I would like some more weapons to kill obsessive thoughts when they sometimes pop up

[Thinkalot]

OK..most of you know my situation re the obsessing about bf's past/insecurity self esteem stuff I am overcoming so I won't bother going into the whole thing again.

 

As per my most recent post, things are going along very well..with big improvements in me, and in our relationship

 

However, I am very committed to continuing to get TOTALLY better and therefore thought I would post this.

 

There's just a few little nagging thoughts that repeatedly come up for me, and which can be triggered by many things! As I have expressed before, I am usually OK now, when I am hanging out alone, or at work, yet when I am with my partner, little things can still trigger uncomfortable thoughts.

 

I thought you very wise and helpful Lshackers might be able to once again hit me with some good ammo for shooting these thoughts down once and for all!! All reinforcement helps, whether it comes from my own rational mind, books, my family, my bf or your collective rational minds!

 

I will say at the start, the following are not rational thoughts, and my partner has repeatedly assured me he is the happiest he's ever been in a relationship.

 

1) The fear that he was happier before, because he lived somewhere younger, busier, more vibrant, with more infrastructure, surfing mates, better surf, and a big circle of friends with whom he and the ex socialised often. Also they had more disposable income, because they were not saving as hard as we are for things like house deposit, and of course, our planned year long "around australia trip".

 

IN contrast, we live in a small town full of "oldies", surf isn't as good here, we don't have any young friends in this town, so we just hang with each other mostly, unless visiting our families, who also live nearby, or when travelling to see friends on the way to a holiday etc Bf has said this stuff doesn't bother him, as he is not a big socialiser anyway....he is also loves our current plans (rational Thinkalot knows this!!)

 

2) The longevity of his relationship with the ex and shared history- they went to highschool together, lost their virginity together in highschool, went to uni together, did the same course, lived together, then got engaged, got married, had a honeymoon (when panicking, I think :so many "firsts" which will now be "seconds" for him with me), and stayed married for 6 years. Their families were friends, they were friends with each others families...etc

 

In contrast, we met when I was 28 and he was 29, we have very different backgrounds, we know each others families and get on, but we aren't SUPER close, and our families don't really know each other. He also says this doesn't matter to him

 

I did say these things were NOT rational...they just get stuck...then I deal with them rationally...then they come back up...then I deal with them...I just want some more words on hand to help me deal with them even more quickly and effectively! Quite honestly, they are not things which are bothering me AT THIS MOMENT, and if I was responding to this, I could do so, with a range of reasons why the poster should not worry and has nothing to fear.

 

If I can impose on you guys though, I would like to hear the rebuttal to my thoughts, in YOUR words, so I can add them to my own, the next time these things crop up (luckily, now happening MUCH less )

 

Thank you all.

[moimeme]

"He does not believe this; I am putting thoughts in his mind"

"I am doing this to torture myself"

"In thinking this, I am not showing any trust in him or in what he tells me"

"I will NOT be controlled by these thoughts; I will take back my brain"

 

How's about those?

[Arabess]

When I get thoughts I refuse to 'entertain'.....I HUM thru them.....

 

My own lack of intelligent response then makes me laugh.....and I forget what I was thinking about.

[Thinkalot]

LOL! Thank you for your patience and replies...I shall add these techniques/words to my arsenal!

[Venéa]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

(when panicking, I think :so many "firsts" which will now be "seconds" for him with me)

 

One of my worst feelings lol. His first love, I've felt this. The first:- went to high school together, families knew each other, had the same friends and interests, lost their virginity to each other, she was pregnant with his child, but due to circumstances had an abortion (without telling him!!!). I definitely think that when/if we ever choose to have children, they will never be his 'first' as he talks about the baby quite alot (this doesn't upset me, I do feel for him - no parent should have to go through that). But then I have to stop and think I'm being ridiculous, of course things will be different if that happened - he's a different person now and he would never think 'bitterly' of his child (see how stupid I sound even thinking that lol). (Note Thinkalot: This ex isn't the ex I've been talking about...go figure).

 

Anyway, that ramble was just to point out that (once again) I understand what you're saying and why you think it.

 

Moi - lovely things to say. My personal favourite is just "Stop worrying over nothing. I KNOW it's all in my head so I should just stop it. Right now." Normally works (except recently lol)

 

Arabess I LOVE that. Am going to try that right away.