Is French kissing cheating?

[former_f4_wso]

I have a company that I started with my wife. We have been married for 18 years, known each other for 22 and have 2 young boys. We started the company about 9 years ago and have 18 employees. She works in sales and business development and I am the CEO and do other things. An employee from another company that we are trying to better relations with suggested they meet after work for a few drinks and discuss business. My wife has never been on such a meeting at night without me present. They went to a small local pub and at about 3 hours into the meeting my wife called me to say things were fine and they were still talking. At 11pm I became worried and called her cell again and there was no answer. I trusted my wife since in all the years we have been married she never swayed an inch. Things were going well I thought in our relationship. We had great sex and all was fine.

 

After about 2 minutes she called me back to say she was getting rid of him. I did not understand but she was really drunk and had ended up driving herself and the business associate back to our office where his car was parked. Neither should have been driving. I came and got her and drove her home. When I got in the car they were in the passenger seat was down (reclined back) and I knew something was up.

 

I the morning when she sobered up a bit she told me everything. I had to pry the information out but she was honest. What happened was they both got drunk in the bar. He moved to a booth and sat next to her and started putting his hands down her pants, feeling her up, and French kissing her. They were kissing so much that the manager told them to go get a hotel. My wife told the guy no way. She drove back to the office and he decided to kiss some more. She obliged. She was definitely drunk but had the sense to stop and not do what the guy wanted which was oral sex or a hand job (he even exposed himself in the car and tried to force her to give him one).

 

My dilemma was that none of this was in my wife’s nature. She claims she should have stopped things before the kissing. I agree and that is what I can not handle. Looking back we did have a real problem in our marriage. We stopped kissing on the lips about 2 years ago. Why, I do not really know. I feel bad and she does to. The guy was a pro but also married and had no business doing what he did. I am having trouble with why my wife kissed him so passionately for so long. It is tearing me up inside because I think kissing can be more intimate than sex. What is wrong with me and why would my wife who has been so innocent and good all these years do this. OK so there was a lot of alcohol involved and she was drunker than she has been in a long time. Years. Should I take comfort in that? She loves me and we have had great make-up sex and are now kissing again, so thing are better but I am still having a hard time getting over the thoughts in my head of them kissing passionately. I also would like to beat the crap out of this guy and have already emailed his wife and his bosses about how he represented his company.

[dyermaker]

I've said this before, but I'll hold onto it as good wisdom:

 

Cheating is not about penetration, it's about trust bonds being broken.

 

If you trust that your wife was taken advantage of, and she didn't play an active role in it (which it sounds like she did) then it's not cheating. But you have every right to feel pain that your wife was intimate with another man.

 

Cheating is just semantics, forget about it. Whatever happened, do you think your relationship is on it's way up? or is it on its way down?

[Arabess]

Originally posted by former_f4_wso

because I think kissing can be more intimate than sex.

 

I thought I was the ONLY one who felt like that!!!!

 

She was drunk.....he was all savvy....and **** happened.

 

I wouldn't give up a marriage due to one egotistical lothario coming on to your wife. I would talk about it with her till you have BOTH had a chance to talk out your feelings. Then.....I would let it go.

 

If a marriage ever ends....I don't think it's a third parties fault. I think it was heading downhill anyway and a third party is only the excuse.

 

 

If you can work it out beyond that...then hold on to what you've got and try to patch up the problems.

[XNemesisX]

-Oh how I feel your pain..even went through with it once sad to say....an ex cheated on me with this girl and I royally beat the sh#t out of her...given I was only 17 at the time but still...even as I am older and wiser now I still get that urge...sometimes you want to blame that third party...and yes I still believe that they posess some of the blame too, for even putting that temptation up for the grabbing and making it possible for the S.O. to cheat. But it does take two to tango as the saying goes.

 

I personally feel that even though the relationship may have its rocky moments its not really about a lack of love because I do feel that people cheat on the ones they lovel; rather, I believe its more of a morality thing. Or a lack of self-control issue.

 

Maybe this isn't worth losing your marriage for. Maybe it is. Being drunk is never an excuse. I have had the drunken excuse laid on me thick in the past and I don't buy it.

 

However, I have never been married for as long as you have (haven't been married at all) and perhaps it is forgivable if she seems genuine and sincere in her apologies.

 

BUT yes I do think french kissing is cheating and I do think it can be more intimate than sex and just as hurtful. I guess the big question is whether or not you can fully trust her now and whether or not the mental image of her making out hard core with this guy is going to haunt you and drive you crazy. If not, then maybe you can make amends; if so, you can go the revenge tactic route, you make out with someone - and make her have to deal with jealousy too ( so at least you both can suffer with the mental movies together) or tell her adios

[XNemesisX]

As for the third party being easily blamed...

-I couldn't agree more with Arabess...

 

 

On how you feel like beating up the guy....

-Oh how I feel your pain..even went through with it once sad to say....an ex cheated on me with this girl and I royally beat the sh#t out of her...given I was only 17 at the time but still...even as I am older and wiser now I still get that urge...sometimes you want to blame that third party...and yes I still believe that they posess some of the blame too, for even putting that temptation up for the grabbing and making it possible for the S.O. to cheat. But it does take two to tango as the saying goes.

 

I personally feel that even though the relationship may have its rocky moments its not really about a lack of love because I do feel that people cheat on the ones they lovel; rather, I believe its more of a morality thing. Or a lack of self-control issue.

 

Maybe this isn't worth losing your marriage for. Maybe it is. Being drunk is never an excuse. I have had the drunken excuse laid on me thick in the past and I don't buy it.

 

However, I have never been married for as long as you have (haven't been married at all) and perhaps it is forgivable if she seems genuine and sincere in her apologies.

 

BUT yes I do think french kissing is cheating and I do think it can be more intimate than sex and just as hurtful. I guess the big question is whether or not you can fully trust her now and whether or not the mental image of her making out hard core with this guy is going to haunt you and drive you crazy. If not, then maybe you can make amends; if so, you can go the revenge tactic route, you make out with someone - and make her have to deal with jealousy too ( so at least you both can suffer with the mental movies together) or tell her adios.

[former_f4_wso]

Dyermaker wrote: "Whatever happened, do you think your relationship is on it's way up? or is it on its way down?"

 

That is an excellent question. I think we will eventually have a stronger marriage. I have challenged myself to write down 10 things I can do to be a better person and husband. I asked my wife to do the same. She has agreed to stop drinking, though she never was really a heavy drinker. But I need closure and something inside me is eating me up. This all happened about 3 days ago. I am not over the shock. Maybe in a few weeks or months all will be better and I will be over it. A happy union is not one of perfect partners, but the triumph of love over imperfections. I discovered a new imperfection that is now fixed, hopefully. I deeply love my wife. I can forgive her. Maybe it is forgiving myself I will have the most trouble with. You can take from this what you want as to "on it's way up? or is it on its way down"

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

if so, you can go the revenge tactic route, you make out with someone - and make her have to deal with jealousy too ( so at least you both can suffer with the mental movies together)

 

This is quite possibly the worst advice I've ever heard.

 

If you want out, do it like an adult. Behaving like a five year old doesn't make the pain hurt less.

[XNemesisX]

sorry this is up twice...I don't know how that managed to happen! I was editing the first one and then suddenly a second one appeared and it wouldn't let me delete the first one! blah!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by former_f4_wso

A happy union is not one of perfect partners, but the triumph of love over imperfections.

 

Beautifully said, if anyone can work through this, it's you. I apologize for being naive enough to think that "on it's way up/down" was even appropriate for the situation, things aren't black and white. The only explicit determinant is either you can work through it, or you cannot.

 

May your love triumph.

[XNemesisX]

Dyer-

 

Yeah it may seem like horrible advice..and it may in fact be...

 

BUT

 

It does make you feel better!

 

Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine. Also, often times people that cheat only confess to make their own self feel better not to really help their "victim." Some people need to experience things from the "victims perspective" to really understand how bad THEIR actions can hurt others. Maybe it will make them less likely to go that route again.

 

"Whats good for the goose is good for the gander."

 

It was just an option.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

Dyer-

 

Yeah it may seem like horrible advice..and it may in fact be...

 

BUT

 

It does make you feel better!

When I said it was horrible advice, I hope you know it was the advice that upset me, not you. I didn't mean to be as rude as perhaps I was. But I maintain that it's not a good idea. The truth is, it does not make you feel better at all. Inflicting pain on others never truly adresses pain inflicted on you. It seems like it would help, but until you've realized the emotional emptiness of revenge, you'll never know how untrue that is.

Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.

This is a good way to teach a child discipline, but your role as a partner is not to instill such discipline. People never respond positively to their own medicine. Giving them a taste will, at best, make them vomit.

Also, often times people that cheat only confess to make their own self feel better not to really help their "victim." Some people need to experience things from the "victims perspective" to really understand how bad THEIR actions can hurt others. Maybe it will make them less likely to go that route again.

These are not the cheaters who come to their SO the very next day. She was contrite and remorseful. Cheating is wrong, under any circumstances. Two wrongs will not make it right. You no longer have leverage if you behave like such a child.

 

If the goose hurts the gander, their relationship won't be helped if the gander decides to goose around on the goose simply to teach her a lesson.