Snubbed has this happened to you?

[BettyBoo]

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I would appreciate any comments you have to make on my situation.

 

I have been dating a man for the last year and we plan to marry when his divorce comes through. He has been separated for the last 5 years. I have met his children (all adults) and I have had them over at Christmas including his eldest sons's fiance. All was well until His eldest son told his father he was getting married but I was not invited to the wedding. I felt very hurt as I had been very inclusive of them. I felt I was being treated like I was his 'other woman' which is not the case. I told my boyfriend I was very unhappy about it and asked him to find out the reasons why. He was told that neither of their fathers current partners were being invited. His son's fiance's parents are divorced years and he has a new partner. I felt this is very hypocritical to refuse to accept the their parents have new partners and that their decision was very manipulative and childish.

 

Has any one an opinion or have you being in a similar position. It has really shocked me and made me take stock of what I am getting myself into. I love my boyfriend very much but this has put a strain between us.

[midori]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear of your problem, and I can definitely see why your feelings have been hurt by this. I'm of two minds:

 

On the one hand, I agree with you that it's rather unrealistic to deny that the fathers have new partners. The originial marriages are dead and over, so what's with the pretense? Are they going to pretend that their parents are back together, at least for the happy day?

 

On the other hand, I know that weddings can be incredibly emotional and tense times. A lot of stuff comes out, stuff that doesn't necessarily have to do with anything immediately relevant to the occasion. What are the mothers of the bride and groom doing these days? Are they still single (or is just one of them still single)? That could be a very big deal. It could be that your bf's son's fiancee's mother is bitter about the divorce and still single. It could be that inviting her ex-husband's current partner would create a lot of resentment. That might be why you're being excluded, by default almost, because they had to come up with a ruling about current partners so that no one was being singled out.

 

Think about it: who would sit where? What about photographs, etc? Yes, it's true that if everyone acted like grown-ups these things could be negotiated with a minimum of effort and friction. But that might be asking too much. The thing to bear in mind is that it may very well not be your bf's son and fiancee who are being difficult. The difficulties may lie elsewhere, and the bride and groom have had to make choices about how to accommodate different agendas.

 

After the bride and groom (and sometimes even before the groom!) the most "important" people at a wedding are the mothers. That's just the way it is. It's a big deal, a very important day in the lives of their children. If old wounds haven't healed, it's likely that issues will be resolved in their favor on that particular day. There's nothing to be done about it, except to recognize that it likely has little to do with you specifically. I would think that this is a time to be gracious and generous. Don't let this become an issue. If on other occasions you've felt that your boyfriend's son has been friendly and welcoming to you, that's probably how he really feels. Weddings can be very political.

 

I think you should express your hurt feelings to your boyfriend, so that he knows how this has affected you. He might be able to shed some light on the reasons behind the decision to exclude you and the other dad's partner. But even if not, at least he'll know that even though you're not making a fuss, you're a bit hurt and there's some fence-mending to do.

 

Let your bf know. And then don't bring it up again. Make some really excellent plans for yourself that day -- with some girlfriends or by yourself. Go to a day-spa. Go to an interesting museum exhibition that you normally wouldn't take the time to do. Go to a concert. Make it a special day for yourself. Of course you shouldn't be a doormat and accept a snub without a peep. But it's a difficult family event, and if you're understanding and gracious about it, I'm sure you'll be appreciated by those who matter.

[Arabess]

I could understand if his son was a 'child'....but good grief....he's an adult!

 

Maybe he just wanted to avoid any confrontations between his mother and you. I guess that would be somewhat understandable.....depending on how she feels about you.

 

Send a nice gift and card.....and let it go. Don't let this come between you and your boyfriend....it wasn't HIS choice and it's not worth making a problem out of it.

[BettyBoo]

Thanks for the replying. I know they are other factors but I do not believe in carrying over issues into new relationships. I think this girl is still angry at her own parents splitting up many years ago and is dumping that on everyone. I do not feel that I want my relationships to be contaminated by what has happened in the past. We have a very healthy relationship however I do feel that my b/f needs to make a clear stand and let them know my role in his life. I really do think it is bad etiquette. Of course I am a mature understanding adult woman and yet I refuse to allow myself to pay the price for other people not being able to sort their own mess out. I have no baggage in that regard all my issues have being dealt with and my ex husband and his new partner have been invited to my children's major events (graduation etc). My b/f has been included in all of these as well at my children's request. I am sure their is a way around this. I know I can do plenty of things on the day I have a busy lifestyle but I don't think this is the issue.

 

Sometimes you have to make your mark and not allow other people to undermine your relationship.

[Arabess]

Sorry....picked up it was a son...not a daughter.

 

I really wouldn't feel it was undermining the relationship. She just made a call. It probably isn't as directed to you 'personally' as it is to what you 'represent' in her mom-dad fantasy world.

 

If you make it an issue....then she succeeded in causing problems. If you let it go.....you've stole her thunder.

[BettyBoo]

Yes it is his son getting married but apparently it is the son's fiance who does not want the parents new partners invited. I feel the issue lies in some way with her own past experience of her parents break up.....

 

I couldn't agree more with your quote!!!!!

[midori]

Unfortunately it's not your wedding. It's hers. And if this is what she'll be comfortable with then I do think your best bet is to voice your displeasure to your bf and let the matter drop. Do you want to attend a wedding where you know your presence will not be welcomed by the bride? Is the principle of the matter so important that you'd foist yourself on her wedding day?

 

Given that the discomfort with parents' new partners comes from the fiancee and not your bf's son, I think you can at least take comfort in knowing that your exclusion has nothing to do with you personally. It's that there's no way you could be invited while her father's new partner (the person to whom she really objects) is uninvited.

 

Yes, this is bad etiquette. But it's a brave new world and the old etiquette rules aren't always adequate to the task of addressing modern familial situations. I think that letting your bf know of your displeasure is the right thing to do, and he should convey that to his son as well. Actually I rather hope he has let his son know anyway, because he himself is annoyed to have his life dictated by his future daughter-in-law's sensitivity.

 

Look on the bright side: no one can possibly expect you to lift a finger to help with wedding preparations. And perhaps your bf should bow out of that as well. If his role in this wedding is to attend as the Father of the Groom Who Hasn't Got a Life Beyond That, well then he can show up suitably attired, sit through the niceties and be happy for his son, and nothing more. No hand with errands or last minute crises, no picking up random guests from train stations, no putting up wedding guests who need accommodations, no chipping in to cover expenses. If it's not an event he has a say in then he shouldn't feel obliged to assist; he can go on-stage, say the appropriate lines, shake some hands, and then get back to his real life, which most certainly involves you. He can put it to his son that way. It should be voiced as your boyfriend's own irritation about the situation -- which is of course accompanied by yours.

 

I think it sucks and I think the bride is being unreasonably childish. But if you raise a fuss about this and demand to be included, I would be willing to bet that, rightly or wrongly, you will be made the villainess of the situation. As it is, the bride will probably come to feel embarrassed about her childish lack of generosity. She's not setting a good precedent with her future husband's family.

[cdn]

Midori is spot on. This isn't about you or even about your bf's relationship with you as it relates to his family. It's about the bride-to-be. And she's not trying to undermine your relationship with your bf; she just hasn't worked through some issues in her own life. Don't allow them to mar your relationship with your bf.

 

Yes, by all means, tell your bf that you thik she is being unreasonable if this is something you need to do. And then drop it. There is nothing you will gain by making an issue of it and there is no course of action for your bf to take that can both make you feel better and not damage your future relationship with the newly married couple. And that will do far more harm in the long run.

[BettyBoo]

Yes you are right. I have no intention of allowing her or indeed his son after all my b/f has yet to speak to them both and also to his ex about why I was not included. So who know's whats behind it. I suppose it's just the hurt and rejection and I acknowledge my own feeling in this. I think if any one else is reading this please let everyone sort out their own issues before projecting them onto other people. It's a tough enough world to live in and I have a very positive outlook and I am a very inclusive person but it annoys me how some people do not process their own emotional problems but instead inflict them on other people.

 

Let's all think about how we treat people before we make stupid decisions. At the end of the day we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and I am a great believer in what goes around comes around.

 

Thanks for all your input.

[Fritz]

As a son who will undoubtedly have to deal with something like this when or if I ever get married I can understand if the bride has some apprehension about having to deal with her parent's new significant others, especially if one parent is still bitter etc.. Its can be a very uncomfortable situation (One reason I avoided going to my University grad. ceremony was because of my parent's new partners) but its still rather childish on her part though. Some people have a hard part letting go, moving on I guess. Of course there are those of us who aren't too keen on the choice one's parent made in a new partner either.

[BettyBoo]

I am sorry the you did not go to your Graduation cermony because of issues in your family. I think new partners/old partners have a duty and responsibility to sort out their mess away from their kids. When children find themselves in a situation where thay are avoiding occassions whichh involve their parents and their new partners then this is a opportune time for parents to take stock and sort out their mess and act like mature adults.

 

I think issues being carried on by the children which is evident in my situation highlights the need for parents to act with the best interest of the child.as a priority. Bitterness, hatred and jealousy destroys lives and in my own situation I wonder where these projections will all stop. What will happen when they have a baby? WHo gets invited to the Christening? Will all of her family's problems prevail and take over the goodwill of everyone else?

Just some thoughts!!!

[midori]

Seeing as your bf has yet to discuss what's behind this decision with his son, perhaps when he does he might point out that the fiancee's problems with her side of the family vis a vis parents' new partners should not be allowed to put a strain on relationships on his side of the family. If the son has no problem with you and his mother's current partner (if she has one) attending his wedding, he might want to consider that he's jeopardizing his relationship with his father's partner (and possibly mother's partner) for what amounts to no good reason.

 

I think it is sometimes too much to ask that people put things behind them. If you don't know the circumstances of the fiancee's family, then you can't really judge whether she's being unreasonable in wanting to exclude her father's current partner. What if, ten years ago or however long ago they divorced, her father left her mother for another woman -- the woman he's currently with? What if the kids and abandoned mother suffered hardships as a result?

 

I would take a position that is neutral about the fiancee's feelings about her own parents' new partners, and instead focus on the fact that, just as you and your bf have been inclusive and welcoming to them, they need to be welcoming to you if you are to all get along as a family. Regardless of whether you and your bf stay together long-term, the fiancee is insulting her future father-in-law (and possibly m-i-l too) by declaring in a blanket statement that parents' current partners are unwelcome at her wedding. If she objects to particular people at her wedding, she should be brave enough to admit it, instead of hiding behind a generalized "rule" that affects others unreasonably. On the other hand, if her father is footing the bill for the wedding, she may not dare to tell him that his current partner is specifically and singly unwelcome.

 

While I still feel that not insisting that you attend is definitely the way to go, I don't think it would hurt to convey the nuances of the situation to the son. If he's old enough to get married he can no longer be considered a child who doesn't have to consider the consequences of his actions, or be exempt from responsibility for hurting people's feelings.

 

Who knows? I sympathize with you, and hope that you can find some sympathy for the fiancee. Her situation may be much more difficult than you realize.

[BettyBoo]

THANKS Midori for your wise words....The wedding is months away so I will post a reply to let every one know the outcome.

[BettyBoo]

Well after some reflection I decided to invite my partners son and his future wife to dinner to wish them the best. During the course of which I found out that it was not due to her parents that I was not being invited but rather it is my partners ex wife who say that if I am invited to the wedding she will boycott it. My partner and I are unsure how we get around this, I don't care about the wedding but I do care long term about this kind of behaviour. I know my partner has told her that I am his partner now but she is a very bitter woman.. She also got angry when her children (they are all adults) came over to my house for dinner during the Christmas break. I invited them over for my partners sake as he really appreciated it and it was a chance for his kids to get to know mine.

 

Has any one any suggestions?

[Fritz]

I'm sorry to hear his ex is still bitter. Its a shame that its going to cause such strife. I don't have any advice other than if his son asked me for advice I'd tell him to tell his mom to get over it. Its his and his fiancee's day, not hers but emotional blackmail doesn't set well with me. However, thats kind of a generic answer considering I don't know all the ins/outs of the story.. hope you guys get it worked out.