Cold Feet and Divorce

[2sure]

Married 5 years. Serial Infidelity on his part. Multiple D-Days. MC. Rules, promises, etc etc . Finally decided to take my ball and my kid and go home. Divorce becomes final in August (actually looking like it could be sooner). You would think after all of this, I would hate him. I mean, I have a lot of specific anger but I love him so much.

 

I cant believe he did this. I know, without question, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is beyond remorseful. If I'm honest and I only say it here...I dont think he would do it again.

 

But still, I have to leave and hard as it is...I'm doing it. Bought a new home, secured a position, enrolled my daughter in a new school.

 

As it gets closer and more real, I am sick. Sick to my stomach. Severe anxiety. Heartbroken...and feel somehow it is ME that is ruining everything. I cant shake the feeling that I'm making a mistake.

 

But I'm doing it anyway.

 

Is this just cold feet??

[marlena]

Married 5 years. Serial Infidelity on his part. Multiple D-Days. MC. Rules, promises, etc etc . Finally decided to take my ball and my kid and go home. Divorce becomes final in August (actually looking like it could be sooner). You would think after all of this, I would hate him. I mean, I have a lot of specific anger but I love him so much.

 

I cant believe he did this. I know, without question, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is beyond remorseful. If I'm honest and I only say it here...I dont think he would do it again.

 

But still, I have to leave and hard as it is...I'm doing it. Bought a new home, secured a position, enrolled my daughter in a new school.

 

As it gets closer and more real, I am sick. Sick to my stomach. Severe anxiety. Heartbroken...and feel somehow it is ME that is ruining everything. I cant shake the feeling that I'm making a mistake.

 

But I'm doing it anyway.

 

Is this just cold feet??

 

I know the feeling. I had it, too.

 

It's normal to second guess yourself when it concerns something as important as ending a marriage. However, the fact that you have even proceeded thus far in the divorce must mean that you are at some level quite sure that in the long run this is what is best for you and your daughter.

 

Personally, I do not believe a person who has established a pattern of looking for sex outside a marriage will ever change. I have seen it time and time again.

 

I think you are a very admirable woman, strong and intelligent, determined and confident. You really do not need this kind of misery.

 

Everything will be fine and very soon you will see that what you made the right decision.

 

M

[carhill]

Good on ya for taking the steps. Sounds like a healthy path to me. I've had a bit of what you describe emotionally, and have traced it to my grieving who I was as a married man; the person who loved and gave of himself and also made very human mistakes and bad choices and learned from them. Grief over the totality of the process. Letting go.

 

Hope you enjoy your new home and life smiles upon you and your daughter

[IfWishesWereHorses]

A girlfriend just commented on a friend of hers in a similar situation who "finally" after repeated attempts at D then reconciliation, divorced and started her life over with her children. She said that she saw her and couldn't for the life figure out what was different. Said, did you color your hair, loose weight, something is different. The friend told her that she had finally divorced several months ago. She looked years younger.

 

I applaud you 2sure, for taking the situation that was chosen for you and gaining control of it and doing what you feel is best for you and your D. This isn't a rash decision you made, it certainly isn't an easy decision. I can imagine the sadness you must feel. I hope it will be replaced with peace and happiness soon enough. Best of luck to you.

 

I also don't believe that serial cheaters ever change.

[2sure]

I'm putting one foot in front of the other. But really, I feel like its wrong. I mean, I'm doing it, I'm committed to this course. I wont let my feelings interfere with what I think is best. Its just...I wish it were him. I wish it was him pulling the trigger maybe.

 

I am not confiding much to anyone in real life, so to some I seem like the shrew. He has always been Mr. Squeaky outwardly. Ive had a more colorful life. But its not that. I dont care much what others think.

 

Its just a gut thing. I'm ignoring it because obviously my judgement is not that great. I just dont want to be wrong anymore

 

Hard.

[carhill]

You're divorcing a serial cheater. You're choosing and have taken steps to live alone and not rely on the validation of men. You're discharging your motherly duties with maturity. Yep, a lot to hate

 

It'll all work out. You watch

[marlena]

Its just a gut thing. I'm ignoring it because obviously my judgement is not that great. I just dont want to be wrong anymore

 

Hard.

 

Of course, it is your gut. Sadness, fear, uncertainty are all gut feelings. Like Carhill said, you do have to mourn the loss of everything you hoped for, strived for, attained and lost. However, I do not think this gut feeling is your logic or better judgement. You would never have taken such drastic steps towards finalizing things if it were. Deciding to break away was your better judgement. I am sure that one day you will see this. It's hard but it does get easier.

 

When I left my husband, I was still very much in love with him. But I knew I had to leave him both for my sake and my daughter's. I wasn't wrong. He continued to have affairs even after he re-married. This is the life-style he likes.

 

Twenty years later and nothing has changed. This is how he will remain 'til his last dying breath.

 

Some people are just made like this. It's hard to accept but it's true.

Edited May 21, 2010 by marlena

[2sure]

Wow. Thanks everyone. I have been feeling like this for maybe 2 weeks. Not sleeping, the whole nine yards. I think I really needed to say it.

 

The last part of everything that I'm struggling with , the frustration is...

 

Its all just so very unnecessary. So freaking stupid. We had it all, by nearly any standards. I was a really really good wife.

[2sure]

And I can take that with me...the knowledge that I CAN do it, I CAN be a good partner. I just wanted it to be with him.

 

So yeah. I bought a big big house as an income property. Its been converted to several units (an old victorian) and my D and I will be living in the servants quarters! All good there. It is in my hometown, we are leaving NYC. I will continue as I have been, covering NY state with my job..so have enrolled her in an excellent school in the hometown, that has boarding. She will come home when I am in town. The job is good, still in the political field though...but its all I know.

[marlena]

 

Its all just so very unnecessary. So freaking stupid. We had it all, by nearly any standards. I was a really really good wife.

 

You know, this is what I used to think as well. I was a good wife, a passionate lover, a devoted mother, accomplished, pretty, fun-loving, I had it all. So, why did he constantly need other women? Whatever the answer was, it had nothing to do with me. This is who he was. Some people just can't be monogamous. Sometimes it is as simple as that. I had two choices: either I accepted him the way he was or I said my goodbyes and started over. I chose the second and have not regretted it a moment in my life.

 

You know, 2sure, there are women who can live with this kind of thing and not bat an eyelash. If it was making you miserable, then, have no doubt, you did what was best for you and your daughter.

[2sure]

I know, its true. I know women who live like that. In a previous life, before I met him, I almost married a man I did not love because he had everything else I wanted. But I didnt , I picked this one because I loved him truly. I originally thought if I loved him less...I could placate myself with the lifestyle our marriage afforded me. But no, its not him I would need to love less...it would be me. I'm not going to do that, I cant, I have a daughter. If nothing else I can do for her, what I cannot do for myself.

 

Just F*ck, you know?

[marlena]

. But no, its not him I would need to love less...it would be me. I'm not going to do that, I cant, I have a daughter. If nothing else I can do for her, what I cannot do for myself.

 

Just F*ck, you know?

 

Yeah, I know.... it does but what can you do? I also left for my daughter. In fact, she was my overriding concern. It'll be OK, 2sure. You have what it takes to come out a winner. I know you do. Hang in there.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

How ironic. Your screen name is "2sure;" but oviously you aren't too sure at this moment.

 

I am going to go against the grain and suggest that you should reconsider. No, not just going back to the way things were... After all you know you are completly able to stand on your own two feet now, any relationship with him is completely optional and not necessary.... He is of course your husband and father to the daughter you share. In the same paragraph I could say how if you were my own sister, and I knew all the crap he put you through I would say "leave the bastard and take him for every penny you can..."

 

But after all we are all human. We all are capable of making mistakes. We can all improve and change and mature.

 

So, I am truly left wondering. Why would you say (even if just here) that you don't think he would do it again? And did you feel this way when he was caught and remorseful in the past?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But no, its not him I would need to love less...it would be me.

***SIGH*** This is so true. Its the trump. Its why staying, even for the children is so frigging hard to live with. Even when you DON'T care what he does or if he continues his cheating ways. You still have to accept that you are accepting less than anyone deserves and that you are with a man who actually expects that from you... That you will love yourself so little, so that he can love himself so much. :sick: Some days it really is much easier than others.

 

I'm really proud of you 2sure.

[marlena]

That you will love yourself so little, so that he can love himself so much.

I'm really proud of you 2sure.

 

Yes, that's the horrible thing. You wind up hating yourself for loving yourself so little...or not at all.

[trippi1432]

My father stayed until I was 12....yes, some people don't get the luxury of their parent choosing to stay to that age....my real grandmother "stayed" until she saw her son graduate from high school (and he failed the 12th grade twice just to keep her around)....she died on his graduation night...just wanted to see him in his cap and gown.

 

We don't control how long our parents are going to be a part of our lives. As children, do any of you think we control anything at all? We all wish we could reconcile at some point...heck, I even thought about it today...talked about it in group with one of my friends...then I caught him on the phone today and realized him for the selfish toad that I stupidly kissed 15 years ago.....the more men I meet, the more I love my dog. F'ing posers...all of them.

[carhill]

F'ing posers...all of them.

 

TBH, I tend to agree with you. It's a real painful commentary when experience causes one to give up on 1/2 the world in such a manner.

 

I hope 2sure finds a path that the exception to that commentary is walking and shares it. She deserves that.

[hopesndreams]

Married 5 years. Serial Infidelity on his part. Multiple D-Days. MC. Rules, promises, etc etc . Finally decided to take my ball and my kid and go home. Divorce becomes final in August (actually looking like it could be sooner). You would think after all of this, I would hate him. I mean, I have a lot of specific anger but I love him so much.

 

I cant believe he did this. I know, without question, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he is beyond remorseful. If I'm honest and I only say it here...I dont think he would do it again.

 

But still, I have to leave and hard as it is...I'm doing it. Bought a new home, secured a position, enrolled my daughter in a new school.

 

As it gets closer and more real, I am sick. Sick to my stomach. Severe anxiety. Heartbroken...and feel somehow it is ME that is ruining everything. I cant shake the feeling that I'm making a mistake.

 

But I'm doing it anyway.

 

Is this just cold feet??

 

I am happy for you and it's about blo*dy time!!

 

If I'm honest and I only say it here...I dont think he would do it again.

 

Fantasy.

 

but I love him so much.

 

Yes, and it won't leave you any time soon, but loving yourself and your daughter, comes first.

 

I cant shake the feeling that I'm making a mistake.

 

 

The only mistake was being with him as long as you have. You are doing the right thing, the only thing.

 

New home, new school for your daughter, D in August. Good for you.

[You Go Girl]

Look at it this way, 2sure...

 

If your man really becomes your personal knight in shining armour and has done an about face with his philandering ways, then the divorce paper won't make a difference.

He will simply love you and be at your beck and call for all of eternity.

A piece of paper didn't keep him loyal, another piece of paper isn't going to destroy love (if it's real).

So...keep blazing your trail. Because there's one path that you have to go on--and that's your path to stability, honesty, dedication, and success for you and your D.

Everybody else, including stbx, is icing on the cake when they come through for you, but you're going to make sure that cake tastes wonderful even if there's no icing at all.

That's a person you can count on. YOU.

So you have nothing to lose from divorcing him. There's no risk here. If he's become Mr. Wonderful, blind to all others, then he'll be coming around for years to come to prove it, even with those divorce papers long signed.

In the meantime, you have important work to do. That's being comfortable being you, and alone, happy, not depressed, and definitely not UNSURE.

 

I'm fearful though of one thing...that you are illusioned that he's not out there getting some right now.

[stepka]

....the more men I meet, the more I love my dog.

Too, too funny but I'm going to hold on to my faith that there are some good men out there. Well I always was an idealist.

 

2sure, your feelings are a well known psychological phenomenon called post-decision dissonance. A short explanation:

Post-Decision Dissonance:

 

Dissonance after making a difficult decision.

Example: “buyer’s remorse.”

Factors that increase dissonance:

Importance of decision.

Difficulty of decision.

Irreversibility of decision.

Application: Counteracting buyer’s remorse.

 

Usually this comes when both decisions seem to have equal weight, but in this case they really don't--you only perceive that they do. You say that you're sure he won't do it again, but he has done it several times, so what makes you sure? His remorse? I have no doubt that his remorse is real--as real as that of a wife-beater. They mean it when they say it, but what do they do when the opportunity arises again?

 

Yes, no doubt he loves you, but can you live with his sleeping around? That's the part that has to go into this decision. So, your two decisions are this:

Marriage with adulterous hubby or divorce with possibility of new love who won't go out on you. Now they're not so equally weighted.

[2sure]

Thank you for the buyer's remorse notes. Spot on.

I'm continuing to go forward , its just so difficult because even with things in place...I dont have a VISUAL in my head of life without him. It makes the future seem so precarious.

 

Regarding cheating on me again. I know he would if I stayed. The reason I know this is because my leaving is the only consequence that will make him change. Its hard I suppose because I know he can & will change. I wish it was not my job to part of this particular lesson.

[JustJoe]

Well, 2sure, I haven't always agreed with you in the past, but I very much agree with your current actions (not that my approval matters much:)) regarding taking your and your Daughter's life and future into your own hands. You will find that ANY great change is always accompanied by anxiety and fear. Even when it's a no-brainer situation like yours. Your H will NEVER be faithful , if you stay, so if you are unable to live with years of future bad treatment, it's time to pull the plug. Once you are settled, and have established a routine, you will probably have many more good days than bad, and who knows? Maybe a new man is out there waiting for a classy woman like you? You , at least , will know how a real relationship is supposed to work, right? Good Luck !!

[2sure]

You know what, I swear this time I'm done. I dont want a partner anymore. I do not want to become one of those women who are bitter, i want to continue to enjoy men...but I mean, whoa. I feel like Ive had a lifetime of enough already.

 

I mean, I'm bitter now yeah sure I know. But I assume it will pass..Im sort of an optimistic stoic and always have been. This is the worst though, I guess maybe its my age? Last weekend, and this is AWFUL, I know...I couldnt sleep over my behavior:

 

I went out for a drink by myself in a quiet bar, saw a guy looking. I went to the ladies room and when I returned he was in the seat next to mine.

I sat down and not even looking at him said: I have nothing, absolutely nothing to offer.

 

On a lighter note: If anyone ever wanted a line to deter the opposite sex...that worked silently and immediately.

[JustJoe]

2sure, regaining one's seat in the saddle is imperative to future rides, so to speak. Once you get out from under these doubts, you will find that you will have a whole f**king lot to offer, and men WILL notice the change. BTW, I don't know what you look like, but you sure talk attractive.:laugh:

[2sure]

No, I'm average. For some reason people just mistake me for attractive and intelligent.