I smell a rat. She's using your son as the go-between and that's not cool. Either she's lying to him or playing you abit.

 

Stick to the NC. You're doing great.

 

Don't date. You're vunerable and nowhere ready to get involved with anybody. The timing is wrong, you know this.. I understand you're lonely and want companionship, but focus on your kids and if you need company, see your family, close buddy's and friends. Keep busy and again, don't date that woman.. It's just going to add stuff in your life that you're not ready to deal with and handle. There's enough on your plate now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...She's fishing.

 

Continue detaching. besides why would you want to date her after all she's done. she's trying to manipulate you my friend.

[trippi1432]

I don't think she used the son as a go-between....did she Habs?

[habs53]

Well im not sure if she used him as a go between or not. The time my son thought she was chatting with a boyfriend online he came home and told me and i quicky called her. He may have asked her for information this time but i doubt it.

 

I will continue the NC but i have already given in a bit. We switched days with my son. Not really sure if thats given in however. I will eventually have to start getting back in a bit. Just little by litte.

 

Yes i agree,she should not be telling my son anything. I dont.

 

Also i believe i have found an allie. Her other sister who she always talks to. I have been telling her how well i have been doing and about my new job prospects. Kinda dirty pool haha

 

The girl i am talking to lives along way from me. We were friends along time ago. She is divorse as of a few years ago. We share our thoughts about what happened to each other. I feel this is a safe way to have the comfort of another woman, and maybe in time we could see each other. Not to concerned about that.

[habs53]

...She's fishing.

 

Continue detaching. besides why would you want to date her after all she's done. she's trying to manipulate you my friend.

This is where the confusion is coming from. My son wants us back together very bad. I am at a cross roads. Should i try again or shouldnt i.

[habs53]

I just got the whole scoop from my child. This is what went on. My wife went to a movie with my son with some man. He said he was old enough to be his grandfather. When they got back to the apt building than man asked her on a date right in front of him. My wife said no and wanted nothing more than friends. Then he left. When my wife got inside the apt building she told my son that she didnt think she would ever be ready for that.

 

Ok, this is a woman that told me not to do anything in front of my child. She didnt want my son subject to this. Should i say something to her? Please someone give me some advice.

[habs53]

Ok, the anger got the best of me. I txt her and told her everything my son told me. I reminded her of what she told me. Ended with shame on you.

Well, i just got a reply from her as i was typing. She said they were only friends and nothing more. She said no, no shame on her.

 

I repleyed with..

You know what, i would never take my son to a movie with another woman. Friend or not. You know what, i have been a good husband to you if you see it or not. I give up.

 

Well i guess thats it.

[trippi1432]

Well, at least you got affirmation that she did go to the movies with a man...sometimes it is not easy to trust the information a child gives you as they are more confused than both of you are.

 

My ex never sought validation if I was seeing someone.....he just used his assumptions and my son's suspicions to validate the failure of our marriage. Of course in my case, I wasn't seeing/dating anyone, he just needed affirmation that it was ok to move right in with his girlfriend that showed up faster than your head could spin. We had the same agreement as the two of you did....not subjecting our son to dates...etc. So, I can understand your anger; but what are you more angry about? That she took your son to the movies with another man or that she tested the waters by going somewhere with another man?

[habs53]

I have blown the whole 180 thing. Her saying she may be never ready for this is kinda odd however. I dont think that has anything to do with me however. Thats her depression thing talking i would believe.

[habs53]

Well, at least you got affirmation that she did go to the movies with a man...sometimes it is not easy to trust the information a child gives you as they are more confused than both of you are.

 

My ex never sought validation if I was seeing someone.....he just used his assumptions and my son's suspicions to validate the failure of our marriage. Of course in my case, I wasn't seeing/dating anyone, he just needed affirmation that it was ok to move right in with his girlfriend that showed up faster than your head could spin. We had the same agreement as the two of you did....not subjecting our son to dates...etc. So, I can understand your anger; but what are you more angry about? That she took your son to the movies with another man or that she tested the waters by going somewhere with another man?

Honestly both. But she said it was not a date. He offered to take them to a movie and she said ok. Sounds like a date to i. How in gods name did she think my son would react to this. I know you told me not to start dating, but this girl that lives away is starting to sound better and better. We flirt a bit but nothing major. I will continue to talk to her and see where it goes in the future.

[habs53]

Holy crap, i have figured out who this guy is. My wife for the last few months kept bringing up this brother guy of a lady she worked with. He is a counsilor for our city. Everytime i would talk about the roads she mentioned this guy.

My son, said this guys name was Bruce. I looked under my citys website and asked my son if this was the guy. He said omg daddy yes it is.

 

I would love to find out if this guy is married. Wouldnt look good for a counsilor to be doing this. Friends my ass. Now the truth is coming out. Wonder if i should mention to my wife i know her story.

[habs53]

Well i couldnt help myself, i txt her and told her i knew.

Me.. I have put 2 and 2 together and i know its the counsilor guy

Her (insantly by the way) so what we are only friends

Me.. Sorry to interfere with your personal life its none of my business

Her.. Its not personal, we are only fiends

Me..I will never impose again ..its none of my business..sorry again

Her.. I told you i am not intersested in dating..no one.. and that is that

Me .. Well its still really none of my business. Well have fun at your bbq and have a good night. Sorry

 

Well i guess the 180 is gone lol. took 8 steps backwards here. Odd how she keeps telling me she has no interest in dating. But also she never mentions anything about her marriage. I know i should just move on but i cannot just stop loving this person. I think i will just forget this and give it some time. Continue taking care of myself and very limited contact. I will offer do things for her because she is the mother of my child. Seems like she is still stuggliing with her emotions. I will continue talking to this distant OW. She is the only thing that keeps my sanity right now. We have so much in common.

Edited July 3, 2010 by habs53

[habs53]

Oh my...what a mess. First, I'm so sorry for the state of your marriage. But you really, really need to stop putting your child in the middle. Just stop it. It's not right.

 

Second, my head is spinning from all this back and forth..."I'm doing 180, I'm talking to her, I'm kissing her, I'm doing 180, etc. etc." Just back off already. You're SEPARATED. It's not your business who she sees now. Don't let her know you even care. Only talk about your son and nothing else. If you even have a snowball's chance of fixing this, you're going to botch the whole thing up with this push/pull game. Just step back. Breathe. And leave her be.

 

And please...leave your little boy out of you and your wife's drama. It's just not right and will damage him in the end.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Yes i know, you are right. Unfortunately he keeps coming home and telling me stuff without asking. This NC thing with children is really hard. I have been doing the 180 perfectly until today. Been almost a month. That kissing stuff was before that. If he comes home for now one and tells me anything i will just ignore him. Yes i blew it today. Im kinda ashamed of myself.

Edited July 3, 2010 by habs53

[habs53]

Ok, I see you edited your post after I posted. No, please don't ignore your son when he tells you stuff. I mean that's half his life...with his mother. You don't want to act like you're not interested in half his life do you? Just try to respond and acknowledge what he said in a neutral tone with no questions, no attitude - dispassionate and noncommittal is what you want to aim for.

 

I could go into a whole thing about why your son is doing this but that's another story....

Again you are making a good point, i will do that. I assume that he is trying to get us back together. Im not really sure.

[hopesndreams]

At least now you have found out she does have a new fella. I believe she "used" the child to send information to you. She couldn't stand being separated from OM, that's why her son tagged along to the movies. As for telling OM they will just be friends and that she might never be ready for dating? That is just what she wanted you to hear. It was probably planned out that way by the both of them.

 

Will OM be at the upcoming BBQ?

 

Definitely look into whether or not he is M. If he does have a W, it's only right that she should be informed.

 

She no longer lives with you. You still have hope something could be worked out. It's too bad she couldn't/wouldn't be truthful with you and may never be.

 

You really do have all you need to know now to quit torturing yourself.

[hopesndreams]

But he doesn't really know that that man is the OM. Earlier it was stated that the "OM" was a man in Australia I believe. This very well may have been just a friend...especially since it was stated that he was a much older man. Doesn't matter though. The fact remains that they are separated.

 

I think you're giving unwise advice by telling him to poke around and find out if this man is married. It keeps him focused on this whole thing even more AND will piss his wife off even more when she gets wind of it...thereby blowing any chance there might be for reconciliation.

 

It will help Habs get his head out of the sand. I stand by the advice given. They are still technically married at this point in time.

[habs53]

At least now you have found out she does have a new fella. I believe she "used" the child to send information to you. She couldn't stand being separated from OM, that's why her son tagged along to the movies. As for telling OM they will just be friends and that she might never be ready for dating? That is just what she wanted you to hear. It was probably planned out that way by the both of them.

 

Will OM be at the upcoming BBQ?

 

Definitely look into whether or not he is M. If he does have a W, it's only right that she should be informed.

 

She no longer lives with you. You still have hope something could be worked out. It's too bad she couldn't/wouldn't be truthful with you and may never be.

 

You really do have all you need to know now to quit torturing yourself.

Well the bbq is right now as we speak. I have no way to tell if he is there or not unless i get in my car and go there lol. I have no way to tell if he has a wife or not. God he is like 15 years older than her. Ugly as sin lol. I dont understand why i should inform the wife anyways. What good would that do.