Stabbed in the heart

[jthorne]

Your affair relationship aside, has anyone considered that this guy is just a plain vanilla JERK?

You are no longer in a R, so he really has no obligation towards you. His only obligation is as a human being to be decent towards you. He's pretty much shown that he can't do that, regardless of the circumstances.

[jj33]

J Thorne that is exactly what is so odd about it.

 

The A was over years ago. If you are making a lot of money doing business with someone WHY would you do things that are just bad business etiquette and top it off with something that you KNOW will hurt them personally.

 

It makes no sense at all.

 

I used to make excuses and eventually say oh well its difficult for him too. Hes doind his best to cope. Noone is perfect. Now? Theres simply no explanation. Its like the scorpion and the turtle why sting?Because that is what he does. Its just taken me a really long time to see it.

[califnan]

You're the one who got away, and he can't handle that.. Aside from being a liar to others, he also lies to himself about the relationship with his wife, about you - about everything.... Failure to accept responsibility.

[jj33]

You are right Califnan. He isnt able to face certain things that is his coping mechanism. He misses the way I was 1000 percent behind him in every way at all times. But I cant it was too painful for me. I want to be loving and giving and supportive but I couldnt go on doing that for someone else's husband.

[califnan]

You are right Califnan. He isnt able to face certain things that is his coping mechanism. He misses the way I was 1000 percent behind him in every way at all times. But I cant it was too painful for me. I want to be loving and giving and supportive but I couldnt go on doing that for someone else's husband.

 

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I think part of the reason why women find themselves in this position, is that we have a built-in maternal instinct.. Always there to pick up the pieces, "be loving and giving and supportive" .. it is a part of who we are.. Men's egos capitalize on this - they love it .. (you can imagine) .. Two for the price of one ?? ..

 

In most cases, I think in order to survive, we must find ourselves - to know that we are the whole, complete women that God has blessed us to be . . to "be loving and giving and supportive" is the role of the wife - and she is then reciprocated for it with a loving, caring supportive Husband.

[jj33]

Nan I can only chuckle. The systerm broke down here. Im not sure if she was NEVER a giving loving supportive wife or if their marriage broke down early on and they stopped supproting each other. But I know (and not from him he has never said a bad word about him) that she is not at least to the outside world and so he found me and I was and now he is without a supporting loving wife again. But not my problem as I am not his W much as he gets confused sometimes. Geez not even his lover (but maybe thats why he thinks I am his W )

[califnan]

Nan I can only chuckle. The systerm broke down here. Im not sure if she was NEVER a giving loving supportive wife or if their marriage broke down early on and they stopped supproting each other. But I know (and not from him he has never said a bad word about him) that she is not at least to the outside world and so he found me and I was and now he is without a supporting loving wife again. But not my problem as I am not his W much as he gets confused sometimes. Geez not even his lover (but maybe thats why he thinks I am his W )

 

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I wasn't referring to his wife jj.. Mostly I was talking about our roles.. In that our love is reciprocated in marriage but not with MM's.

[jj33]

Oh I see. Well its certainly what we all strive for.

[freestyle]

Hi JJ

 

I remember you posting several months ago.( maybe almost a year?)

 

You were speculating that MM might be a narcissist--it did seem that way, based on what you wrote then.

 

His most recent behavior, the subtle digs, trying to cast aspersions on you to others, are classic NPD behaviors. They love to push buttons, and provoke reactions---and they must win at all costs.

 

Don't react---starve the vampire.Learn to have a flat affect around him.

 

sorry you're still having to deal with his crap, years later. Yep, I think you dodged a bullet getting rid of him, if that's any consolation.

 

wish you my best.FS

[califnan]

Also jj, it isn't your problem if his wife isn't loving and supportive.. I think the OW tries to be the rescuer..

 

From the way he is treating you, I can tell he is stewing in his own juice. But there is nothing you can do about it .. Except to try to maintain a businesslike relationship with him and with others that he talks to.

 

I'm glad that you do not work for the same company, even though you do business with him..

[jj33]

Thanks. I agree. In a way this was a blessing. It shows me that I need to be more detached and to wish him well. I hope he works things out at home. It would be nice for him to be happy. My life will go on and I will find my happiness elsewhere. I get so furious with him but now its settled and I seem to have changed my whole perspective.

 

In fact I met a really interesting man the other day. He didnt ask me out but it was nice to notice someone else.

[whichwayisup]

JJ, how long has it been since your A has ended?

 

You've come a long way though you are right, you need to detach and learn not to care what he thinks/does/says. He isn't part of your life, (professionally yes, but personally, no) anymore and he shouldn't have any affect on you. You let his stupid games and whatever get to you. All that does is keep him in your mind, even in a negative way. That's not good because it's still feeding 'something' inside of you, preventing you from completely letting go..Not in the sense of loving him or wanting him back (I know you don't want him anymore).

[califnan]

.

 

In fact I met a really interesting man the other day. He didnt ask me out but it was nice to notice someone else.

 

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It sounds Wonderful JJ..

[jj33]

Thank you all for your kind replies. WWIU its been several years but for the first year he kept coming back and talking about leaving (unsolicited by me) or working out other arrangements.

 

It wouldnt get to me so much if he werent someone that the ability to impact my livelihood. If we didnt have a professional connection I would have gone total NC a long long time ago and not looked back.

 

I cant rise to the bait anymore. Hopefully he will not do or say anything to harm me or to exclude me from events and yes he has that power he seems to be on every board or committee in one capacity or another.

 

I have to try to forget about that. He has so much else to focus on hopefully he will stop focusing on me (about time no?). He Im also hopeful that the other people in his company will talk some sense into him. Most likely they will tell him not to talk to me. That will annoy him. He doesnt like to be told what to do but I am going to hope for the best.

 

We live in a really big city. There are so many beautiful girls here. Why doesnt he just chase one of them and leave me alone.

[jj33]

I want to thank everyone for their kind responses. I am going to adopt a new perspective. I wish him well and I wish his family well and I hope he is able to find happiness with his wife or wherever else he seeks it.

 

I am going to assume that he will be professional towards me as I have been towards him and that he will not do anything to cause me any harm and will continue to be supportive of me and my business when he has the ability to do so. There is no sense in thinking any other way.

 

So with this post I am asking you all to think positive thoughts for me that he and I will have a harmonious and mutually supportive business relationship.

 

Thanks again

 

jj

[BurriedAlive]

Hi JJ

 

I remember you posting several months ago.( maybe almost a year?)

 

You were speculating that MM might be a narcissist--it did seem that way, based on what you wrote then.

 

FS

 

 

As I was reading this thread, I kept thinking "this guy is such a narcissist"!!! It's funny that you should point this out, Freestyle. I completely agree with you. In fact, I have often thought that most MM (not all but most) are Narcissists. I looked up the definition on Wikipedia which says: "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." Pretty much hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?

 

JJ, why don't you do some research on this personality type. Maybe there may be a few hints on dealing with it?

[jj33]

Great idea. I just looked it up an apparently you are supposed to take a passive role and not confront them (oops failed that test).

 

Now I will know for the future. Detach and do not confront

[awkward]

jj I think that is the best thing you can do. But while he is playing his game you can always be thinking of the things you'd really like to say. The big grin on your face will probably confuse him.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am left feeling that he is a liar. He lies out of convenience. He lies about the smallest of things if it suits him. He is totally self absorbed. Im sure he didnt do it to hurt me, he did it without even thinking about anyone but himself. Because in his world he is the only one that matters and he is entitled to do whatever he wants to get to his needs met.

 

I suspect many serial cheaters are like that. Its all about them 24/7

 

I used to think he was the one person I was sorry I didnt marry. I now see it as a narrow escape.

 

Bingo!! Amen sister! You got it.

 

Are you insulted, enraged, or hurt by the insults thrown at you by the crazy man standing on the corner? Nope, 'cause he can't hurt you and you have from the beginning recognized his disorder. You're XMM has a personality disorder. It makes him good at what he does but its also means he's not like the rest of us. Wishing him well won't help him (he will always do well in his mind!) so don't bother. Love yourself and be sure, that you somewhat escaped him. He's left his mark no doubt, on your psyche and your business but atleast you didn't MARRY him or go into business WITH him.

 

N have a powerful draw and the "better" person you are the more power they seem to have over you. Its too damn bad that we can't all do each other a favor and tag the SOB's when we run across them, just to save some other person the trouble of being used by them! Not that anyone would believe it, seems we all have a propensity to believe what we want to over what we see.

 

I'm pm'ing a couple of short links. IWWH

[ladydesigner]

I am left feeling that he is a liar. He lies out of convenience. He lies about the smallest of things if it suits him. He is totally self absorbed. Im sure he didnt do it to hurt me, he did it without even thinking about anyone but himself. Because in his world he is the only one that matters and he is entitled to do whatever he wants to get to his needs met.

 

I suspect many serial cheaters are like that. Its all about them 24/7

 

I used to think he was the one person I was sorry I didnt marry. I now see it as a narrow escape.

 

Bingo!! Amen sister! You got it.

 

Are you insulted, enraged, or hurt by the insults thrown at you by the crazy man standing on the corner? Nope, 'cause he can't hurt you and you have from the beginning recognized his disorder. You're XMM has a personality disorder. It makes him good at what he does but its also means he's not like the rest of us. Wishing him well won't help him (he will always do well in his mind!) so don't bother. Love yourself and be sure, that you somewhat escaped him. He's left his mark no doubt, on your psyche and your business but atleast you didn't MARRY him or go into business WITH him.

 

N have a powerful draw and the "better" person you are the more power they seem to have over you. Its too damn bad that we can't all do each other a favor and tag the SOB's when we run across them, just to save some other person the trouble of being used by them! Not that anyone would believe it, seems we all have a propensity to believe what we want to over what we see.

 

I'm pm'ing a couple of short links. IWWH

 

I love the bolded part. This helps me too. Thanks for this post.

 

Hope you are feeling better today jj33 I would have a hard time if I still had to work professionally with my XOM. It would be close to impossible for me.

[Owl]

J Thorne that is exactly what is so odd about it.

 

The A was over years ago. If you are making a lot of money doing business with someone WHY would you do things that are just bad business etiquette and top it off with something that you KNOW will hurt them personally.

 

It makes no sense at all.

 

I used to make excuses and eventually say oh well its difficult for him too. Hes doind his best to cope. Noone is perfect. Now? Theres simply no explanation. Its like the scorpion and the turtle why sting?Because that is what he does. Its just taken me a really long time to see it.

 

Because the money isn't what's important to him.

 

His ego is the single most important thing to him.

 

He makes himself feel better by 'taking down a notch' the person who ended the affair on him all those years ago. You took back control...that offended his ego...and he's going to make you pay for it every possible way that he can for as long as he can.

 

This is what spoiled, self-centered bastages do.

 

I don't have any sage words of wisdom on what to do about it...since the situation prevents you from truly going full blown NC, all that would be left would be some kind of retaliation to make the ego boosts 'cost' more than what they're worth to him.

 

Probably not your best bet, I'd guess.

 

Sorry friend...

[White Flower]

I used to think he was the one person I was sorry I didnt marry. I now see it as a narrow escape.

You were too good for him. He couldn't handle your sense of morals and your need to do things the right way. I'm sorry you're hurting but I'm glad you recognize him for what he is.

 

Hugs babe.

[Hazyhead]

Keep smiling and moving JJ. He still wants to affect you in some way, so I think mentioning his family is a game to him. A selfish narcissist he is. Sweetie, be unaffected by him (or fake that you are), that would probably piss him off. In the meantime - enjoy your job and what it brings you and for him, detach, detach, detach!

[jj33]

Owl you are back! I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz! Thanks for your kind words my friend and WF and Hazy and everyone else.

 

I feel a freedom I have not felt in a long long time. I just dropped a lot of dead weight that I have been carrying with me.

 

I cant control him I can only control me and I can choose not to be affected by the silly things he says and does. He acts like I did something terrible by seeking an apology but really well it doesnt matter anymore.

 

I am just so happy that I FINALLY saw him for what he is. His behavior was so so bad, that even I the queen of excuse making and rationalization could not say oh well I understand hes just... or make it my fault somehow.

 

And I am so happy. So very very happy. Really I should thank him for being such an azzclown. I am far too loyal in my affections. To my own detriment. It takes alot to shake me off. But once done I dont look back.

 

Im free Im free Im free!!!!

 

Thank y'all for your support on this

[2sunny]

wooooo Hooooo! awesome! isn't it a great feeling? so glad for your progress!