Hi everyone.

[habs53]

well my wife was very chatty with me with the txt messages this morning. i hope i am doing the right thing helping her with things. some days i have hope for us and some i dont. doing this almost seems like continuing the heartache. i told her i missed her. maybe i shouldnt be telling her these things.

[You Go Girl]

well my wife was very chatty with me with the txt messages this morning. i hope i am doing the right thing helping her with things. some days i have hope for us and some i dont. doing this almost seems like continuing the heartache. i told her i missed her. maybe i shouldnt be telling her these things.

 

Telling her once you miss her is fine. Telling her over and over is not. Women won't come back to a man that seems indifferent, that's why I don't believe in the 180.

Helping your wife is what a husband does. And if it all blows up in your face and she wants a divorce, well, you know what? You helped a person who needed it at the time. More people should help others, regardless of who they are. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of, or regret later. And she can remember that you did those things until her dying day.

[habs53]

Every site i read tells me that when someone wants a separation that your marriage is done. Its all kind of discouraging.

[habs53]

Telling her once you miss her is fine. Telling her over and over is not. Women won't come back to a man that seems indifferent, that's why I don't believe in the 180.

Helping your wife is what a husband does. And if it all blows up in your face and she wants a divorce, well, you know what? You helped a person who needed it at the time. More people should help others, regardless of who they are. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of, or regret later. And she can remember that you did those things until her dying day.

well when i told her i missed her she never even replied. Do you think maybe i should just tell her i am moving on and give her what she probably wants? As mentioned below i do not see many forums where someone has returned from these things.

[habs53]

Hi folks, update time. Well first of all i must apologize for some of the stupid things i post on here. Im on a roller coaster ride.

Well something odd happened 2 days ago. I had to go to her work to pick up my sons things because he stayed there the night before. We talked for a bit about him and then i started talking about us. I confirmed her that my heart was still with her but i would not wait forever. She seemed to understand. I also told her that i cannot wait for her if she cannot help herself with her depression. At this point she told me that she was going to book an appointment on Friday on her day off which is today. Anyways we ended the conversation with a hug but she kinda really held me tighter this time. I held the back of her head and then i kissed her cheek. Then i kissed her. lol Her head was kinda turned and she looked a bit nervous. But i did it. It was not planned just kinda in the moment thing. It has been sometime since we even had a kiss. I was expecting a slap in the face or something. Then i looked at her up and down and told her she was hot. lol The next day i asked her how she felt about what happened and if it upset her. She said it never upset her she just felt a little awkward .

 

She seemed to glowing after this. Maybe i was wrong but she did seem to be happy. Later that night she called to say good night to our son and seems very cheery to me. Today she seems back to her low tone voice.

 

Was this wrong to happen? I mean i cannot avoid her because of our son.

 

I have decided not to talk to her for a week or so. Give her some time. Only talk about the boy and mostly business. I will not tell her i miss her.

She makes it very hard how to take her. Some days i actually think she is waiting for me to show her physically how i feel about her.

 

I really dont know how to take her. Give her time. Give her affection. Geez this is confusing. I am not convinced she doesnt love me anymore. Maybe im wrong.

Edited June 5, 2010 by habs53

[ishmaiel]

...She simply looked at me and said you dont care anyways. God this woman is confused or something...

 

I'm going to offer another perspective.

 

It is very clear that your wife is having a very hard time right now. She may not have processed what happened 2 years ago, and maybe doesn't even know how.

 

She may be feeling alone, hopeless. Cutting off ties, even to central people in her life, may be a defense mechanism.

 

That her actions are inconsistent reflects her inner conflict. She may not realize how conflicted she is and/or how to begin to deal with it.

 

I suggest that you try to approach her with strength and unconditional support. Put your own feelings aside for just a moment (I know, that is very hard to do) and do your best to give her a safe place to talk and be.

 

Reach out to her, but also, make it safe for her to reach out to you. Don't use words like 'confusing', instead, say 'conflicted'.

[habs53]

Hi, thanks for the nice reply. you make a very good point. At times i truly believe that she wants me to win back her love. I dont believe thats its truly all gone. I just dont know the fine line between bothering her and being with her. She seems to respond more to the touching part than the words i tell her. I agree that she has some conflicts going on in there.

[habs53]

Geez just when you think thinks were looking up, i take 10 steps back. I emailed her today to see how she felt and basically got the cold shoulder. The visit to her work was basically forgotten about. I think she may be a bit upset that our son doesnt want to stay with her very often.

This is a roller coaster ride of my life. The stress is awful.

 

I ended up taking him to her place tonight and she was having dinner with a female friend of hers. I started looking around her place with all her new stuff and sat on the coach for a bit. I was basically getting ignored so i told her i would come back and pick him up. I told her i was tired of being ignored and left.

Later i told her that i was tired of being treated this way. I told her she definitely had conflicts going on inside her head. I also mentioned she looked pretty happy to see me the other day at work and that was not my imagination.

 

I think maybe the best coarse is to work on myself for a while. She seems in no hurry to make things better with us. Maybe she is just not sure yet. Maybe she never will. Boy this all sucks.

[habs53]

Boy i am so confused. I dont know how much time to not talk to her. The only emotion i got from her was going to her work and touching her. She told me the other day that she does not think she is up to seeing anybody for her depression about her mom. So basically getting no wheres. Im not even sure if she really wanted to leave. Only i could get into a weird breakup like this. Should i go hold her and tell her to give this a second chance or just keep the no contact. Its not like she calls looking for me. But even when we were dating she never called me. It was all me.

[habs53]

Words of encouragement mean nothing.

I see no hope for my marriage or any type of relationship in the future.

I do not like myself at all.

I dont eat.

I have trouble sleeping.

I really need to find an escape to this pain.

I have no where to run.

I find myself turning against my family.

In reality, talking about this makes things worst.

Reading forums makes things worst because that even gives you more feeling there is no hope.

 

My god i am my wife. I think i truly know how she feels. I started taking meds for this and hopefully feel better.

[habs53]

Hey im seeking YouGoGirls advice here. You took a different approach to my situation. I have not talked to my wife in 5 days. In your opinion, is this hurting my situation. Drawing her further apart. It is very discouraging that she has left and normally that means its final. But she is depressed, and i truly believe that i forced her out of the house. I dont think she really wanted to go. I got so many mixed singles from her. Maybe i was wrong about these singles. Im not sure.

 

When do you think i should talk to her again. What should i say to her. She likes to be told how good looking she is. Should i be telling her that i will change and already started?

[You Go Girl]

Hey im seeking YouGoGirls advice here. You took a different approach to my situation. I have not talked to my wife in 5 days. In your opinion, is this hurting my situation. Drawing her further apart. It is very discouraging that she has left and normally that means its final. But she is depressed, and i truly believe that i forced her out of the house. I dont think she really wanted to go. I got so many mixed singles from her. Maybe i was wrong about these singles. Im not sure.

 

When do you think i should talk to her again. What should i say to her. She likes to be told how good looking she is. Should i be telling her that i will change and already started?

 

I'm sorry to see you are in pain, I can feel it reading yesterday's post.

Honestly, I don't know your wife either! What she's really thinking, really feeling, she isn't saying, or is saying in such subtle tones I don't know how anybody could read her.

I'm on your side! If I could magically make your wife see how much you love her, and save your marriage, I'd do it!

How did you force her out of the house? If it's true, then that could be a big problem.

singles? Oh, you mean signals.

5 days is more than long enough. Call her up and tell her that you were thinking about her, and how is she doing?

Then let her talk, if she's willing. Let her talk and talk and talk...! Right now, the best thing you can have her know is that you are really listening to her.

Then ask her how she feels about living alone. Tell her that you really miss your wife--in a confident tone of voice. Don't say I miss you, but say that you miss 'your wife', as if you are telling a friend how much you miss someone who isn't part of the conversation. If there's nothing but a big pause, I'd go on to say, I'd like to ask my wife out to dinner and see her, but I'm not sure how she would respond.

Be prepared for her answer to the question about living alone. It might not go as you want it to.

I can't get inside your wife's head, nor fix her! But I can see clearly how much you obviously love her.

And if you do see her, grab her and plant a big kiss on her again. She didn't slap you last time--so she just might respond to your more alpha side than beta.

And if she slaps you--so what! lol At least you went for it.

[hopesndreams]

Habs, sit tight. Give it more time. Get busy working on you, doing what you enjoy and if/when she wants contact, the space apart will help clear your head to what would be best for you.

[habs53]

Thanks You go, sorry about the singles thing. Not use to typing on a laptop. lol This is a very weird breakup. I dont think she had any intentions of leaving until i got on her about how she felt. Basically drove her nuts. I mean this is a lady that told me she loved me just a few months ago. Now she basically reverses everything back to me. Well i will give it a try and see how it goes.

[habs53]

I'm sorry to see you are in pain, I can feel it reading yesterday's post.

Honestly, I don't know your wife either! What she's really thinking, really feeling, she isn't saying, or is saying in such subtle tones I don't know how anybody could read her.

I'm on your side! If I could magically make your wife see how much you love her, and save your marriage, I'd do it!

How did you force her out of the house? If it's true, then that could be a big problem.

singles? Oh, you mean signals.

5 days is more than long enough. Call her up and tell her that you were thinking about her, and how is she doing?

Then let her talk, if she's willing. Let her talk and talk and talk...! Right now, the best thing you can have her know is that you are really listening to her.

Then ask her how she feels about living alone. Tell her that you really miss your wife--in a confident tone of voice. Don't say I miss you, but say that you miss 'your wife', as if you are telling a friend how much you miss someone who isn't part of the conversation. If there's nothing but a big pause, I'd go on to say, I'd like to ask my wife out to dinner and see her, but I'm not sure how she would respond.

Be prepared for her answer to the question about living alone. It might not go as you want it to.

I can't get inside your wife's head, nor fix her! But I can see clearly how much you obviously love her.

And if you do see her, grab her and plant a big kiss on her again. She didn't slap you last time--so she just might respond to your more alpha side than beta.

And if she slaps you--so what! lol At least you went for it.

 

She would tell me she is doing fine even if she isnt. She has a big shield she has put up. I slowly see signs of her old self. Maybe i should give it a few more days. Basically till i get the nerve up. lol

[hopesndreams]

To put this bluntly, your W does not want, repeat, does not want you sniffing round like a puppy dog. When she is ready, she will let you know. Till then, grab what little dignity and self-esteem you have left and get on with your life.

 

I'm sorry it hurt to read that. I sure as h*ll don't like typing it. You are only making things harder on yourself and prolonging your suffering.

 

She's left you. She's gone. Her choice. Her reasons are not yet clear to you but one day they will be. The one that cares least has all the power.

[habs53]

Yep you nailed it. Just talked to her. She said she has no hope for our future. She will not go to canceling. How can i be so stupid. She just gave up, nothing short of a quitter. She should be ashamed of herself for what she just did to me and her little boy. Guess its time to clearly move on. I cannot believe somebody can do this to someone. Totally unbelievable.

[You Go Girl]

Yep you nailed it. Just talked to her. She said she has no hope for our future. She will not go to canceling. How can i be so stupid. She just gave up, nothing short of a quitter. She should be ashamed of herself for what she just did to me and her little boy. Guess its time to clearly move on. I cannot believe somebody can do this to someone. Totally unbelievable.

 

I was really hoping that this would not be the outcome.

Was she using the depression over her mother's death as an excuse to deflect criticism?

Listen, talk care of yourself. We're all here as shoulders to lean on.

[habs53]

Thank you i appreciate that. I really have no idea if her depression or her mother has anything to do with this. I still believe her depression is ruling her life and i have been dismissed. No closing, nothing. Im so ashamed of her right now. Oh well

[habs53]

After this i will not email her, talk to her .....nothing. I sent this this morning.

 

 

Our conversation last night gave me the comfort to sleep in my own bed without issues. You are a woman that has been with me for 15 years and what you have turned into is something else. You say you do not love your self and you cannot love someone else feeling this way. If that was true, you would not be able to make a marriage ending decision. It would be impossible.

 

Also you talk to a man online that makes you feel better about yourself. This man is so important that you had to lie about it and even continued when your husband asked you to stop. This means that you are capable of having feeling for someone else. So your i dont love myself thing is nothing more than excuse to end our relationship. Im sure you are still having contact with this person.

 

Thats what you want me to do Roy= i feel guilty for what i am doing, take some blame

You say you love me is only because of Adam= i feel guilty take some blame

Yes Roy move on if that is what makes you happy. = same thing

 

I not once got a strait answer from you. Not once. All i heard was we already talked about this, or you dont get it.

 

 

Anyways Claudette, i hope you are happy with your relationship ending attitude. I hope you and Patricia and your internet friend are happy. I will now move on to find a better life and i pray i find a person more honest than my ex wife. I never thought my beautiful wife with the soft voice would be so capable of destroying her marriage and family this easily.

 

At least i can say i tryed and have no quilt.

Have a good life.

[habs53]

Well folks, a little update. I just picked up my son from his moms and he couldnt wait to tell me he thinks she has a boyfriend. He is very upset about this. She was talking to a man for hours everyday on msn and talking live. She would close the app when he walked it. He said it was definately a man and seen the screen once and seen a mans name.

 

I quickly texted my wife and told her that our son does have feelings. It was very thoughtless of her. She then promply text me back and told me it was a girl friend of hers and her son. I then told her to stop lying, and the truth came out very quickly. My son is 10 and is not stupid.

 

You really think you know somebody and i guess you really dont. Funny how somebody can turn into something like this. Its definately not an easy thing to go through.

[habs53]

As the days are passing i have less and less respect for my wife. She is draining me very quickly for anything i have left for her. Now its time to look after me and my son.

 

As of now i am still living in the house and would like to continue doing so. I am not working but get employment insurance. I am considering filing for legal separation. Why stay married to a woman that is cheating with someone else online. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am a firm believer in that.

 

I do live in Canada but im sure the laws are similar everywheres. I guess i would basically have to buy out my share of the house from her. Get a new mortgage. I will probably have to find a new job that pays enough to do this.

 

We have agreed verbably to do 50/50 with my son. Should this be in writing im not sure.

 

Now since she was doing this internet thing before she left, im wondering if i should just file for divorce. I want her to know that im not pleased what she has done and want this over.

 

Any advice?

[hopesndreams]

There are two common myths about divorce in Ontario, Canada: there is no such thing as 'filing for legal separation' - you are legally separated when you and your spouse are 'living separate and apart' (see below). Secondly, there is no such thing as being automatically divorced after so many years of separation - even if you are separated for 50 years, you are still legally married.

 

There are only three grounds for divorce in Canada:

 

1. living 'separate and apart'* for more than one year;

2. adultery (cheating); and

3. mental or physical cruelty.

 

*'Living separate and apart' does not necessarily require 'physical separation' - you can be 'living separate and apart' but share your home for economic reasons, or children, etc. If you are filing for divorce based on separation, you can make the first filing before you have been separated for one year, however the second filing cannot be made until on or after the one year anniversary of 'living separate and apart'.

 

For a divorce in Ontario based on separation, you can file your divorce after your separation begins - however, the divorce cannot be finalized until you have been separated for a full year.

 

The above comes from this site http://www.divorceincanada.ca/

[habs53]

My wife has been gone for a while is now expecting me to do things for her. We have agreed to a 50/50 scedule and she has my son on Saturday. My son was at her apt today and he called me to come and get him. He doesnt like it there. hehe. Anyways she told my Son that he would be going to her house on a differnt day than Saturday because she had a BBQ to go to with her friends. I promply txt her and told her what i was told. I said no way thats my day off and i had plans. She never replyed. Was that the right thing for me to do. Its like she wants her cake and eat it too.

[Gunny376]

Absolutely if you don't set your "bounderies" with her now there will any end.

 

She's not wanting her cake and eat it to? She "bitch-testing' you!