Hi everyone.

[habs53]

Omg i am so confused right now. lol I am sitting home with my child, while my wife is at a bbq maybe with another man. Best of all this was her day with my son. I was nice and changed days.

 

Why would she keep telling me they are only friends now that we are separated. Maybe to keep the door open, i dont know. She anwered the replys so fast that i assume she was sitting by herself.

 

It would make sense for her to be using my boy to get info back to me. Would this man be that ignorante to ask her for a date in front of my son. But then again, maybe she is telling the truth.

 

Well i give up. My head cannot take this. I do not deserve this at all. If this is true, i almost feel sorry for her. What a waste of her life and mine.

[trippi1432]

We'll have to agree to disagree then. I don't think his head IS in the sand. I think he gets the picture but he's just having trouble stepping back - which is totally understandable. It's not easy. Yes, they're married but they're SEPARATED and living apart. It's not like they're under the same roof sleeping together. Hell, people date and even get engaged while they're separated! Just sayin'.

 

Yep!! Mine did....found his soul mate less than 2 weeks after telling me he wanted to try again.

 

BondGirl - I'm interested in knowing more on the son aspect....can you PM yet?

[habs53]

Yes, that's why I think maybe she WAS telling the truth that they were only friends. If they were only friends then what difference would it make if the man asked for a "date" in front of your son? Maybe he said something like "let's go to lunch soon" or something like that. Besides, even if it WERE a date, why wouldn't he say it in front of your son. You're separated. That's the part no one seems to be getting here. You're both free to date if you're separated.

 

What did you mean by "if this is true, I almost feel sorry for her." If what is true?

 

Why can't you stop obsessing about it for now? Do something with your son and leave her be. Like I said, it's your only chance. If she is ever of a mind to come back it won't be by you accusing her and bothering her. Step back..seriously. I kind of liked that "180" stuff people were posting about. Just be civil and nice and business-like with her when you talk to her. Don't bring up what she's doing or not doing.

Well the 180 is the only option anyways. There is no other. God i was doing it so well. Yes, i do here what your saying, from what my son said and her she may be well telling the truth. I will be civil with her as i have no choice. She likes it when im nice to her. Im wondering if she will bring this up on her own. It would not surprise me.

[habs53]

Still the only thing that makes me angry is the movie with my son. That was obviously a message sent to me. Could she be that stupid thinking i would not find that out. No way. Is it possibe that she thought it was ok because they were friends. I dont think so. Obviously this was a planned thing and there is communication between them. What a fool i am.

 

Listen, i want to call her and talk to her. I want to ask her this. I will tell her im glad if she is happy. I just want to know the truth. How can this hurt?

[trippi1432]

Sorry that happened to you trippi. And no, I can't PM yet...too new.

 

Let me know when you can, would like to know your perspective on that issue.

 

If she brings it up on her own just be there to listen. Don't accuse. Don't be passive aggressive. Just be nice. Say things like "it sounds like you're happy" or "hope you had a nice time" etc. You can do this. And of course she likes it when you're nice. What wife wouldn't like that?

 

Hmm, think you have been told that once.......:rolleyes: Now do you believe?

 

Don't worry about changing days with her....and don't worry about what she is doing.

[trippi1432]

Still the only thing that makes me angry is the movie with my son. That was obviously a message sent to me. Could she be that stupid thinking i would not find that out. No way. Is it possibe that she thought it was ok because they were friends. I dont think so. Obviously this was a planned thing and there is communication between them. What a fool i am.

 

Listen, i want to call her and talk to her. I want to ask her this. I will tell her im glad if she is happy. I just want to know the truth. How can this hurt?

 

I know it's hard....very hard not to internalize everything right now. And it can end everything you have been working towards.

 

It's understandable that it hurts...hell, I can barely make it thru 3 pages of a walk-away book without crying my eyes out.....and I'm 10 months out. Calling her up and picking fights will not solve anything.....it will only facilitate validation in her mind that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and facilitate validation in your mind that it's not worth saving.

 

Is that what you really want? Honestly....ask yourself that question.

[habs53]

deleted........

[habs53]

I know it's hard....very hard not to internalize everything right now. And it can end everything you have been working towards.

 

It's understandable that it hurts...hell, I can barely make it thru 3 pages of a walk-away book without crying my eyes out.....and I'm 10 months out. Calling her up and picking fights will not solve anything.....it will only facilitate validation in her mind that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and facilitate validation in your mind that it's not worth saving.

 

Is that what you really want? Honestly....ask yourself that question.

I know, you are always the voice of reason. Honestly i knew the truth would come out. Or maybe its not. Thats the hard part.

 

If she honestly left me for this ugly old guy, i really dont want her. Im no prince charming, but god. I just cannot see her being interested in this person. But who knows.

[habs53]

No i never haha. Anyways, i was debating talking to her about divorse in the next few days. And no, im not over reacting. Allot of save your marriage books recommends this. Tell her i only want to see her happy and i do not want to be with someone who doesnt love me. Well? lol

Edited July 3, 2010 by habs53

[habs53]

Okay, i dont want to drive everybody nuts but i just reread my messages. He asked her if he could call her. Not for a date. She said no, she is not looking for anything like that. She said that she thought he was just being a friendly. Well, i do know that this fellow does show up at there work allot on there smoke breaks. Also i believe this friend of hers lives in her building. She is the sister of the old guy. Maybe she was at her friends place and he happended to be there while she was talking about the movie. Who knows lol. I honestly do not believe she would lie to my son. I really dont.

I thought i made progress being nice to her in the last day or so by doing her this favour. She seemed so happy that i would do this for her. Anyways maybe she can undersand why i was upset.

This is probably the reason that so many marriages cannot be saved. People jumping to conclusions when they may or may not be correct.

Edited July 3, 2010 by habs53

[wrencn]

Habs go low contact starting right now! I switched from 180 to LC and my stress level has fallen tremendously, but the funniest part... My husband is spying on me (computer) and trying to make me jealous and I honestly don't care and feel kinda sad for him lol. Just give it a try. It's all about you and your son. Hang in there.

[habs53]

Habs go low contact starting right now! I switched from 180 to LC and my stress level has fallen tremendously, but the funniest part... My husband is spying on me (computer) and trying to make me jealous and I honestly don't care and feel kinda sad for him lol. Just give it a try. It's all about you and your son. Hang in there.

Hey thanks, i have been doing lc because of our child. I just over reacted today and but a bump in it. A special friend made me feel much better. How do you know he is spying? Do you still live in the same house?

[wrencn]

Hey thanks, i have been doing lc because of our child. I just over reacted today and but a bump in it. A special friend made me feel much better. How do you know he is spying? Do you still live in the same house?

Yes we still live in the same house. I'm computer savvy, I don't think he realizes it- I can tell he's been snooping. I'm not doing anything wrong so it doesn't matter.

[habs53]

You really don't know the truth. You're just speculating. You should stop. Give each other space now.

Thanks Bondgirl, you were great today. Thanks for all the support. I think all yourself advice is great and will be followed.

[whichwayisup]

#1 - Tell your wife NO man should be around your son. He is confused, grieving and getting used to you two not being together. It's very cruel and selfish of her to bring another guy into the picture, let alone go to a movie with him and bring your son. Big no no and that has to stop. My suggestion is, tell your wife she can do whatever she wants but leave your son out of it! Consider HIS feelings and start putting HIM first. She has no idea what goes on inside your son's head. At night, going to bed, his little mind is spinning.

 

Anyway, bottomline is this. You need to decide 100% sooner or later, hopefully sooner that you are DONE with your wife and file for D. Let go and really make an effort to cut yourself out of her life except when it comes to your son. Only speak to her about him and anything else that needs to be discussed as parents. Make it clear to her that she has to do her absolute BEST to shield her son from any other man she happens to date. Don't accuse, just be as matter of fact about it all.

 

Talk to a lawyer. Protect yourself, your kid.

[habs53]

#1 - Tell your wife NO man should be around your son. He is confused, grieving and getting used to you two not being together. It's very cruel and selfish of her to bring another guy into the picture, let alone go to a movie with him and bring your son. Big no no and that has to stop. My suggestion is, tell your wife she can do whatever she wants but leave your son out of it! Consider HIS feelings and start putting HIM first. She has no idea what goes on inside your son's head. At night, going to bed, his little mind is spinning.

 

Anyway, bottomline is this. You need to decide 100% sooner or later, hopefully sooner that you are DONE with your wife and file for D. Let go and really make an effort to cut yourself out of her life except when it comes to your son. Only speak to her about him and anything else that needs to be discussed as parents. Make it clear to her that she has to do her absolute BEST to shield her son from any other man she happens to date. Don't accuse, just be as matter of fact about it all.

 

Talk to a lawyer. Protect yourself, your kid.

I think she pretty much got the point. Im playing it cool now. Yes, i will decide on a point where im done.

[habs53]

Thanks and you're very welcome.

 

By the way, I don't agree with all this stuff about telling your wife to not take her son to the movies with a man. It's not your place. That's HER decision and besides, you don't even know that they're not just friends. I suspect that's all it is and I see nothing wrong with her taking your son to a movie with a friend. Anyway, you'll only piss her off if you bring it up. Was your son upset to go to a movie with his mom and this man? I highly doubt it.

 

Hi, well when all the texting was done last night i think she got the point that i was not happy. As mentioned i replyed to her i was sorry and it was not my business to pry into her personal life and i would not do it again. She replyed it was not personal, she in not dating anyone. Seems she really wants to get that point accross.

 

Anyways, i did over react. I believe she is telling the truth. She could have simply told me she was dating and to live with it.

 

My son was not upset with the movie, he was upset he asked for her phone number. But was happy when she said no. He told me he does not want another mother or father. I explained to him he only has one mom and dad.

[habs53]

Well Habs, things sound ok for now. And yep, my instincts told me she was just friends with the movie guy.

 

This is when I'd back waaaay off and give each other a little space now. Do something fun!

 

Well, i am going to give it a few weeks and may start offering little things again. I was so on the right track and kinda went backwards last night. She was on the verge of opening up i believe. She is a very smart person and actually very forgiving. I hope in the next few days that she sees why i did that and understands.

 

I do not know if i can save this marriage, but this LC does great things for me and i think she was starting to see that. Maybe not but i think she did.

 

I would say if i dont see any signs by maybe August or Sept its time to move on. I would think i would be well prepaired to see other people by then even if she isnt. Oh and yes, she is the jealous type if she admits it or not. It may not be a bad thing. I believe she has been spying on my facebook through my sons acct since i deleted her. Cant be a hundred percent sure but she did add my ex girlfiend to his acct. Why my ex girlfriend sent a request is beyond me. I see no other reason why my wife would accept this is to keep track.

[habs53]

Well, not much has changed. I drop my son off and stuff like that.

For a while now i have been speaking to a nice lady who has been helping me. We do have a connection and i see us getting closer. My son has questioned who i have been talking to and i told him.

I told him her name, and that she does know about him. I explained that we were friends a long time ago and kinda got reconnected. I very gently told him that we are starting to get feelings for each other but are taking it very slowly. I also told him i still have feelings for his mom. I said it is a very confusing time for everyone but he is the most important thing in my life. I would never do anything to hurt him. This lady lives a long ways away and has asked me to come and see her. I told her maybe in Sept if i am up to it. My son was understanding about this, he told me i was a good dad.

 

My only concern is that i know the ex will get this news from him. I did not tell him so she could find out. I just wanted to be honest with him.

[What_Next]

I think you've done the right thing by telling your son. Why be dishonest. It is likely yor STBX will find this out, but I wouldn't let that change your actions one single bit.

 

She is the one that left, never forget that.

 

I wish you continued strength and prosperity.

[habs53]

I think you've done the right thing by telling your son. Why be dishonest. It is likely yor STBX will find this out, but I wouldn't let that change your actions one single bit.

 

She is the one that left, never forget that.

 

I wish you continued strength and prosperity.

Thanks.

I thought everything was going ok with my son. Tonight i was driving him to her work when he seemed very upset. He said he was tired of taking buses to his moms and wants to stay at one place only. I gently told him that it will take time to get use to it. He told me he wants to be home with his friends and me. He said that when he is 13 he will tell a judge this. (he is a smart little boy and knows things) I explained that his mom is trying her best.

Also it appears that his behavior there is not good. He tells her to shut up and all kinds of stuff.

I told him there is nothing daddy can do.

I feel so bad for him. These people that just walk away and think the kids will be ok really need slap.

[habs53]

Well its been almost 2 months since she left. Bad day yesturday, it was my birthday and my son was at her place.

Anyways, i sent her an email today. My home is in a flood zone and apparently the city here wants to buy out the homes instead of fixing the problem. They want our opinions on this matter if we are for or against.

 

In the email, i made her aware of this offer. Told her our son has went through enough pain and do not want more change for him. But i am actually in favor of this proposal. I told her that she must be happy with her dicision and im happy for her. Told her i was just letting her know what was going on.

 

So basically in a nice way, i told her i was moving on. Life is to short.

[whichwayisup]

Happy belated bday.. Sorry your son wasn't with you yesterday, he should have been. Tsk tsk to HER for that.

 

Come to the better side, switch your hockey team to the Leafs. Just trying to make you smile.

 

It sounds like you're making peace with things, even if having a bad day or two (you're allowed!!) just know that you will have better and more positive days.

[habs53]

Happy belated bday.. Sorry your son wasn't with you yesterday, he should have been. Tsk tsk to HER for that.

 

Come to the better side, switch your hockey team to the Leafs. Just trying to make you smile.

 

It sounds like you're making peace with things, even if having a bad day or two (you're allowed!!) just know that you will have better and more positive days.

ewwww never go to the blue side. actually you are right, he should have been. shows her true colors more everyday.

thanks for the nice post

Edited July 18, 2010 by habs53

[whichwayisup]

ewwww never go to the blue side. lol thanks for the nice post

 

Then you and I will be doing some bantering when the best game on earth begins again in the fall.

 

You're welcome.

 

I see you edited your post.. So, yeah, she's a selfish person for not giving him to you on your bday. Don't ever lower yourself to her level, thoughts are OK, but no follow through. Your son will remember this and other things she's done and one day will resent her. You won't have to do anything, he'll learn it on his own by being around her and seeing how selfish she is. Yuck!

Edited July 18, 2010 by whichwayisup