Every knight needs a dragon to slay.

[tojaz]

Its been a long time since I've started a thread. I'm still around though, check in every day, still reading posts and replying when I find that I can help. Thanks for all the PMs asking where I've gone and if I was ok, your care is much appreciated.

 

In reading posts here, I have come across many common threads in peoples stories. This is something that I've been thinking about a great deal and the start of a number of threads that have been boiling in my head over the last several weeks.

 

There is one question I see more then any other asked by those of us blind sided and left behind. Its in most threads at some point and several times in my own divorce I can recall screaming it, hoping to find that understanding that I would never receive. WHY! As in why does my previously devoted spouse all of a sudden feel that I am little more then a mistake. Why is it that my partner could feel that after all this time spent in a life that they helped build can they decide that it no longer suits them and feel the need to run for the hills as fast as they can. This is a question that I see more then any other causing trauma here on LS, people being stuck in the search for answers that they probably will never find. My self included. As someone who took pride in his marriage and did all he could to do right by his wife, fresh on the heels of a romantic weekend and planning a vacation together, obviously I was taken by surprise and buried under the nightmare of "what did I do?" and "how could this happen?" I found little help from my former soul mate who was all too happy to hurl allegations at me that seemed to change daily. I like most, continued to try and share my side, plead my case to a jury that wasn't listening, and there I am again, WHY? Why does she value our marriage so little all of a sudden? Why is she afraid to be around me, to talk to me? Why does she feel the need to do this when by her own words after the fact, I had done it right? Heres my theory and I believe it applies to many of us....... Every knight needs a dragon.

 

Sure most of you are scratching your heads at that, so let me explain. The LS mantra here on S&D, "Work on yourself!" Every one of us has read it, and most of us have passed it on to someone else, yet not everyone can do it. Not right away anyway. For most it takes a slap in the face, a lot of hurt, or something huge to open that up. Hopefully, we are strong enough to face our shortcomings, or the things in our life that we are not happy with, isolate how we got ourselves off track and move towards being healthy and happy within our selves and by extension, within our relationships with others, be they friends, family, or a love. The keys to that are different for every person, for every situation, and this board is full of shining examples too numerous to mention. One need only look to Gunnys latest thread to see, the strength it takes to face our own troubles. My hat is off to you Guns! Im not talking about the ones that can face it though, luckily LS has lots of that, I'm talking about the ones that don't.

 

There is no doubt that there comes a time when we all look at our life and don't really like what we see. Things we had aspired to, missed opportunities, sometimes just our place in the world. Some are able to look at themselves and try to see what they need to do to be happy, be fulfilled, but some cannot and prefer to look for an outside source for their troubles, a villain, a cause, a dragon to slay! That will always be easier then seeing and admitting to the places where we ourselves had gone wrong or lost sight. Just saying it aloud speaks volumes, which is easier? You did this to me, or I did this to me? Thats a very hard thing to admit for most, and many will avoid it at all cost. Preferring instead to have a tangible foe or obstacle to overcome. Something they can gather support against, something to blame. In reading the stories here on LS, all to often that foe becomes a bewildered spouse completely lost and oblivious to what is happening beneath the surface. Find themselves blamed for things they had no control over, or even fought to resist. It is nothing conscious and it is nothing deliberate or hateful. In some respect we all do it at one time or another I think. Anytime we wish to change our lives, we desperately search for that catalyst, that one obstacle to put us on the path we need to be on, but is very hard for anyone to accept that we can be the obstacle to our own happiness, yet that is usually the case. Still, it is much more rewarding and easier to find support against a common enemy, a villain, a Dragon!

 

TOJAZ

[mikeymad]

Awesome post. This should be stickied. The only battle that will change anything is the battle within. It is by far the most painful, but by far the most rewarding. If people truly want to get over this an on with their lives...there is no shortcut. The only way around....is through.

[heartbrokensj]

i couldn't agree more with your thoughts on the obstacles we often search for are within ourselves. My husband sent me a text the other day asking me if I had low self esteem because he observed that I often make remarks about my appearance and weight that I don't feel beautiful about myself. That broke me down as so many things he says these days but especially because he is right. My low self esteem in part has caused so much insecurity on my part which has created problems in this marriage. I often would be fishing for compliments from him and hope and wait for him to say how great I look when that was never the issue at all. The issue is me and my lifelong waivering sense of self esteem. Working on oneself i believe is a lifelong journey and is so hard to do because its so painful to see yourself until something often tragic or hardship occurs. My accusations in the past of my husband "cheating" definitely stems from my low self esteem and I see now how I made a mountain out of a molehole. I am learning each and every day to be secure and love myself and work on what I do not like.

Edited May 22, 2010 by heartbrokensj
typos

[trippi1432]

I would comment on this, but according to the OP....I have too many dragons to slay. I'm sure anything I say would be wrong anyways.

[tojaz]

i couldn't agree more with your thoughts on the obstacles we often search for are within ourselves. My husband sent me a text the other day asking me if I had low self esteem because he observed that I often make remarks about my appearance and weight that I don't feel beautiful about myself. That broke me down as so many things he says these days but especially because he is right. My low self esteem in part has caused so much insecurity on my part which has created problems in this marriage. I often would be fishing for compliments from him and hope and wait for him to say how great I look when that was never the issue at all. The issue is me and my lifelong waivering sense of self esteem. Working on oneself i believe is a lifelong journey and is so hard to do because its so painful to see yourself until something often tragic or hardship occurs. My accusations in the past of my husband "cheating" definitely stems from my low self esteem and I see now how I made a mountain out of a molehole. I am learning each and every day to be secure and love myself and work on what I do not like.

 

Good for you HeartbrokenSJ that is exactly what I'm talking about. I was so afraid when i wrote this, that nobody would get it. Have been holding on to it for days. Thank you!

 

TOJAZ

[heartbrokensj]

I am so glad you posted this...because read your post had made me smile today. It is refreshing and comforting to read posts like this because so many of us are out there going through this. Thanks for your insightful words.

[trippi1432]

I am on that journey of looking for the why I am the way I am....I have opened wounds that should have never been opened, doors that should have stayed closed and no, I don't like who or what I see. I have finally gotten one release in my life....no one ever told me as a child that there was nothing I could do about it...I carried that. It's not black and white as some would argue, but as a child, there are very little choices one can make for themselves. So yes, I carry this as a problem with my self-esteem, my self-worth. Maybe I feel that the only time anyone ever cares for me is when I am doing something for them...seems to be true in most cases. Sorry, I keep going on about me, never should be about me....has this way of thinking screwed up my kids....yes, did it screw up my marriage...yes, has it screwed up my outlook on life....most definitely. I did those things to myself and I put them off on people I cared about. Had I known it at the time, I would have done something about it a long time ago because none of them deserved it.

 

So, my testimonial...after trying to figure out what happened (and the end of my journey), I didn't pay attention, I made him feel small, belittled, ridiculed. What he did doesn't matter, doesn't make it right, but doesn't matter because (as my STBXH) informed me yesterday, he had the choice not to follow me when I was 8 months pregnant and stayed with his friends. The only thing he would have lost out on was raising his son....not even commenting on that one. I wanted a decent life, good schools for our kids, a decent car that didn't break down....(as someone has pointed out to me before on my twisted thinking....how many "I's" are there in that sentence).

 

Gunny has come a long way and he should be very proud of that. There are some of us who know how bad our dragons are, but have them thrown in our face, makes the journey back from the brink of Hades harder than H*ll or just plain not worth it.

[heartbrokensj]

I have opened wounds that should have never been opened, doors that should have stayed closed and no, I don't like who or what I see.

 

 

Trippi1432, it takes courage to reevaluate one's past and it shows that you are getting to the core of you. I think the difficult parts of this will make it all worth it once you start to feel happy and whole and you will then pass that joy and wisdom onto your children.

[LisaUk]

Good for you HeartbrokenSJ that is exactly what I'm talking about. I was so afraid when i wrote this, that nobody would get it. Have been holding on to it for days. Thank you!

 

TOJAZ

 

I'm confused!

 

It sounds like HeartbrokenSJ is blaming herself when I think what you were getting at Tojaz is that the walk away walks b/c it is easier to blame the BS than it is to look at themself? I am wrong?

[trippi1432]

I'm confused!

 

It sounds like HeartbrokenSJ is blaming herself when I think what you were getting at Tojaz is that the walk away walks b/c it is easier to blame the BS than it is to look at themself? I am wrong?

 

I see what you are getting at Lisa, and I would have to agree with you here. I know someone just like this suffering from bipolar II. She is just now realizing the things that she says to her husband and her own internalization of the things he says to her....she internalizes as hurt. They are not always intended to be hurtful, but how they are said can be misinterpreted.

 

What it sounds like is that HeartbrokeSJ is taking on some of the self-esteem issue as her own due to her responsibilities to it; however, and as I said this friend, those are not all your issues to carry. 50/50....you shouldn't have to fish for compliments if your husband loves you, those should come naturally from both parties as a means of mutual respect.

 

Seventeen and Nineteen years of marriage, my parents still look at each other with the love they had that many years ago....because they know how to live in the here and now.

Edited May 22, 2010 by trippi1432
sp

[trippi1432]

Trippi1432, it takes courage to reevaluate one's past and it shows that you are getting to the core of you. I think the difficult parts of this will make it all worth it once you start to feel happy and whole and you will then pass that joy and wisdom onto your children.

 

 

Thanks heartbrokensj - unfortunately, they are almost grown, so not sure how much help it will be to them other than knowing that their mother didn't let the same things happen to them....not to say they didn't come thru without scars...heck we all have them.

 

I don't know if I would even call it courage....most days I don't know if I will survive it. As Tojaz suggests, DRAGONS....they only get in when you lower the gate and walls too far. It was why I kept mine so high....when you lower them, you truly find out who cares about you and who your friends are..and believe me, I've seen some scatter because who am I to put more on them when they have enough of their own stuff.

 

It's when you find that one DRAGON is sitting right in the center of you, the one who didn't get out, but has been dwelling there taking insult after insult, lashing back with pain for every pain that gets thrown at you....it's when you realize that there is no way back to sanity and everything has been for nothing.....I guess I am looking for the happiness in that while I kill the DRAGONS that make me hate my life. I'm not saying that my life is terrible...it's not, but the soul is empty and has been for a very long time...Gunny, I know you know what I mean.

[tojaz]

I'm confused!

 

It sounds like HeartbrokenSJ is blaming herself when I think what you were getting at Tojaz is that the walk away walks b/c it is easier to blame the BS than it is to look at themself? I am wrong?

 

Both are correct Lis. In my divorce, I was the dragon that my wife felt she needed to slay in order to better herself although the only obstacle in her way was within her. It can happen to anyone and in any situation, doesn't just pertain to divorce.

 

i couldn't agree more with your thoughts on the obstacles we often search for are within ourselves.

 

I often would be fishing for compliments from him and hope and wait for him to say how great I look when that was never the issue at all. The issue is me and my lifelong waivering sense of self esteem.

 

Working on oneself i believe is a lifelong journey and is so hard to do because its so painful to see yourself until something often tragic or hardship occurs.

 

I believe the story HeartbrokenSJ relates is more the transition of her shifting from needing the dragon (her H) to looking within herself to find her own answers. Something that is very hard to do for most. I'm not fully familiar with her story though (promise I'll read up tonight )

 

In my original intent was to point out how the WAS tends to run from the problem or impose it on someone else (partner) rather then looking within themselves, but It can work any which way. I'll write more after while, as in when I get a glass of wine or two in me.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Both are correct Lis. In my divorce, I was the dragon that my wife felt she needed to slay in order to better herself although the only obstacle in her way was within her. It can happen to anyone and in any situation, doesn't just pertain to divorce.

 

 

 

I believe the story HeartbrokenSJ relates is more the transition of her shifting from needing the dragon (her H) to looking within herself to find her own answers. Something that is very hard to do for most. I'm not fully familiar with her story though (promise I'll read up tonight )

 

In my original intent was to point out how the WAS tends to run from the problem or impose it on someone else (partner) rather then looking within themselves, but It can work any which way. I'll write more after while, as in when I get a glass of wine or two in me.

 

TOJAZ

 

You know Tojaz...good idea...get a couple of glasses of wine in you...where was your dragon? Since I see it from the other side as well as you do, with our marriages being so similar...maybe I can tell you what your wife thought about her "Dragon" being that you seem to know what my husband's dragon was. Not all WAS tend to run from the LBS to get away from the dragon....some WAS created the dragon all by themselves to follow in the footsteps of their parents, that is where we differ because even layman psychology will tell you that.

 

Wait...Lisa, Heartbreak...will one of you ask this question instead...I seem to be getting no answers to my responses.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Trippi..I wrote my wife a letter 1 1/2 mos ago thinking I was apologizing..after seeing this posted by you earlier..(as someone has pointed out to me before on my twisted thinking....how many "I's" are there in that sentence). It made me think about what she had told me about my 'apology' letter 2 days later..she told me.."go back and look at your letter and count how many times you wrote 'I' in it...)..I also looked in the mirror and didn't like what I had seen..but it is nothing 'I' haven't started forgiving myself for...then I can start start forgiving her for 'leaving' our marriage..followed by who knows what but at least I'll be at peace with her and our 'relationship'.

[trippi1432]

Both are correct Lis. In my divorce, I was the dragon that my wife felt she needed to slay in order to better herself although the only obstacle in her way was within her. It can happen to anyone and in any situation, doesn't just pertain to divorce.

 

Sometimes the Dragon can be not being allowed to have their own voice, their own opinion. The obstacle within her was the will to finally know what she wanted and go for it...just like my ex. Leaving behind the material for the immaterial things to simplify life..isn't that what Gunny preaches? And yes, that hits close to home on both counts...but it only matters to you as depressed people only care about themselves...scientific fact.

 

I believe the story HeartbrokenSJ relates is more the transition of her shifting from needing the dragon (her H) to looking within herself to find her own answers. Something that is very hard to do for most. I'm not fully familiar with her story though (promise I'll read up tonight )

 

In my original intent was to point out how the WAS tends to run from the problem or impose it on someone else (partner) rather then looking within themselves, but It can work any which way. I'll write more after while, as in when I get a glass of wine or two in me.

 

TOJAZ

 

I think that it has been said over and over that Walk Away Spouses always intend to point the finger at the other person....We all know your story, as much as mine, Lisa's, Gunny's everyone else's....so why rehash unless dwelling is the only way to coping. The here and now, that is what is effective.....tonight, I go off my meds...my choice...right here, right now, on the phone with my mother....time to live for me and not the GD psycho-idiots...

[trippi1432]

Trippi..I wrote my wife a letter 1 1/2 mos ago thinking I was apologizing..after seeing this posted by you earlier..(as someone has pointed out to me before on my twisted thinking....how many "I's" are there in that sentence). It made me think about what she had told me about my 'apology' letter 2 days later..she told me.."go back and look at your letter and count how many times you wrote 'I' in it...)..I also looked in the mirror and didn't like what I had seen..but it is nothing 'I' haven't started forgiving myself for...then I can start start forgiving her for 'leaving' our marriage..followed by who knows what but at least I'll be at peace with her and our 'relationship'.

 

DoTG....True, it's not the "I's" that count, but the "us" that counts....my ex and I had neither of those either, the sad fact is..I refused to go places without him because he was the extension of me...I even recently stopped going out on the weekends because I thought there was something more important to my life, it was me who chose that importance.....that was wrong because I should have been putting my own happiness first (sounds selfish, but that person would not have cared...that is where stupidity reaches in and grabs you....what you thought was unselfish, was really selfish on your part. In a relationship...you can't win for losing or vice versa.

 

Tell her to forgive herself...move on with your life....because you only get it once (hearing a Ninja going down the road and thinking of that really cool motorcycle for 8K for sale down the street.) Jump out of a perfectly good airplane (wear a parachute of course), but take the good with the bad....know when you are being played, especially emotionally...because being vulnerable is the worst feeling in the world and people will play you.

 

Being that you have children, you don't need that crap.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Oh you can bet I'm being played at this moment...just this morning she texted me @9:30am and asked if I could go pick up my older daughter@11:00am who was at a friends slumber party and drop her off at her house (stbxw's maybe)..of course I do it for my daughter...I will always be a fool she can use whether it is keeping them for a couple of nights so she can go out or picking them up because she's busy...reason being,after living and caring for my girls for the past 11.75 yrs almost 24/7 it's a habit I can't break at the moment...The 1 thing she can never say negatively about me is the 'father' part..although she did try to question it when I told her I needed a few days to myself to process all the crap I was going through when she dropped the bomb on me.

[trippi1432]

Oh you can bet I'm being played at this moment...just this morning she texted me @9:30am and asked if I could go pick up my older daughter@11:00am who was at a friends slumber party and drop her off at her house (stbxw's maybe)..of course I do it for my daughter...I will always be a fool she can use whether it is keeping them for a couple of nights so she can go out or picking them up because she's busy...reason being,after living and caring for my girls for the past 11.75 yrs almost 24/7 it's a habit I can't break at the moment...The 1 thing she can never say negatively about me is the 'father' part..although she did try to question it when I told her I needed a few days to myself to process all the crap I was going through when she dropped the bomb on me.

 

Then what is the problem??? So F'ing what!!!!! Keep telling yourself that. At end of the day do you get a Martyr badge? No...none of us do....we can keep the house, take care of the kids, run them here and there, want kids, not want kids and pay all the flipping bills....at the end of the day, was it only about you?

 

Sorry DoTwoGirls...you ran into a ranting thread.

 

The fact of the matter is Dad of Two Girls...u do what u can with what u got...quit worrying about her.

Edited May 23, 2010 by trippi1432

[DadofTwoGirls]

you think at this point in my life anything I read is really going to make me feel worse than I already do?..trust me..nothing can top (well only a few I'd rather not think about) what I'm going through right now.

[DadofTwoGirls]

aaah..quit worrying about her..it was easy when we were living together (the not worrying part)...

[trippi1432]

My apologies Dad of Two Girls - each of us have our own problems...and each carry weight...each story deserving of respect. You are new here....this is one of a war story "woe is me" thread...but you are more than welcome to hang out in the cross hairs.

[DadofTwoGirls]

crosshairs?..Trippi when I was younger (10-11) I used to watch my mom and pops fight daily..on our 'vacation' I wrapped my arms around my mother and held her tightly for she had a steak knife and was trying to stab my dad..I didn't let go till the police showed up..that was one of many daily 'wars' I grew up around....I wasn't even scared then like I am now..it doesn't make sense why I feel 'scared' now.

[trippi1432]

aaah..quit worrying about her..it was easy when we were living together (the not worrying part)...

 

Boy...hope you are pointing that at the OP and not me...I am not gay....at least I wasnt' but have had plenty of offers from both gay and straight..ick...worried....:o:o:o:o

[tojaz]

We all know your story, as much as mine, Lisa's, Gunny's everyone else's....so why rehash unless dwelling is the only way to coping. he herTe and now, that is what is effective.....

 

If you do not like my story Trippi, there are close to 6000 threads in the S&D forum and vary few of them are mine, ther is also a New thread button where you could have one of your very own to rant to your hearts content. I rehash my story here in the hopes to help others and to find a little understanding for myself through the CONSTRUCTIVE feedback of others. Its kind of what LS is about.

 

Wait...Lisa, Heartbreak...will one of you ask this question instead...I seem to be getting no answers to my responses.

 

tonight, I go off my meds...my choice...right here, right now, ...time to live for me and not the GD psycho-idiots...

 

These two things may be related! If you have a problem Trippi you can PM me.

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Oh....one more thing..there is a Tojaz love fest....now u can block me Tony

 

Get a thread going Trippi, what's up with you? I have many talents but mind reading ain't one of em.